A great article on progression
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A great article on progression
This is very long but worth the read
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry* and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.
Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,* but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.
The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.
First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.
Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that -*at least in his own mind - happen to apply to his particular case.
The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
- Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
- My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
- Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.
Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.
In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "I'll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"
The personal exceptionalism of the addict, along with his willingness to lie both by commission and omission in the protection and furtherance of his addiction, place a severe strain upon his relationships with others. It does not usually take those who are often around the addict long to conclude that he simply cannot be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction. He may swear that he is clean and sober and intends to stay that way when in fact he is under the influence or planning to become so at the first opportunity; he may minimize or conceal the amount of substance consumed; and he may make up all manner of excuses and alibis whose usually transparent purpose is to provide his addiction the room it requires to continue operating.
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addict's sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addict's behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process.
As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships.
In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Behavioral Medicine Associates
Comprehensive Modern Mental Health Services
(c) 2002 by Behavioral Medicine Associates. All rights reserved.
I can so relate to this article. What will be interesting for me is if the downward spiral accelerates as my AW gets further into her addiction. Any thoughts on this?
grizz
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry* and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.
Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,* but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.
The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.
First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.
Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that -*at least in his own mind - happen to apply to his particular case.
The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
- Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
- My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
- Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.
Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.
In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "I'll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"
The personal exceptionalism of the addict, along with his willingness to lie both by commission and omission in the protection and furtherance of his addiction, place a severe strain upon his relationships with others. It does not usually take those who are often around the addict long to conclude that he simply cannot be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction. He may swear that he is clean and sober and intends to stay that way when in fact he is under the influence or planning to become so at the first opportunity; he may minimize or conceal the amount of substance consumed; and he may make up all manner of excuses and alibis whose usually transparent purpose is to provide his addiction the room it requires to continue operating.
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addict's sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addict's behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process.
As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships.
In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Behavioral Medicine Associates
Comprehensive Modern Mental Health Services
(c) 2002 by Behavioral Medicine Associates. All rights reserved.
I can so relate to this article. What will be interesting for me is if the downward spiral accelerates as my AW gets further into her addiction. Any thoughts on this?
grizz
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
Wow. Yeah I've done all of this, with both axb and my schizophrenic mother. This is me-
Well, not so much any more, thanks to Alanon.
Sad how the diseases completely take over the life and personality of someone who once had so much to offer the world. I think the only real difference between the two of them is that my mom isn't chugging gallons of "crazy juice" on a daily basis and making herself sick.
With axb the progression of the disease had been very rapid. I think this is due to TBI (traumatic brain injury) that he suffered in Iraq. He also seems to have spiraled downward very quickly since the kids and I left. In the last six weeks he's only seemed sober once when we talked. (One of my boundaries is that I do not attempt to carry on a conversation with an intoxicated person).
Great article Grizz. Thanks for posting.
Wow. Yeah I've done all of this, with both axb and my schizophrenic mother. This is me-
Well, not so much any more, thanks to Alanon.
Sad how the diseases completely take over the life and personality of someone who once had so much to offer the world. I think the only real difference between the two of them is that my mom isn't chugging gallons of "crazy juice" on a daily basis and making herself sick.
With axb the progression of the disease had been very rapid. I think this is due to TBI (traumatic brain injury) that he suffered in Iraq. He also seems to have spiraled downward very quickly since the kids and I left. In the last six weeks he's only seemed sober once when we talked. (One of my boundaries is that I do not attempt to carry on a conversation with an intoxicated person).
Great article Grizz. Thanks for posting.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Brilliant article, grizz. Absolutely completely explains xah so well, I broke NC and forwarded it to him.
I am kind of loopy tonight. But this is so intelligently assembled, your article, that I just had to share it with xah. It was like he was next to me in bed again and I was reading something so great, I had to put the article in his hands and get him into it, too.
Except he never appreciated my choice in literature. I am too deep for him.
Oh well.
I am kind of loopy tonight. But this is so intelligently assembled, your article, that I just had to share it with xah. It was like he was next to me in bed again and I was reading something so great, I had to put the article in his hands and get him into it, too.
Except he never appreciated my choice in literature. I am too deep for him.
Oh well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
All of the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. are excellent. I consider them the best I have ever read--esp. the ones that explain how the alcoholic mind "works". they answered so many questions for me!
I recommend them to anyone who has not read them all. Time and effort well spent.
dandylion
I recommend them to anyone who has not read them all. Time and effort well spent.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by grizz 
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Originally Posted by grizz
The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
^^^ those two quotes stick out the most to me too.
