ScarlettOHara

I will. I know it's something he is going to have to do for himself. It is so unsettling though. I'm trying to sleep well, but it's difficult.

Before this all happened, I was heading my granddaughter's way today. Now that all of this is going on I'm not going to, of course. Maybe on non-visiting days I can head down for day trips to babysit -- she's a couple of hours away. My daughter loves for me to visit and I love, love, love holding my sweet granddaughter. She's a doll baby.

Thank you so much. I'm so glad my husband decided that was a job for two. I initially was going to try to clean it all up myself, but that would have taken at least a few days.

You know it's bad when I immediately felt sorry for the cat. I have two dogs and love them -- and I just don't like seeing animals in nasty environments. My husband says if my Golden Retriever brought home a check, he'd (my husband) be in big trouble. lol

Thanks. I hope your stepson is doing better.

I thought maybe the psychiatrist would want to do some family counseling, but I may still be stuck in the mode I was when my son actually was our child as opposed to being our adult child. Either way, I sure hope the counselor is able to help my son to help himself.

Thank you for the prayers. I'll take as many of those as I can get.

HopefulmomtoD

My 22 year old son is an alcoholic. He went through rehab and sober living last year, had a relapse immediately, and is now over three months sober again.

He also battles depression. The few times I witnessed him drunk (he usually hid it), he would threaten to kill himself, say he wanted to die, etc. He also had several friends die - although I'm not sure that has had anything to do with his depression and alcoholism.

They told us while he was in rehab, and I believe this is the prevailing belief, that they have to treat the addiction before they can treat any mental health issues.

Now that my DS is sober, he says he has never felt better in his life. He does take an anti depressant but denies feeling depressed, etc. As long as your son is drinking and smoking pot as heavily as he is, you can not tell if he is depressed or not.

Read all you can on addiction. And, start getting these three things in your head:
1. You did not cause this. 2. You can control this. and 3. You can not cure this.

Rehab might be a great start for him- but, he's got to believe he has a problem and really want to get help for it.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Scarlett,

I'm so sorry for your pain.. I lost a sister to suicide after multiple attempts. My parents certainly went through hell. Well, we all did. She was not a substance abuser and battled severe depression for many years.

Contrasting your situation with ours, I really think your son will be okay. He sounds like he was depressed and self medicating with alcohol and drugs. I'm optimistic that with the right psychiatric care/therapy/recovery program, he can work through all of his pain.

It sounds to me like he's reaching a bottom. And while his suicide attempt was scary and definitely a cry for help, I find it "positive" he didn't try to hang himself or do something with a higher "success" rate.

Also I see a cry for help as a good indication that he might really embrace sobriety. His substance abuse was obviously causing him a lot of pain, and he was in touch with that pain, which will serve him in recovery.

I'm sorry if what I'm saying is inappropriate or not helpful. I just really wanted to reach out and tell you my thoughts and prayers are with you. And that you should not stop believing he will be fine. There are a lot of people who recover from similar places he is in right now. Actually, I know a couple of gay guys who have.

Love and hugs to you.

Florence

Suicide attempts and suicide are more common in the gay community than the straight community. Gay kids still live with so much stigma and a lot of kids self-medicate to cope and deal with depression and anxiety. In addition to getting support as parents of an addict in Al-Anon, it might also be beneficial for you to attend a local GLAAD meeting and get involved in a more fundamental way. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but as friends and family we need organized support.

Just a suggestion. Please also feel free to vent and learn here. There is a lot of wisdom on these boards.

FeelingGreat

Scarlett this is terribly traumatic for you, and I can see your son is really struggling. Please comfort yourself with the knowledge that you have given your son a stable loving upbringing, and that makes an enormous difference.
My nephew went through a similar breakdown, with 2 attempts at suicide. Luckily his good friends brought him home to tell his parents. They put medical treatment and psychological care into place, and although there were some rocky times he has regained a normal, successful life and is getting married in December.
His parents didn't so anything spectacular, but their good relationship with their son allowed them to help him and him to want that help. I hope this happens in your family too.

