smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Sidmom!
I cannot reply privately to you message until you enable the private messages in your profile. However, I would urge you to post your story here. All of these remarkable people have stories that echo yours, and they love to share their experience, strength and hope!
You are not alone. The experience you are having is common. The questions you have are ones we all have had.
Welcome to the recovery forum!

Hugs,
Smoke