dandylion

WOW. crazed--you are making progress.

dandylion

Crazed

Except for me calling her this week! I always positioned myself as the tough guy: "If you drink again, you are out...." I never really contemplated how much I would miss her if she was gone. I also never really understood how much I may have been contributing. I just wished she could have gotten sober, and we could have skipped happily over the rainbow.

But thanks!

LexieCat

Saying you don't feel any better on Day 2 of no contact is like the alcoholic saying he doesn't feel any better of Day 2 of not drinking. It isn't that the "no contact" or "not drinking" isn't WORKING, it is just that it takes time to see the results.

If you were dieting, and had to lose 60 pounds, you wouldn't be able to complain after two days that the diet wasn't "working". Change takes time. Big changes take more time than small ones. You have to keep at it, and you have to work on your attitudes at the same time. That's where Al-Anon can help.

peacedove

crazed

today i've had to walk around saying out loud "this is not a reflection of you this is a reflection of him..." or "today may be hard but you've made it this far so keep going..." honestly--having to say things out loud for gosh sakes! sooooo, i am here to say it is just damn hard. period. i, too, wish things had been different and over the rainbow we could have gone. i bet we all did or do.
i am sorry you are going through this. i sure don't have any answers but i can tell you just keep going. i wish i could fast forward to next year or the year after just to take away the insanity of everything involved with how i feel from day to day to day. i keep thinking this will turn out to be a blessing. i don't know how. but it will.

each day is different--one day i feel ok--or two or three--then today whammo the heart hurts like crazy and i'm going "what??!!!! why??!!!"--thoughts will hit me of things he said or did and i literally have to stop myself and redirect my thinking immediately. because the things he said which hurt so deeply were the ones most confusing or BS like. the ones which were vague or "hooks" or "keep you hanging" statements or blame shifting or plain cunningly, roundabout, destabilizing things. i'll be ecstatic when these things do not come back to my mind. so i push them out for now when they hit me.
i swear, i have my soul, i have the very essence of me--he did not get that/he can not take that--and i will not let him or this keep me from laughing those belly laughs, being light hearted and so free feeling like i used to be. yes, i am telling myself this today, too.

oh, just try to remember who you were before this happened to you i guess is what i want to say.

Newlook3

Thanks for the support everyone, it really does help. Have had visits from 4 good friends today which helped also. Off to bed now and really hope I can get a good nights sleep, just so tired of thinking!

Newlook3

Well I know exactly where I stand now. Didn't sleep well again last night and turned my phone on at 4am to be met with 2 texts from him swearing at me for speaking to a family member of his (whom I have regularly spoken to in the past), asking why the f*** I had told them about us splitting up and that I was correct, we were done, leave me alone!!
Don't quite know what the big problem was or why he had to get so angry about it. It wasn't a secret that we had split, I assumed he would've told his family member and I don't see what was wrong with me speaking to them ( this conversation was before no contact, I just assume that they have spoken since) maybe the family member had a word about the fact that he was stringing me along, which he was, and told him to be straight with me. Just don't understand why being straight has to involve and angry swearing text sent at 1am, why could he not just be civil about it or even have a little compassion as he was aware how bad I was feeling. It's so hurtful that after 13 years together he just dismisses me and my feelings so easily and heartlessly.

Seren

Oh Newlook....I'm sorry you got the text bombs.

All your ex's swearing, complaining, and accusations are just active alcoholic blather. Once you learn to accept that, the better you will feel. It's all noise with no basis in reality. Who you speak to apart from your ex is none of his business--likewise, who he speaks to apart from you is none of your business.

I know it seems like such a drastic action, but you can stop the swearing and abusive and disturbing text messages if you will just block his number from your phone. It is just that easy, and just that hard.

I hope this day will get a bit better!

Newlook3

Thanks hydrogirl, I know I should block his number but I don't think I will here from him again. Now he has finally said it I think he will leave it at that, prior he was being ****** one day and then random the next, just stringing me along for whatever reason. Knowing him as I do, I think it is almost definite that he is seeing someone else but he wanted to keep me dangling or was possibly keeping some sort of contact out of guilt. At least I know that's that, not a pretty ending and no chance of us remaining friends, somehow I have ended up being the bad guy that made his life a misery with my boring personality ( that I didn't have before I got with him) and my nagging (which was true). Sadness has hit now, thinking about having no one to go cinema with, cuddle with and all the things that were good. He wasn't as bad as some and sometimes I doubt whether he just liked a drink at weekends or whether it was more than that. Oh well it's done now and can just take each day as it comes. Just feel empty and miserable. Don't even feel sorry or worried about him, just me.....

