Resentment
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Resentment
For the last two days I have been so full of resentment. I know on my part it's distorted thinking but I've been finding it so difficult to manage my feelings.
It started with hearing the news that ANOTHER one of my friends is now engaged. Of course I'm happy for her and want the best but it just got me thinking about how I feel my RA has denied me all those wonderful normal things you just take for granted, like a proposal. I know he's been ill and in his words "over the last few years I've wanted to kill myself not get married". So yes, I get that while he was drinking and not on a programme this could not have happened. But he is now in recovery and he regularly attends AA. I just feel like I'm always the one waiting, always the one who gets let down and who's life has suffered because of his drinking and drug use.
Whilst I understand that I chose to stay with and A and choose to stay with a RA, I just feel so angry right now. Angry that even after everything we've been through together over the years (good and bad) he doesn't feel inclined to propose. I know there's probably a fair few of you who think I'm mad (especially those who know bits of my story on here) to even consider wanting to marry someone who has the issues he has. I get that. Anyway, rant over :-) thank you.
It started with hearing the news that ANOTHER one of my friends is now engaged. Of course I'm happy for her and want the best but it just got me thinking about how I feel my RA has denied me all those wonderful normal things you just take for granted, like a proposal. I know he's been ill and in his words "over the last few years I've wanted to kill myself not get married". So yes, I get that while he was drinking and not on a programme this could not have happened. But he is now in recovery and he regularly attends AA. I just feel like I'm always the one waiting, always the one who gets let down and who's life has suffered because of his drinking and drug use.
Whilst I understand that I chose to stay with and A and choose to stay with a RA, I just feel so angry right now. Angry that even after everything we've been through together over the years (good and bad) he doesn't feel inclined to propose. I know there's probably a fair few of you who think I'm mad (especially those who know bits of my story on here) to even consider wanting to marry someone who has the issues he has. I get that. Anyway, rant over :-) thank you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Hi KKE
I hear you. I consider myself "engaged" to my partner. Sometimes I call him my partner sometimes my fiance. After a year or so together we talked lots of future talk about when we were married and all the stuff round about that. Three years later we don't have these conversations anymore and to be honest I don't know what the future holds.
The sad thing is the only real, proper proposal I have had was when he was drunk and the next day he remembered so little of that evening he wouldn't be able to tell you if I said yes or no.
I hear you.
I hear you. I consider myself "engaged" to my partner. Sometimes I call him my partner sometimes my fiance. After a year or so together we talked lots of future talk about when we were married and all the stuff round about that. Three years later we don't have these conversations anymore and to be honest I don't know what the future holds.
The sad thing is the only real, proper proposal I have had was when he was drunk and the next day he remembered so little of that evening he wouldn't be able to tell you if I said yes or no.
I hear you.
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Dandylion - Do you mean awareness of the situation? I'll try and see it as a positive if you think it is!
Jessica - It's just not what I dreamt of, fighting for a proposal. All of my other friends it was the usual romantic, unexpected surprise stuff. Me? I expected it two years ago on my 30th, instead he left me a month later. Obviously he came back (left again then came back again) and has managed to achieve sobriety. It was my birthday last Saturday and there was a small part of me that thought "ooo well he has been sober for a long time, he knows I want to get married....yes, he might ask". Nothing. Then the recent news of my friend was enough for all these feelings to come pouring out.
Jessica - It's just not what I dreamt of, fighting for a proposal. All of my other friends it was the usual romantic, unexpected surprise stuff. Me? I expected it two years ago on my 30th, instead he left me a month later. Obviously he came back (left again then came back again) and has managed to achieve sobriety. It was my birthday last Saturday and there was a small part of me that thought "ooo well he has been sober for a long time, he knows I want to get married....yes, he might ask". Nothing. Then the recent news of my friend was enough for all these feelings to come pouring out.
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Originally Posted by KKE 
I just feel like I'm always the one waiting, always the one who gets let down and who's life has suffered because of his drinking and drug
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KKE--one thing I know from experience: Anything that is a big issue (to you) prior to marriage---becomes a great, giant honking issue, after marriage. Harder to walk away from after marriage, also.
