First step
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First step
Well, after much prayer I broached the subject of my husband's alcohol habit/addiction to him this evening. (Even though the doctor had told me to wait and let them talk first.) We talked a couple of hours, and I found out this has been going on almost 38 years--since he could legally drink.
He actually thanked me for caring enough to notice, be concerned and talk to him about it. And he's going to talk to our doctor about how to get sober safely. (He said he would just go cold turkey, but after finding out how long this has been going on I asked him not to ~ there could be serious health risks.) His grandfather was a "sloppy" alcoholic and both brothers are pretty serious alcoholics as well. His reasoning for the tight grip he's kept on this--limiting the hours, being so careful etc. are somewhat due to how he remembers his grandfather, and fear of things getting as bad & out of control as it is with his older brothers.
I was scared to death and really expected a lot of denial and some backlash, but there was none of that. It was grace infused. Very. (When I tried to talk to him about his drinking a few years ago he was VERY defensive and it went badly with hurt feelings on both sides.)
I know this is just a start... but at least it IS a start.
I SO appreciate all the insight, wisdom and support shared here. It's been incredibly helpful for me and helped me make this tiny step forward.
He actually thanked me for caring enough to notice, be concerned and talk to him about it. And he's going to talk to our doctor about how to get sober safely. (He said he would just go cold turkey, but after finding out how long this has been going on I asked him not to ~ there could be serious health risks.) His grandfather was a "sloppy" alcoholic and both brothers are pretty serious alcoholics as well. His reasoning for the tight grip he's kept on this--limiting the hours, being so careful etc. are somewhat due to how he remembers his grandfather, and fear of things getting as bad & out of control as it is with his older brothers.
I was scared to death and really expected a lot of denial and some backlash, but there was none of that. It was grace infused. Very. (When I tried to talk to him about his drinking a few years ago he was VERY defensive and it went badly with hurt feelings on both sides.)
I know this is just a start... but at least it IS a start.
I SO appreciate all the insight, wisdom and support shared here. It's been incredibly helpful for me and helped me make this tiny step forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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A step in a positive direction is always good, congratulations.
Now for the reality part - don't let 'hope' and 'potential' cloud your reality. Only his actions will tell the true story.
Not to burst your bubbled - just wanting you to stay grounded and real.
Best of luck to you both. May it be one of the rare 'happy endings'.
Blessings,
C-OH Dad
Now for the reality part - don't let 'hope' and 'potential' cloud your reality. Only his actions will tell the true story.
Not to burst your bubbled - just wanting you to stay grounded and real.
Best of luck to you both. May it be one of the rare 'happy endings'.
Blessings,
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
I also don't want to be negative, but every time my partner and I spoke about his drinking in the past ended with a different reaction along the spectrum from him crying and saying he was done with drinking, through to intense rage and denial. Nothing ever became of the conversations until I left him. He's now quit.
I hope it doesn't come to that for you and that he truly means it.
Best of luck.
I hope it doesn't come to that for you and that he truly means it.
Best of luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by EnnuiStasis 
Well, after much prayer I broached the subject of my husband's alcohol habit/addiction to him this evening. (Even though the doctor had told me to wait and let them talk first.) We talked a couple of hours, and I found out this has been going on almost 38 years--since he could legally drink.
He actually thanked me for caring enough to notice, be concerned and talk to him about it. And he's going to talk to our doctor about how to get sober safely. (He said he would just go cold turkey, but after finding out how long this has been going on I asked him not to ~ there could be serious health risks.) His grandfather was a "sloppy" alcoholic and both brothers are pretty serious alcoholics as well. His reasoning for the tight grip he's kept on this--limiting the hours, being so careful etc. are somewhat due to how he remembers his grandfather, and fear of things getting as bad & out of control as it is with his older brothers.
I was scared to death and really expected a lot of denial and some backlash, but there was none of that. It was grace infused. Very. (When I tried to talk to him about his drinking a few years ago he was VERY defensive and it went badly with hurt feelings on both sides.)
