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Filing for Divorce Today, and other new beginnings

Old 04-24-2013, 05:48 AM
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Filing for Divorce Today, and other new beginnings

A lot going on.

I'm filing for divorce today. It's been a long time coming. I met with the lawyer last fall to see what my options were and didn't feel like I was ready yet. But when STBXAH (!) went back to rehab this time -- and promptly cut me off his contacts list at rehab because I told him turning in his phone was the right thing to do -- I decided I wanted off the merry go round. At this point it's just stupid. I don't see deep and meaningful change in his future. I have moved on emotionally, but I still care about him and remember the sweet, generous, tender-hearted guy I fell in love with. But then I rewind and replay the whole tape and I'm like, nope. Couldn't pay me to do that again.

I think I'm ready? We'll see. I have done a lot of work on myself this year to not only get over my toxic relationships and childhood, yadda yadda, but also to open myself up to new people, ideas, and experiences. We basically have no assets to split. Our divorce is going to be all about division of petty stuff and the very serious subject of child custody and visitation for our toddler.

So, right after my appointment with my lawyer, I have another appointment with the Chamber of Commerce to help develop a business plan out of a project I've been working on this year. I can't reveal what it is, but it's exciting, the city government and local arts community has taken a great interest in it, and this is the fruition of a lot of hard work. If you had handed me this opportunity five years ago, I would have shrunk away from it or given it to someone else, it would have scared me so bad.

Wish me luck on both fronts. Thank you SR family for being here.
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:54 AM
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Florence,

Good luck! You have evaluated your situation, addressed your issues/piece in the relationship pattern. It is good that you have a sense of finalness with this. The end of a relationship in general is hard, it is even harder with children. To know the answer is settling.
Congrats on the business prospects!
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:02 AM
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It sounds like you're ready and not only doing the right thing for yourself, but also for your toddler.

The business project sounds like a big positive for you also! How exciting! I hope it all turns out the way you want it to.
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:34 AM
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Florence - good on you! You're inspiring - stay strong, keep moving forward, and good luck with your new venture!!
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:38 AM
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:41 AM
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Florence, you are doing GREAT! So exciting to hear how life is really opening up for you as you recover and move ahead! I wish you wonderful things in the days to come and hope you'll continue to post about them here.

Man, it is so good to hear stuff like this...
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:41 AM
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thank you ... nice to see you are working in the solution. Best always!

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Old 04-24-2013, 06:54 AM
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That is AWESOME! Congrats & GOOD LUCK!
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:56 AM
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Florence, you sound strong and confident in your decision. Sending up positive thoughts for you! Sending you cyber hugs, too, because I know this must have been a difficult decision even though you know it's the right thing to do for you!
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:01 AM
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You are doing great, Florence!
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:21 AM
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You have been such an inspiration to me here at SR, Florence, and you continue to be. You sound calm about your decision, realistic about your STBX, and calmly excited about the future.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the business idea and sending lots of hugs.
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:31 AM
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Florence,
I LOVE this!
"So, right after my appointment with my lawyer, I have another appointment with the Chamber of Commerce to help develop a business plan out of a project I've been working on this year."

What a positive thing to do after meeting with your attorney. I don't have the right words - but to me, focusing on you and your future right after the meeting with your attorney about the divorce - seems right, poetic almost. Forgive me for sounding corny.

We have only one way to go in life and that is ONWARD. You are doing just that in such a healthy way.

Sending lots of support and hugs,
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:39 AM
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Florence, you are so smart. Your perspective inspires me and I always appreciate the wisdom you offer. Thank you.
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:52 AM
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((((((((((Florence)))))))))

I can 'hear' the peace and calm in your voice when it comes to filing for divorce. I know you have struggled with this decision for a long time. You're doing this in a very deliberative, realistic, and healthy way. You aren't doing it out of spite or anger. I am happy for you that you have found a sense of peace over a very difficult decision. Your sense of calm is a testament to all the hard work you've put in to working your program of recovery. You should feel very strong and very proud. You inspire me today.

And the new business venture sounds very, very exciting! It's amazing what we can accomplish when we take the energy we USED to pour into fixing the alcoholic and dealing with the chaos and pour it into something positive that we love and feel excited about!

You're hitting on all cylinders right now, my dear! Hooray for you!!
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Old 04-24-2013, 08:36 AM
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Thank you all, from my heart. It seems corny to say that this internet forum saved my life, but, uh, this internet forum saved my life. I'm so grateful it's here for me and for anyone else that's struggling to get their bearings while in the grip of addiction. Since I am unable to attend Al-Anon meetings, this has been my first place to go to when I need help, need some wisdom, and need some feedback, and it still is. I found out that my husband was a serious alcoholic about the same time I realized I was pregnant with my daughter. My panic and desperation brought me here.

When I first heard people's "success" stories, it all felt so far away from me and so unattainable. But I can tell you this: this single mom of two children, with two babydaddies, tons of personal and professional mistakes in my history, and buckets and buckets (and buckets) of debt, is going to figure this out. It's a matter not only of survival, but of quality of life. I deserve it -- not because I'm a good person or a better person, but because it's my responsibility as a mother, and because it's part of my humanity to live to my full potential. I deserve to be free of chaos and violence. So do my children. This can only happen if I take control of my life by exercising healthy boundaries and giving myself an array of healthy choices to choose from.

This is far from over, but this absolutely does feel like a huge benchmark. Again, I'm just so grateful to SR. Seriously.
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Old 04-24-2013, 08:38 AM
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Congrats and good luck with the new venture, i hope it takes off for you.
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Old 04-24-2013, 10:38 AM
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Congrats and good luck!! I am the type of person that hates change, but when I realize I need to make a change, I change EVERYTHING at once, and it always ends up for the better. You got this!
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:21 AM
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Your situation sounds so much like mine. I have not seen a lawyer yet; however I have inquired as to costs, retaining fees etc with a local lawyer. I have got divorce papers as well, but have not completed or filed. I know I will need a lawyer as there is a child involved.
Just like you, I still care for my husband. I'm not sure if I love him anymore though. The years of the alcholism and arguing over it, the financial burden it has put us in ($400-$500 a month) has taken a huge toll on me. I'm trying to detach myself as well and do things for myself and my daughter to enrich our lives. When/if we are ready to move on, I suppose I will know. I sometimes want to kick myself for putting up with so much for 17years, but nothing I can about it now. I'm glad you are doing what you are doing and it sounds like you have positive times ahead of you!
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:08 PM
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I think the best thing about this post Florence is the sense of calm in your words. You've made decisions that are healthy and right for you, and released your spouse to follow his path. I wish you the very best!
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:32 AM
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Congrats for getting off the roller coaster. when I divorced it was the same issue, no real assets, just petty "I want half" crap. Ok, one lamp, one couch, one end table, one dresser. So I gave it ALL to him! I started over with $13 in furniture from the Salvation Army and it was the best move I ever made.

Pick your battles and dont sweat the small stuff. He will be looking for a fight, dont give it to him.

Keep your chin up!
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