LexieCat

It's a shame your son is uninterested in AA. Not only is it a terrific recovery program (it saved MY life), but there are numerous LGBT AA groups--especially in places like NY.

Do you have any idea what his objection is? Some people are under the (mistaken) impression that it is "religious"--which it is NOT. AA is a spiritual program, but the "spiritual awakening" referred to is a "change in personality sufficient to recover from alcoholism." I know many atheists and agnostics who are happily sober in AA. The "God stuff" really relates to any power greater than oneself--which could be the power of the universe or the power of the AA groups themselves. No belief in a deity required.

ScarlettOHara

Thanks Lexie. I thought it was due to it being religious, but he said today he could handle that part. He simply does not like the 12 steps. He said he didn't want to go around apologizing to people he had ever wronged.

I find it interesting he is objecting to that particular step. Everyone seems to like Brian and he genuinely has a good heart toward others. He was saying today how badly he felt for the people who are being brought into the hospital involuntarily. He said he thought they needed it -- he just feels badly for them and all the tears they shed coming in. He's even been talking to a lot of them and letting them vent to him.

Maybe he's just using the 12 steps as an issue as an excuse. We'll see if he looks for another program. Perhaps once he is assigned a psychiatrist outside of the hospital setting and sees that person for a while, he'll do better.

Oh -- and he's not in New York any longer. That's where he went to college. He's back in the South now. I have checked, however, and there are several LGBT AA groups which meet very nearby.

LexieCat

LOL,

Lots of people worry about that Step. The Steps are in order for a reason. By the time he gets there, he will know, with the guidance of a sponsor, whom he needs to make amends to. And it isn't just running around apologizing. It's deeper than that.

You might suggest that he keep an open mind and go to a few meetings. Nobody is going to force him to do anything he isn't ready to do. He might learn a few things and meet some good sober friends who can be a great source of support.

LadyInLimbo

Hi Scarlett,

I am so sorry about your son. I hope that you can get him to understand just how precious his life is, and how precious he is. Tell him regularly just how broken your Mama-heart would be, should he no longer be with you. Sometimes those of us who feel suicidal forget that we would be missed. Coming out of the hospital, he is going to be very vulnerable. The edge of that cliff is indescribable. I remember when I left the ER after my first attempt at 16; it was a wake-up call that life was going on without me. It made me think a great deal.

Sadly, there are very few resources out there for those who have survived a suicide attempt. I have found a website called metanoia very helpful. If you google it, it should be about the fourth result.

I was 23 when I had my last attempt. I came close this past Christmas. Stepping away from that ledge leaves you as weak as a newborn colt. Perhaps a support group for gay men and women, even if it's online? If you can find one in your area, that would probably be better. I sincerely hope that your son can step away from the alcohol, and remember how wonderful and unique he is.

Edit: I hope that my post didn't infer that you haven't done all you can to be there for him. It's a true blessing that your son is so loved by his parents.

Hevyn

Hello Scarlett.

So many helpful things have been said already - I just want to send you some love. My heartfelt sympathy for all that you've gone through. I'm so glad your son has a wonderful family who are helping him through this frightening time in his life - & it's so good you reached out for help and suggestions. I hope you'll feel a little relief from the anxiety by being here and talking about it.

ScarlettOHara

I will keep subtly suggesting things to him. I agree with you and understand everything you're saying. At 51, everything you're saying makes perfect sense. He's 23 and learning (I hope.)

I have wanted to tell him this a lot. I'm so glad you said this. I have refrained because I feel like I'm guilt tripping him, but my Mama-heart would be mostly destroyed if he were no longer with me. I love him so much. I was just thinking today of the damaged hearts he would leave behind. I lost a brother to a car accident and although I know he's in heaven, my heart weeps for him and he died when I was 21. I'm 51 now. Some people simply can't be replaced and I will miss him until I see him again.

I'm so worried about how vulnerable he will be coming out. He is offering up resistance to staying with us for a little while, but I think he will do it if we handle it in the right way.

Thank you. I will check that out.

I hope he can too because he is. Each of us is.

Oh no -- your post didn't infer that at all. I appreciate your honesty and support. I cannot describe to you how much both me and my husband love him. His sister loves him so much too. As do his friends. I hope he gets it and realizes how special he is.

Thank you.

I really do feel a lot of relief by sharing all of this and the responses have been so helpful to me. I have been mostly clueless with all of this and all of you have been a tremendous source of advice and information.

MsPINKAcres

adding my prayers & supportive thoughts of healing and comfort for all ~

pink hugs

ScarlettOHara

Thanks so much.


I don't want to make this about me, but I have been in such a funk for the past few days. I'm generally an upbeat and happy person. Life has been full of blessings lately until this happened. It really can be a helpless and sinking feeling. I can see why people give the advice to not let this consume me because it certainly is trying to do so.

Today isn't a visiting day, but my son may find out when he gets to leave the hospital. At least I have the comfort of knowing he's there voluntarily and hasn't left. I would get antsy in just 24 hours in that environment.

