fourmaggie

alot of people are so addicted to the choatic life that is surrending them..so they dont have to DEAL

well said OWATHU

Newlook3

I guess so. I know it will take time, I didn't realise I was as mixed up as I was until this last couple of weeks. It will take time to feel happy again and to stop feeling lonely. I need to focus on the things that were bad. It's hard because when we were just the two of us we got on great, he has issues with my relationship with my daughter and even he cannot explain why he feels like that, he says he cannot cope with being second best so as you can imagine that caused a lot of friction. When she was younger they got on great so I don't know why the resentment has grown, only he will know that and as he won't address that I know there is no way back. It may just be an excuse as he knows if push comes to shove I will chose my daughter.

Newlook3

When will i be able to sleep??? I keep waking up in the middle of the night and start stressing over every little thing. How will i manage the DIY, what will i do when my car breaks down, an appliance breaks, he did everything like that and saved me a fortune, i don't have much spare cash, everything is going to go wrong and stay wrong. All i did was nag him about everything and harp on about issues in the past. He will go and have a great life and i will be here on my own with nothing working!!!!! How will i cope?

LexieCat

You will ask your friends and neighbors for recommendations for good mechanics, handymen, repair people. I joined Angie's List, which gives great reviews of local tradespeople.

You are catastrophizing. Has every woman who has broken up or had a partner die or become ill collapsed helplessly for the rest of her life? Of course not. It is much, much better to KNOW how to handle these situations on your own, even if someone is able to do them for you. You will learn. I had the same kinds of fears, but guess what. When my car broke down I got it fixed. When my appliances broke I found someone to fix them (and I even did a little research online and learned to fix some of them myself).

You will start to sleep when you start letting go. Or when you get tired enough.

Trust me, you will learn to cope. I promise. Cross my heart.

CarryOn

As LexieCat said, you will figure out how to do these things or ask for help from others to accomplish them. I have recently repaired my dryer (it had been functioning improperly for several months but AH wouldn't do it), replaced a fence post, replaced the plastic wire-thing in the trimmer, painted, etc. Stuff I wouldn't normally do, but they need to get done, so I do it!! I reviewed our finances, am being careful about my needs vs. wants, and cut back on some of the extras so I can save a little extra for the inevitable rainy day.

And you're worrying about things that haven't or may not happen. I have anxiety too...I keep reminding myself that I should only deal with what is actually happening now or that I can reasonably plan for...not what may or may not even happen. Serenity prayer, serenity prayer, serenity prayer.

These things help with the taking care of me. I feel so accomplished as I do each of these things, and with having to be self-reliant I am more comfortable in my space and am exhausted. The sleep comes with self care.

Take care of you and your daughter along with what is happening in the here and now. Let go of him and the unknown. We're all works in progress, you have support here too!!

Newlook3

I know i am worrying about things that haven't even happened, i have always been that way. I am sad also that some of his reasons for not being with me now are true but that he caused me to be the way i am by being the way he was. He was controlling and moody so i withdrew, stopped going out, became boring and now these are the things that he finds unacceptable in the relationship.
I don't even know where to start in getting myself better or even if i ever will. I have today made a self referral for a counsellor and they will be doing an assessment next week, i don't even know if that will help?
In the meantime he is stopping his antidepressants and getting on with life with no thought or understanding of what he actually put me through. How do you let go of that bitterness. I just feel he has taken all that was good in me, used it and discarded me now im just a shell of who i was.

Seren

Good morning, newlook!

When I went through the divorce with my ex-husband I would wake up in the middle of the night worrying about every little thing and how on earth was I going to deal with it all!! But you know what--I learned. It was scary at first, but after the first repair I had to deal with on my own, I was fine!

