big oops

Old 09-22-2013, 05:47 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
box of chocolates
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big oops

We talk about detaching and not responding or instigating fights with an alcoholic.
I made a huge oops! I didnt do any of those. Im doing the steps in trying to break free and be mentally physically and emotionally well and this am /last night I messed up.
We had a good day. All day but then i found ah's bottle hidden and it was new and I could tell he had already been drinking the bottle was almost finished. Usually I throw them away/pour them out. Last night I decided not too. Just walked away and left it where it was. Even though I dont condone it in the house at all.
Anyhow our neighbors were throwing a party and ah said he was going to tell them to turn down the music. Knowing that he might be lying (after all his bottle was about empty and he couldnt buy more) I said so what...just let go of the illusion of control and said ok.
Telling them took an hr (yeaa I know bs!). He came back for maybe 5 minutes then Made an excuse to go back over there saying 20 mins
That 20 minutes took 4 hours at which time I blew up and made a scene about how disrespectful it is that he dissapears and isnt sober...isnt workingpa program...and is pretty much a liar.
I jist snapped and then once I let it out I thought"what the f was I thinking! !!?"
1. You cant argue with a drunk. It wont go anywhere and always ends worse
And 2. I feel horrible because I responded period. Im sick of the bs and the way it feels responding.
Ah tried to act all high and mighty and at first was insisting he was not in the wrong. He did nothing wrong and said he wasnt drinking and I was crazy. At that point I got quiet. Why? Hes drunk and itll just go in circles(though he wasnt as drunk as hes been in the past...not by a long shot btw anyhow)and because hes an alcoholic and alcoholics who use are in such denial...they are NEVER wrong.
I realized at that point I needed to relax and breath and stop.
BUT after us both being amazingly calm ah sees my bags packed (I need a getaway from blowing up and feeling the way I do) that he went bizerk !!! Yelling and being animated and calling me horrid names.
Then finally asleep.

I feel like crap right now and you know what's crazy?
I dont feel like like crap because the duck acted like a duck
I feel like crap because I acted like one. Quack!
I lost my cool. Very Not cool.

Im reading some al anon literature right now and working on me. The only person I can control. I just need to get to that place.
Wish me luck im going on a journey to find serenity guys. God knows I need it
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Old 09-22-2013, 06:09 AM
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Oh, I'm sorry you had such a bad night, but it reinforced what you have been learning, right? You understand now that it is better to be detached from the madness--for both of you, but especially for you.

Learning NOT to react really does take practice sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself. You did take a step on that journey by recognizing exactly what happened!
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Old 09-22-2013, 06:16 AM
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You are human right? Well forgive yourself for being imperfect and carry on.

Detachment takes practice, and lots of it. I'm still not very good at it.

Maybe there's something positive you can take from this, maybe you'll know what not to do next time?

Wishing you lots of luck on your journey!
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Old 09-22-2013, 06:35 AM
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box of chocolates
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I wish I could snap my finger and not react or care but try try again. I just widh it were a few less tries lol
Reading is helping though. Im doing step study. On step number 2. Im really taking my time with each step. Not rushing at all.
Its kind of nice. Im also going to follow it up with a few bible verses.
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Old 09-22-2013, 09:33 AM
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Like the other posters say - its ok that we lose our cool once in a while. We are human after all. It happens.

For me, it happened too often; I knew I had to leave in order to salvage my own sanity. For me, successful detachment meant removing myself from the situation causing such stress. I decided living with an alcoholic wasn't worth it, nor was trying to "detach" from behavior I already knew I couldn't and didn't want to live with.

You have that choice too, ya know. If he isn't trying, working a program, and violating your boundaries time and time again, why bother?
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Old 09-22-2013, 09:36 AM
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have you considered leaving? or maybe the bigger question is, what holds you there in this horrid toxic environment?
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Old 09-22-2013, 11:23 AM
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thislonelygirl....stop beating up on yourself! Remember, progress NOT perfection. Active alcoholics are pretty much He** to live with.

Now, did you put your bags away after he pitched a temper tantrum (a verbally abusive tantrum). Did you just teach him another way to manipulate/control you? Personally, I think a break away from the crazy train would do you some good.

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Old 09-22-2013, 02:53 PM
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box of chocolates
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Thanks all.
No I kept my bags there . They still are while I make arrangements with family. For atleast a bit.
I left before and it was the best decision for my sanity I could have done. So I know as ridiculous as it is having to do that with your partner its also the best decision to make sometimes.
I feel better but im kicking kyself a little. ..I like to think it just gave me a little more incentive to get healthy. For today im going to enjoy tgis perfect weather away from ah.
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Old 09-22-2013, 02:59 PM
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Good for you!

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Old 09-22-2013, 03:04 PM
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You remind me of me - be as gentle with yourself as you would be with any other person.

I have found in my recovery that my learning curve has three phases:

1) I just did it again! I didn't want to but I did! Arg!
2) I'm in the middle of doing it again and I don't want to! I think I'll shift gears!
3) I'm about to do it again and don't want to. I think I'll do something different.

We all have our limits. Your insights into yourself are spot on! Congrates on that!

H.U.G.S.!! ("Hope U Get Serenity!")
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Old 09-22-2013, 03:27 PM
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Your husband sounds like a garden-variety alcoholic so none of his actions should be surprising. We learn in Alanon there's nothing we can say or do that will control someone else's alcohol consumption. Recovery is a process and you're headed in the right direction, which is really what matters. Give yourself credit for trying.
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Old 09-22-2013, 04:57 PM
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Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself credit for realizing this is not the way you want to react. I would also suggest you stop throwing/pouring out his liquor. It does nothing to stop the disease, and keeps you in the circus. (((hugs)))
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