I know this is just a start... but at least it IS a start.
I SO appreciate all the insight, wisdom and support shared here. It's been incredibly helpful for me and helped me make this tiny step forward.
He actually thanked me for caring enough to notice, be concerned and talk to him about it. And he's going to talk to our doctor about how to get sober safely. (He said he would just go cold turkey, but after finding out how long this has been going on I asked him not to ~ there could be serious health risks.) His grandfather was a "sloppy" alcoholic and both brothers are pretty serious alcoholics as well. His reasoning for the tight grip he's kept on this--limiting the hours, being so careful etc. are somewhat due to how he remembers his grandfather, and fear of things getting as bad & out of control as it is with his older brothers.
I was scared to death and really expected a lot of denial and some backlash, but there was none of that. It was grace infused. Very. (When I tried to talk to him about his drinking a few years ago he was VERY defensive and it went badly with hurt feelings on both sides.)
I know this is just a start... but at least it IS a start.
I SO appreciate all the insight, wisdom and support shared here. It's been incredibly helpful for me and helped me make this tiny step forward.
It sounds like he knows what the disease looks like but perhaps not what to do. If he reamins open to discussing it reasonably and wants help then I heard a good thing from a rehab counselor - AA is great support but someone needs treatment FIRST. If we had it to do over again we'd have gone that route.
What can you do? With an alcoholic who does not want to quit there ain't a damned thing. With one who does... I can only speak to our marriage but my wife is very thankful that I see alcoholism for what it is - a disease - and not a character flaw or lack of discipline.
As others have said, try to stay level if he resists rehab or treatment.... that addictive voice is very powerful and when it sees y'all cutting off it's lifeline it will sometimes scream bloody murder and fight like hell to keep a door cracked or window unlocked so it has a way to get to alcohol. He knows it is a problem and wants to deal with it... NOTHING happens before that so this is a huge step. Expect a two-steps forward, one step back progression. You don't undo a 30 year habit in 30 days... more like 30 months.
Progress, not perfection.... those are words that keep me sane (ish)
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 87
Thanks for all the input & perspectives. I am so new to this.
Though he didn't voice it before, he had already realized he has a problem and that it is affecting his health and sleep (which affects his ability to make a living) and was concerned. He had already made a switch from beer to hard liquor because of the specific effects of beer drinking, and because he was regularly going past his self-assigned limit. He's recently done some "test runs" of skipping a night (I didn't know!) or drinking less, and felt better... but also realized he hadn't been able to stay with one or two drinks more than two or three days. He'd even had a long talk with my xh when we were there for the holidays--not all specifically about alcohol, but about being men growing older, health issues, and wives who get fed up with the BS and leave if you're a stubborn ol' cuss.
No offense meant to any who believe otherwise, but I feel I was blessed to see the problem and choose to speak up at the right time ~ when he was prepared to hear and accept what I was saying. He had already realized there was a problem and was making stabs at doing things differently. (Just had a random mental visual of "the elephant in the room" and that saying about "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
) He had his knife, I just came in with a fork and some support. 
PohsFriend, I really don't see alcoholism as a character flaw or badness about a person. We have a strong alcohol addiction history in my family, just as my husband does. And I certainly have my own train-load of issues, even if drinking every day isn't one of them. With both of us being previously married, we went into this relationship understanding that both came with baggage & problems, and have tried to maintain a very respectful and caring atmosphere--being wary of codependency and other relationship killers.
One of the most distressing parts of our discussion was that he had absolutely no recall of complaining about our doctor talking to him about the drinking, which is the thing that really got my attention about this. His memory has been crap the last year. He did remember the doctor being concerned about his heart though ~ and asked what I knew about the relationship between alcohol and heart problems. (I'll have to read up on that--I was worried about his brain and liver.)
