dragonfly75

My RAfiancée and I broke up last week. I did not know him when he was active, and I am having trouble and am analyzing the relationship trying to learn about myself and my role in it. There were things that he would do constantly, such as lie to prove a point, blame and start fights with me for other people’s actions, and constantly criticize and judge me. He was always so negative. Eventually I felt like I could do nothing right.

He would call me selfish however looking back he is the most self-centered, egotistical man I have ever known. He even told me I needed to go back to therapy and that I didn’t go to enough of it.

He would constantly insult my family and friends, calling my sister an alcoholic, calling them all losers, while he sat back and collected a check due to his “disability”.

He lives a very isolated life, with virtually no relationships with his remaining family and no friends. I don’t think he lets anyone get close to him.

Just a bit of background, I grew up in an alcoholic home(my mother) and he also grew up with an alcoholic mother.

So herein lies my question: from what I have learned in my short time in Alanon is that one should not take anyone else’s inventory except their own. It seems like that was all he did. I am attempting to accept the situation for what it is, but at the same time I want to identify and work on my issues and “triggers”. I know I am not perfect. I know I have codependency issues. However, was his behavior typical of “a dry drunk”??? I would imagine that 20 years in AA working a program and his behavior would have been a bit different.

Thank you for your thoughts

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome. I can't say what is driving his behavior, but it sure doesn't sound like someone I would plan to marry????

from today forward, don't let ANYONE lie to prove a point, blame and start fights with me for other people’s actions, and constantly criticize and judge me. EVER! you don't need that or deserve that. it doesn't matter WHY someone acts like that, what matters is that you need not ever tolerate it.

lizatola

My AH was dry for 15 years, with no program. I had no idea what he could possibly be diagnosed with but I thought maybe he was bipolar, or maybe it was just his depression and anxiety rearing it's ugly head, or maybe it's a personality disorder. Well, at this point it didn't matter, he started drinking again but I do think now that he was a dry drunk for those 15 years.

Does it really matter what you label it though? Just because someone is in AA doesn't mean they have 'fixed' the spiritual side of themselves to the point where they are a more agreeable human being. Some people are just contentious, aggressive, angry, and unhappy and by nature just want to be that way. So, whatever it is going on with him doesn't matter, what matters is what do you want for YOU? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? What are you getting out of this relationship? Only you can answer these questions and decide your own future.

Welcome to the boards, lots of wisdom here and I do hope you keep coming back.

ichabod

Maybe he's just a jerk. Alcohol doesn't create every personality defect.

Recovering2

One pearl I learned on this site. Sometimes when you have a drunk asshat, when they get sober now you have a sober asshat. Could be he's just a miserably unhappy guy, with or without alcohol.

Doesn't really matter though. You're not respected in this relationship, and you're not happy. Life is short.....time to go find your new happier path. (((hugs)))

dragonfly75

Thanks for all of your words of encouragement. I agree, it really doesnt matter how I label his behavior. What matters is that it is unacceplable, and I have aslready reached that conclusion. I just have to keep reminiding myself of this fact when I have moments of sadness or lonliness. I am so grateful to have found Al-Anon, and love the feeling I have when I leave those meetings. I am grateful to all of you on these boards also, your words are much needed support right now.
Thank you!!!

BlueSkies1

I think if we use the term "dry drunk" on these boards, it should probably be used for someone newly sober that has characteristics that are related to drinking only, but then we would have to narrow down exactly what those characteristics are...and it seems they are not the same for everyone, so the term is essentially meaningless except for that it helps people here vent frustration.

He sure sounds like a person that is very judgmental of others. It sounds like your relationship with him was abusive, manipulating, and controlling.

Luri

My husband takes my inventory all day long. It's a part of his disease. I love him so my choice is to accept and be compassionate, it's out of sickness that he does it, it's not him. In al anon I learned one shouldn't take another's inventory, including me doing it to others! It doesn't matter the mood my husband is in, it's my choice to be happy. But it's also my job to know what acceptable and unacceptable behavior and to set boundaries by not taking part or walking away. I have a tendency to get crazy with the crazy. I have to be responsible for my happiness and if that means taking a walk to calm the situation down for me, then that's what I do. But I love the guy so I make the effort to be compassionate with him. That's just me.

Lynnrae2

I had hoped that my exab's issues(lying, cheating, mental abuse etc) was caused by the alcohol. He got sober about 3 months ago.

He wasnt out of rehab but a couple of weeks and I slowly started to see a shift back to his old habits. His lying, his cheating, never stopped. The mental abuse was still there just not as bad.

But I had promised myself that if the old behaviors did not change after rehab that there were no more excuses. I just had to accept that it was his personality. The alcohol was just his coping mechanism. (in fact the alcohol actually made him more bearable to be around) how sad is that.


Anyway, I ended up walking away right before the 60 day mark. He is now back with one of the women he cheated on me with and is drinking again.


I used the term dry drunk to describe him. He did get sober, but he was not dealing with his issues and now he is back to the bottle!!!