ScarlettOHara

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a brother also -- to a car wreck when he was 24. I was 21 and three weeks away from getting married. He was my best friend/sibling and coming home for my wedding. (I'm from a family of 14 children) He was in Germany in the Army and they said he had his seatbelt on and wasn't intoxicated. They didn't really know what happened as his car hit a tree. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to lose a sibling to suicide.

I hope you're right. Thank you for the encouragement.

I do too.

I think so too. I saw it as a positive. He reached out for help.

Oh no -- not inappropriate at all. I appreciate your post. It's encouraging to me. Thank you so much.

ScarlettOHara

Thank you. Yes, gay people do have to deal with a lot. I guess in my mind because I loved and accepted him and didn't consider him flawed, I thought it would help him make it through it all. We all (me, his father and his sister) supported him and loved him -- not in a condescending way -- I think more in a protective way because we knew he had people/prejudice to face in the world. I tried to teach him he's a child of God. We all are.

In retrospect, silly me for thinking we could love him through it all -- like it was just us and not the whole world.

I have thought about getting more involved in the way you suggest. It wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable at all in itself -- I have often wondered if I should or not because I didn't want my son to think I was taking up his cause -- because he's not a cause. He's simply who he is and that's a good thing.

I know he wants to go to PRIDE in New York in June. I always loved that he did that and now I wonder if that's just another temptation for him as far as alcohol is concerned?

I will just have to wait and see. I'm not sure if his problem is alcoholism or depression or both.

ScarlettOHara

I'm happy to hear about your nephew.

Thank you so much. I hope this happens with our family too. I hope my son will find happiness and peace.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry this is happening to you; thank God he wasn't a successful suicide and he asked for help. Alcohol is a depressant, it takes people down to the depths of misery. I'm sure the doctor won't -- he can't -- discuss your son with you, and it's probably a good thing. Your son has to face this himself in order to get sober and stay that way. It is wonderful he has your support and love, it will make all the difference in what happens after this. Perhaps he'll go to a rehab or start some other program of recovery. Many men in my AA meetings are gay, they have wonderful, happy lives now.
He's truly blessed to have wonderful parents.

ScarlettOHara

Thank you so much for your supportive comments.

I'm quite the dog lover myself. People are always telling me they wish they were my dog. lol

I hope he does go to rehab. He was so healthy before college -- cross country runner. He had other healthy outlets also -- loved to read, wrote a video game blog, played cello, painted, etc.

ScarlettOHara

We went to go see our son at the hospital for the first time today. I was glad to see him, but this has all been pretty sad also. He seemed to be doing alright. I took him clothes and a couple of books he wanted. He's on the psychiatric ward, so there were some interesting people there. It's really sobering to see people deal with psychological conditions. One young woman had OCD issues and was changing her clothes every 10 minutes. She knew our son and introduced herself to us. I don't know what they do for someone with that kind of issue. She was apparently not wanting to check out because she's also afraid of being outdoors.

They've put my son on Lexapro and an anti-siezure medication. I'm a little wary of antidepressants, but I of course did not say that to my son. He's also on a sleep medication.

He said they've suggested he does A.A., but he's not a big fan of A.A. because of the 12 step program. He grew up in a Christian home, but has some animosity towards organized religion due to most of them thinking being a homosexual is a sin. I don't believe it is a sin and there are some gay accepting churches, but that's something for him to decide. I asked him if there were other options besides A.A. and he said he's not in a place where he thinks he should have to completely give up all alcohol for life. He said he understands he needs to abstain for quite a while and drink in a more healthy manner -- such as a glass of wine if he's out to dinner with friends -- but he doesn't feel like it's something he should have to banish from his life forever.

I didn't know what to say, so I just told him he would just have to see how he does with his therapy.

