dandylion

Newlook, his behavior makes him look like the "poster child" of alcoholic behaviors. It is right out of the manual of "How Alcoholics Behave 101". Very typical. And, Lexie is right--alcoholism and depression often go hand in hand. One has to get rid of the alcohol first, before depression can be treated.

Mood swings and shifting blame and expressing anger at you is part of how an active alcoholic will behave. It doesn't matter what you have done--or, not done! If you read the "stickies" at the top of this page---you will find these things covered.

Keeping secrets is something that is typical enabling, also. You are under no obligation to protect him by keeping secrets. It is his choice to have whatever reaction he pleases. Let him. It is not your problem--it is HIS. You have enough to worry about in keeping your own stoop in order.



dandylion

Newlook3

Thanks Dandylion and Lexicat. He thinks his depression has lifted now he is out of the relationship, he didn't say that but it appears so. He was taking antidepressants but drinking on them so I know for a fact they will not have done what they should've done. To be fair the relationship had got bad and very tense. It was a mess and I played my part in that definitely, I can see that now. The initial issues when he drank, jealousy etc, never left me and I could never relax in company if he was drinking. I think he may very well cut back his drinking now he is out of this situation because he learnt a lot on the depression course that the military sent him on but I don't understand why he styled so long if he was miserable and only now has he decided he wants out. He had stated that he believes the relationship went downhill during something I had to deal with re my daughter, that was 6 years ago!!
I know I will probably never know the truth, I can suspect a third party but cannot prove it and it is frustrating. I know his jealousy and insecurities won't go away though, he may be able to keep a check on them if he controls his drinking but I doubt it.
Counselling appt tomorrow so will see if I'm a case for therapy, feels like it!!!!

Newlook3

I received a text message from him last night asking if we were ok now he wasn't there making us miserable, stating that he couldn't make me happy, far from it, and that he was sure I would find 'the one'. I didn't reply, even though I wanted to because I don't want him to know I am miserable without him. He seems to think that after 13 years I will just forget him and be moving on to the next one! He doesn't understand the desperation I feel, knowing that I put too much emphasis on him for my life. I'm now in a position that I can do what I want when I want but find myself with nothing to do, except housework and shopping etc and I did that anyway. Days out/ meals/ nights away, all those I did with him and now that is gone. I feel like I'm existing, very much as I did before I met him. He is obviously happier living his own life, there was no regret in the text, just to say that he has released me from the misery he caused, it seems sarcastic almost, as if to say 'see I wasn't that bad and now you have lost me' and I am doubting myself. I read some of the posts on here and realise he wasn't that bad, he never hid alcohol or passed out or peed the bed. He went to the pub at weekends and came back normally on time. It was my reaction, based on when he was younger and we has big rows, that caused the problems. I never moved on from those damaging episodes in the early years, he had changed and I hadn't.

LexieCat

It was his drinking that caused problems.

His texts are intended to make you feel guilty and sad. Ignore them. They are sheer manipulation.

Can you block his number on your phone? Might be a good idea about now...

Newlook3

I slept a bit better last night, through until 6 am and woke up hungry which was a first. I had my counselling assessment today and will be referred for therapy so hopefully that will be a step in the right direction. I am starting to see my own part in the failure of the relationship and it was quite substantial, his drinking played a part definitely but jealously and possessiveness was also a factor. I have started looking back at my behaviour in previous relationships and realise that I have always been quite needy and wanting to be in control of the other person. That hasn't changed so that fault definitely lies with me, maybe therapy will get to the bottom of that and I can start being me and not needing a relationship to complete me and make me feel whole.

Newlook3

Ok so I should block his number, it's like I am a gluten for punishment. He texted about a bill that he still pays for the house, a bill that I need to sort into my name. What followed was him slating me for how I never showed my love for him, that I cared only about my daughter, to get over it etc etc. To him it's been rubbish for ages and he has got the b***s to finish it doing everyone a favour and he's sure I can meet Prince Charming. It's like I don't even know him now, the change in him in the last month is unbelievable, it has gone from sorry, I don't know what to do or say, to 'hope you find a lap dog who comes home sober and you can give them a hug when they come through the door' he is so angry and full of hatred and I don't know why. I don't want to get back with him but I don't understand why the anger if he is getting what he wants also.
Does anyone have experience of this? Is it typical alcoholic behaviour or is it just someone out of love? My ex husband had an affair and yet be remained civil to each other and to this day still do. I'm very confused.