Though he didn't voice it before, he had already realized he has a problem and that it is affecting his health and sleep (which affects his ability to make a living) and was concerned. He had already made a switch from beer to hard liquor because of the specific effects of beer drinking, and because he was regularly going past his self-assigned limit. He's recently done some "test runs" of skipping a night (I didn't know!) or drinking less, and felt better... but also realized he hadn't been able to stay with one or two drinks more than two or three days. He'd even had a long talk with my xh when we were there for the holidays--not all specifically about alcohol, but about being men growing older, health issues, and wives who get fed up with the BS and leave if you're a stubborn ol' cuss.
No offense meant to any who believe otherwise, but I feel I was blessed to see the problem and choose to speak up at the right time ~ when he was prepared to hear and accept what I was saying. He had already realized there was a problem and was making stabs at doing things differently. (Just had a random mental visual of "the elephant in the room" and that saying about "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
) He had his knife, I just came in with a fork and some support. PohsFriend, I really don't see alcoholism as a character flaw or badness about a person. We have a strong alcohol addiction history in my family, just as my husband does. And I certainly have my own train-load of issues, even if drinking every day isn't one of them. With both of us being previously married, we went into this relationship understanding that both came with baggage & problems, and have tried to maintain a very respectful and caring atmosphere--being wary of codependency and other relationship killers.
One of the most distressing parts of our discussion was that he had absolutely no recall of complaining about our doctor talking to him about the drinking, which is the thing that really got my attention about this. His memory has been crap the last year. He did remember the doctor being concerned about his heart though ~ and asked what I knew about the relationship between alcohol and heart problems. (I'll have to read up on that--I was worried about his brain and liver.)
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It sounds like he's quite fortunate, you may have a trainload of issues but you sure sound like a well balanced and grounded person. That sure cant hurt.
Having that trainload is fine, it's the poor fools who think they have no issues that are crazy :-). Having issues, accepting them and working to mitigate them is pretty much what growing up is all about.
Keep reading and posting and keep that cool head, sounds like you are handling things awfully well. ...and on days when you don't, come vent it out and see that it's a well traveled road that you can navigate...
Hang in there
Having that trainload is fine, it's the poor fools who think they have no issues that are crazy :-). Having issues, accepting them and working to mitigate them is pretty much what growing up is all about.
Keep reading and posting and keep that cool head, sounds like you are handling things awfully well. ...and on days when you don't, come vent it out and see that it's a well traveled road that you can navigate...
Hang in there
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Well, I'm guessing this is going to sound like a weird dilemma. I'd been tracking my husband's alcohol intake before I spoke to him last night ~ so I'd have answers to my own questions/concerns and so I could refute accurately any arguments of "just two drinks" and such if that came up.
Sun. through Tues. were pretty light days... about 3-4 shots. It worked out that he'd just poured his first drink when I opened the conversation last night--about 3oz of vodka--and he didn't have any more afterward. Our agreement was that he would NOT stop the alcohol without medical supervision. Good grief ~ this is a 38 year habit! I noticed tonight that he didn't drink at all. As much as I'd like to be happy about that, I'm more concerned that he's going to try going cold turkey and just white knuckle it, which could have serious health implications.
He and the doctor have been friends for a very long time, and now I'm wondering if *this* is why the doc told me to wait for them to talk before I said anything? I know my husband is concerned about the implications an "out" alcohol (or any other type) problem could be for his career... but I'd like to think he has enough sense to not put that above his health. The doctor can be very helpful and discreet at the same time.
I wonder if he's intending to try to prove to himself (and me?) that he can do this on his own? Or am I just getting spastic for no good reason?
Everything I've read says that withdrawal from alcohol takes a harder hit on the body each time you white-knuckle then start drinking again, with each withdrawal being more dangerous--if not supervised and done intelligently. Straight up, I'm scared.
I had a close and dear relative die while trying to get sober unsupervised--and he was 15 years younger than my husband is now.
I guess I need to talk to him about this.
Sun. through Tues. were pretty light days... about 3-4 shots. It worked out that he'd just poured his first drink when I opened the conversation last night--about 3oz of vodka--and he didn't have any more afterward. Our agreement was that he would NOT stop the alcohol without medical supervision. Good grief ~ this is a 38 year habit! I noticed tonight that he didn't drink at all. As much as I'd like to be happy about that, I'm more concerned that he's going to try going cold turkey and just white knuckle it, which could have serious health implications.
