Son in hospital after attempted suicide
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Son in hospital after attempted suicide
I posted this in the new members section and someone suggested I post it in here also:
I don't know where to begin. My son graduated this past May from NYU. We're from the South, he's gay and he told me he chose NYU because it is so gay accepting. That was great with me. I was so proud of him for getting in and I wanted him to be happy.
He did great in high school and although I wasn't naive enough to think he didn't drink at all, I sincerely think he didn't have a drinking problem during those years. He did great in school and seemed happy. He told me he was gay when he was 11 and my only concern was how others would treat him, but he seemed really well-adjusted/happy and had plenty of friends.
He went to NYU and saw a school psychologist while there. He told me it was due to him being gay and also that his best friend died in a car wreck a few months before he headed off to college.
He seemed fine while at NYU -- a little edgier, but I figured that came from living in the big city. He had always had a super friendly/courteous type personality and the only change I noticed was some slightly more colorful language -- which again I thought was due to living in the big city. No biggie. He was still personable and nice to others. I did notice when he turned 21 he was definitely more than happy to be able to purchase alcohol legally and he preferred hard liquor. I would visit him in New York a couple to few times each school year (he came home often also) and he always asked me to buy him some Captain Morgan while I was there. I feel like a real dummy looking back at all of this and a warning light not going on sooner. I thought it was just typical college drinking.
He decided to come back South even though he got a job offer in New York. That surprised me, but I was happy to have him home. He moved into a downtown apartment and has a good paying job.
For the last six months I started noticing how excessive his drinking was when I was around him. Even when I was his age (23) and enjoyed partying, I was never able to drink as much as he does. It worried me and I mentioned it to his sister and my husband several times. My husband agreed with me and my sister said it was just because he was 23 years old.
This brings me to the story of how awful life has been since this past Wednesday.
Wednesday night I asked my son to have supper with me and one of my good friends. He didn't show up at the time we agreed upon (not like him at all) and I couldn't get him on his cell -- went straight to voicemail. He finally showed up about an hour late and said he had fallen to sleep in his car. He ordered a drink and after one drink seemed really intoxicated. He was getting very irritated with our waiter (also not like him -- well, not like him that I knew of -- at this point I don't know what to think.
He proceeded to have about four more drinks (Bourbon & ginger) and I told him he needed to let me drive him home. He got really loud and said no he could drive himself. He had never acted that way and was being loud enough I was embarrassed -- we were at a restaurant in a large shopping center -- so I said fine because he was being belligerent and acting crazy. I kind of wish I had stuck to my guns, but he is an adult and I simply didn't know how to deal with him behaving like that. We have always been real close and it was so unusual for him.
I headed home and then received a phone call almost as soon as I got home. He was crying his eyes out and said he had F upped his car and was hurt. Me and my husband went to go get him. He was still at the shopping center and had run over a smaller newly planted tree and then crashed his car into a concrete light post that it was totally torn up all across the front and the air bag had deployed. He came from the street going around the shopping mall, so he had some speed going. There were car parts everywhere and it was just a mess.
He told us he had done it on purpose trying to kill himself. We probably should have taken him to the hospital right then, but we waited until the next morning to call a psychiatrist as we weren't sure what the right thing was to do. I made him sleep that night with me and my Golden Retriever and my husband slept in the guest bedroom. I was worried he would try to hurt himself again.
The next day I called the psychiatrist and he said to take him to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. While my son was talking to me the night of the attempted suicide he told me he had serious issues -- he was drinking way too much and was so depressed over his friends who had died. Besides the one best friend who died right before he went to college he also had TWO other gay friends who had committed suicide -- both by hanging themselves. These were separate events -- about six months apart. I cried each time also because it's so heartbreaking and such a waste. All three were fine young men -- talented, smart and all had good hearts.
