Pretty terrible weekend but I'm still here :)

Old 12-01-2013, 03:01 PM
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Pretty terrible weekend but I'm still here :)

xAH pulled some crazy $hit this time involving my family (crazy mother, enmeshed narcissistic sister etc..) since he knows I won't bite when he baits me...

Crazy mom emailed me Tues night (as I am already licking my wounds from not getting a job I really really wanted and needed) and tells me I can't bring my kids to her house for Thanksgiving (she had already uninvited me but I guess needed to rub it in some more?) and tells me she is "gravely" concerned for her granddaughters based on reports she is hearing.

Thurs, Thanksgiving day I run a race with my kids and my sister. xAH shows up. We all play friendly then I go home and my sister comes over for a bit with her family. It was pleasant.

Later in the day I start getting crazy texts from xAH which I ignore.

Fri my sister calls me SCREAMING telling me I am unstable and repeating as if it is fact, the BS that xAH was texting me the day before.

I reply and tell her a) to stop yelling (she tells me no, that it's time someone stop me and protect her nieces) and b) that if she'd like facts, she ought to speak to me and ask for facts...

She rants and rages and in drips and drabs I learn that xAH is making horrid, horrid allegations about my keeping the girls from him, that they are in danger, that I am suicidal, that he is afraid for my safety and the girls etc...

And in true f'ed up family fashion, my family of origin who have not wanted to be in my life or my kids lives at all for months and who have turned their backs when I have reached out for help, all apparently decide to just take xAH at his word and lash out at me.

So, I have made it clear to my sister and to xAH that their behavior borders on slander and it needs to stop and that much as I want my kids to have relationships with extended family, they will NOT be around people who are so toxic as to behave as they have in the last few days... That of course got me told that I need help and to please let people help me etc....

I am frankly TERRIFIED of the lengths that xAH will go to. My own mother managed to alienate my father from all 5 of my siblings with the same behavior that xAH is pulling. She got the courts to buy her tales and spent 10+ years dragging him into court and he finally just went away bc he couldn't fight anymore....

My family is so unbelievably sick and I don't know if they actually believe what they are alleging about me or if they want my kids for their image or if this is a way to get back at me or ????

I guess my mother expected me to beg to be there at Thanksgiving and when I didn't give a $hit and didn't reply to her emails, I have no doubt she enlisted my sister to be her by proxy abuser as she did when we were kids and they know that going after me as a mom and my kids is the best way to hurt me....

Has ANYONE experienced this level of crazy with family or x spouses and have any advice for me?

Obviously I am going NC with my family which really sucks for my kids bc they have had relationships with my mom, their aunt and their uncles and I have maintained those bc I wanted the girls to have extended family.... But at this point it just seems dangerous to continue to be around people who align themselves with an abusive alcoholic...
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:09 PM
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And.... they didn't have the cops come over with CPS to investigate because... Oh wait... they are so effing concerned! Right.

Go no contact. Change your number. Tell them to get lost. Be done. Do whatever you need to do to get rid of this crap.

Win. Win. Win. for you and the kids.

If you XAH doesn't stop with the slander, sue his ass for defamation. He'll learn to shut it.
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:34 PM
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Oh I would not be surprised if they didn't call DCYF -- they threatened that a year ago when I set a limit with my mother about her badmouthing xAH to my kids-- I might think he is an a$$ but I don't tell them that and she won't either. She told me I was a danger to my kids bc of my "protecting" him (apparently asking her to not badmouth him is akin to protecting him) and alleged she would seek custody. Lol!

