Struggling with no contact...
 

I know no contact is the way to go but it is so hard. We have been together for 13 years but not lived together and he has always drunk and yes the relationship has been plagued with drunken rows, mood swings etc all the 'normal' stuff. Before Xmas he called me boring with no personality and has never said anything like that before and that hurt. Since then we have only really met up for 'dates' which have gone well and he had cut back on his drinking and been referred to a mental health nurse for depression as he had been feeling suicidal. We had a big bust up for few weeks ago and initially he did the sorry etc but things have changed and I'm confused. He has now blamed the problems in our relationship on me, I give my daughter too much attention, I don't 'show' him I love him enough (sex) and he feels that I haven't loved him for a long time. I have asked him if he loves me and he has avoided answering that question but continues to keep in contact via text but with no commitment to either ending it properly or trying to work things out.
I don't know if he is seeing someone else but wants to keep me hanging on as some kind of fall back? I know I should just forget him and move on, accept that he doesn't love me after all I have put up with but after 13 years and thinking my future was with this man I feel so empty and heartbroken. I seem to be hurting and he seems to have forgotten all about me. How do you just forget someone that you spent 13 years of your life with. How has he moved on so easily and why won't he just tell me he doesn't love me?
I know no contact is the way to go but I have had contact with him for 13 years on a daily basis and without it I feel like my world has ended.
I don't know if he is keeping contact out of guilt, he even said that maybe when I'm feeling better ( I've just started on antidepressants) maybe we could try dating again. All he has said lately is I know where he is if I want him and by that I think he means for sex. I feel so worthless and I know I should just move on and forget him but I don't know how and I don't want to!!!!

sad. I can relate to your feeling. You will probably go no contact when you hit your bottom--- plain exahustion.

I'm struglling with that too. It's becoming unhealthy. For me it's 4 years. But you have 13 years invested.

I'm almost 14 years in and two small children. I recognize all of your thoughts and feelings. I completely get it. But, I think ruthhoney is right. You will hit a place where you are too exhausted to hold on to the dream of something that isn't real. With all gentleness, the question is not how can you let go of something you've had for 13 years, but rather, do you really want to spend the next 13 years in this sort of pain? This man does not meet your needs. Nothing you do is going to change that. It may be devastating that he does not care, but he doesn't. He cares about alcohol. Nothing you can do will change that.

I hope you keep reading and posting. You can survive this. You can move on and you can have a life that is so much better.

I know, just feels such a waste now, I did/do really love him, I wish I didn't and could hate him because I know he is playing me for a fool now. I know I have to go no contact because this is just driving me insane but he seems to be thriving on me spilling my heart out and him doing the silent treatment. I don't understand why he has to continue to hurt me, just be honest, say he doesn't love me and let me grieve properly. It's like he wants to punish me for something that I haven't even done!

NONE of that is "normal" or healthy.

I mean this in the kindest way – 13 years of dating is not normal, no progression. Relationships progress or they just stand still then die.

This is a man who drinks has mood swings, blames you, wants his needs met before your daughters, is probably seeing someone else and you are putting YOUR all and EVERYTHING into this stand still going no where relationship.

What is lacking in you that accepting all of this from a man……would make you feel any better?

He can’t even tell you he loves you YET you are holding on that he might come back.

Haven’t you wasted a precious 13 years of your life on him? Why waste any more. Work on YOU and YOUR issues, figure out why anything he’s said and done to you is/would be alright.

The house is on fire and you are out……….why run back in? There’s nothing worth your life waiting for you in there.

I agree with everything you say, I know he isn't giving me what I need. I don't know what is lacking in me, I feel like everything at the moment. I want to work on me but I don't even know where to start. I know I sound pathetic and yet I used to be quite strong, although I do recognise that I always wanted him to 'look after me' and now I feel abandoned and useless. I didn't mean normal as in a normal healthy relationship, I meant normal as in with an A. I don't even know why I love him so much...but he did look after me well but was jealous of my relationship with my daughter and that caused me a lot of heartache. I guess I just wanted us to be a family but he obviously doesn't want that so I know I have to go no contact because if I don't he is clearly going to keep just enough contact to know that I am there for him if he wants me. It's likely that he will send a text in the morning ( none now as he will be drinking) and I worry that if I don't reply he will become abusive and start with the whole you don't love me etc. I want him to know I care as he is depressed but I don't want him just using me any longer.

You have a choice, stand by and wait for his abuse or block his # and be done with him, move on with your life.