My son is now in the hospital and they said it would probably be five to 10 days. We went to his apartment to feed his cat and seriously -- it looked like one of the places they show on that television "Hoarders". It was a messy disaster area. It wasn't just stuff thrown around and on the floor -- it was filth. Our house is not that way and he has never been that way before. There were about 25 empty large liquor bottles and tons of empty beer bottles -- everywhere -- in the bathroom, the living room and the kitchen. There were at least 25 empty cat food cans on the kitchen floor. Apparently he was feeding his cat straight out of the cans and never bothering to throw the empties away. There was cat feces on the couch and in different areas in the apartment because the cat's litter was rock hard solid from not having been changed in forever.
My husband and I spent at least five hours cleaning/scouring that apartment. We still need to vacuum and mop when we go back tomorrow. None of the clothes were clean in the apartment. I have brought them all home and am washing them, including the bed clothes. I bought the cat food and remedied the litter box situation. It almost made me throw up it was so nasty.
We found two marijuana pipes and threw those away along with all the empty liquor mess.
I can't tell you how shell-shocked I feel by all of this. I don't know how he was managing to get to work each day and looking normal, but he was.
Today I went back to feed the cat and feel guilty because I dug around until I found his marijuana stash. I have thrown it away also.
I'm not some big prude and actually would be fine with the legalization of marijuana, but I figure anything like that needs to be out of his apartment when he goes back. I don't smoke it myself. Never have. There are only four beers in the fridge, but I think those are going to go bye bye when I go there tomorrow to vacuum and mop.
I don't know why I'm typing all of this other than for self-therapy. My heart hurts so much. My husband has been crying some, but he's a very strong man and will be strong when he needs to for my son. I feel the tears welling, but have been squelching them so far.
We love him so much and know he has to want to help himself. He made a big first step asking for help.
I have a few questions:
1) Since he's an adult, will the counselor tell us anything? Will the counselor speak to us as in some sort of group family counseling?
2) Was it fine to throw away his bongs or whatever those pipes are called and his pot?
3) We don't want to enable him in any way from this point forward. It's so hard to know what to do and what not to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
4) Since he was suicidal, is it likely the psychiatrist will suggest he move back in for us a while? It would make me feel better if he did because I will be worried sick he's going to try to hurt himself again. I realize he has to go back to his apartment eventually, but during the more intensive counseling is it best for him not to be left alone?
I know this is long and I apologize for that to anyone who has made it to the end of all of this.
I don't know where to begin. My son graduated this past May from NYU. We're from the South, he's gay and he told me he chose NYU because it is so gay accepting. That was great with me. I was so proud of him for getting in and I wanted him to be happy.
He did great in high school and although I wasn't naive enough to think he didn't drink at all, I sincerely think he didn't have a drinking problem during those years. He did great in school and seemed happy. He told me he was gay when he was 11 and my only concern was how others would treat him, but he seemed really well-adjusted/happy and had plenty of friends.
He went to NYU and saw a school psychologist while there. He told me it was due to him being gay and also that his best friend died in a car wreck a few months before he headed off to college.
He seemed fine while at NYU -- a little edgier, but I figured that came from living in the big city. He had always had a super friendly/courteous type personality and the only change I noticed was some slightly more colorful language -- which again I thought was due to living in the big city. No biggie. He was still personable and nice to others. I did notice when he turned 21 he was definitely more than happy to be able to purchase alcohol legally and he preferred hard liquor. I would visit him in New York a couple to few times each school year (he came home often also) and he always asked me to buy him some Captain Morgan while I was there. I feel like a real dummy looking back at all of this and a warning light not going on sooner. I thought it was just typical college drinking.
He decided to come back South even though he got a job offer in New York. That surprised me, but I was happy to have him home. He moved into a downtown apartment and has a good paying job.
For the last six months I started noticing how excessive his drinking was when I was around him. Even when I was his age (23) and enjoyed partying, I was never able to drink as much as he does. It worried me and I mentioned it to his sister and my husband several times. My husband agreed with me and my sister said it was just because he was 23 years old.
This brings me to the story of how awful life has been since this past Wednesday.