It's pathetic and infuriating but also scary to see how sick people will use whatever leverage they can to hurt someone -- My family has moved on from insulting me directly and now use the threat of my kids as a way to try and hurt and manipulate me... Nice huh?
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:28 PM
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Cut toxic people, even family, out of your life and never look back. Write down what has already transpired and document anything that happens in the future. Email it to yourself and your lawyer.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:40 PM
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Going NC with toxic family takes a lot of courage and is sometimes the healthiest thing to do - especially with an NPD family member. I know it was a hard decision for me (I made it over 10 years ago!!) - the reason it's hard is because people don't get it unless they also have an NPD my struggle was with others saying "well I forgave my A father" or "I made the best of what I have". With an NPD it's about knowing the parent is not capable of change or empathy...or love. Forgiveness for me with my NPD mother is about acceptance - acceptance that she is incapable of empathy, change or even love and that her behavior will not change. She will continue to do everything she can to bring me down - hiring a PI, finding my employer and calling them and telling them lies about me - whatever it takes. Bringing me down makes her able to control me which is what she thrives's her game....she can and will do anything to have it be all about her...and if I would fight it she would turn into the victim manipulating others by saying how mean I was.

So my decision to go NC with her was because her toxicity was keeping me from living a sane and serene life. And I'm glad I made it and won't be changing it in the future. Did I stop her antics? No way - she is NPD and she will not be ignored - so she continues to stalk me, hire PIs and try to get to me through other avenues. She found out when I moved, when my mother in law passed and that I got separated from 3000 miles away. I don't know how...HOWEVER it would be a million times worse if she had a voice in it all and was an active NC allowed me to make her a passive participant. Does she still upset me? Yes...but I'm working on that - HOWEVER, the NC has calmed my mind regarding her 1000% - I am able to see her for who she is and know my truth even if "well meaning others" with normal dysfunction don't get it and tell me to reach out to her - they do not understand and that's OK.

As far as her thinking she has "rights" to "her granddchildren" - well your state sounds very conservative so I doubt she does (here in my liberal state it's a different matter). So you as the parent get to decide if she is healthy for them or not and if she's not well she's not...and she will have to accept that.

Once you cut off those emails and texts you will be surprised how much your mind will clear and the gaslighting will stop as well. I became so much more confident in me once I went NC.

Just my experience - not all people with NPD mothers/fathers go NC but a lot it doesn't make us bad people it just makes us people dealing with a bad situation in the best way we can.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by ichabod View Post
Cut toxic people, even family, out of your life and never look back. Write down what has already transpired and document anything that happens in the future. Email it to yourself and your lawyer.
This. So when they do try to retaliate, you have it documented.
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Old 12-01-2013, 05:12 PM
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Aernyn---I am so glad that you made this post. You make such a good point that those who are dealing with the outrageous and, often cruel and very destructive behavior of personality disorders--Esp. of NPD--are often misunderstood. People who haven't dealt with it themselves just don't get it. Often, these people actually criticize the victim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, again.

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Old 12-01-2013, 07:27 PM
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I don't have anything new to share other than that my mom threw a fit right before my Thanksgiving party, telling me to riff off and stop being so mean to her, because who knows why. Crazytown! Because she was not invited to my friends and neighbors party? I don't know.

Oh, that's not true. There was a row with xNPD because he confiscated DS14's Christmas check and cashed it for himself. I hope the $100 was worth losing the last of his son's respect. This in itself is absolutely nuts -- involving two generations of messed up expectations and awful family systems of domination and control. But anyway, he took DS's money and feels no shame at all. None.

Back when things were at their height with my xNPD, my narcissistic mom always took his side, blamed me, and conscripted others to believe his really outrageous lies about me. I'm still dealing with the after effects today. I think the worst thing about this dynamic is that I was always second guessing myself -- maybe I was an irresponsible loser who always fell short and was incapable of having relationships with my family! Or maybe my family was, inexplicably, sabotaging me for whatever reason, and acting out every time I tried to draw lines in the sand and set healthy boundaries for me and my children. Anyway, I'm just sharing in solidarity. It really is this bad, it really is this crazy. You're not crazy. And of you are, it's thanks to being the scapegoat for your family's effed up dynamics. As the person trying to get out of the sick family system, the family system is set up to make us the bad guys. It will be this way maybe forever, or maybe (I hope) until others in the system see how great it is to have a healthy distance, a healthy respect for honesty, a healthy respect for boundaries, and reasonable expectations of one another. I hope to be pleasantly surprised someday.
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Old 12-01-2013, 07:35 PM
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Oh, and a sign of progress? You were able to throw your hands in the air, be exasperated, but completely unsurprised that your family is still just as screwy as always. And then you moved on with things, venting about it in a healthy way here with others in the know.

