EverHopeful721

Thanks, outonalimb! And I agree - I never liked the chicken dance, either, and if I ever hear that music start up again, I'm saying, "NO THANKS!!!" and leaving the dance floor!!! I'm still pretty new to the 'recovery shuffle,' but I'm learning the steps one at a time.

4MyBoys

Oh God! Now I am a frog in a pot of boiling water and a chicken!!!!

Really, I want to be a little sparrow and fly the heck off this crazy train!

Great story and oh so true.......damn those pellets of kindness I am so hungry for.

Thanks Everhopeful,
4MyBoys

dandylion

:rotfxkoIntermittent Pellets= JUNK FOOD!!

EverHopeful721

4MyBoys - LOL!! A frog, a chicken, a sparrow....geez, I guess there's just NO limit to what we can be!! Funny thing, I remembered today that one time when I was crying to my Mom, I was trying to 'downplay' my XA's behavior because I was having doubts (a/k/a trying to once again rationalize his behavior and make excuses for him). And I said, "Well, maybe what he did really wasn't that bad... Maybe I'm just blowing it all out of proportion and it's not really that big of a deal...." And she goes, "Are you serious?? To treat someone like YOU the way he did, to me, is the equivalent of kicking a little baby peep with a steel-toed boot!! You're all soft and warm and gentle, and he came along and just crushed you!!" Why am I sharing this? Because apparently, even my MOM thinks I'm a chicken, LOL!!

dandylion - I'm not sure what the calorie count is on those pellets, but I think we can ALL attest to the fact that they have absolutely NO nutritional value and a lifetime diet of them will kill you, LOL!! Junk food, indeed!!

m1k3

Thanks so much for this!

It just made so many pieces fall into place. I'm doing well with my recovery but one thing I could never understand was why. Why I put up with so much. Then I read your post and the light bulb went off. I looked back over my marriage and I can see this type of control in her long before the alcoholism took off. Simply wow!

So, again, thanks so much for posting this. Another piece of the recovery puzzle falls into place.

EverHopeful721

You're welcome, m1k3. I know, it's crazy how on-point it is! I'm so glad that it helped!

Seren

So....sticky worthy? What do you say?

m1k3

I vote YES.

Your friend,

Programmatic

It's a better life outside the cage hunting down my own forage rather than sitting in a cage hoping I get "rewarded" with processed food every now and then. 7th Tradition comes to mind.

ShootingStar1

Yes!!!

ShootingStar1

Argnotthisagain

Finally, I saw this post!!!!!
Missed it up till now.


Oh boy, good one. Him keeping you at just enough distance so he doesn't have to give anything like commitment...

Helps me understand myself better too. Abusive childhoods teach you to think being treated this way is just how it goes. Wouldn't even have any CONCEPT of being treated kindly on a consistent basis.

I'm so glad this was on the front page this morning!!!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!

Seren

Added to the 'Classic Reading' sticky!

EverHopeful721

Yes, Arg, my XA was an expert at giving me just enough to keep me running back whenever he wanted me, but kept just enough of a distance that HE never had to give me anything back, let alone any kind of commitment or validation!

And I agree with you about abusive childhoods teaching you to think this is just how it goes. What's interesting is that I'm actually thinking about it from my XA's point of view. I think he learned this behavior from his childhood, as the victim, and it just naturally carried over into adulthood, so that now he just thinks that's how you should treat someone, since that's how he was treated.... And of course, the drugs and alcohol don't help - just make the behavior about a thousand times worse!!

I'm glad you got to read this post and that it helped in some way.

EverHopeful721

WOW!!!! I just have to say that I'm absolutely flattered and touched that my intermittent chicken story has resonated with so many people!! Thank you all for reassuring me that I'm not the only one who was shocked to wake up one day and learn that she had become an intermittent chicken, pecking for pellets of affection!! Thank you, hydrogirl, for making my humble chicken post a sticky for future SR members to read, and thanks to everyone who nominated it as 'sticky worthy' - I never imagined that something I posted could have such an impact, lol. You guys all ROCK!!!!

dandylion

Dear Everhopeful, Yes. It has been observed that of those who have an abusive childhood---males most often become abusers/ females often become the victims of abusers.

****I think that it is very important to note that many people with abusive childhoods DO NOT become abusive in adulthood. (I suspect there are intervening factors that may account for the differences in adult outcome). By the way--this is not com ing from me--but basic psychology textbooks.

dandylion

Argnotthisagain

Learning that "this" is just how things go---yes, if you don't have something positive to compare your suitor with, you can't protect yourself early on. Plus, chances are, you are craving affection.
Anything that you mistake for affection will be like a life-raft to you, because your general life-condition is, "Aaaaghhhhh! Help help! I'm drowning!".

Now here comes a guy who's good looking and seductive, giving you massive, obsessive/worshipful attention ("love-bombing"), and we hand over our heart, right there and then.

Ltlys

Ok, I think I get this story and how it applied to the story when i was living with my AB. However, right now Im a bit confused. U see he was the one who decided to move out of my house post treatment. He is the one that has had zero contact with me during his treatment and now in the following weeks after. He moved to a nearby town and has not said one word either way as to his plans. No " hey I never wanna see u or or children ever again." Or something in another direction like "hey I gotta get some things figured out and I need some time and space to do that." He just doesnt say anything at all. Im completely neurotic about it. So maybe Im completely being the intermittent chicken here or maybe I am the one who never gets any... Im completely confused!

LexieCat

He's just done dispensing the pellets, that's all. It only works, and he's only motivated to do it, as long as he wants to keep you around. When he's done, he has no interest in rewarding you, intermittently or otherwise.

You're still the poor, confused chicken waiting for the goodies. Time to step OUT of the Skinner box and into the sunshine, and start scratching for your OWN rewards--they will be much more satisfying, believe me.

EverHopeful721

I completely agree with Lexie - when they're done with you, they're done. They simply move on and find a new chicken...

Ipanema

Letting go of all that is damaging to my soul and letting in the kindness and respect is amazing....I didn't know I could actually do it...felt like it was my role to accept poor/abusive/cruddy/obnoxious behavior from some who didn't deserve me....some who I have 'let go' emotionally don't even realize it. I can talk to them and not have that connection anymore: to help...to do the right thing....to feel like a schmuck knowing they would never offer to do anything for me. Now that I am physically handicapped my Higher Power who brought new people into my life who lift me up as I would do for them.