Tuffgirl

Find security in the fact that you love yourself.

Everything you say in these posts is all about him. His feelings, his behavior, his contribution to your life, sense of security in who you are, and your happiness.

What about you? Hell, putting your relationship with your daughter first is STRENGTH! You know its the right thing to do. And you are doing it. Big kudos there.

Walking away from an angry, bitter, blame-shifting alcoholic is STRENGTH! More kudos for you for recognizing there is nothing more you can do for this guy. And that he is preventing you from having fulfilling and meaningful relationships with other people.

You aren't losing anything here, except some serious chaos and drama. You are gaining a stronger sense of self, and believe me, when that happens, amazing things begin to happen in your life.

Keep on keepin on. You are on the right path.
Peace,
~T

atalose

Two of the best things I heard you say:

1) You will have a nice evening with your daughter and that you will work through guilt you have regarding her.

2) You feel some sort of closure.

I find it so typical that he pushed all the blame on you for the relationship ending. More alcoholic quacking and hitting you when he knows you are down.

Moving forward just focus on your side of the street, figure out what you did in this relationship that you will never do again moving forward.

And for his side of the street, don’t put too much stock in all those negative things he said. He couldn’t even own up to his part, wasn’t mature enough to do anything except blame.

((hugs))

Newlook3

Woke up at 3am this morning with the usual knot of anxiety in my stomach, resisted turning my phone on, which is what I would normally do and maybe even send a heartfelt pathetic needy text. I didn't, I resisted and eventually went back to sleep for a few hours. Awake now and whilst I don't feel the need to contact I'm concerned if he were to contact me. For the last few weeks he has made contact but only in a hi, how are you type way, it has been me who has initiated the in depth questions etc and he has either been rude or just ignored. I truly believe that he has wanted out for a long time, maybe because of his drinking, but more likely because he didn't actually love me any more and that's what I'm trying to accept. He has offered to do a couple of jobs in my house, will pick up key and do them while I'm at work. He is not trying to get back with me, that I know, so my question is should I accept his help with things like that? I know it's probably just guilt for leaving and that's probably why his drinking escalated in the last 6 months but if I accept that to be the case then is there any harm in that?

Seren

I think giving him a key and letting him do the work on your house is a very, very dangerous emotional slope. I think there could be great harm in it -- for you.

Are you really prepared to see him?
What is your true motivation for wanting him in your house? (to see him and be near him -your drug of choice; or to have work done).

There are plenty of people you could hire to have work done on your house...you could even take a class at one of the local home-improvement stores to learn how.

StarCat

He just wants to keep your emotions lined up with what he wants from you, without committing any of that from him to you.

My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. He absolutely had to have HIS keys back right away, and spoke at large about who he was going to give that set to instead of me, but wanted to keep MY keys "in case you need anything." He gave me an hour long dissertation on why I no longer met his relationship needs, then laid down a whole guilt trip about how I was the best influence on his daughter so we HAD to stay friends for her sake, then he threw me out of his house saying "I can't let her see you cry" so I didn't even get to say goodbye to her (and she's already got abandonment issues).

I am sad for that little girl, but there is nothing I can do. She is his responsibility, and if he thinks he can pawn her off on me to set a good example because it's easier than putting in the work to set that example himself... All I can do is pray for her, because being in her life would mean letting her father prey on me, and that won't help anyone.
As for the rest, everything was about him and what he wanted FROM ME. None of it actually had my best interests at heart.

They're unstable and unhealthy and everything is about them and what they want. You are better off without him. Don't give him a foot in the door. Don't give him the time of day.

Your life is the sum of the good you put into it, and he has no place in it anymore. Fill your life with good things, and leave him out of it.

Breakup suck, but that doesn't mean we have to let our lives afterwards follow suit!
(((HUGS)))

LexieCat

I agree with hg. Ask around to find a good handyman to fix the things that need fixing.

Having him in your private living space (especially when you aren't there) is also an invitation for him to snoop around and be in your business. Aside from that, it will also keep you enmeshed with him--gratitude for what he is doing around the house, your thinking that it must mean he still CARES, etc. It will mess with your head, and you don't need it.

Part of breaking up that is scary but necessary is figuring out how to handle the little things in life (like fix-it stuff) on your own. Being on my own has been very empowering in that respect, for me. I don't NEED to have a man to figure out how to get my house, car, etc., fixed. If it is beyond my ability to do, I can ask others for recommendations for trusted experts.

atalose

YES

Emotional harm to you, a way for you to keep holding on!! Find someone else to do the work!!!!!

Newlook3

I think you are right. I thought i was having a better day yesterday after his admittance that it wouldn't work due to his feelings of second best and me trying to change him, thought i got it, there is no way this can work. He texted twice yesterday, both times with just random news items, no reason for him to do that, in your experience why is he doing that? He has said his bit, blamed me for everything and to him i look like I've accepted it.
I realise now, or am starting to that i have massive issues of my own, i don't like not being in control and have abandonment issues.
I didn't reply to either text, they didn't warrent replies anyway, but why send them? Is he playing games or is it just guilt that he ended the relationship, although it started out as me ending it??? Sorry to ramble, its 4.30 in the morning and im confused.

Seren

Usually those little texts or voice mails or e-mails are hooks. Hooks are ways in which the addict or alcoholic keep their classic enabler on hold in case they are needed.