He and the doctor have been friends for a very long time, and now I'm wondering if *this* is why the doc told me to wait for them to talk before I said anything? I know my husband is concerned about the implications an "out" alcohol (or any other type) problem could be for his career... but I'd like to think he has enough sense to not put that above his health. The doctor can be very helpful and discreet at the same time.
I wonder if he's intending to try to prove to himself (and me?) that he can do this on his own? Or am I just getting spastic for no good reason?
Everything I've read says that withdrawal from alcohol takes a harder hit on the body each time you white-knuckle then start drinking again, with each withdrawal being more dangerous--if not supervised and done intelligently. Straight up, I'm scared.
I had a close and dear relative die while trying to get sober unsupervised--and he was 15 years younger than my husband is now.
I guess I need to talk to him about this.
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No need for him to 'out' his problem. I'm assuming he has good insurance and all people need to know is that he had to take care of some medical issues. Nobody likes to pry deeper when you phrase it that way and it's nobody's business but his and yours.
The doc is a friend - maybe go see him sooner than later? It got so crazy around here while my beloved was trying to sober up that I literally hid drinks in creative places around the house and let her know where one was every two hours so I could go to work. ....that is crazy... WTF was I thinking?
Hang in there, sounds like you love him dearly and while that won't cure an alcoholic it sure doesn't hurt ;-)
The doc is a friend - maybe go see him sooner than later? It got so crazy around here while my beloved was trying to sober up that I literally hid drinks in creative places around the house and let her know where one was every two hours so I could go to work. ....that is crazy... WTF was I thinking?
Hang in there, sounds like you love him dearly and while that won't cure an alcoholic it sure doesn't hurt ;-)
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Thanks PohsFriend!
Always fun to tell the doc, "Hey, I didn't take your advice and now I need your help." Argh.
I figured you'd *get* this crazy dilemma. I almost suggested he have just a little nip last night. Then I thought--right now this (worry) is MY problem, not his. He was sleeping like a happy baby. Prayed about it, ate the last of my Cheetos and went to bed myself.
Maybe he just didn't want any last night, or needed to be clear-headed for something at work today. Darn those mind-reading skills I don't have!
I need to reassure him that he can maintain his privacy. He's an extremely private person. He's much more concerned about what other people think about him than I am about such things too. I figure if people don't like me "as is" ~ I'm sure they can find a door.
Something that made me laugh (ok, guffaw) out loud yesterday, but also made me wonder if he was going to try to just stop drinking on his own, was that he replaced my birthday Grand Marnier ~ with an announcement, "I will NOT drink this." Sweet gesture, but I'm not sure I want to just leave it sitting around for the next 3 months. At this point I'd much rather him drink it than start having seizures, go into a coma or have a heart attack...or worse.
Always fun to tell the doc, "Hey, I didn't take your advice and now I need your help." Argh.
I figured you'd *get* this crazy dilemma. I almost suggested he have just a little nip last night. Then I thought--right now this (worry) is MY problem, not his. He was sleeping like a happy baby. Prayed about it, ate the last of my Cheetos and went to bed myself.
Maybe he just didn't want any last night, or needed to be clear-headed for something at work today. Darn those mind-reading skills I don't have!
I need to reassure him that he can maintain his privacy. He's an extremely private person. He's much more concerned about what other people think about him than I am about such things too. I figure if people don't like me "as is" ~ I'm sure they can find a door.
Something that made me laugh (ok, guffaw) out loud yesterday, but also made me wonder if he was going to try to just stop drinking on his own, was that he replaced my birthday Grand Marnier ~ with an announcement, "I will NOT drink this." Sweet gesture, but I'm not sure I want to just leave it sitting around for the next 3 months. At this point I'd much rather him drink it than start having seizures, go into a coma or have a heart attack...or worse.
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