He seemed shaky today and that made me feel sad. He said they said his blood pressure was up and they assume that is due to him being anxious. He's pretty trim, but I can't imagine all the cigarette smoking and drinking he has been doing is helping. I'm hoping as (if) he starts doing better he will be more interested in physical activity again. He used to really enjoy jogging.

He doesn't know when he'll be out yet. He's there on a voluntary basis, but they aren't suggesting he check out yet.

He is canceling a trip in May to New York. He had already bought a ticket and was going to visit a couple of friends, but he said he didn't think he should be in that environment right now.

He also wants to go to Pride in June in New York and was saying that today, but he'll have to cross that hurdle when he gets to it.

We didn't mention anything about what he plans to do when they release him as far as living arrangements are concerned. We're hoping he'll come stay with us for a couple of weeks or so, but he likes his space. He's real close to his sister, so I think she is planning on broaching the subject with him when she visits tomorrow.

On a funny note, a nurse came by to counsel him on how to communicate with his parents since he had told them we were visiting today. He told her he didn't need any help with being open and communicating with us as he felt really close to his parents. That being said, he was certainly hiding the fact he was feeling so depressed, drinking so excessively and keeping his apartment the way he was.

The aid who walked us out told me he was a really good and courteous patient.

Oh -- and he was laughing about the art therapy. He said he felt like he was in elementary school again making pictures because they gave him a coloring book and some markers. He did free draw a pretty lighthouse and they complimented his shading abilities. lol

We're still worried sick, but I don't know what in the heck we can do for him other than try to be there for him.

HopefulmomtoD

If your DS is an alcoholic (and it sure sounds like he is), he is not going to be able to control his drinking. They all try and want to believe that they can- but alcoholics are powerless over alcohol.

Try not to minimize his behavior from this week. He was belligerent with you and then drove drunk. Thank God, he didn't kill or hurt anyone. He's very lucky he isn't facing a DUI. (I know I'm only reading what you wrote- but I'm not so sure he tried to kill himself or he just crashed his car because he was driving drunk and is manipulating. My experience with alcoholics is that they are depressed and they say they want to kill themselves.)

Don't rescue him. The ONLY thing that will make him want to get sober is if he feels the full brunt of his poor decisions from drinking.

As far as AA- its not the only way but it has gotten many people sober. My son is not religious- and he has done well in AA and goes to meetings daily. (I recommend watching the 2012 documentary Bill W on the founder of AA- Bill Wilson. It explains the powerless alcoholics feel over alcohol and also the tremendous effort that was put into starting AA and wanting to ensure that it was NOT based on a belief in God. The founders wanted to make sure to appeal to everyone.)

You remind me of where I was with my RAS a year or so ago. I remember questioning whether or not he was an alcoholic. I wondered if he only drank because he was depressed or because of things that happened in his life. His first hospitalization (due to alcohol toxicity), I sat at his bedside and visited him daily. The nurses told me what I nice son I had. When he went to rehab, I was so proud of him. I bought him new clothes, and books so that he wouldn't be bored. UGH. He relapsed several times between then and now. I should have just stepped back some (like I did this last time) and let him figure it out.

All of this is said with kindness and concern- in case its not coming out that way.

(I just remembered, I even thought maybe my son was gay and that's why he was so unhappy, lol. I was always trying to figure it out. Why, I wanted to know why. In the end, it doesn't matter. It just is. He's an alcoholic.)

ScarlettOHara

He may very well be one. I'm tending to think he is. I flinched a bit today because I thought he may just be making excuses and not understanding or not caring about the gravity of his situation.

I do think he crashed his car on purpose and it was a cry for help. I don't know if it was an all out suicide attempt, but he said today he was surprised he wasn't hurt more than he was. His car is totaled. He ended up with a bruised hand and a scratched up leg.

He is depressed.

He certainly didn't seem motivated enough today to want to make things improve, but at least he's in the hospital voluntarily and staying -- so far.

He told me today he misses his music. He's used to being plugged in. It made me wonder how much more of a difficult time young people have in rehab due to no electronics.

