Confused and just need some advice

Old 09-21-2013, 01:52 PM
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Confused and just need some advice

Hi, I'm new to this forum and am looking for advice. I have been married almost one year, I am and 26 and my wife is 27. The reason for this post is that my wifes drinking is causing problems in our relationship. She is a wonderful person who I love so much, but when she drinks it's a totally different situation. She generally drinks about 2-2/12 boxes of wine a week. She drinks usually everyday, unless she gets extremely intoxicated and then she will usually skip a night. We have had problems with her and alcohol many times in the past. I have voiced my concerns time and time and time again with her and it always falls on deaf ears. I usually get responses like, I will do better or ok or I don't want to talk about it. It is very rare that I drink, maybe a glass or two of wine once or twice a month. Due to this, she is drinks by herself and stays up until the early morning hours. It is causing her to be late for work sometimes. For instance, this morning she was 2 hours late to work and would have been even later had I not woke her up off the couch. When I tried to talk about the fact that she was late, she began to cry and the subject was changed to her depression. I feel that the drinking and the late nights are making her depression worse. It is rare that we sleep together because she usually stays up on the nights she drinks and does random house chores or watches TV. On the nights she gets really intoxicated I will find her on the couch. What makes this even more difficult is that she deals with depression and anxiety. So, when I talk to her about her drinking it makes her depressed, which causes me to back off on talking about the subject. She replies with things like, you're just so perfect and you never do anything wrong. I feel that she's just trying to turn the conversation onto me. Her aunt, whom she is very close with, is currently undergoing chemo therapy and she is having a very hard time with it. She tells me that she doesn't drink because she is sad. She says that she doesn't mean to get drunk and that it just happens. I have a hard time believing this. When she gets heavily intoxicated, she crys and has panic attacks which then turns to anger because I "don't understand". The next day, she doesn't remember any of what she does and when I tell her she says that she doesn't want to relive it. I'm almost at my breaking point. I feel that she has a problem with alcohol and needs to seek help and stop. However, she stands by the fact that she doesn't and says that she just likes drinking wine. A few more things, and forgive me for rambling but I have alot built up inside. She admitted to having a problem with alcohol back in 2010 when she was drinking beer every night and getting intoxicated, which then led to a suicide attempt. She laid off for awhile but soon she was back at it, only to switch to wine. I feel that it is slowly taking over our relationship, as I can't have a relaxing night in my home when she is drinking. I'm tired of sleeping alone and I'm tired of my concerns falling on deaf ears. I could continue on with more, but I feel I have given you guys enough for a starting point. Any advice is greatly appreciated and please let me know what you think.
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Old 09-21-2013, 03:25 PM
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please let me know what you think.
I THINK . . . you could use some Alanon.

You know where to go?

I will save you a seat.
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Old 09-21-2013, 03:38 PM
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What Hammer said.

I feel that she has a problem with alcohol and needs to seek help and stop. However, she stands by the fact that she doesn't and says that she just likes drinking wine.
She's not ready and no matter how much your urge her to do what's right for her, she's not going to. In fact, she will go all out and get worse. You are about to step on her Demon and she will get fierce on you.

Please, take care of you. If you can't see yourself dealing with this next year, 5 years, 10 years from now... you'll should consider your options. You do not have to act this very minute. Take your time, soak it in and go to Al Anon.
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Old 09-21-2013, 04:41 PM
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It is very confusing at first.

There are some really positive things you talk about in your post. One is that you recognize that your needs are not being met. Another is that you know she has a problem. And, you have no children.

I agree with the advice to get to Alanon. Also, maybe see a therapist and focus on YOU and what you want from life.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 09-21-2013, 04:55 PM
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I agree with Flavia, it is fortunate that you don't have any children--that would be a whole new level of complication to an already difficult situation.

This thing is bigger than you are. I second the advice of alanon. Loved ones suffer damage--just as the alcoholic does--but, without the alcohol to numb the pain.

