big oops
We talk about detaching and not responding or instigating fights with an alcoholic.
I made a huge oops! I didnt do any of those. Im doing the steps in alanon....im trying to break free and be mentally physically and emotionally well and this am /last night I messed up.
We had a good day. All day but then i found ah's bottle hidden and it was new and I could tell he had already been drinking the bottle was almost finished. Usually I throw them away/pour them out. Last night I decided not too. Just walked away and left it where it was. Even though I dont condone it in the house at all.
Anyhow our neighbors were throwing a party and ah said he was going to tell them to turn down the music. Knowing that he might be lying (after all his bottle was about empty and he couldnt buy more) I said so what...just let go of the illusion of control and said ok.
Telling them took an hr (yeaa I know bs!). He came back for maybe 5 minutes then Made an excuse to go back over there saying 20 mins
That 20 minutes took 4 hours at which time I blew up and made a scene about how disrespectful it is that he dissapears and isnt sober...isnt workingpa program...and is pretty much a liar.
I jist snapped and then once I let it out I thought"what the f was I thinking! !!?"
1. You cant argue with a drunk. It wont go anywhere and always ends worse
And 2. I feel horrible because I responded period. Im sick of the bs and the way it feels responding.
Ah tried to act all high and mighty and at first was insisting he was not in the wrong. He did nothing wrong and said he wasnt drinking and I was crazy. At that point I got quiet. Why? Hes drunk and itll just go in circles(though he wasnt as drunk as hes been in the past...not by a long shot btw anyhow)and because hes an alcoholic and alcoholics who use are in such denial...they are NEVER wrong.
I realized at that point I needed to relax and breath and stop.
BUT after us both being amazingly calm ah sees my bags packed (I need a getaway from blowing up and feeling the way I do) that he went bizerk !!! Yelling and being animated and calling me horrid names.
Then finally asleep.
I feel like crap right now and you know what's crazy?
I dont feel like like crap because the duck acted like a duck
I feel like crap because I acted like one. Quack!
I lost my cool. Very Not cool.
Im reading some al anon literature right now and working on me. The only person I can control. I just need to get to that place.
Wish me luck im going on a journey to find serenity guys. God knows I need it