I believe you are worth a lot more. Don't you think so?
dandylion
I believe you are worth a lot more. Don't you think so?
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I'm sorry if I don't get this, but as someone married to alcoholic, and reading that you WANT to a proposal from an RA just makes me want to shout ARE YOU MAD????!!!
I don't think I know the whole picture, so please forgive me if it appears like I'm jumping down your throat, but I can attest this brutal fact: a wedding and marriage will not make things better for you, especially if he's just trying to find reasons to live.
Toss in 4 kids(yep, 4 of em), and it STILL does make it more fun.
Coming from this side of the fence, I'm going to offer this advice:
RUN!!!
I know all the years you've put into will appear to be wasted. Only more years will be wasted if you go deeper with this guy.
Trust me. The Aisle you'll be walking down only leads to a dark tunnel that'll take you to a place I would not take my worst enemy.
Just RUN and don't look back.
I don't think I know the whole picture, so please forgive me if it appears like I'm jumping down your throat, but I can attest this brutal fact: a wedding and marriage will not make things better for you, especially if he's just trying to find reasons to live.
Toss in 4 kids(yep, 4 of em), and it STILL does make it more fun.
Coming from this side of the fence, I'm going to offer this advice:
RUN!!!
I know all the years you've put into will appear to be wasted. Only more years will be wasted if you go deeper with this guy.
Trust me. The Aisle you'll be walking down only leads to a dark tunnel that'll take you to a place I would not take my worst enemy.
Just RUN and don't look back.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Having been with an active A for 6 years, then having a baby, I feel like I was married and I didn't get the glorious wedding either. The only time mine ever proposed was the day after obnoxiously disappearing from his own birthday party for many hours after drinking energy drinks + booze. He returned around 4 am wrapped in an area rug that someone was getting rid of and missing his glasses. He was lying on the couch all the next day, hungover and it was so non romantic. He was like, "We've been through a lot together and I wonder if you want to get married." Ugh. I almost broke up with him then. Instead I told him (not all that nicely) I'd need something more romantic than that. He never asked again. We talked about it after or baby was born, but when Baby was about 5 months old, he started an emotionally intimate secret dialogue on Facebook with a woman in another state. I still tried to work it out with him, but he bailed after we'd been together for 7 years.
ANYWAY, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Need I say more?
ANYWAY, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Need I say more?
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Hi again KKE,
I understand the resentment and I think you're allowed to feel that way. In fact, you're allowed to feel any dang way you happen to be feeling at any particular time.
Feelings don't have to make sense but this one does, to me. I'm guessing your longing for a proposal and marriage is, well, the same longing we all have/had when we are/were involved with an A: we just want things to be effing NORMAL.
You wish he would propose. I used to wish mine would just go to one school play or sports events for the kids. Tomato, tomahto. Same thig, different wants.
I found that as AXH's alcoholism progressed, my "wants" became more and more pathetic. I accepted more and more of his addict behaviors as normal and demanded less and less.
The man you are with is in recovery. That doesn't mean you have a shot at normal - your life with him, if you stay together, will never be normal. It will never be as if alcoholism doesn't exist.
But that doesn't mean life with a recovering A can't be beautiful and amazing. If this is what you want, just as when he was drinking, you have to take the good with the bad.
I understand wanting the amazing proposal. I understand wanting to be married. I would just really search my heart to make sure that I hadn't traded wanting to change him in one way (stop drinking) to wanting to change him in another way (do romantic things that I'm ready for but he's not). Because I'm a Codie in recovery, I have to watch my relapses the same way an A has to watch theirs...
And I wanted to tell you that your post reminded me of seeing pregnant women after I had a miscarriage. I was happy, thrilled, joyous beyond belief for them. And at the same time it stabbed me in the chest with a pain so sudden I gasped for breath. It's not that you are resentful of their happiness. It's just that you are in pain because you want so badly what they have and somewhere, you know that there's a good chance you may never get it.
Be good to yourself.