I don't know how I could rescue him. It is a natural inclination to want to -- as a mother -- but I'm going to try my best to not enable him. There's nothing scarier than thinking about him taking his own life.

I will check out the documentary if I can find it. I understand what you're saying about AA -- and perhaps he will warm up to it -- he's young and is resentful about some things having to do with church. Perhaps that will temper with time.

What is RAS? Alcoholic Son? What is the R?

I fear my son will relapse. I feel pretty helpless as to anything I can do about it.

Oh no. You're fine. I appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me. I'm all for listening to voices of experience. I hope your son is doing much better.

I totally get this. I thought he would be fine because we love him and accept him as he is -- and we do -- and feel like his life has been blessed and he is a blessing to us -- but still there's this. And yes -- why? The unanswered why's are so frustrating and sometimes they are never understood.

fairlyuncertain

Even in our small community there is an aa meeting specifically for LBGt who struggle with drinking.
the book Under the Influence outlines the biological difference betweeen an alcoholic and a regular drinker. It is a great explanation of alcoholism.
I wish your family the best. Tell your son you thought the weed was catnip and felt sorry for the cat....

HopefulmomtoD

He probably is depressed- but its kind of the chicken/egg scenario. Which came first? It doesn't really matter at this point, because his depression will never improve as long as he is drinking. And, any medication for depression will be ineffective as long as he is drinking.

Unfortunately, you are probably in for a bit of a roller coaster ride until he really gets it. Drinking has been a big part of his life for a long time and he doesn't want to lose that. He can't imagine life without it most likely.

What I mean by not rescuing him is - for example, the car. He (while drinking) made the choice to crash his car (on purpose, or not). Let him figure out what he is going to do to drive. How he is going to get to work, etc. Don't do it for him. Let him experience painful consequences from drinking.

You can't control him and his drinking, but you can make boundaries for you. For example, if he moves in with you, are you going to allow drinking in your home? He mistreated you and talked poorly to you while drinking, what are you boundaries about how he will treat you?

RAS = recovering alcoholic son My son is now sober 3+ months, working steps with a sponsor, attending meetings daily. But, its been a rough ride to get here. Very briefly, he was hospitalized last April with alcoholic intoxication . His levels were so high, and because of things said while drunk, it was treated as a suicide attempt. He was detoxed for a week and discharged to out patient rehab. He tested positive for alcohol on his intake (of course, lied that he was back to drinking. He believed he could "control" it.) Drinking immediately spiraled out of control and he had another hospitalization that sent him to a week in a psych ward. It was NOT a pleasant experience for him. From there, we sent him to a 30 day rehab that we paid $$$ for. After that he went away to six months of sober living (that we paid $$$$$$$ for). Brought him home, and he was lying and sneaking drinking within a few weeks. We put him out of the house (long story ... but, that made him really hit bottom). He went to another rehab and has been home and sober since. He is now working full time, going to meetings daily, and taking some college courses. I hate to get my hopes up (because they've been crushed so many times) but, he really seems to get it this time. I've never seen him happier and more committed to his sobriety.

The documentary Bill W. is available to rent on Amazon. Not sure if its on Netflix.

Its really hard. Our natural inclination as parents is to help our children. Alcoholism is a disease that our help really only hurts them.

And, yes, as previous poster said, there are AA meetings just for LGBT (hope I got the acronym correct, lol) community.

ScarlettOHara

Thank you. I hadn't even thought to google that, but did after you mentioned it. Yes, there are quite a few around here. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for making me smile this morning.

I'm strongly considering bringing the cat home with me because I actually DO feel sorry for him. I don't know how lonely cats get. I can't for the life of me figure out how I would get the cat in a carrier without suffering serious personal injury. lol

ScarlettOHara

Thanks. I know you're right.

I don't think he can. I also think it's an escape for things that bother him. It's definitely the way he and his friends socialize.