One of the doctors he saw in the hospital is supposed to be the best in town as far as addiction recovery is concerned. He isn't taking any new patients, but a friend who knows him recommended him (not knowing that, I suppose.) Anyway, the friend is going to call him and ask him if he can at least recommend someone who is good and specializes in patients with addictions.

dandylion

Dear Scarlett, I am not surprised that you feel low, right now. As a mother who has been through this kind of thing, I can say that when our children have a close call with peril--it feels like being kicked in the gut by a horse. And it can take us a little while to get our normal coping mechanisms back--but, you will. You will smile, again, after the dust from the crisis settles.

My suggestion?--make a grateful list--right now---1 or 2 minutes to remember what you have, right now, that you are blessed with.

Stay in the present---one day at a time.

sincerely, dandylion

ScarlettOHara

It sure does.

I'm feeling a little better today. I think it's because he's sounding better and more open to receiving help.

Thank you dandylion. I have so many things in my life to be joyful about and thank God for my blessings. The most important things are my relationship with God, my husband and two children, my 13 brothers and sisters and the fact I had such wonderful parents (may they R.I.P.) and a happy upbringing, and my pets. ha! Just thought of my friends. They won't appreciate I thought of them after the pets. My Golden Retriever is my soul mate. lol

Anyway, there's tons more and I know you didn't mean list my blessings here, but just typing that made me smile.


When my son called yesterday he said he hadn't talked to the doctor yet, so he didn't know when they were releasing him yet. They have asked him to do an intensive out patient therapy program. I believe he must meet at least three times a week from 9:30 to 2:30 each day at the hospital. He was very open to doing this, so that's good.

The worrisome thing about this is the hospital is only a couple of blocks away from his apartment. I hope he will still come home to stay with us for at least a couple of weeks upon being released. I will be worried sick if he's at the apartment on his own. By the way, lest y'all think I am -- I'm not acting like a basket case in front of my son. I have told him I would prefer him stay with us for a little while. He loves his independence though and has tons of friends.

Other good news is a good friend knows the psychiatrist in town who is supposedly best with dealing with addictions, etc. He wasn't taking new patients, but after talking to our friend he says he will take my son on as a patient.

Anyway, just an update.

I have been reading threads here to see what is going on with other people. I don't have much by way of advice because this is all new to me.

bigsombrero

Hi, alcoholic here speaking again:

My friend is in his early 30's, he's a good sober buddy and we've gone to some AA together. He went to treatment at a PRIDE Institute, he's gay and he said there are some specific issues that were addressed there that really worked for him. He's 1.5 years sober now and doing great. Just wanted to chime in that there are tons of options out there. There is hope. Your son is lucky to have a mother like you, I really applaud you for sharing the story and it's easy to see how much you love him by reading your posts. You seem a bit overwhelmed, my mom was too when I first was hospitalized and went to treatment. It can really be hard, but in my eyes you are doing everything right. It's just not easy! Rats, eh? Stay the course, stay positive. Have a good week!

ScarlettOHara

I'm glad you shared that as it makes me feel better. Great about your friend! I hope you're doing well also.

I went to visit his cat today and spent a couple of hours at his place cleaning and taking care of the cat. I've never owned a cat and he and his friends say the cat can be quite snazzy/not social at times. I must be the cat whisperer because the cat follows me everywhere I go when I'm there and if I sit down jumps up and curls into my lap.

Thanks for the encouragement!

LadyInLimbo

You're going to be in a caretaker position of sorts for a while. That takes a lot of energy, so you have to pay attention to how you are feeling as well. I don't think you're making it all about you. I think you are reacting the way a parent would in this situation.

Here's an example of making it all about you (figurative): When I attempted for the first time, my mom drank an entire bottle of wine, and then told the whole family she had done it, because my suicide attempt worried her so much. She never talked to me about what I did (though she did tell me once when I asked her how she'd feel if I did it that she'd "just go on with her life"...excellent visual I had after that). She did, however make sure the entire family knew just how much my act had pretty much disrupted her life.

All you are doing is expressing concern and asking for help. Like any good mother would do. I think that's awesome.

outonalimb

Scarlett...
So many wise words before me. I just want to say that I am so sorry to hear about your son's struggle and all of your heartache and worry.

I know you have alot going on right now but I urge you to give al anon a try as soon as you can. The alcohlic in my life is my exhusband but the program has literally saved my life and sanity. As the loved ones of alcoholic, we become just as sick as they are. Our thinking becomes distrorted trying to figure out how we can fix the alochlic or fix their problems and make it all better. I think the temptation to do so must be awfully strong as the mom of an alcoholic. Your love and caring can translate into enabling, however...and I know you don't want to enable or contribute to his diseasae.

I'm glad you found us here at SR. You're among friends...people who 'get it'.
Keep posting.
Keep reading...

Mary

wicked

Ever see a show called "my cat from hell"?
yes, the title is awful, but the show has taught me a lot about cats.
I think the cat knows a calming influence, someone who is sure of herself.
You are steady, and she knows it.