LexieCat

Hang in there. Glad you are not taking the texts to heart.

Keep the focus on YOU, and you will be feeling better before too long.

Tuffgirl

It does get better, trust those of us on the other side of the fence.

But it takes a while to mend a broken heart. Time is the most effective cure. A couple days is a drop in the bucket. I've been 'no contact' for a year. It was agony at first, while at the same time I knew it was the right thing to do. Talk about dissonance in my head!

Thing is - over time I began to feel so much BETTER! The chaos and stress gone, the fear, the confusion, the hurt...over time it began to hurt less and less until one day I woke up and found I was attracted to other men and laughing all the time again. Kind of caught me by surprise. But life really does go on....

Newlook3

No contact is maintained, have come to conclusion that he doesn't want me and although he blames me for not loving him I know it's the other way round. Slept rubbish again last night, have dark circles and look awful, don't think my self confidence could get any lower. Last nights thought process has turned inwards, have started thinking about what he said about me and who I have become and have realised that he is correct. I am boring, I stopped having fun probably years ago, always on edge around his drinking as I was always fearful of the next outburst, what actually happened is that the more sober I became, the more miserable he saw me as, when we drank together in the early days most of the times were fun. The outbursts seemed to happen when I had been out with friends and he had been drinking alone, that's when the name calling started, that's when I stopped going out, became miserable and no fun. His drinking had cut back a lot over the recent years but I never regained that fun, never enjoyed myself with friends, scared of an outburst that may never have come. I retreated into myself and I realise now that I'm not the person he fell in love with, that much is true.
How do I regain that person? He is right, it's not all his fault, he accepts that he was bad but has changed, it was me that never let go of the behaviour. I am left with no confidence, almost to the point of anxiety, I can see that now. This last week has been awful, the worst I can ever remember. Not only grieving for the man I loved but also for the person I once was. I always thought I was strong and together. Always stood up to his rages, didn't back down, discussed them and moved on. But I didn't move on did I, I allowed each comment etc to eat away at the person I was bit by bit. I centred my life on keeping him happy but I see now that by becoming less of a person I actually drove him away.

LexieCat

OK, believe it or not, this is good news. When you start finding places where you contributed to your problems (I'm not talking about problems in the relationship as much as I am the problems in the way that you feel), THEN you have something to work with!

These painful discoveries are actually the basis for regaining our freedom and becoming who we want to be. Because we can't change other people, or many situations, but we CAN change ourselves. You didn't become the person you are right now overnight, and you won't change it overnight, either. But little by little you can find yourself again and start making your life look the way you want it to look.

Hugs, I know you don't feel better--YET--but I think you made a breakthrough.

Newlook3

I am so confused today and cannot make sense of my thoughts. I stayed with my sister last night, who has lived alone since a messy divorce and she is happy that way. She says her life is very calm, no major ups but no major downs either. She works full time, goes to the gym and has the odd night out but spends most of her weekends alone and is happy. I cannot think of anything worse. I loved cuddles and company at the weekend especially, the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is more depressing than the relationship I had which for the most part was good but strained because I couldn't let go of past behaviours on his part. I over reacted to him coming back from the pub 10 mins late just because I was anxious that he would be in a bad way and even when he wasn't I still had to moan about it. I know it is early days but I just want to know how he is, I miss him and want to know if he misses me. I doubt he does because looking back I didn't add much to his life apart from grief. I know I will never meet anyone else because I have no confidence in my looks anymore, I have aged alot and like he said I am boring but to live like my sister doesn't appeal either.

LexieCat

Oh, please.

You do NOT have to be alone for the rest of your life. If your sister is happy that way, great. You don't have to love being alone, and I am a hundred percent sure that once you have worked all this through, if you want to meet someone to share your life with, you can and will.

You are seriously down on yourself right now, and that is one of the things you will need to work on. Rome wasn't built in a day. You can't judge what the rest of your life will be like based on how you are feeling right this minute.