I understand the resentment and I think you're allowed to feel that way. In fact, you're allowed to feel any dang way you happen to be feeling at any particular time.
Feelings don't have to make sense but this one does, to me. I'm guessing your longing for a proposal and marriage is, well, the same longing we all have/had when we are/were involved with an A: we just want things to be effing NORMAL.
You wish he would propose. I used to wish mine would just go to one school play or sports events for the kids. Tomato, tomahto. Same thig, different wants.
I found that as AXH's alcoholism progressed, my "wants" became more and more pathetic. I accepted more and more of his addict behaviors as normal and demanded less and less.
The man you are with is in recovery. That doesn't mean you have a shot at normal - your life with him, if you stay together, will never be normal. It will never be as if alcoholism doesn't exist.
But that doesn't mean life with a recovering A can't be beautiful and amazing. If this is what you want, just as when he was drinking, you have to take the good with the bad.
I understand wanting the amazing proposal. I understand wanting to be married. I would just really search my heart to make sure that I hadn't traded wanting to change him in one way (stop drinking) to wanting to change him in another way (do romantic things that I'm ready for but he's not). Because I'm a Codie in recovery, I have to watch my relapses the same way an A has to watch theirs...
And I wanted to tell you that your post reminded me of seeing pregnant women after I had a miscarriage. I was happy, thrilled, joyous beyond belief for them. And at the same time it stabbed me in the chest with a pain so sudden I gasped for breath. It's not that you are resentful of their happiness. It's just that you are in pain because you want so badly what they have and somewhere, you know that there's a good chance you may never get it.
Be good to yourself.
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Lillamy, thank you for sharing that about your response after miscarriage. I can see the similarity. I actually was afraid for most of my adult life that I might never have a baby. It made me crazy enough to settle for an alcoholic as my baby's father. I remember being so sad, but wanting to be happy when my younger sister announced that she was having a baby about a year and a half before I ever knew my dream would come true.
My experience is not the same as miscarriage, but I have a hint of what that painful envy is like. The best thing about KKE's situation is that she COULD possibly fall in love and be romantically proposed to by someone else. If she's anything like me, the FEAR of what she might never get keeps her stuck in a less than happy situation where she might never get what she wants anyway. I learned the hard way that this may come at a very high price. I get it though.
My experience is not the same as miscarriage, but I have a hint of what that painful envy is like. The best thing about KKE's situation is that she COULD possibly fall in love and be romantically proposed to by someone else. If she's anything like me, the FEAR of what she might never get keeps her stuck in a less than happy situation where she might never get what she wants anyway. I learned the hard way that this may come at a very high price. I get it though.
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First, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your feelings after your miscarriage. I can totally see the similarity and those of you who know bits of my story know that I really do mean it when I say I can empathise with that pain so thank you.
I know what some of you are saying when you say I should run and I shouldn't be considering "normal" with a RA. I think I'm trying to process what you are all saying and give it a fair chance in my head i.e. I don't want to give a defensive reply.
I know it probably doesn't sound like it but since he stopped drinking our lives have been so much more peaceful and I'd say I personally am a lot happier. Based on that and his commitment he is showing to recovery, getting married seems like the most natural thing. I've come to terms and accepted the fact that being with him is always going to have its challenges but I don't fully understand why it's such a bad idea to want to marry a RA. The obvious answer is, is that he can pick up a drink at anytime?
I know what some of you are saying when you say I should run and I shouldn't be considering "normal" with a RA. I think I'm trying to process what you are all saying and give it a fair chance in my head i.e. I don't want to give a defensive reply.
I know it probably doesn't sound like it but since he stopped drinking our lives have been so much more peaceful and I'd say I personally am a lot happier. Based on that and his commitment he is showing to recovery, getting married seems like the most natural thing. I've come to terms and accepted the fact that being with him is always going to have its challenges but I don't fully understand why it's such a bad idea to want to marry a RA. The obvious answer is, is that he can pick up a drink at anytime?
