Turninganewleaf

Common sense should tell you he is up to no good with that kind of money. All this tracking and snooping sounds like some kind of CIA operation.

Katchie

ok.. i have to thank you for the chuckle. No CIA op here.. Im just trying to be smart, whatever that is, to the best of my ability.

Stung

I think you're in a tough spot and there really are no right or wrong moves here. I think socking money away for yourself (as much as you can as quickly as you can) is an excellent idea though. Also, I think you recently made an appt to see a therapist, have you gone yet? I bet that will provide you with some really good, gently delivered advice.

Hugs, Katchie. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

JustAGirl1971

Definitely sounds like a good idea to get your inheritance back. I'd keep any proof you have that it the money is inheritance in case it's contested in a divorce. I also had some inheritance that I put into the downpayment on our home... it's considered commingling of funds, and depending on the state, would now be considered "joint property." Jazzman is actually the one who first mentioned this to me when I was considering separation. I checked into it and he's right, it's considered joint property in my state. You may want to ask your attorney friend about that.

Katchie

Yes, like your state it would mean the same since I gave it over to him. He suggested I try to get that back before I do anything, which was my plan anyway. AH had promised to pay me back..I've been waiting since Jan 1. Ill be asking for that while he has been in a generous mood.

Sungrl

Katchie I am very sorry you are going through this and it is stressing you out and making you sick. I know the feeling. Living with addiction sucks and I hope you find the courage to do what's best for you and your children soon. I can almost guarantee you won't fell stressed or sick anymore you will feel peace and happiness. I know from experience.

firebolt

Hi. Devils advocate here.

I know I'm throwing up a possible defense for someone who's made life hell for you, but I have to tell you this story.

A girlfriend of mine suspected her boyfriend of cheating. Money was disappearing, and he was being SUPER shady about going to the bathroom when his phone rang to talk, and he left suddenly one night after a call and gave a dumbass excuse for leaving.

So she begged me and another mutual friend to check up on him. She grabbed the number that called a handfull of times. My "PI" friend in crime and I found out it was to a girl - about our age - single. Yep - We super sleuths discovered the dirty mistress for our friend!

Thanks to the internet and Facebook, we even found out where she lived and worked. How helpful are we?!

Well, she presented him with all the evidence of this tawdry affair, and low and behold, he was talking to this woman and stashing money, and took off to test ride and to buy her motorcycle from her to give to his girlfriend. Yeah. We all felt like asses.

Point of all that, is you never really know until you come home early from work to find him eyeball deep in a pile of powder, or next door indisposed with the neighbor, ya know.

Definitely do what you need to do to set yourself up for what you deserve and to protect yourself in a divorce - he has proven (they all have) time and time again their words are meaningless....I just don't want you to jump to conclusions.

Take care Katchie - sorry you're dealing with all this! It's such BS and we've all been there, or still ARE there. xoxo

Katchie

I appreciate the other thoughts. Im just trying to calm my mind down a bit and think rationally about it all.

firebolt

For everything on your plate, you're doing JUST FINE right now. Better than most would. Hang in there - the waiting place / the unknown / the treading water won't last forever. Take care Katchie.

Ifnotforgrace

All I know is financial independence is imperative if you live with any kind of addict. Honesty, dependability nor good financial skills are NOT characteristics of alcoholism.

JustAGirl1971

Such a sad but true fact It's been a really slow, gradual descent for my husband. To the world, he still looks very functional. And, of course, he's still lying to himself that he is functional. But, it's these three areas where I've noticed a major decline in the last few years. Husband just a couple short years ago was dependable in all areas (finance included.)

FeelingGreat

Katchie, you must be in turmoil right now juggling all the bits of info and advice (including mine!). Sending you best wishes - hang in there you're doing fine. And FWIW I think your attorney sounds like a wise adviser.

Katchie

Thanks.. Im real tired to be honest, but I appreciate all of the advice and different perspectives. My AH did go to AA tonight tho he missed last night. I just don't know anything anymore but Ill figure it all out.

JustAGirl1971

Katchie, you don't have to figure this all out today. Or tomorrow, or the next day. The important thing is that you just keep moving forward. At least that's what I keep telling myself I think you're doing great

Katchie

I just want to know how you maintain resolve? Im so angry I could spit fire balls; Im so tired of all the crying and the emotional roller coaster. I just got home from taking the boys to school, bought a coffee for myself and AH, I walk into the bedroom and he's reading his AA lit!! WTF! I should be happy he is but it royally p*sses me off!!! It would be easier, at this point I think, if he continued in his addiction and was showing NO signs whatsoever of trying!

MissFixit

Hi

Breathe. When do you see your therapist again?

Katchie

I have to breathe or the flood gates will open and I WILL NOT cry in front of him.
I see her next Thursday.

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, Katchie It's hard. The last couple of years, the strongest emotions I felt toward my AH were mostly anger and resentment. I did not start losing those emotions until it became clear to me that we had to physically separate (to get my ds home.) Once we decided to divorce, those negative emotions began to dissipate and overwhelming sadness replaced them. The problem was that the pendulum swung to the other extreme and I found myself viewing our relationship through rose-tinted glasses. I think I'm only just now beginning to reach a balance. I've literally cried at least once every single day of 2014 so I understand the emotional roller coaster I'm finally starting to laugh more, cry less.

I guess it just takes time? We didn't wind up in this mess over night, we shouldn't expect that we'll be emotionally stronger & healthier over night. It's a process, I guess. I know that's not really helpful but sometimes it helps me just to know that I'm not alone? Aside from that, al-anon is really helping me. I'm trying to go to several meetings a week... I don't always speak but listening helps. Maybe use the slogan 'Easy does it.' Be gentle with yourself. Hugs, Katchie. Your story really touches me. You remind me so much of my sister (similar circumstances.)

JustAGirl1971

Also, just wanted to say - you can do counseling more frequently if you need it. There were a couple of times I called my counselor up and had her squeeze me in days earlier because I just couldn't take it. Also, for a while, I had my son going weekly... maybe that's an option for you?

Florence

Get to the counselor as much as possible, especially when you are making huge revelations like this. Often they can talk you down off the ceiling over the phone!

For me it took time and patience. I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know it's winter in most of the reading area, but maybe find a way to get out for a long walk, or walk the mall, or find some other way to get your blood pumping and get the adrenaline and cortisol flushed out of your system. Sleep -- go to bed early. Take extra special care of yourself. Growth is painful.