Hi again KKE,
I understand the resentment and I think you're allowed to feel that way. In fact, you're allowed to feel any dang way you happen to be feeling at any particular time.
Feelings don't have to make sense but this one does, to me. I'm guessing your longing for a proposal and marriage is, well, the same longing we all have/had when we are/were involved with an A: we just want things to be effing NORMAL.
You wish he would propose. I used to wish mine would just go to one school play or sports events for the kids. Tomato, tomahto. Same thig, different wants.
I found that as AXH's alcoholism progressed, my "wants" became more and more pathetic. I accepted more and more of his addict behaviors as normal and demanded less and less.
The man you are with is in recovery. That doesn't mean you have a shot at normal - your life with him, if you stay together, will never be normal. It will never be as if alcoholism doesn't exist.
But that doesn't mean life with a recovering A can't be beautiful and amazing. If this is what you want, just as when he was drinking, you have to take the good with the bad.
I understand wanting the amazing proposal. I understand wanting to be married. I would just really search my heart to make sure that I hadn't traded wanting to change him in one way (stop drinking) to wanting to change him in another way (do romantic things that I'm ready for but he's not). Because I'm a Codie in recovery, I have to watch my relapses the same way an A has to watch theirs...
And I wanted to tell you that your post reminded me of seeing pregnant women after I had a miscarriage. I was happy, thrilled, joyous beyond belief for them. And at the same time it stabbed me in the chest with a pain so sudden I gasped for breath. It's not that you are resentful of their happiness. It's just that you are in pain because you want so badly what they have and somewhere, you know that there's a good chance you may never get it.
Be good to yourself.