AH is always getting defensive and trying to make me appear as bad as he is. I'm a liar, a shopaholic, selfish, abusive, etc. A few weeks ago I texted him a few passages from "Codependent No More" in reference to myself. You know what he texted back to me? Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Wife with his comment that they all fit me to a T.
AH is always getting defensive and trying to make me appear as bad as he is. I'm a liar, a shopaholic, selfish, abusive, etc. A few weeks ago I texted him a few passages from "Codependent No More" in reference to myself. You know what he texted back to me? Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Wife with his comment that they all fit me to a T.
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Location: Central Massachusetts
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I would never recommend this guy to someone struggling with addiction. He completely lacks compassion, as evidenced by the way he belittles sick people. And who the heck is he to broadly paint addicts as insane? A psychiatrist of all people using such language. Shameful.
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Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I ran across this article awhile back and it is one of the clearest explanations of alcoholic mental gymnastics I've ever read, and I've read up a LOT on the topic. "Paranoid demonization of those the addict cares about most" ? That's it exactly. I couldn't have said it nearly so well.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
'In the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict thinking that is in fact delusional thinking maybe and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.'
Okay, so we look at it as though the A is relatively in their right minds and thus are making choices rather like everyone else. But while they may seem not so entirely crazy, they in fact are not altogether in their right minds.
I worked with schizophrenics for a time and you never confront their delusions directly. They can seem pretty normal in some ways, so long as you steer clear of the topics that they have altered viewpoints about. I never wanted to set anyone there off or make them defensive. It was easier with those older folks who kind of accepted that their thinking was unusual. The younger folks were much more volatile.
Maybe confronting an addict's issues isn't so much helpful as harmful? They can't accept reality because they have too many mental defenses built around it. So detach and leave and pray they will somehow stumble upon enlightenment?
I feel sad for everyone involved. If alcoholism is akin to psychosis, then no wonder things feel pretty hopeless with regards the A. We certainly do need God's help.
Okay, so we look at it as though the A is relatively in their right minds and thus are making choices rather like everyone else. But while they may seem not so entirely crazy, they in fact are not altogether in their right minds.
I worked with schizophrenics for a time and you never confront their delusions directly. They can seem pretty normal in some ways, so long as you steer clear of the topics that they have altered viewpoints about. I never wanted to set anyone there off or make them defensive. It was easier with those older folks who kind of accepted that their thinking was unusual. The younger folks were much more volatile.
Maybe confronting an addict's issues isn't so much helpful as harmful? They can't accept reality because they have too many mental defenses built around it. So detach and leave and pray they will somehow stumble upon enlightenment?
I feel sad for everyone involved. If alcoholism is akin to psychosis, then no wonder things feel pretty hopeless with regards the A. We certainly do need God's help.
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Here is the link
Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
I think what jumped out the most was his thoughts on personal exceptionalism. My AW continually tells me that no one knows what she is going through, that she has all this stress that she has to deal with and no one understands. And it because of all this stress that no one understands is why she has high blood pressure. So right now she is on this kick to cut out all salt in her diet. I tried talking to her about the fact that too much alcohol is one of the leading causes of high blood pressure, but to no avail. just kinda weird. She is becoming more and more paranoid and defensive. She feels that everyone is ganging up on her and she cant take much more...blah blah blah. It just becomes mind numbing
Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
I think what jumped out the most was his thoughts on personal exceptionalism. My AW continually tells me that no one knows what she is going through, that she has all this stress that she has to deal with and no one understands. And it because of all this stress that no one understands is why she has high blood pressure. So right now she is on this kick to cut out all salt in her diet. I tried talking to her about the fact that too much alcohol is one of the leading causes of high blood pressure, but to no avail. just kinda weird. She is becoming more and more paranoid and defensive. She feels that everyone is ganging up on her and she cant take much more...blah blah blah. It just becomes mind numbing
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Grizz---LOL....I so understand the exhaustion of trying to use logic with an active alcoholic. The problem is, I think, that what looks l ike simple logic to us-- (i.e., give up the alcohol which is driving the high bood pressure)....actually feels l ike a life or death choice to the alcoholic. They cannot fathom life without the alcohol to protect themselves from unbearable physical and psyhic pain. Similar to the way you cannot bear the psyhic pain of walking away from your wife.
The salt issue--I think--is just a way of deflecting the attention away from the fact that it is the alcohol that is screwing up her blood pressure. A form of quacking behavior. Focus on anything to avoid looking at alcohol as a problem.