I was fine because dealing with it on my own taught me I could!! I think in time you will learn that you are far more capable and competent and resourceful than you realize now

Newlook3

It's not just the coping with things that I am down about. It's the fact that he has a built in social life with the forces, he is never alone if he chooses not to be, there is always someone to go out with, go away with, just spend time with. He seems perfectly happy to just go on his way, no longer suicidal now he is out of the relationship and I feel I've just been left in a big hole. I have friends but they are in relationships so aren't just available at the drop of a hat, my daughter is 17 so is out and about with her friends and I just don't see any future for me apart from working and coming back to an empty house and empty bed. I'm jealous of the life he can have and know that I'm not a part of it. Why would he miss me anyway, I didn't really bring anything to his life apart from nagging. Sorry to whine, just on a real downer at the moment.

Tryingtoletgo3

Stop worrying about what he has, who he is with, what he is doing....
Put that worry and thought into yourself. Join a club, take a class, hell just get out and go for a walk if it helps. Find things that make you happy and keep you occupied. Constantly obsessing over him will do nothing but drive you crazy and if he is a typical A, knowing you are unhappy or struggling is something he will thrive on. I am a huge fan of William Glasser. He has written several books, but my fave is Choice Therapy. He believes that we choose certain things for our life and so they should be labeled actively. Depression for example. Glasser would say instead that we choose to depress. The beauty of this, is that we can choose not to depress. We can choose to live and not just by getting through, but by putting a smile on our faces, letting go of the negatives and LIVING our lives.... I have seen on this forum so many times, "Let go or be dragged." LET GO! At this point, it seems like you are dragging yourself. The only thing we can control in life, is ourself....
When life throws a curveball we have the choice to stumble and become stuck or duck and move in a different direction. Find your direction and dont let your XA keep you stuck any longer.

Newlook3

Well it appears that now he's out of the relationship he's no longer feeling the need to drink so much, sorting himself out etc etc, pity he couldn't do that in any of the 13 years I wasted on him. Now all he's done is insult me and name call and taken no responsibility for the harm he has done. He really doesn't see that it was as devastating as it was. And of course I'm looking back and can only see the good times.

Newlook3

Well first day of no contact completed, can't say I found it easy, still woke at 4am with everything running through my head. Just want to feel normal again, still can't eat and have lost over a stone in a month. I don't want to feel like this but I don't know how to stop it. Just accepting that the man who I thought loved me and would be there for me has probably been out of love for sometime is just really difficult to deal with. His drinking always concerned me but I never considered that he didn't love me. Some of the things he has said over the last few weeks has convinced me of that. I feel like he has destroyed me and has just left me to it, to pick up the pieces of my life with no acceptance of the damage he has done and that is hard to deal with. I'm hoping that if I can start counselling that will help me come to terms with that, guess I just want a quick fix. I always thought he was the one with the issues but as he seems together and looking forward to his future without me in it it appears he has dealt with his problems....

LexieCat

Nothing is a quick fix, sweetie.

He hasn't destroyed you, his actions have hurt your feelings and made you question your own worth. You are still you, and his actions are not a measure of your worth.

You CAN heal from this and have a happy life. Lots and lots of us have done it. We are no better, smarter, more capable than you are. It takes time, and it takes practice.

Good going on your first day. On to the second. You can DO this!

Crazed

Newlook3- I can so relate to EVERYTHING you are talking about. I, like you, was in for 13 years. I wanted "closure." I wanted a nice face-to-face adult conversation where two human beings come up with a solution, even if that solution was her looking me in the face and saying "I don't love you any more." Even an "I hate you," would be better. Not a text. Not a phone call. But an adult conversation.

I am a very indecesive person, and from what I have seen, alcoholics seem to put the stress of ending a relationship into OUR hands- the codependents. What a recipe for disaster.

And by the way, you can be assured that his life has most likely not become so much better since you are apart. Seriously, who takes a picture of cokes to prove he is not drinking as much? That is something a manipulating alcoholic would do.

