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Old 01-10-2013, 12:58 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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He broke it off with his girlfriend because he wants to focus on his sobriety.
She wants to sell up shop, move out of town & start a new life. She has no idea. She was not prepared to wait for him to seek sobriety first.
I hear you Marie & thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.
I need time to think.
He has contacted me today & said he was close to falling off the wagon lastnight but he fought it. I know it's early days.
He then thanked me for my support.
How can I turn my back?
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:33 PM
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I would not view it as turning my back on him, it's all about perspective, Rosie, I would see it as an opportunity for an adult man to take control of his own life. I would allow him the dignity to make some life choices for himself. Even in the animal kingdom the mother will cease to nurse her young, they have to learn to provide for themselves.

Rosie, I believe your kind heart is leading you astray...... AND most importantly you are TOO emotionally attached to be offering him any comfort. Gosh I wish I could just reach out and give you big, big hug of support.
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Old 01-10-2013, 02:37 PM
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Thanks Marie, I felt your hug.
Aexbf has reached out to his sister too so he is now including family members in his recovery.
I had a random thought today (before you mentioned the animal kingdom)which may make you laugh or not.
When I was a little girl I loved cats.
We had lots of wild ones around the neighborhood.
I spent my spare time taming wild cats & kittens, building up their trust & eventually they became tame & I kept them as pets & loved them forever.
Maybe I was born a codie lol.
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Old 01-10-2013, 02:51 PM
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If he is serious about sobriety he can go to AA and he will get plenty of support there.

He has hurt you enough times, I can't help but think this is another ploy to get back into your life. Please be careful!
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:09 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I would not view it as turning my back on him, it's all about perspective, Rosie, I would see it as an opportunity for an adult man to take control of his own life. I would allow him the dignity to make some life choices for himself. Even in the animal kingdom the mother will cease to nurse her young, they have to learn to provide for themselves.
This is so very well said! When I struggle with my codie control issues, I'm going to try to remember this post, thank you!
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:28 AM
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One of the things I have learned here and in Al-Anon is to trust my instincts. I usually end in a bad place when I ignore my instincts and try to 'think' my way through a decision.

It seems to me your instincts raised an alarm which is why you ended up posting your question here.

Your friend,
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:11 AM
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At one time, I thought I could help my husband with HIS recovery. When I look back, I have to shake my head about my own inflated ego. Reading a few books, reading some articles and attending alanon, did not make me expert or even remotely qualified.

I am loving and supportive (most of the time) but I now know to step back and allow him to figure this out on his own with people who truly understand or who are well educated on the subject.

I would no more want or need his "advice" to help me deal and work on my codependency. In fact, I think I would resent his efforts to even try!
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:53 AM
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Hey Rosie ? How are you today? Just want to check in with you and let you know i care and am thinking about you.
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:42 AM
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AA is where he can get support.
10 days of not drinking is nothing-he is not "sober" he just has not had alcohol for that time period.

Yes, you can turn your back on him, and that is exactly what you should do.
Trust me-nothing has changed after 10 days-and nothing probably will ever change.

Walk away.....please.
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:44 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Hi Marie
I'm fine.
I am hosting my party this evening & it is a beautiful hot sunny day here.
Today I will focus on myself & my recovery party. (not that people know it is a recovery party ha ha).
I am not nervous about hosting a party on my own, I am excited. I will push my personal boundaries & work on my confidence.

I am still in touch with xabf (not face to face) & I still have some thinking to do.

I know it's early days for him, I know he needs to do it for himself, I know it won't be easy for him. He has only ever done 2 weeks sober so this is crucial time. I know his path is hard & long & may or maynot be successful.

I have come so far in the past few months & my recovery continues also.
Being surrounded by sunshine, good friends & laughter is a good place to be.

Thank you for caring Marie, its much appreciated.
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Old 01-11-2013, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Rosiepetal View Post
I want to see him succeed in sobriety. It is very early days.
I feel that all people need friends at difficult times in their lives.
I have spent the past 3 1/2 months learning about alcoholism & understand it better now.
I don't want to be the caretaker, he has to do it for himself.
I don't want to jump back into a relationship, I want to continue to work on my own recovery while being a supportive friend & take it from there.
My boundaries:
See the red flags when they're there & don't let my boundaries down.
If his recovery is affecting my recovery then I must step aside to put myself first.
Let him do the hard work on his recovery & don't step in to save him, just encourage & listen & offer good advice.
If I feel to emotionally involved I must step away.
I am not going to be a go between for him & his new/ex gf.
I'm still working on list of boundaries.
This was me after my AH left and divorced me, then he got drunk 9 months later and I run to see him, Now 2 years later I can see it much better...I still had the illusion of control, of some power over him, at the time the feeling was just to be nice and to be there for my axh of 17 years....No it doesn't work that well, I know deep in my heart that any attempt to contact him will be a mistake and I will have to go back to Step 1.....and it hurts way too much..
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Old 01-11-2013, 01:40 PM
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I am so sorry & thank you for sharing that story, that gives me even more to think about.
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Old 01-11-2013, 01:44 PM
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Rosie, are you thinking he will be sober forever????
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:21 PM
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I have no expectations.
He has a good mindset this time though.
I can't see the future, I can only live in the present & at present all I am doing is offering encouragement & information, very similar to what I do here on SR.
He is day 12 today, has swollen glands & is resting. He's been reading under the influence.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:19 PM
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Rosie, He doesn't need you to get sober AND stay sober. That is HIS desire, fight, loss, success.

Rosie, I quit smoking 2 weeks ago. No matter what, my husband can not make me smoke. Only I can do that. Just like only he can fall off the wagon. We have choices in life Rosie and he alone will make his no matter what you say or do for him. At the end of the day, it's his choice just like it's my choice to smoke or not.

Personally, I would walk away. I wouldn't invest anymore time in this. He has friends and family and support out there. You are not his end all, be all. Sometimes, you have to weed the friendship garden and this is a weed I would rip out and lay in the sun and run the mower over.
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