2Frazzled

EverHopeful,

Wow... I feel like you have written exactly what I experienced as well (including the 'I just want to be best friends' ~via text) ~ We just may have been partners with the same man!! Your post is so incredibly helpful. The explanation of the intermittent Chicken is so spot on.
I could not define what I felt happened in my relationship with XABF but this analogy has absolutely put it into the right perspective for me! and having a better understanding of what was happening (a cycle of abuse- whether intentional or not) really does help with healing... thank you so much for sharing your story xx

and NO MORE pellets for this Chicken!... I want a full meal and dessert next time

CentralOhioDad

Wow, I just read this this morning, and it's awesome! My AW plays me for the chicken - first telling me that she can't stand me and asks for the number of a lawyer, then saying we should have another baby! Come here, go away - it's been the theme of things for the last 5 years since she started her downward spiral.

In my head I have known about the intermittent chicken concept because I was living it, I just didn't have the title to put with it!

LexieCat

If you think about it for a moment, it's the same principle that causes people to become compulsive gamblers. They are rewarded JUST ENOUGH, by chance, to keep plugging coins into the one-armed bandit. Very, very few people ever really recoup their losses, but they hang in there, hoping for the big payoff.

So this isn't JUST about THEM, but also about US. We have to open our eyes and stop throwing figurative (or literal) good money after bad.

Liveitwell

COD-dude, I was living your life, except I'm a woman my then husband would talk about having more kids....when he wasn't taking care of the ones he had...those conversations were always while drunk....and after a big blow up when he was on his "nice time" before the next big spiral and abusive event. Lovely.....um, no. NO-not with him!

FireSprite

The first time I read this one, it was definitely a game changer for me. This captures one the subtleties of dysfunction that can be so difficult to put into words or label in a definitive way. It's also memorable in a way I can share with others easily, which is what makes it so "stickyable" to me. (thank you greeteachday!)

RAH uses/used (more old behavior that doesn't rear up often at this point, but that still slips out the sides now & again) this tactic without intent & by falling out of communication at stressful/critical times. Regardless of the NEW reasons it happens, it triggers feelings of OLD ones & stands in the way of developing trust. For him specifically, it relates more to his ADHD than his alcoholism but that doesn't excuse it either. So while I accept my responsibility/choice to remove myself from the equation, I feel like he bears the responsibility of managing a known issue to the best of his ability as well. He was the "friend" I printed it for.

I'm so glad you all are still getting as much out of it as I am!

FireSprite

Glenjo99

Wow, this explains a lot.

What I want to know is how the f$'k do they learn how to do this? What human being knows this or is it subconscious...

CentralOhioDad

Well, they are masters of manipulation and quite good at deflection and deceit. What they ultimately want to do is protect their ability to drink, so if they keep you off-guard enough, then you are going to start to think it's YOU that has the problem, and stop going after them. It's self-preservation, though we know that ultimately it is self-destruction.

Glenjo99

When you say, if they keep you off guard enough, you are going to think its you. What do you mean by keeping you off guard? Is this the same as gaslighting?

fightingfair

I think they learn to do it the way we learn anything - trial and error. It just works enough and becomes a habit with a great motivator. I was jsut thinking my xab often liked to asked me if I had something wrong with my eyes. Like I would be looking right in his eyes and he would swear I was looking elsewhere. It really messed with me a lot - to the point where I would ask friends if they had noticed anything like that. (No.) . IN retrospect, this topic came up quite frequently when we were getting dangerously close to the topic of self-care or alcohol ... but then maybe it's jsut my imagination. At least now I don't have to worry about what it was.

trailmix

I think in many cases it's just normal behavior. When you meet someone, anyone, why would you be anything but nice to them? You just met, you have no drama no history.

As people get more comfortable with others they let their guard down, that's normal, plus you are getting to know them better. The thing is with an alcoholic those things can be counter to having any kind of good relationship (romantic or otherwise).

But you didn't know that and you probably knew zip about alcoholism really (except that alcoholics like to drink a lot). Even someone drinking a lot isn't necessarily all that bad, it's all the crap that accompanies it that's bad. Plus it's progressive.

Normally the stuff that comes up is they don't empty the dishwasher or they spend 5 hours every Sunday watching football.

You can negotiate those things in a relationship, you can't negotiate alcoholism.

By the time you see it and understand it, you are already in and attached. I think the chicken analogy fits so well in these circumstances because there is a good side to most people (alcoholic or not) But the alcoholism makes the upside sporadic.

Anyway, just my take on it.

Nata1980

Ugh I don’t think it falls within the realm of normal behavior

XAH seems to deliberately do this. Act nice and then not nice at all. Rinse and repeat. It’s planned and intentional and designed to keep the hopes up. And I am afraid the intermittent chicken inside me ain’t quite dead yet

Selfishness of alcoholic, sober or not, makes upside sporadic indeed.

trailmix

lol

I agree with you Nata there are people out there where this isn't normal behavior, where it is pre-meditated, unkind, manipulative and mean.

But there are sober people like that too. So I don't think alcoholism is necessarily the "bad guy" in the chicken analogy, that's all I meant.

Glenjo99

My intermittent chicken is still clucking around too.

trailmix

And now I have the chorus from this song stuck in my head.

Awal

Even without alcohol involved narcissistic people do this too. Show you a little of the nice side once in a while to keep you hooked. Then treat you like s*** on their shoe and you wonder where the hell the nice person went. Then they come back...you let your guard down...and repeat...and repeat.

Glenjo99

The scary part is, the idea of them coming back sounds exciting. It definitely is the chicken thing! 3 months of NC and still miss the "reward".

atalose

Reminds me of the drug dealer - they give you just enough to get you hooked so that you keep coming back for more.

CentralOhioDad

Perfect analogy!!

Surfbee

So we are the chickens and they are the quackers! We work well together! lol