SparkleKitty

Alcoholic behavior doesn't follow non-alcoholic logic, and trying to make sense of it will make you nuts. Neither you nor your daughter need this brand of crazy in your life.

Newlook3

Well the text messages that I received only served to upset me again, sleep was broken again as I convince myself that all this has happened because of a third party. Why would you be so nasty and angry if you wanted out and you are now. Is it because he knows I'm not coping very well and he doesn't want the guilt of it on his shoulders. He hasn't asked once about his dog, he hasn't been in contact with his closest family member to ask about his uncle who has a brain tumor, it's like he has shut down to everyone, turned against everyone yet made me feel like everything is my fault.
If I had a fuller life maybe this wouldn't be hurting me so much, my daughter is nearly grown and spends time out and away with friends. My friends all have families so are busy doing that stuff most of the time, my sister lives away, I just see a lonely, empty life ahead of me. I am due back to work next week and I can't face it, I don't really want to go out or bump into people. I don't know how to snap out of this, it's all consuming and is scaring me a little, I have never felt like this before.

Crazed

As painful as it is, the suggestion to go no contact is a good one. I struggle (and fail) with it. The texts are only causing you pain and keeping you stuck.

Also, no contact doesn't mean "I just won't read the text messages." Even KNOWING that he DID or DID NOT text will continue to cause pain. Can you block him? For me it is as easy as logging into my service provider account, and entering the phone numbers I don't want any possibility if contacting me.

Crazed

I wish I could take my own advice, as I am in a pretty similar situation. Depressed, lonely, not sleeping, and beating myself up constantly for the failure of the relationship and my contribution to it.

One thing that helps me is to KNOW that eventually the relationship would have failed anyways due to the alcoholism and the terrible behaviors that come with it. Even if I was a perfect partner. Alcoholics active in their disease cannot be good partners, and cannot meet the emotional needs necessary for a healthy relationship.

The serenity prayer has become my mantra. I say it often in my head. I have cried myself to sleep many nights in the last 6 months. Repeating it over and over in my head has helped me get back to sleep. Especially the part about "to accept the things I cannot control."

Newlook3

Thanks crazed, I know the relationship was not all good, I know the part I played in it aswell but I just feel so lonely without him. He says I should've shown more love towards him and maybe I should've but I also know that whilst he treated me well in many respects I could never really relax around him. I still loved him so much though and enjoyed most of our time together. To hear him so cold, angry and dismissive now makes me feel totally rejected and I don't know how to move on from this. It's a struggle to just get out of bed in the mornings, god knows how I am going to cope with getting back to work.

Crazed

Work can be a good thing. A distraction to throw your mind into.

LexieCat

What he says to you (or has said to you) has ZERO relationship to reality. Alcoholics suffer from brain damage. Seriously--look it up. Add that into the usual alcoholic denial, blame-shifting, manipulation and guilt-tripping, and you will see that what HE says about what went wrong in your relationship has about as much credibility as the opinion you might get from a drunk stranger on a park bench.

Quit looking at things through his beer goggles. Open your eyes, and work on seeing things as they REALLY are. Al-Anon can help a lot with that.

dandylion

Dear Newlook3, you are experiencing grief and depression. I know that you are in the process of being seen for the depression by professionals--which is good.

Remember that you were in a toxic and abusive relationship and it did damage to you. The relationship is over. Now, you have no choice but to go through the grieving process. Don't panic because of the pain. The pain is a good sign--because it is the beginning of the healing process. It will pass--but not overnight.

It is said that the acute pain of grief takes about (on average) 6wks. to level out. Meaning that yo can go about functioning without being racked with pain every waking hour. The pain will grow less and less with more time and distance. Time and distance.

Right now, you need to make a decision that you are going to get through this a day at a time. Accept that you will experience sadness and crying at some moments---but that it is normal and realize that it won't kill you---it is a part of the healing process that we all have to go through at some times in our life. I did--and I got through it.

The things that help both grief and depression are having a structured day and physical exercise of some sort. Plan out every hour if you have to. Plan little mini-goals if you have to. Getting to work is a good goal each day. Go for walks until you get tired is one way of doing it.

Regular mealtimes and regular sleep hours are important. You may have to push yourself to do these things. Be like Nike. Just do it.

Support here on SR is good. You are seeking therapy--VERY GOOD. Will you consider going to alanon? Face to face support from those who un derstand is like gold at a time like this.

