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Old 06-03-2002, 05:51 PM
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Hello Sidmom!
I cannot reply privately to you message until you enable the private messages in your profile. However, I would urge you to post your story here. All of these remarkable people have stories that echo yours, and they love to share their experience, strength and hope!
You are not alone. The experience you are having is common. The questions you have are ones we all have had.
Welcome to the recovery forum!

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Smoke
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Old 06-04-2002, 04:19 AM
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I couldn't figure out how to send or reply...was very confused. Anyway, here is my story...
Hi'
I am new to this site, and like everyone else, never thought I'd be in this situation...
I finally kicked my husband out last August after months of living hell. We knew each other for 10 years, lived together for 5, and were married for 3. We were (and will always be) soulmates. But I saw this battle in him, evil vs. good, and the evil finally won out. He tried to recover in the beginning, then after a million relapses, me sitting on the edge of my seat, my stomache dropped every time his car pulled up, I came home and found him smoking oxycoton out of a pipe. Even in detox, when I saw signs of recovery I was willing to give him another chance. Then I got his cell bill and saw calls he made to his drug dealer. That was it for me.
Then I found out I was pregnant and wanted to shake him back to sense but I knew I needed to do what was best for me at that point, and I terminated the pregnancy. It was not fair to bring a child into this mess.
My soon to be X is no=w in jail for his 3rd DUI - for 6 months. A few weeks ago I decided to go see him. I knew his parents had pretty much abandoned him, and he had only one visitor and I felt pity. I also wanted to see if he was in recovery, or where his mind set was. It was like talking to a stranger. He is maximum security for a DUI...and apparently you can get drugs in jail. He didn't even appreciate the courage it took for me to go there to see him (he had already been there for 4 months).
I guess (after all this) my question is, does this sounds like he will recover? IS this normal behavior? Do they become strangers??? I KNOW I was HIS soulmate as well. He said he would never remarry because he could never have what we had.
The visit validated my decision, but it also made me sad because I realized there was no hope...for him...for us...
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Old 06-04-2002, 05:30 AM
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Hello Sidmom!
Glad you got all the buttons figured out.
When someone is in the grip of an addictive drug, they can indeed seem as strangers to us. All they seem to think about at that point is getting more of the drug. Whether or not he recovers is up to him, and there is no telling if he will get the inspiration, or where it will come from. People do come back from some pretty far gone conditions. But there are also those who never stop.
The only thing you can do is to look out for yourself. You have begun to do that by making him move out and coming here for support! You'll read this a lot here; You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. As tough as it is to accept, his recovery is up to him. Yours is up to you, too!
Once again, welcome!

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Smoke
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Old 06-04-2002, 05:40 AM
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Ann
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Sidmom

Just want to welcome you also and hope you find some good support and recovery here. It is a terrific place to share our strength, hope and experience.

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Old 06-04-2002, 08:43 AM
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Thanks for your kind words. I do consider myself a healthy individual and therefor knew when it was time to get out, as painful as it was. I filed for divorce and it will be legal in a month or so. I go to a social worker who deals with Alcoholism and has shed some light on the disease for me. I have never gone to Al-Anon so this is the first time I am connecting to people with whom I can relate. I know I had no control over his actions. It is just so hard to accept that this kind, gentle, man has turned into a cold and distant person. It is also beyond comprehension that drugs are accessible in jail! They actually have to take drug tests (which is how Im guessing he landed himself in maximum security). I suppose I just need to hear from people that share my feelings, pain, and experiences.
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Old 06-04-2002, 06:37 PM
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Hello sidmom, I have been away from the boards for a while. Yes, it is possible for your A to recover. I just completed ny first month in Al-Anon and my husband is into his second month of sobriety in AA. Jesus, the stories I've heard in Al-Anon. And teh success stories my husband has heard in AA - guys on Skid Row who have been bums for 20 years getting religion and turning their life around. However - you cannot - must not - think about this! Everything now is about you. He will do what he will do. You must save yourself and learn from your pain because you still have a long road ahead of you. I don't necessarily subscribe to the idea that co-dependents are ill or in some way not well. I think we are would-be healthy people with poor coping skills facing horrendously powerful and stressful life experiences. We do what we can do when we can do it. However, this does not mean we want to continue running our very unproductive patterns forever. Go to Al-Anon. You'll meet with people who, believe me, can knock your stories right out of the ballpark. If they've been there any length of time chances are good that they are also happy, energized and working towards peace. You will get a vision of where you can be six months or a year from now. Just be hopeful, keep your heart open and refuse to be cynical! Love, Chi
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