Wednesday night I asked my son to have supper with me and one of my good friends. He didn't show up at the time we agreed upon (not like him at all) and I couldn't get him on his cell -- went straight to voicemail. He finally showed up about an hour late and said he had fallen to sleep in his car. He ordered a drink and after one drink seemed really intoxicated. He was getting very irritated with our waiter (also not like him -- well, not like him that I knew of -- at this point I don't know what to think.
He proceeded to have about four more drinks (Bourbon & ginger) and I told him he needed to let me drive him home. He got really loud and said no he could drive himself. He had never acted that way and was being loud enough I was embarrassed -- we were at a restaurant in a large shopping center -- so I said fine because he was being belligerent and acting crazy. I kind of wish I had stuck to my guns, but he is an adult and I simply didn't know how to deal with him behaving like that. We have always been real close and it was so unusual for him.
I headed home and then received a phone call almost as soon as I got home. He was crying his eyes out and said he had F upped his car and was hurt. Me and my husband went to go get him. He was still at the shopping center and had run over a smaller newly planted tree and then crashed his car into a concrete light post that it was totally torn up all across the front and the air bag had deployed. He came from the street going around the shopping mall, so he had some speed going. There were car parts everywhere and it was just a mess.
He told us he had done it on purpose trying to kill himself. We probably should have taken him to the hospital right then, but we waited until the next morning to call a psychiatrist as we weren't sure what the right thing was to do. I made him sleep that night with me and my Golden Retriever and my husband slept in the guest bedroom. I was worried he would try to hurt himself again.
The next day I called the psychiatrist and he said to take him to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. While my son was talking to me the night of the attempted suicide he told me he had serious issues -- he was drinking way too much and was so depressed over his friends who had died. Besides the one best friend who died right before he went to college he also had TWO other gay friends who had committed suicide -- both by hanging themselves. These were separate events -- about six months apart. I cried each time also because it's so heartbreaking and such a waste. All three were fine young men -- talented, smart and all had good hearts.
My son is now in the hospital and they said it would probably be five to 10 days. We went to his apartment to feed his cat and seriously -- it looked like one of the places they show on that television "Hoarders". It was a messy disaster area. It wasn't just stuff thrown around and on the floor -- it was filth. Our house is not that way and he has never been that way before. There were about 25 empty large liquor bottles and tons of empty beer bottles -- everywhere -- in the bathroom, the living room and the kitchen. There were at least 25 empty cat food cans on the kitchen floor. Apparently he was feeding his cat straight out of the cans and never bothering to throw the empties away. There was cat feces on the couch and in different areas in the apartment because the cat's litter was rock hard solid from not having been changed in forever.
My husband and I spent at least five hours cleaning/scouring that apartment. We still need to vacuum and mop when we go back tomorrow. None of the clothes were clean in the apartment. I have brought them all home and am washing them, including the bed clothes. I bought the cat food and remedied the litter box situation. It almost made me throw up it was so nasty.
We found two marijuana pipes and threw those away along with all the empty liquor mess.
I can't tell you how shell-shocked I feel by all of this. I don't know how he was managing to get to work each day and looking normal, but he was.
Today I went back to feed the cat and feel guilty because I dug around until I found his marijuana stash. I have thrown it away also.
I'm not some big prude and actually would be fine with the legalization of marijuana, but I figure anything like that needs to be out of his apartment when he goes back. I don't smoke it myself. Never have. There are only four beers in the fridge, but I think those are going to go bye bye when I go there tomorrow to vacuum and mop.
I don't know why I'm typing all of this other than for self-therapy. My heart hurts so much. My husband has been crying some, but he's a very strong man and will be strong when he needs to for my son. I feel the tears welling, but have been squelching them so far.
We love him so much and know he has to want to help himself. He made a big first step asking for help.
I have a few questions:
1) Since he's an adult, will the counselor tell us anything? Will the counselor speak to us as in some sort of group family counseling?
2) Was it fine to throw away his bongs or whatever those pipes are called and his pot?