Newlook3

Thank you for the support, it means a lot. I can't shake off the feeling that he is seeing someone else, it all sort of adds up but the fact that he is still trying to portray the hard done by victim and retain his nice guy facade makes me so angry. I know I should let it go, let the new one deal with his jealousy and mood swings etc but it eats away at me. I am day 2 of no contact and the one thing that is making me stick to it is the thought of him with someone else, I have put up with so much of his crap over the years that I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing that I am hurting now. It's just like a kick in the guts after putting up with so much and still loving him.

cr995

I had to laugh when I read your post, not at you but at him!!! What a lot of quacking he's done!!

I was on this merry go round for 27 years and getting off it is really hard so I can identify with all your feelings. The things they say are so off the wall sometimes. I remember being at a really nice bbq with my STBXAH when he said he wanted us to leave to visit his 'friend' who had torchured his poor wife with a new 'skank' gf until she committed suicide. I balked at the idea of wanting to go and spend time with this 'friend' and skank gf - when I asked why he wanted to leave he said he was "bored and the company was too one-dimensional"!!

I still don't know what that means today, but I have recognized that after a while of NC I feel much better, then the craving hits - I break it and feel like c***! So now I ask myself as soon as I am about to break NC - how did you feel last time you did this and do you want to feel like that again.?!

We really are sick wanting to be around anybody who treats us like this and if we keep doing it, we will never clear the way for the people who are going to treat us well which would feel so much nicer. You are def not alone.
Stay strong - One day at a time. (((Hugs)))

Crazed

I'll tell you exactly- during my time of weakness earlier in the week I called EXAGs room at rehab. Her roommate answered, and I wouldn't leave my name. Since I think I am the only one with the number, I was feeling like a fool. So I called back again yesterday. This time I left my name with roommate. I am silently hoping for a call back, which I don't believe will come. So how do I feel? Terrible, rejected, hurt, disappointed... You name it.

Would have suited me better to stay no contact.

peacedove

thank you all for posting your feelings and happenings. today is a hard day for me, too. haven't broken NC but needed to see and read what is happening with others along their journey. i feel for all of us. thankful for this forum for so many different reasons. sure wish the heart would stay out of things for each of us and only the brain would work at ALL times. stay strong everyone and keep taking those steps forward, forward, forward.

Newlook3

Day 2 but still don't feel any better. Keep asking why I am in this position, he caused a row, said sorry and just because I didn't back down straight away it has now turned into a position where he is telling me that he doesn't think the relationship can be saved. My whole thought process has been turned upside down as I guess if I didn't back down he would try harder to win me back, now I feel like the dumped one and I didn't even do anything wrong. I asked for no contact to try and get my head clear but that isn't helping. I want to talk to him, I want to understand how this has happened but I know I won't get the correct answers. All my friends think he is not stable and confused but they don't know him like I do and I know deep down this is what he wanted and its so hard to come to terms with.

dandylion

Newlook3, he is doing what alcoholics do. You will never be able to completely "figure it out". We often think (falsely), that if we can "figure them out"--then we can control it or fix it. You did not cause it; you can't control it; and you sure can't fix it.

Cry if you need to--because you are grieving. Then get busy doing something--anything--but do something. Staying busy is your friend, right now.

It will eventually get easier. You can and will work through this.

dandylion

Crazed

Maybe I think differently, but doesn't that statement just kill you!!! It is such a BS, gray statement with no substance. I see it as pure manipulation. That statement is so much more difficult than "IT IS OVER." At least for me, statements like this make me analyze/obsess over my contributions to the demise of the relationship, and want to work harder. "I didn't propose, I didn't want to have kids with her, I never got close enough to her kids, she never felt truly loved unconditionally by me..." And I tear myself up about it.

But I always need to go back to the basics. I KNEW SHE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. And now I realize the things that were always thrown in my face were not actually MY FAULTS. They were my REACTIONS, and my subconscious mechanism for self preservation.

It will get easier for you. I am not the blubbering mess I was months ago, but I do have my days that I get teary-eyed. Spending that much time with someone, you establish a lot of good times with the bad. And you do develop a deep bond with that person (albeit maybe a sick bond).