Why is it so important to you for him to know you care? Wouldn’t 13 years of you being there taking his crap have already shown him that?

With all due respect, newlook, I don't think this ^^^ really is the case here. You seem to be waiting for the right words as hope for some kind of closure, yet his actions already show you he is not interested in a relationship with you right now. Doesn't matter why. Having him say specific things to you doesn't change the fact that this is what it is.

You can grieve properly without his input. You can do whatever you want here, because that's within your control.

And lastly, you can go no contact. Your world won't end. Life will continue on as it was yesterday, only you are choosing to separate yourself from a major source of emotional pain. And over time, the pain gets less and less, and the good times get better and better. The trick is allowing yourself to go through this, instead of trying to avoid it.

Peace,
~T

You are right, I know he doesn't want to be with me, that is obvious. Guess it just hurts as I put up with so much and struggle with the fact that he clearly doesn't care. I haven't got a very interesting life, and we did do nice things together, now all those things have been taken away. All my friends are in relationships so that feels more exclusion, the last time I was single I had friends that were in the same boat. I want to be happy but I just don't think I will be. I know I'm very low at the moment so that doesn't help but I don't know how to stop feeling low. Even work isn't a distraction, my mind just wanders all the time.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I was in a similiar situation with feeling the need for closure with my stbxah. I begged him to tell me he didn't love me so I could just let go. An alcoholic won't give you closure though because that would mean cutting the ties with someone they want to continue to use. The first step in no contact is the hardest. Every day after you will grow a little stronger and it becomes easier with time.

i dont have an interesting life either...AND I LIKE IT LIKE THAT

things are taken away(and dysfunctional) because HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC and is sick and i forgot...they love to take hostages DOWN with them.....this is it...this is YOUR LIFE with an alcoholic....

BE HAPPY period...this is YOUR LIFE...no one elses, you make your own happiness...no man should EVER do that for you

yes you are low at this moment "this too shall pass"

please read Melody Beatties "codependent no more" you will get so much relief in that book...

i have me and my 2 babies..lol 12 and 10...and life is quiet and good...enough for me to really smell the roses...I love my life now...taken along time to get here, but with my 12 step recovery it would have been "more dysfunctional" in my life...and of course SR has helped so much....

take your independence back...your worth it!

Take care of you, he will NOT.
 

You are going to continue to get abused, and used and belittled because you continue to allow it.
Go NO contact.

The only person who can take away the fun things in your life is you.

Do you believe an emotionally mature man would be jealous of a mother's relationship with her child?

A grown man who is aware he is depressed will go to a doctor and get treatment. An alcoholic who knows he has a problem that is destroying his life, the life of the woman he loves and her daughter, goes to treatment.

What signs has he shown you that he is a grown man?

How old is your daughter? she is watching you two and learning how to have a relationship. Every put down, every fight, every swear word, all of it carefully stored away in her mind.
Would you want this for your daughter?
Someone who can't even say "I love you.", but wants more sex.

You know, Dr. Phil has a lot of silly quips and little blurbs, but this one is so true......

The only thing worse than a 13 year miserable relationship, is 13 years and one day.

No contact. Go to AlAnon. Remember, your daughter is watching.
When those antidepressants kick in, I hope the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about him lifts and you will see clearly how bad this man is for you.
He is disrespectful of you, he dislikes and distrusts the relationship you have with your daughter.

Be open to happiness and fun. Find things to do for yourself or your daughter, keep moving, look for support (Al-Anon is my choice).
Live your life. Turn off the phone.

He is not the one. Take care of you. You are the only one who can do that.

Beth

PS I want to give credit to Tryingtoletgo for the top quote in red. It was so important I wanted to repeat it and make it big and red. :)

You are quite frankly addicted to him. I know, I was and probably still am in some way addicted to my AH. It really has nothing to do with him, but with you. Any rational healthy person could see, yeah, he's mean and kinda a loser, but to those of us addicted to our drama exes, it's translated to the greatest love story of all time.

The greatest love story of all time doesn't include verbal abuse, abandonment, manipulation, alcoholism, co-dependency...so on and so forth. True love doesn't hurt. Period. It lift YOU up and helps you to become the best that YOU can be. It doesn't want you to shrink so you can prop someone else up. It wants two equal, healthy partners.

