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STBXAH Grinding at the Edges

Old 05-15-2013, 07:25 AM
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STBXAH Grinding at the Edges

Since I filed for divorce and STBXAH got home from rehab #5, he's been all over me like stink on ****. First it was about the cell phone (which has been taken care of finally), and now it's about seeing the baby. Except it's kind of not about seeing the baby. He says he wants to see her but uses this as an opportunity to confront me, tell me my legal requests are illegitimate, play the victim, and twist and turn my statements until they don't even resemble what was actually said. He's still lying, still shifting blame, and still ridiculously dramatic. His new thing, which he must have learned in rehab, is that I'm controlling. I have heard that I am controlling him two dozen times in the last week. It's exhausting.

I seriously think he's sitting in his parents' basement stewing over this. Get a life, pal. Get a job. Get a hobby. Hell, get a girlfriend. But whatever you do, get out of my damned hair. I'm done.

It's like dealing with a pissed off teenager.

Our first court date is in a little over a week. I'm being conservative with the visitation time with our DS2 because he has not been open about whether he is or will be participating in a recovery program now that he's home, and frankly, because I don't think he's stable. I am asking for sole custody with supervised visitation, which is a continuance of exactly what we've been doing for the last nine months. Now, suddenly, his parents aren't being cooperative and he doesn't like the terms of our prior agreement. I have only cooperated over these last nine months because his folks were on board. Now, suddenly since I've filed for divorce, his family is circling the wagons and is trying to tell me that he's sober and I'm overreacting.

...This guy got out of rehab less than a week ago, and his family is dead-set on maintaining the story that he's been sober for the last year.



It's literally crazy. Just crazy.

I was more than supportive that AH get the help he needs. I told him to go, no resentments on my part. But when the shenanigans with the Wisconsin stayover on the way to rehab and the phone fiasco started, complete with blaming me and manipulating me, his parents, and the rehab counselor to avoid getting caught, I was done. He thinks I'm mad he went to rehab. No, I'm mad he continues to waste our time, energy, and money with his dumbass choices.

This guy isn't even close to recovery. I'm sick of him hauling off and blowing up his life, then being expected to pretend it didn't happen, and/or "will never happen again," which I've been hearing for god knows how long.

Vent. Vent. Vent.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:37 AM
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Ugh.

That is exactly what happened to me. My AXH disappeared one weekend when he was supposed to have visitation and I was supposed to fly to Cancun with my girlfriends for my 40th birthday. His parents were very helpful at first. Of course I had to cancel my trip.

They found him delusional and hungry at the family's ranch 40 miles out in the country. He went to see a psychiatrist and within 3 days, the medications had wiped out the symptoms and guess who was unreasonable for not letting him have unrestricted visits with his kids?

Me. Because I am so "controlling."

You canNOT, NOT, NOT count on the A's parents to see things your way. If they do, it's a miracle and I found that every day was a new day with my former in-laws.

I'm sorry, Florence. Best to find a "supervisor" other than his parents or yourself because a child that young doesn't need visits with her dad - they are for HIS benefit, and lately, he is using the visits as a chance to unload on you.

There's a reason you don't live with him anymore and this is part of it. Minimize contact - save yourself the hassle.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:58 AM
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You canNOT, NOT, NOT count on the A's parents to see things your way. If they do, it's a miracle and I found that every day was a new day with my former in-laws.
I know it's unreasonable of me at this point, but I am still so sad and disappointed with his family's lack of support. They are a nice family, well-to-do, well-educated, and have always given me platitudes about their support. Not much in the way of actual support, but they sure talk about it a lot.

I should have known at the point I told them about STBXAH's suicide attempt so long ago and they told me it was MY problem to deal with. All these years I continue to be disappointed with their denial and willful blindness. I just can't understand how they could witness the events of the last 5-8 years, and everything before me, and conclude that I'm the obvious bad guy. Of course, who knows what kind of hooey STBXAH has been telling them. I need to get over it.

I don't know. I'm still sad and disappointed about it. I know they're probably feeling insecure about their access to the baby now that I've filed. I'm not interested in keeping her away from anyone -- I just want to make sure that she is SAFE. I will pull out all the stops to see that she is safe. I'm worried about her.

I keep reminding myself that this disease is bigger than me, it's not about me, and I can't control it or fight with it. It's just so hard. I wish my baby's grandparents were able to see the danger and gravity of their son's disease, especially as it pertains to their only granddaughter.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:17 AM
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This seems to be a common theme with in-laws. Mine call me "the warden" because I won't let my STBXAH take our 8 month old son and have tried to convince him to seek treatment and get rid of the enablers in his life. They are so uneducated and just outright ignorant when it comes to mental health issues and addictions that they do so much harm. STBXAH's dad buys him liquor and states he is going to wean him off....an hour later and 2 fifths of vodka downed and it's, well we had a setback but we will buy some more and try again tomorrow...its insane! Your best bet is to seek a court ordered supervisor. There are counseling agencies that specialize just in supervision and they employ professionals that can monitor interactions and watch for signs of intoxication in dad and then relay info back to the judge. This is what I have asked for with my custody case so that meetings are in a safe place where kidnapping can't occur and our son isnt put in a position to be neglected or harmed.
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Old 05-15-2013, 09:04 AM
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Big hugs from me today, Florence. Keep plugging along in the right direction and keep your chin up. You're doing awesome!
~T
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Old 05-15-2013, 09:19 AM
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Florence- just wanted to say you're amazing to me! you are doing what's best for your child and yourself and it sounds like intellectually you see so clearly the game playing that stbxah and his family are pulling. It's normal I think to feel upset about the insanity of a family who would rather be in denial than help their son or face the facts and I sure have been there myself with xah's family. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this but do keep on this path you are on bc you are doing the right thing and we are all there with you in spirit!
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Old 05-15-2013, 09:19 AM
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Florence,
So far, I have lost two posts to you.
Let me get the main points out before I lose it again.