You are stronger than you think. We all are--LOL. You are going to live through this and you will feel better---just not al overnight!!!

dandylion

Newlook3

Thank you for the support, I know the depression is clouding my mood and outlook. Everything seems so gloomy at the moment, and I am trying not to look too far into the future because that's when I feel worse, thinking of my daughter going off to university and being left here alone with no company. Again I question why my daughters presence was such an issue to him when he has done 13 years and she will be leaving home next year. Not that his view of her was acceptable but it's just that when it was the two of us things were normally good. I don't want to think like that as I don't want to harbour bad feelings towards my daughter, it was his issue and he should've dealt with it like an adult. None of it makes sense and I know it never will, just want to stop thinking about it over and over because for whatever reason he is clearly not thinking one bit about me. I want to get angry, I want to know if there is a 3rd party so I can get angry and move on slowly, like this I keep excusing his behaviour. It's so frustrating!!!!!!

Newlook3

Well awake at 5am again, haven't cried for a few days, just cant concentrate or focus. I don't know if i even miss him or the life i had planned with him. He stated previously that he is just getting on with things as he was before as we had started seeing each other less recently due to his dislike of my daughters presence. I wish i had a fuller life, for years i have worked, taken care of my daughter, the house and him. My friends i meet sporadically, my family is tiny, i don't have much spare money and don't drive far due to lack of confidence, he did all the driving. I don't see anything to look forward to, my life was boring before i met him and will be boring from now on. I don't know if in even suffering from grief, i miss the cuddles and support, i don't like being alone to cope with life. I read many of the posts and realise that he wasn't as bad as many of your exAs, he never missed work, didn't drink drive, didn't pass out etc etc, he just liked a beer as he said. Was i too harsh with his drinking, maybe. The mood swings and conflict with my daughter was more of a problem, i would be glad of the change in atmosphere when he did go to the pub for a couple of hours! Sorry to ramble, helps me go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

EverHopeful721

Newlook, it doesn't matter if he doesn't seem as bad as other people's exes, or whether he never missed work, didn't pass out, etc. What matters is that for some reason, this guy had a very unreasonable reaction to you spending time with your daughter. THAT should be reason enough to realize that he obviously is not the right guy for you, as most rational men would not have a problem with your daughter or be jealous of you spending time with her. That is behavior you would expect from a jealous child, not a full-grown man.

fedup3

Newlook, there was time I felt the same as you. I was married 39 yrs. so every fear you are talking about I had also when I divorced him. He did all the driving so I went out and got a GPS in my car and now I drive anywhere I want. All our friends were married and here I am, single, but I come and go as I please, eat what I want, see the movies I want and I don't have to answer to any other person on where I going or coming home! I would dread going out with my xah because once I saw that first drink in his hand my stomach would go into knots. My life revolved around him and he knew it, that was the way he liked it. It's hard putting down the dream of how life should have turned out, believe me I know and it's been 2 yrs since the divorce and sometimes I drift back to those thoughts but when I do I'm not living in the present which for you and me there is a lot of living out there for the two of US!

Newlook3

Thanks fedup3, I know what you say is correct. I hated going out when I was with him unless it was just me and him, I could relax then. In company I was always on edge, either that he would drink too much or that I would do something to 'upset' him which could be as simple as talking to someone else for a bit too long and him taking offence at that. If I went out with friends, which was rarely, I would be checking my mobile constantly and make sure I wasn't late, he would always be drunk when I got in. I think I could see when the relationship started ending from his point of view, he stopped texting me when I did have the odd night out, he didn't come home if he knew I was out, he would stay at camp and not bother contacting me.

He has come home less and less over the last few months. He even came down to where I live one weekend without telling me so he could go to his local. It may have been the need to drink but I think it's likely that the third party is based there as that's where he spent most of his time. He has used my daughter as an excuse to avoid being here but knowing him as I do he will have to have a 'reason' to leave the relationship, ie another woman, no doubt one who doesn't nag him about his drinking.

I am trying to focus on all the bad in the relationship and not the ideal man that my mind was creating skipping off into the sunset with a great new partner.

Newlook3

Sorry to post again, I'm getting twitchy and so want to contact him but know it will just upset me. He is so cold towards me now, last telling me 'to get over it'. 13 years of being in each others lives and he can forget and move on so easily with no real closure. I have stuff of his here, infact the house is just as it was when he was last here, although I did move some photos as they were too painful to look at, he hasn't said what to do with his things, I'm guessing he doesn't want them. For some reason he can't even face seeing me and I don't understand why. We have both agreed that things had gone downhill and he wanted out as much as me if not more it seems. I am just struggling with how he can completely cut off as though I was no one to him.
I want to feel badly towards him but I don't. This is so hard.