I'm really trying to pick my battles nowadays. I try to view them with compassion, from a great emotional distance. My suggestion is to just document and keep in touch with your lawyer about their crazy antics.
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:45 PM
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Have you ever considered taking your fathers path and move far away from this insanity? It appears that the ex has the police and judges on his payroll and drinks with them. He is a pscyhopath who has everyone fooled. It just seems like a uphill battle that you are having. You have tried all the legal routes at some point I would flee with the kids.
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:15 PM
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Just remember WTBH, just because he or they say it does not mean it is true. If you legally cannot move away yet because of custody issues, (I can't yet), go no contact. With all of them. I only respond to emails, (no texts or calls) directly related to the kids.

Fill the space those toxic people held with fun, kid filled activities. Sign them up for sports or dance. Maybe you will meet new friends out of his realm of influence.

Document all his texts. Take screen shots of everything negative he says to you. If he says you are crazy, bipolar whatever. Let him prove it. My XAH accused that, and I just called my doctor and got a letter from him stating that he has never seen any indications of it. He used to make up all kinds of outrageous things to draw the attention from his issues. I would just go through his texts emails and declarations to the court and line by line find whatever proof I could find, old texts and emails, letters from doctors etc. to show that he was in fact lying. Let him call the police for child welfare checks. Bring it on. It just shows how you are living and makes him look bad for wasting the police officers time. This goes for not just him but for your family who are getting sucked into the madness. Have your attorney bring this up every time you go to court. I ended up with a restraining order against him because the judge was so sick of it....

It is an annoying, upsetting and time consuming job. But guess who is never second guessed in court any more? Yep me. Now if I state something, the judge really never asks for supporting documents.

Maybe this is your higher power telling you to "Let go. Because sometimes things just get too heavy." From your posts it seems you will be disappointed not having your family around, but not that sad. But it sounds like they never live up to your hopes and expectations anyway.

My thoughts are with you.....

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Old 12-02-2013, 02:37 PM
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I am so sorry. I remember what a hard time you were having before Thanksgiving and was hoping you would be able to have some peace. It does sound like they are all riding the crazy train. I agree. document...document...document. Save every single text, print them out and put them in a journal where you document what was done (my attorney's advise BTW). Other than that...what more can you do? Be healthy and let go of it. Don't get on the crazy train with them, it is only destined to crash!

Hugs and peace to you!
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Old 12-03-2013, 06:38 PM
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My therapist gave me this list. I think several of these apply to your situation. It sounds weird but it sort of took reading it to realise that yes I do have a right to loyalty, and I had never quite articulated that before.

Bill of Rights for Survivors of Emotional Abuse

1. I have a right to say "NO" and not be hassled or emotionally manipulated because I said no.

2. I have a right to have honesty from anyone I am involved with.

3. I have a right to exit a relationship.

4. I have a right to safety at all times.

5. I have a right to loyalty with partners, friends, family, and co-workers.

6. I have a right to forgive, but I have a right to forgive without continuing the relationship.

7. I have a right to make my own decisions.

8. I have a right to feel good about myself.

9. I have a right to eliminate people from my life who continually emotionally manipulate me.

10. I have a right to have and believe my own opinions.

11. I have a right to disagree with people, but still have a good relationship with them.

12. I have a right to have as many friends as I want.

13. I have a right to unconditional love.

14. I have a right to expect integrity and authenticity from people.

15. I have a right to a balanced life, including a close partner, friends, and family.

16. I have a right to confront anyone who tries to emotionally manipulate me.

17. I have a right to my own distinct and unique identity.
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