You keep doing what is right for that baby.
To me, that means, you circle your wagons.
Explain to your attorney that the ex in-laws have been playing all along.

Your ex is nowhere near recovery. He has no sense of it, cannot even smell it from where he is.
To me, recovery is about responsibility.
How could you possibly control someone who is responsible, mature and sober?
He went to rehab like a con goes to prison, too learn how to play his game better.
Calling you controlling? He wrote the book.

His parents switching sides is not a surprise, but good god it is disappointing.
We are talking about the welfare and health of a baby.

A BABY! See, now that I have a granddaughter, I could not put my son above her.
My son is an addict. His gf is an addict subsidized by the state with her methadone.
Both of them fall way down the scale on MY list of priorities when it comes to that baby.

You are a strong woman Florence. And a mother.
They have no idea what they are dealing with now.
Let them think you can be swayed with their foolishness while you do what is necessary to keep your baby safe.

More power to you!

Beth (the calm one) LOL
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Old 05-15-2013, 09:26 AM
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I know they're probably feeling insecure about their access to the baby now that I've filed. I'm not interested in keeping her away from anyone -- I just want to make sure that she is SAFE. I will pull out all the stops to see that she is safe. I'm worried about her.
<nodding>
They are insecure because it is what they would do.
They have no understanding of what a great, caring, compassionate human being you are.
All because you have filed.
I will add them to my list of prayers.
The ones I get the angriest at, need me to pray the most.

Beth
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:21 AM
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I have no advice or experience in these matters, but I did want to come on and offer you support and a great big HUG! Remind yourself that you are loved, that you are worthy, and that some day this will all be a distant memory. Wishing for you to find a small bit of happiness somewhere in your day today. Keep holding strong and remember to let go of those expectations of both him and his family (well, anybody for that matter) because we all know that expectations lead to resentments and it's just not worth our energy to put that focus out there. Wasted time that you could be using to better yourself and your children with. Sending you lots of support today!
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:43 PM
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I forgot about this. Last night STBXAH called me -- after the argument earlier where he asked to see the baby and I gave him some choices based on our schedule, and he decided to pick a fight with me instead -- and left a message that he wants us to be able to have "civil conversations" and that he was annoyed I was screening my calls.

I actually wasn't screening my calls -- I have chosen to leave the phone behind more often while I go about my life, and I also decided that listening to voicemails from people that make me nuts is a bad idea right before bed. I listen in the morning and call back later AFTER I get a full night of sleep. I would say that's besides the point, but it really isn't. I'm prioritizing my need for peace and a restful night over my AH's need to be heard. Self-care!

The point being that in the past if he'd called me saying all the right things about getting along and being nice to each other and blah blah blah I would have believed him and fallen right back down the rabbit hole. This time I didn't.

Maybe this time I'm clinging to the edge of the rabbit hole trying not to get sucked in. Life was so peaceful while he was in rehab -- even before that, to tell the truth -- and now he's here nattering around the edges of my life begging for attention and accusing me of being mean and vindictive. I don't know why I'm so agitated about this today. Our first hearing is in a little over a week. I'm counting down.

I have a peaceful night with the kids planned for this evening. A good dinner, time outdoors, a full night of rest. Sigh.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:53 PM
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Florence you're doing the right thing. Hats off to ya. Your kids will be better off because of the hard , tough choices you're making today. I have a feeling you'll be just fine.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:55 PM
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Sounds like his parents donít want to deal with him on a daily bases and Iím sure they were thinking that after rehab he would go home with you like he did the 4 previous times.

I think you are being very smart and strong by setting your boundaries with him and the phone. You are 100% percent correct when you say heís begging for attention.

Keep sticking to your boundaries and I hope much of this will be addressed next week at your 1st hearing.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:57 PM
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if it's helpful when dealing with him (as little as humanly possible) maybe act like you are the dreaded recorded phone tree.....Press 1 to ask about the baby, Press 2 to inquire about visitation, Press 3 to comment on the weather.....<<he presses 6>>....i'm sorry, that is NOT a valid selection, Press 1 to ask about the baby, Press 2......

operate from a script and do not waver. YOU select what topics are ok, and which are verboten. and as soon as the very limited conversation drifts off course, you END the conversation. you can even set approved phone times - you may call between the hours of 1 and 3pm. if you call after that, it will go to voicemail and you will get a reply tomorrow between 1 and 3 pm.

i'm not in the least bit surprised that HIS parents are siding with THEIR son. i always caution partners when they think the in-laws have their back....blood is thicker than water. do not attempt to guess what they may or may not be thinking. let their actions tell the story.

and finally, Simon says....step AWAY from the rabbit hole! it's still under construction (aka he's still digging).
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