3) We don't want to enable him in any way from this point forward. It's so hard to know what to do and what not to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
4) Since he was suicidal, is it likely the psychiatrist will suggest he move back in for us a while? It would make me feel better if he did because I will be worried sick he's going to try to hurt himself again. I realize he has to go back to his apartment eventually, but during the more intensive counseling is it best for him not to be left alone?
I know this is long and I apologize for that to anyone who has made it to the end of all of this.
Last edited by Dee74; 04-19-2013 at 03:49 PM.
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to the family.
You've got a lot on your plate right now. Are you getting any counseling for yourselves? You could use a shoulder to cry on right now.As to your throwing out his stuff, well, since you're taking responsibility for him right now I guess you have that right.
I'm going to suggest you post your questions in the friends and families forum for insight from those who have been in your position. There's one for alcohol and one for substance abuse. Give them a look.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Okay. I will do that. Thank you so much for responding. I know I wrote a novel. 
Since this just happened, I haven't had any counseling about it yet. That may be coming. This is hard and it's only just beginning. I just want him to like himself and be a happy person. I know he has to do the hard work himself.
Since this just happened, I haven't had any counseling about it yet. That may be coming. This is hard and it's only just beginning. I just want him to like himself and be a happy person. I know he has to do the hard work himself.
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Welcome Scarlett,
I'm very sorry you're going through this heartbreak. My daughter attempted suicide while at college her sophomore year. I brought her home. It was a difficult time for both of us. I can only share my experience, but I've never regretted bringing her home. I have great empathy for you and your husband, as well as your son.
I'm very sorry you're going through this heartbreak. My daughter attempted suicide while at college her sophomore year. I brought her home. It was a difficult time for both of us. I can only share my experience, but I've never regretted bringing her home. I have great empathy for you and your husband, as well as your son.
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Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. I agree that you should check out and post in our Family and Friends forum.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is. My youngest daughter was suicidal in the past and, although substances or alcohol weren't involved, it was a living nightmare.
As to whether or not the psychiatrist will talk with you about your son, that depends on your son. He can give the doctor permission to talk to you, or he can tell him not to talk to you. It's really up to him. Tossing his paraphenalia was a decision you made and he'll have to deal with it.
Before you decide to allow him to live in your home, why not just wait a few days and see what develops. If he truly wants help, he may decide to go to a rehab facility when he can get the help he needs.
Again, welcome to SR. We are here to support you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is. My youngest daughter was suicidal in the past and, although substances or alcohol weren't involved, it was a living nightmare.
As to whether or not the psychiatrist will talk with you about your son, that depends on your son. He can give the doctor permission to talk to you, or he can tell him not to talk to you. It's really up to him. Tossing his paraphenalia was a decision you made and he'll have to deal with it.
Before you decide to allow him to live in your home, why not just wait a few days and see what develops. If he truly wants help, he may decide to go to a rehab facility when he can get the help he needs.
Again, welcome to SR. We are here to support you.
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Originally Posted by Pondlady 
Welcome Scarlett,
I'm very sorry you're going through this heartbreak. My daughter attempted suicide while at college her sophomore year. I brought her home. It was a difficult time for both of us. I can only share my experience, but I've never regretted bringing her home. I have great empathy for you and your husband, as well as your son.
I'm very sorry you're going through this heartbreak. My daughter attempted suicide while at college her sophomore year. I brought her home. It was a difficult time for both of us. I can only share my experience, but I've never regretted bringing her home. I have great empathy for you and your husband, as well as your son.
Funny thing is I haven't cried since this all happened and now that I have typed it all out the tears are pouring. I guess it's good to purge. We get to visit him tomorrow. I took him his toiletries, his glasses and a book today although it wasn't visiting day -- so I couldn't see him.
Every part of it is a shock. Walking up to the hospital and having to give the nurse a code, my name and reading signs that tell me I can't bring my purse in, my cell, etc. -- it's all just surreal.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. I agree that you should check out and post in our Family and Friends forum.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is. My youngest daughter was suicidal in the past and, although substances or alcohol weren't involved, it was a living nightmare.