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Old 09-21-2013, 07:22 PM
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Welcome, and I hope you find some hope here.

And when I say hope, I mean hope for your future, regardless of what she chooses to do or not do. This is your one shot at life. Make it count.

As for her, what she says when you try to confront her is normal alcoholic behavior. It is said that alcohol protects its perimeters. Calling her on it makes her panic. She probably can't imagine a life without drinking right now, much less how to go about quitting. She isn't ready.

In the meantime, ditto to Hammer's suggestion. Try Al-Anon. You may be in for an even longer ride if you choose to stay with her, so best have all the coping skills you can have for it. You'll find them at Al-Anon.

Keep coming back,
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Old 09-21-2013, 08:54 PM
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you're young - a year older than me.

In the situation, it's hard to see this clearly. your presence isn't stopping or helping her addiction. What are you psycho-social needs is she meeting for you?

the risk you're placed at is immense - false reports can lead to an myriad of legal issues following you for life.

What kind of living situation do you want to be in next year?
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Old 09-22-2013, 08:26 AM
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Welcome to SR, CM87. You've gotten some good solid advice so far, especially Alanon. SR is a truly wonderful community but it's good to have a real-world support system too, not just online chat.

You might find this thread helpful:

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and unless/until your AW seeks help, it will only get worse.

It sounds as if you knew of the drinking problem well before the marriage, and yet you went ahead and married her. Now, unsurprisingly, she STILL has a drinking problem and it's starting to be too much for you. I think that others here made a good point--you need to ask yourself what you're getting from a relationship like this, why you would get into such a relationship, stay in such a relationship, and then get married knowing what you were in for.

Read as much as you can, here and elsewhere. Get to Alanon. Educate yourself about what you're up against here, both with her alcoholism and with your likely codependent issues. Gradually you'll begin to see more clearly and you'll know what steps to start taking.

Again, welcome, and I hope you find as much help here as I have!
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Old 09-22-2013, 05:08 PM
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Dear cm87, gad you found this site. Your wife is an Alcoholic. Her refusal to acknowledge that doesn't make it any less true. Learn the 3C's: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, and without treatment she will get worse. But as an adult that's her choice. There is nothing you can do about it.

She will make her choices, but then let her experience the full consequences of those choices, don't step in to soften the blow. If she sleeps in for work, let her. Let her figure out what to tell her boss. There are alot of people out there with depression who don't turn to the bottle for answers, she is just looking for excuses. And if you get in the way of her drinking she will blame you too. Don't listen.

You are 26 YEARS OLD. You have been married for 1 year, you SHOULD be sick of sleeping alone at this point! You deserve a true partner. The sad fact is her first love is alcohol. If we could love our partners into sobriety, there would be no alcoholics! You can't change her, but you can change yourself. PLEEEZ find an AlAnon meeting near you. There is so much wisdom, acceptance, support, experience in those meetings. Read the sticky's at the top of this page.

Ask yourself what you want in a life partner, what you want in a life. You deserve those things.
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Old 09-22-2013, 05:29 PM
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Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it is going to get worse unless SHE makes the choice to stop drinking and work a program. The sucky part about that is she isn't ready to stop, so she isn't going to for you or anyone else. So, your options are to attend Al-Anon and figure out how to find peace and serenity at home amidst the chaos of alcoholism, or to attend Al-Anon and figure out how to find peace and serenity out of the home away from the chaos of alcoholism. Do you want to be here dealing with this x100 in five years? 10 years? 20 or more? These are things you need to think about. But first, and most importantly, get to Al-Anon.
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Old 09-22-2013, 05:54 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, cm87. I feel for you. I was like your wife for about 6 years and it killed my marriage and drove me into a deep depression. She's not going to quit unless she wants to. By the time I did it was too late to save my marriage. Go to Al-anon, it helps you gain a more rational and detached understanding of the situation and your role in the relationship.

Good luck to you.
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