Funny thing is, for a while (a couple of months) he had been telling me he was really worried about how much his best friend (gay guy) drinks. They've been friends since elementary school. And it's the truth -- he seems to be an alcoholic too. He was at the hospital waiting to visit my son yesterday while we were visiting.

We will. We've already discussed this. He works for his dad and his dad works in a business where he could easily replace the vehicle. He's already said he's not going to do it. Sad thing is, my son just bought the vehicle and has only made two payments on it.

We will do this also and absolutely not on the drinking in our home. We won't be drinking around him either.

He's never done the mistreating/talking poorly thing (to me or my husband) before. I'll be sure to put a stop to that also. Thanks.

Wow. You have been through a lot and I am so sorry. I'm happy he's doing well these last three months. I feel kind of mired in the not feeling hopeful thing right now after visiting him yesterday.

Thanks!

Yes, it is and it feels like this is just beginning. I found some meeting places nearby, if he decides to get help from AA. And yes -- you got it right.

HopefulmomtoD

We have a lot in common. I think a big reason that my son's drinking/alcoholism progressed so quickly is because of his friend (since elementary school) was/is also an alcoholic. His friend was probably worse than my son for a while, but then my son quickly caught up.

Ugh ... this could get a little more complicated if he actually works for his father.

We did this also. We have zero alcohol in our house. Not a sacrifice for me at all- I haven't had a drink in well over a year. After seeing alcohol destroy my son, I just haven't had the heart for it. My DH would still like to have a beer or two now and then, but does not want it in the house either.

Good!

Its been a tough year, no doubt. But, if he figures this out now- at the age of 22- it'll be worth it. ;-)


Many here swear by alanon and the support they give to the families/loved ones of alcoholics. I have other forms of support and think I'm doing okay- but you might want to check it out.

edited to add: Thanks you've inspired me to finally figure out how to do multiple quotes! Kind of, ... I couldn't get it to work without getting your name in each quote box. ;-)

ScarlettOHara

Yes, it sounds like we do have a lot in common.

I almost feel like his best friend is one of our children and have that same urge of wanting to help/save him also. The best friend works in a restaurant/bar and that's a problem also because my son often goes there and sits at the bar. I went with him one time and had one margarita. The bartender asked me if I wanted another and I said, "Uhhh. No." because the one drink felt like it had three shots in it. I had to sit there another couple of hours drinking water and having dinner.



It could. They get along well, but he has to be responsible at work or this could be a big problem for him and no fun for my husband.

I had a glass of wine this week and totally didn't enjoy it. I told my husband we had to get all the alcohol out of our house.


Yes it will. One thought I had was that I'm glad he's still so young. I have seen the terrible things alcohol addiction does to a person's body physically. It isn't pretty.

Thank you.

haha When I quote one person and make it look like multi-quotes, other than hitting the initial quote button, I'm manually typing the begin quote codes and end quote codes. That's why there is no name in it after the initial quote segment. I type over 110wpm, so it's a quick process for me. :p

ScarlettOHara

Today's visit went somewhat better.

My son acknowledged he isn't going to be able to drink. Whether he'll be able to stick to this, I don't know. He said he wanted to do a program -- just not the 12 step program A.A. offers.

He seemed in decent spirits and his sister was able to visit him for two hours today -- she drove in from a couple of hours away. They're really close, so I know that probably made him feel a little happier.

He said he didn't really want to come home to stay, but he guesses he'll have to since he doesn't have a vehicle to drive. I just shook my head yes in agreement. He has no vehicle right now.

One thing I think he lied about today was when I told him someone had been in his apartment since we were in there cleaning it yesterday. He said nobody else has a key and acted like he didn't know who it could be. There was definitely someone in there since we had been in there and it wasn't apartment maintenance -- I could tell by things that were laying around that weren't there the day before. Anyway, I don't know what that was about but he didn't seem to want to say he knew who it was.

He said he should get an idea tomorrow as to how much longer he will be in the hospital.