As to whether or not the psychiatrist will talk with you about your son, that depends on your son. He can give the doctor permission to talk to you, or he can tell him not to talk to you. It's really up to him. Tossing his paraphenalia was a decision you made and he'll have to deal with it.
My sister said he could consider the missing beer and pot my price for cleaning his apartment.
Before you decide to allow him to live in your home, why not just wait a few days and see what develops. If he truly wants help, he may decide to go to a rehab facility when he can get the help he needs.
Again, welcome to SR. We are here to support you.
Again, welcome to SR. We are here to support you.
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Scarlett, My daughter is a beautiful young woman now......but it has been a long road. I get the sense your son feels safe near you and your husband. BTW, my daughter didn't have the substance abuse issue, but she had an eating disorder - think the two are linked in a struggle to cope and feel in control.
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Originally Posted by Anna
I'm really sorry that you and your husband are going through this.
I hope that your son decides to live a sober life.
I hope that your son decides to live a sober life.
I'm a little concerned because of his circle of friends. They're all super nice, but I think a few of them have alcohol addiction issues also. I know his best friend does and I truly wish he'd seek help also.
I know I can't control any of this though and my son is going to have to be strong enough to make the right decisions.
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Originally Posted by Pondlady
Scarlett, My daughter is a beautiful young woman now......but it has been a long road. I get the sense your son feels safe near you and your husband. BTW, my daughter didn't have the substance abuse issue, but she had an eating disorder - think the two are linked in a struggle to cope and feel in control.
I'm glad she's doing better. My sister-in-law had an eating disorder and I have seen what that can do to a person. She's doing much better also.
And yes -- we're a real close family. I also have a daughter and a brand new granddaughter (Seven weeks old). We all do things together and enjoy life/laugh a lot. This has been extra unsettling because we all think my son has so much going for him. I think my daughter (she's 28) is in a state of shock also. She's coming to town Sunday to visit him. They're real close and she's is really supportive of him. I like also that she will speak her mind to him -- not in an ugly way -- but if he asks her for advice she gives him good and mature advice.
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi and welcome Scarlett
For your ease, and everyone elses, I've merged all your replies here
D
For your ease, and everyone elses, I've merged all your replies here
D
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Try to remember to take care of yourself....there is a lot going on right now. One thing I learned , was I couldn't make my daughter healthy...I remember being so scared she would try again.....something I had no real control over. What a joy to have a new granddaughter
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I'm so sorry, I don't even know what to say other than wish the best for your son and hope for a good outcome. I'm not even going to pretend I know what you and your family are going through and the uphill climb to sobriety your son may need to make to continue to working on becoming healthy may be a long one.
He is very fortunate that he has his parents in his corner and hopefully many others. Now that his 'home environment' has been discovered (the mess) it's probably just a little part of his reality falling away that he was hiding from his parents and probably everyone else that is one less thing for him to worry about hiding.
So sorry - best to all of you and hugs.
He is very fortunate that he has his parents in his corner and hopefully many others. Now that his 'home environment' has been discovered (the mess) it's probably just a little part of his reality falling away that he was hiding from his parents and probably everyone else that is one less thing for him to worry about hiding.
So sorry - best to all of you and hugs.
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Hello Scarlett, I'm so very sorry to hear about your son.
When my adult stepson was in the hospital with the DT's or with a major infection, sometimes the social worker would speak to us. Unfortunately, we were not allowed to speak to the doctor about his care--sometimes my husband would happen to be in the room with his son when the doctor came by and would learn things that way.
I hope that your son realizes the gravity of his situation and will reach out for any help that is offered. You will all be in my prayers.
When my adult stepson was in the hospital with the DT's or with a major infection, sometimes the social worker would speak to us. Unfortunately, we were not allowed to speak to the doctor about his care--sometimes my husband would happen to be in the room with his son when the doctor came by and would learn things that way.
I hope that your son realizes the gravity of his situation and will reach out for any help that is offered. You will all be in my prayers.
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