Why do you want to get back together with someone who said you were "boring"? (Which, incidentally, is a reflection on him, not you.) Trust me, there are men out there who do not have the same definition of "boring" or "interesting"--alcoholics tend to find anyone/anything that gets in the way of their drinking either boring or annoying.

In recovery, you will regain confidence in yourself. It takes time.

Meanwhile, NO good can come of contacting him. Whether he is doing great or feeling terrible, whether he misses you or doesn't miss you, it isn't going to help you to get better, or even to feel better.

Make it through another day. Have you been to Al-Anon yet? If not, what are you waiting for?

dandylion

Dear Newlook3, I STRONGLY urge you to get to an alanon meeting. I believe that, in addition to the expected grief that accompanies a relationship break-up, you are exhibiting many signs of a person who has lived in an abusive relationship.

It is essential that you get more support if you want this misery to come to an end, in my opinion. A therapist or an abuse counselor would be of great support for you, also.

Millions of women have been in your same shoes, and (with help) move beyond the pain and trauma to very happy and fulfilling lives. My Dear, you will have to become proactive for yourself---take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Otherwise, you will remain stuck in the victim role. You know, many people live in abuse and never really realize it until they move beyond it.

I am talking to you like a stern mother, I know....but, I care enough about you to want to help you. As do all the others on the board.

Please, take some action. DO hang around and keep posting us as to how it is going for you.

One day at a time.

sincerely, dandylion

Newlook3

Thank you for the replies. Yes I think the relationship was probably abusive, although he would deny that, as he loved me so very much. I have got an appointment with a counsellor on Tuesday to carry out an assessment to see if I would benefit from therapy. I knew something was wrong, I got divorced and handled it much better than I am this time round so that's why I took myself to the doctor for antidepressants and then did a self referral for counselling. I know my confidence is really low, I've even taken time off work which I didn't during my divorce. It's like I cannot face anyone at the moment. I think it's worse this time round as I don't really know what or who caused the break up. With my divorce, he cheated and I kicked him out, simple. This time it was a row over extended drinking time, sorrys that for once I didn't accept then lots of abuse and blame and suddenly I was in the wrong for everything so the confusion is overwhelming. I'm hoping that as my pills kick in and I can get the therapy that I will begin to be stronger. He hasn't been in contact, as I think this was his extremely long winded and painful way of ending the relationship. I just need to move forward as he appears to have done.

dandylion

Good for you, Newlook--you went for help and have appointment for counseling, already. That is a very positive step forward for yourself. Congratulate yourself for every positive step that you take!!!

Hon, alcoholism is a vicious and cruel disease that seeks to destroy every relationship and every person that it touches in it's path. This includes co-dependents.

You will be feeling better as time goes on. I promise!

dandylion

cr995

So so true.
Today this is the one statement that actually makes sense to me.

That being said it does not make it any easier to deal with. But yes it is a very very cruel disease and trying to put yourself back together again is a marathon task. Sometimes I give up and do nothing but I'm told even this surrender is a positive thing.

Newlook3

Another day today. Again sleep was broken. I found out last night after a call from his family member that he had sent a text to her asking if I had been in contact with her, she had said yes and that I had said we had split but hadn't given any details. He had replied, ok and then that is when I received the nasty text (after requesting no contact) asking me why the f*** I was telling his family, and yes I was correct, we were done and to leave him alone!! I don't understand why he is so angry with me. I believe he wanted out for sometime so why would it matter that I had told a family member of his that we had split up? I know you will all say what does it matter, but half the reason I am so confused is that I really don't understand what happened at the end of our relationship. He suddenly turned into someone I didn't know, really cold and angry with me when it was him who had a list of complaints about me, things he was unhappy with. All I had said is I didn't like the person he was when he drank, no other complaints as he always looked after me well. If he wanted out why turn on me and blame me for everything, why rant at me one day then ask if I miss him the next. Is that alcoholic behaviour or is it the depression he was suffering?

LexieCat

You're right, I'd say it doesn't matter. Alcohol and depression go together--alcohol is a depressant. Some people stop being depressed after a period of sobriety and recovery. Often it's chicken and egg as to which came first.

Either way, there is no logic to the thinking, and you will hurt your head trying to make sense of it.