Also what LadyinLimbo and outonalimb said.

Beth

ScarlettOHara

Thank you. I haven't told my son how much the suicide attempt scared me because I feel like he's in a fragile place right now, but I can imagine were he successful I can't imagine getting through a single day for the rest of my life without feeling sad and heartbroken about it.

Thank you, Mary. I will check out Al anon. This place is really informative and I appreciate how helpful each of you are being.

ScarlettOHara

My son's social worker called me today to see if I had any questions. She talked to me for a while. I asked simple things like when she thinks he'll be able to go home, about psychologists she knew, etc. She thought it would be a good idea for him to get a counselor, but she said to wait on that until he finishes the outpatient program because it's very intensive.

She said they haven't told my son yet because of the way he's been responding, but AA is a requirement to participate in the intensive outpatient program. She said he's been gung ho about the outpatient program, but not so much about A.A. due to the 12 steps and the religious angle. She said she's explained to him people go to A.A. who aren't religious -- just as y'all have said here. I told her I thought he was just using that an an excuse because he didn't want to face giving up alcohol for the rest of his life. I explained to her what he said to me about hoping when he works his way through his depression possibly being able to have a glass of wine with dinner and things like that at some point in his life. I also told her I think he needs to not look at it that way and to make some shorter term goals for the condition he is in right now. She agreed with me on that part and says he needs to take things one day at a time for now.

As for when he gets to come home, she said they haven't decided yet. I think his responses to the A.A. suggestions may have something to do with that. Plus, I'm sure their cautious when someone has attempted to hurt/kill themselves.

I was honest with her and told her I, frankly, don't know what to say to him about some of these things because I have never dealt with a loved one with problems having to do with alcohol.

He has a two friends who are going to see him for visitation tonight. One of the friends sent me a message on Facebook saying she is so glad he is getting good help now and she and the other friend (a guy who is his best friend) are going to be very supportive of changes he needs to make in his life. She even said if I needed any help with anything or someone to talk to please let her know. So, that's a promising response from a couple of his friends.

Oh -- and the only other thing I asked the social worker about was the antidepressants. I wanted to know if this is something she thought would be long term or simply a tool as he goes through this process of (hopefully) recovery. She said it all depended on how he does and whether or not this cry for help is a one time event or he ends up having these same types of issues again.


One thing I am rather concerned about is the fact they put him on Lexapro and he's having issues with alcohol. I can't imagine the combination of the two would be a good thing.

ScarlettOHara

Missed your post, Beth. Thank you!

haha No, I have not seen that show. I need to because I'm no cat expert for sure! I am a pretty calm person. I don't know if it's because I grew up with 13 siblings or what -- but it takes a lot to rattle me. Plus, I love my son's cat and think he's so cute. He probably senses a friendly spirit.

The cat probably thinks it's Christmas. So far I've bought him a cute little bowl mat with a really funny/colorful cartoon cat on it and colorful fish around the edges, two bright blue (on the outer portion) stainless bowls for water and food, cat food, cat litter, three toys and tomorrow I'm taking him a new litter box, a pooper scooper and a mat to go under the box. The litter box he has right now is really shallow and he's able to kick stuff out of it a lot.

My son said the cat doesn't care for toys, but he sure plays with them when I give them to him. While I was cleaning the kitchen, the cat was rolling all over the floor with his new toys.

I saw in the pet store they have deodorized pails (like a diaper pail) where you can put the scooped poop. Once the bag fills up, it has a handle with a seal and you just tote it to the garbage. I would think that would be handy in an apartment situation.

I haven't bought the cat home because of my Golden Retriever. My Golden is not quite three and would love a playmate, but I don't think the cat would be amused. Plus, my 17 year old Shih Tzu is pretty senile acting these days and I don't even think he would notice if the cat was warning him away or trying to swat him.

Do all cats shed a lot? This cat really sheds tons. My Golden does also, but I under coat rake him every day and then brush him 10 minutes before our daily walks -- all of this outside. It really cuts down on dog hair in the house.

lillamy

Babe,

I don't have a single answer but I wanted to give you a big hug. Al-Anon, absolutely, but also consider seeing a counselor specializing in addiction together with your husband regardless of what the hospital offers/provides. Addiction is hell, plain and simple, and you two need to both take your plays from the same playbook

Your pain and fear is so tangible, friend. Hugs.

wicked

Cats love toys! If you get a chance try to see that show. It is on animal planet.
I am more of a dog person myself. miniature dachshund.

Yes, I think the long hair cats can shed as much your golden. But they like to be combed too, or they can learn.

My daughter had two cats with us in an apartment, and my Bissell picked up all the hair.

I am so glad you are caring for his cat. He sounds like an even tempered, lovely and loving cat.

13 siblings! eeeeeekkkk!

My daughter has a cat who will play catch and retrieve with a small bow, carrying it in her mouth and drop it at my daughters feet!

do you watch cesar milan? I love him too!
Jackson Galaxy is the cat guy.

Beth