Have you considered blocking his number? Incredible peace could happen that way

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Here is a classic reading thread I thought might help!

Newlook3

I haven't considered blocking his number yet, I'm not quite ready I guess. To be honest I don't know what I feel. One minute, especially after speaking to friends I know even if he asked I wouldn't go back. But the next I could feel really low and just want him to hold me again. I think I'm mostly in shock as I'm starting to realise that he actually wanted out sometime ago and despite me asking him that time and time again he always denied it and I believed him. I know the relationship wasn't good but now I cannot stop imagining him with someone else, he has denied it of course as he wouldn't want to look like the bad guy to my friends but I think it is likely, he needs to be wanted. I just think the timing of him wanting to sort himself out but then play me up is too suspicious. Why do I have to know? This is definitely my problem, I can't let go when he clearly has.

waitingmyself

@newlook I'm in the same boat as you. Today is day 1 of no contact for me. It's so hard to not treat no contact as a tactic for them to initiate contact! Or to pass the time waiting for the next time we do have contact.

I'm not ready either but we must! it's the only way things can ever get better for us. Message me here when you are feeling weak!

Archangelesk

Oh my. All the focus I have put on getting closure, even from one argument, let alone the whole relationship. And this is spot on.

Newlook3

I am thinking no contact will have to be soon, I've realised that he is playing mind games and actually enjoying it I think, which wouldn't surprise me. The only person getting upset is me. I sort of get the idea that as soon as I go quiet for a few days he panics and then contacts me and inevitably the same old crap rears its head, however if I'm texting him he ignores me or cuts me off. I'm starting to see the control in him and its been part of my life for so long that I find it hard to stop it even though I know it's unhealthy for me.

fedup3

He's unhealthy, playing games and thinks you will always be there for him. Please be good to yourself and let go of the dream about the two of you, that's all it is a dream.

atalose

Let go or be dragged…..it’s your choice.

Just expect more hurt and pain and disappointment. If you think he’s playing games….ask yourself what kind of game are you playing? And more importantly why?

Newlook3

Well I have today taken the bull by the horns as I am getting very low and cannot afford for it to get any worse. After the texts stating just why we could never work things out he sent a couple of random texts that I replied to but didn't instigate. Following that, yesterday, he proceeded to send me a picture message of his fridge full of coke, said he was being good and asked how I was now he wasn't there making me miserable. Said I wasn't good, he said you weren't happy when I was there and you aren't happy being alone. I pointed out that after 13 years I wasn't just going to be happy ( unlike he appears to be) he then said why should it just be him changing and making the effort?! I pointed out the statements that he had made on the Saturday night that were something that couldn't be undone...no reply, until I turned my phone on in the morning and at 04.21am he had texted saying if I am so bad why would you want me back. At no time have I said I want him back. Anyway today I decided that this cannot go on, for whatever reason he is playing with my emotions so I rang. Being who he is he didn't answer ( doesnt do confrontation) he texted and said whats up? Told him to ring and he did. We spoke for about an hour, told him that he cannot keep doing this, asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't know but he felt that we couldn't undo all the bad things he had said and his feelings of resentment to my daughter, which he cannot explain. I said that it has to stop, he cannot send me crap one day and then text as though nothing has happened the next day. He said that he realised that he shouldn't have done that, that he was sorting himself out, there wasn't anyone else but he didn't know how we could sort this out. As he wouldn't make a decision, as you all said he wouldn't, I told him that he cannot contact me again.
I don't know how I feel at the moment. It was weird speaking to him because he sounded so distant and different to how he used to. It's like I haven't just been in his life for the last 13 years. He is coming off his antidepressants and says he feels happier because he isn't getting any aggro from me, he also states that he has cut right down on the beer. I guess I am just deflated now that I had to put up with 13 years of his crap and now he seems to be sorting himself out just as we split up!!! Couldn't do that at anytime in the last 13 years then. I don't know if its just more of his games, a sort of, look what you are missing etc but I do feel a bit of relief at the moment I guess.

A friend rang to see how I was just after and I broke down again. She said to take the rest of the week off work, let my tablets kick in and gain some perspective on it. I just wish I didn't feel so hurt by the fact that he really didn't have any emotion in the call, he even said well I am a bloke and I'm heartless!!! He has changed so much in the last few weeks that he is now like a stranger to me and that really hurts.

LexieCat

It didn't help, did it? Just made you feel worse.

"Taking the bull by the horns," holding on, is what is prolonging your pain.

As stated above, let go or be dragged. Being dragged is pretty unpleasant.

Newlook3

It made me feel worse to a point but I am hoping that now I have told him to not contact me that I will be able to try to let go now. I have had days that I have not contacted him after he has said something not pleasant and yet he has each and every time contacted me then with some sort of random rubbish, which admittedly I did reply to. I know I have to let this go, I know he doesn't want it really and I know that deep down I only want it for all the wrong reasons. I know I have issues and don't want to be alone and that's why I want him back I think, thought that this time he would change....maybe he will but it won't be for me. That much I know, don't think he even feels anything for me now. Am thinking about AlAnon, but really not sure.

Tuffgirl

Wouldn't it be nice to have a man in your life who didn't need to "change"?