Anyway, this is how I look at it...
dandylion
The salt issue--I think--is just a way of deflecting the attention away from the fact that it is the alcohol that is screwing up her blood pressure. A form of quacking behavior. Focus on anything to avoid looking at alcohol as a problem.
Anyway, this is how I look at it...
dandylion
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I have also been doing a lot of reading on different personality disorders. I am not trying to label her, but she closely resembles Avodiant personality disorder. I talked to my oldest son about it and he looked at me like "it took you this long to figure that out" He said of course there is something underlying with her. I see it, my wife sees it and all my siblings see it. It really got me thinking that when we are living in it and dealing with it everyday, we cant see the forest from the trees. Talking with my son really helped me 1. Realize that I am not the crazy 2. That when you step away it is more obvious when you have to look at it. 3. The three C's....
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This is one of my favorite pieces on alcoholism. Thanks for posting it, Grizz. My other favorite is the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." Someone living with an active alcoholic would get a lot of help by just keeping these two pieces of writing in the purse or the car to read at an insane moment's notice.
The voice of reality is very hard to find in the midst of chaos, but when we hear it--when our experience of life with an alcoholic is mirrored back to us so accurately--we stop feeling crazy, we can think rationally again, we can make more rational choices. Avoiding choice-making, avoiding decisions, and avoiding action are common codependent traits. And it is in large part because being involved with someone in active addiction creates so much mental chaos in the codependent that he/she is paralyzed in normal, efficient, practical decision-making.
The other piece of writing on alcoholism which I found very helpful are the first three chapters of the AA Big Book: www.aa/org/bigbookonline. Bill W. would not hesitate to label the alcoholic's mind as one resembling psychotic, I believe, for psychosis is a complete break with reality. And I can tell you, that an alcoholic who has just finished off an entire fifth of vodka, the empty bottle right there on the kitchen counter, the cupboard doors ripped off their hinges, and who then says after he gets up in the morning, "I didn't have anything to drink last night, you're crazy"....is as untethered to reality as they come.
The very very painful reality in all this is that people allow the alcoholic to continue living in a house with young children. What this experience of living with a person who behaves insanely does to the young mind has repercussions for decades.
The voice of reality is very hard to find in the midst of chaos, but when we hear it--when our experience of life with an alcoholic is mirrored back to us so accurately--we stop feeling crazy, we can think rationally again, we can make more rational choices. Avoiding choice-making, avoiding decisions, and avoiding action are common codependent traits. And it is in large part because being involved with someone in active addiction creates so much mental chaos in the codependent that he/she is paralyzed in normal, efficient, practical decision-making.
The other piece of writing on alcoholism which I found very helpful are the first three chapters of the AA Big Book: www.aa/org/bigbookonline. Bill W. would not hesitate to label the alcoholic's mind as one resembling psychotic, I believe, for psychosis is a complete break with reality. And I can tell you, that an alcoholic who has just finished off an entire fifth of vodka, the empty bottle right there on the kitchen counter, the cupboard doors ripped off their hinges, and who then says after he gets up in the morning, "I didn't have anything to drink last night, you're crazy"....is as untethered to reality as they come.
The very very painful reality in all this is that people allow the alcoholic to continue living in a house with young children. What this experience of living with a person who behaves insanely does to the young mind has repercussions for decades.
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Originally Posted by Johnston
I would never recommend this guy to someone struggling with addiction. He completely lacks compassion, as evidenced by the way he belittles sick people. And who the heck is he to broadly paint addicts as insane? A psychiatrist of all people using such language. Shameful.
Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
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So. What title, name, or description would you prefer?
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The kids still use Crazy.
I have tried to "upgrade" my acceptance to "Long Term Mental Illness."
As in, "I accept that Mrs. Hammer has a Long Term Mental Illness."
But even that makes me cry just typing it in.
Really. Please. Tell me the right term.
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My kids use crazy too.
coming to the realization that she may indeed have some sorty of a mental illness is difficult. For me it makes the realization all that more real that there is really nothing that we can do for them. Unless you are either a miracle worker or have some sort of professional counseling. But even then when you are so imersed in it you are the last they want to hear from.
coming to the realization that she may indeed have some sorty of a mental illness is difficult. For me it makes the realization all that more real that there is really nothing that we can do for them. Unless you are either a miracle worker or have some sort of professional counseling. But even then when you are so imersed in it you are the last they want to hear from.
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