A book that I am reading right now, "How to break your addiction to a person" is very enlightening. I couldn't understand why I still loved and mourned someone so so much when my head was like, Owathu, girl, snap out of it. Also, I know a lot of people might not believe in these soul mate things, but I read a really interesting article about Karmic Relationships, and wow, on the spot. Every detail from our first meeting to our eventual downfall. All of it. In black and white.

I will use any tool out there to finally once and for all break my addiction to this very sick man. I still love him, and I still want to see him healthy, but I don't think I want him in my life anymore. It's no longer worth it to me.

^^^^^THIS. You nailed it EXACTLY, Owathu - thank you!!

From what I read he will always have an empty spot for his addiction and you alone will never be able to fill it, and that is not on your shoulders. It is up to him to get better with himself. In the mean while, move on and have a great life:)

Yup, addiction to the alcoholic looks a whole lot like the alcoholic's addiction to booze. Completely irrational, baffling to third parties, continuing to crave the relationship no matter how much it hurts us, can't live without the relationship even though it's destroying us. It feels like a physical NEED, just the way the obsession to drink does. Denial of how bad it is. You name it.

Probably easier on the liver, though--that's about the only difference. Oh, and the brain damage isn't permanent. At least not if we work at our recovery.

^^^^^YES!! Another one I completely identify with - hits the nail on the head!!

None of my family and friends can understand why I can't get over this guy and move on. They don't understand why I didn't automatically hate him after what he did, why I didn't wish him dead, want revenge on him, etc....and they ESPECIALLY don't understand how I can say I still love him, why I still think about him so much or how I could ever consider going back to him. (Come on, he's an emotionally unavailable bad boy covered in tattoos who came from a completely dysfunctional family of alkies/addicts and who had a bad childhood, who has been using cocaine, weed and alcohol for the last 25 years so he wouldn't have to deal with his feelings about everything bad that happened in his past....he's a codie's DREAM GUY!!! I fell so hard and so fast for him, I didn't even know what hit me!!!) And yes, I was always denying that there was just something that didn't feel right, making excuses for his behavior to my family/friends and most importantly, to myself.

Thank you for posting this, LexieCat!!

Being in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic often our worlds become small and isolated. The main event in the relationship becomes the booze or drugs and everything and everyone revolve around that.

They drink it, snort it, smoke it or take it and we focus on removing that main event in hopes that then we’ll have that relationship we dream of. Hoping that those few good times turn in to all good times……it really never happens like that. If they chose recovery it’s a long never ending road where yet again we become second and they will always be one bad decision away from relapse.

Maybe now is the time to work on your relationship with your daughter. Put all that focus on her, I’m sure there may be some re-building that needs to be done.

Take a class, join a volunteer group, a church group, travel do anything that does not involve dating or trying to start a new relationship. You need to do some work on you before you can even think of going down that road right now.

You have to realize alcohol is an alcoholic’s trigger. Drugs are a drug addicts trigger and a codependents trigger are relationships.

Thank you for all the replies and advice. Today is a new day, didn't sleep well but will try to be stronger today. I am clear that he no longer loves me, that will take some getting used to, for a long time i always felt secure in the knowledge that he did actually love me. Now i fear him getting well, as he seemed focussed on that but allowed his need to get out of the relationship to hinder his recovery. Maybe now, away from me he will get well...that hurts, the thought of someone else getting the good guy, or maybe i am kidding myself. Perhaps with no contact eventually i wont be wondering about that. When you feel this low you just want a hug from the one person that wont give it to you. Off to work shortly, then will have a nice evening with my daughter, i carry alot of guilt there too....

Well survived another day but did have contact, however, strangely I feel some sort of closure now. He stated today that he cannot cope with being second best to my daughter and also that I apparently wanted to turn him into some boring old t***er that sits in watching rubbish tv and that's not him. That is true to a point, I did stop going out as he was difficult sometimes but to be fair we hadn't attempted going out in company for so very long due to issues many years ago so I take that criticism.
I still feel empty inside because despite all the issues I did still see my future with him. I know he is drinking more heavily at the moment and blaming me for everything. Some of his points are valid but I also know that if he cannot cope with my relationship with my daughter that is something that cannot be overcome. His own mother is an A and they have no relationship at all so I know where the issue comes from but as he won't address it it cannot continue to be my problem.
I will not contact him again, there really is nothing more that I have to say. Now he has stopped saying I didn't love him and has actually admitted all the things he didn't like about me and our relationship I feel that everything has been said.
I just want to feel strong again, and as a previous poster said all I am doing is prolonging the inevitable.