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I know it probably doesn't sound like it but since he stopped drinking our lives have been so much more peaceful and I'd say I personally am a lot happier. Based on that and his commitment he is showing to recovery, getting married seems like the most natural thing. I've come to terms and accepted the fact that being with him is always going to have its challenges but I don't fully understand why it's such a bad idea to want to marry a RA. The obvious answer is, is that he can pick up a drink at anytime?
I would never say "don't marry an RA." There are never any guarantees in life. I didn't realize I married an alcoholic when I did. I didn't realize I married an alcoholic with mental health issues either. I just thought I married a terribly charming, intelligent and funny man.
By which I mean -- you know your RA has issues with alcohol. So that's no surprise. The fact that he is an alcoholic is, however, only one part of who he is. You're surrounded by double winners here who, I would dare to say, are sweet and wonderful people who make partners as great as any.
When I say "you can never expect normal with an A" -- all I mean is that most normal people don't think of alcoholism as a possibility in their marriage. You have to always have that in the back of your mind. But you know, you could marry someone who's not an alcoholic and they could turn out to be a porn addict or shoplifter or a person who kicks cats in their spare time.
There are never any guarantees. You get to make your choices, and as long as you go into whatever you go into with eyes wide open, you're living your life according to your own script. And that's some pretty tall corn.
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I want to throw my 2 cents in here, because my AH was in recovery when we got back in touch and started dating, then got married. I was woefully naive about what alcoholism meant, and figured that because he was working a program and doing very well, I just had nothing to worry about. He had over a year of solid sobriety/recovery when we started dating, and two years when we married. And yet now, we are three years into a horrible, horrible relapse. I had no idea what a relapse would look like. You have been with your A in the depths of the disease, so you KNOW what could lie ahead in the event of a relapse.
In no way am I saying that should automatically deter you (or anyone) from pursuing a relationship with an RA. Just that you should go in with your eyes wide open about what the future COULD hold, and whether you are prepared to deal with the fallout. That's just part of the "non-normal" that comes with being in a relationship with an alcoholic, recovering or not.
In no way am I saying that should automatically deter you (or anyone) from pursuing a relationship with an RA. Just that you should go in with your eyes wide open about what the future COULD hold, and whether you are prepared to deal with the fallout. That's just part of the "non-normal" that comes with being in a relationship with an alcoholic, recovering or not.
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KKE, I apologize for my jumping off in my initial response to you. I truly didn't want to make you feel awkward or defensive here. Our significant others have already done that to us enough already, so why add to that fun?
My AW pretty much designated our kids and I to being to subordinate to the bottle(or whatever drug of choice) a couple days ago, and I don't care how much I thought I could prepare myself for that, I am not prepared to hear that aimed at my kids(guess that's why I've been a little acidic in my posts lately).
Just seeing/feeling/experiencing everything about this right now, I really can't bear to see anybody waiting in line for this ride without saying anything about it.
Experiencing this day-to-day guessing game is not what a stable marriage can be built upon.
I hope you make the right decision for yourself. Not him, friends, family or us.
Just you.
Peace.
My AW pretty much designated our kids and I to being to subordinate to the bottle(or whatever drug of choice) a couple days ago, and I don't care how much I thought I could prepare myself for that, I am not prepared to hear that aimed at my kids(guess that's why I've been a little acidic in my posts lately).
Just seeing/feeling/experiencing everything about this right now, I really can't bear to see anybody waiting in line for this ride without saying anything about it.
Experiencing this day-to-day guessing game is not what a stable marriage can be built upon.
I hope you make the right decision for yourself. Not him, friends, family or us.
Just you.
Peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted by KKE
So what you're saying is, am I prepared to go through what I went through when he was drinking?
I had no context for addiction. When I was dating and married my A, he was in recovery and I had never known him any other way. I just assumed that because he was in recovery, everything would be fine for ever and ever, amen. Obviously, that is not the case, and I just wish I would have known more about alcoholism at the time.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin
When I was dating and married my A, he was in recovery and I had never known him any other way. I just assumed that because he was in recovery, everything would be fine for ever and ever, amen. Obviously, that is not the case, and I just wish I would have known more about alcoholism at the time.
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