Advice?
 

My exabf & I have been in contact. He is now sober 10 days. I have lent an ear & offered good advice, book recommendations & directed him to SR.
I have made it clear I will offer support as a friend only as i am still in my own recovery. He has just broken up with his girlfriend so he can put his sobriety first. I wish the best for him.
Am I crazy for wanting to see him succeed in sobriety?
I know this is dangerous for my recovery but I am setting boundaries & will pull out if it threatens my recovery as I value myself the most.
This weekend is the weekend of my long planned party. It was planned to give me focus, something to look forward to & to push myself to achieve further self confidence & increase my social circle.
I am very excited & looking forward to it.

Is the same bf that threatened to burn your house down??

Why yes.
I guess that's a yes to crazy then lol.
That was the alcoholic not the sober person.

Hi Rosie,
I don’t think you are crazy for wanting someone to have health and sobriety.
I don’t know your history, but since this is your ex Im sure there have been issues. That is an even greater act of compassion.
If you have set healthy boundaries and can maintain them, then you should be fine. Do you think you can do this?

Thanks, I would like to offer my friendship & support & I feel strong enough to get out if it's too much for me.

I usually have a motive in my attempts to "help" - that are hard to figure out sometimes. Search deep and be honest with yourself. You have come so far to step back into that pain.

Either way, we will support your decisions and be here for you! Sometimes even mistakes can be great learning lessons.

Thank you lovemenow I appreciate your support.

No it is not crazy to give a helping a hand. Everyone should do so for another.
What makes it crazy is when it effects you.
I would feel the same about ah if we seperated regardless of prior experiences
Or future ones....I would wish the best.

Hi Honey, well it puts you in the line of fire doesn't it.

Two people in recovery certainly is a relationship that can be thick with co dependency.

10 days sober is wonderful, and just a drop in the bucket.

Rosie, what are your boundries around all of this? I ask because Im curious.

Be careful and clear.

Sending you both a :ghug3

Imo, this is one very slippery slope, that I personally would stay away from. I don't think that you are crazy, however, you are only about a month into your own recovery and I sense you are doing this because he has broken up with his girlfriend and you want to jump back in and save him, be his main squeeze again. Thinking that if he is clean/sober
and not hooked up with the GF, everything will be A-ok between the two of you. My experience tells me, that's not how it works.

Just my thoughts, hope this all pans out as you want it to. My best...Dolly

Sadly, I have learned recovery is very, very difficult and ten days is- as PP said- a mere drop in the bucket.

When my son got out of rehab, we discussed at length how he needed to work on his sobriety and stay away from his girlfriend (who he hadn't seen or talked to for 7 months). He didn't listen- of course - and only managed to stay sober a few weeks. I think girlfriend drama/issues played a part in it.

I don't know you're whole story, but I think you have kids, right? Just be careful exposing them to more instability with this guy.

Its time for you to be selfish and take care of yourself and your family.

I understand why you hope the best for him.

I too question if there is an underlying motive for you that there may be hope for the relationship. In my experience to have a healthy relationship with an ex that is a friendship it takes about a year away from each other for the relationship to reconfigure into something different than what it was.

Be careful and look after yourself!

Rosiepetal, I have two reactions to your questions.

Is that the same bf that tried to burn your house down?

Why yes.
I guess that's a yes to crazy then lol.
That was the alcoholic not the sober person.

The alcoholic IS the "sober person". There are not 2 separate people here; all that has happened is he has momentarily removed alcohol from the mix. We can all hope, and we do, that this will permanent, but his body hasn't even fully detoxed yet. He will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, whether he drinks or not.

His bad behavior will not disappear because he has stopped drinking; his emotional and intellectual framework are, after 10 days, still almost exactly the same as they were when he was drinking. It will take weeks, months, and years of faithfully working the 12 steps to come to the deep realizations and ownership of what he's done that is necessary for him to truly change.

My other thought is asking you to think about what emotions are behind your actions. You don't need to tell us, but it may help you sort out why you are inclined to get involved with this man who frightened you and treated you so badly.

For myself, I have found that often when I feel magnanimous, ready to help someone else with my generosity, it often comes back and bites me. I have thought about why that happens to me, and I think it is because my initial motives aren't pure, and I have some stake in the gesture that I'm not admitting, I am trying to give something I don't really have, and it has strings on it that I don't understand.

I'd go back and read your prior posts here on SR and see if you can connect that what your own stake in his recovery may be.

If it were me, I'd keep on the no contact path and let him find his own resources toward recovery, and be able to take pride in his own resourcefulness and have the dignity of owning his own path. I'd focus on your own fledgling recovery for you and your kids.

Like Dollydo, this sounds like a very slippery slope. Just my opinion, take what you want, leave the rest.

Truly I hope this works out well for you! I still have a bit of a bitter attitude so please excuse me for if I come across that way! Be strong and stick to your boundaries! Work on yourself and stay on track! Typically I feel Dollydo can be a little blunt (not a bad thing) but I really have to agree with her! I certainly understand where you are and your feeling but based on my experience w/my XABF this was always the case and each time I was heartbroken!

Rosiepetal,

I don't think that you are crazy for wanting him to succeed in his recovery, but I think "being there" for him is dangerous to your mental health. He has proven himself, to be very nasty and manipulative. I want the best (concerning his sobriety) for my STBXAH, I just don't need/want to be there for that to happen. I know that any personal contact with him is a bad idea.

If he truly wants sobriety, he can seek it (which obviously he has) and work through it on his own.

I think that shooting star has a great suggestion, to go back and reread some of your older SR posts.

I would be leery, that he will try to suck you back in (familiarize yourself with the "hoovering" if you have not already).

I see a lot of red flags & potential problems in this too, definitely slippery slope. Really sounds like he's wanting to lean on you again now that things in his life are uncertain. (only 10 days sober, GF just left)

I don't think there's anything crazy or wrong about wanting to see him get healthy & sober, but I'd keep a good distance so that you don't get enmeshed in his issues. I think Shooting Star was right on about going back & re-reading your old posts. It's always great insight for me!

I want to see him succeed in sobriety. It is very early days.
I feel that all people need friends at difficult times in their lives.
I have spent the past 3 1/2 months learning about alcoholism & understand it better now.
I don't want to be the caretaker, he has to do it for himself.
I don't want to jump back into a relationship, I want to continue to work on my own recovery while being a supportive friend & take it from there.
My boundaries:
See the red flags when they're there & don't let my boundaries down.
If his recovery is affecting my recovery then I must step aside to put myself first.
Let him do the hard work on his recovery & don't step in to save him, just encourage & listen & offer good advice.
If I feel to emotionally involved I must step away.
I am not going to be a go between for him & his new/ex gf.
I'm still working on list of boundaries.

After reading your responses it seems I have some soul searching to do.
This weekend is about me as I am hosting a party which I planned early on in recovery to help me.
I will be amongst great friends, most of whom know nothing about exabf but there will be laughter & good times had.
Perhaps that's just what I need to help me see things clearly & for what they are & then I can reassess from there.
Thank you SR friends, I value your input.

Oh Rosie, because I truly care about you, and friends are sometimes brutally honest with each other.

You are seriously compromising yourself here. This could/will lead to negative consequences for you. This guy is all over the place, so the GF tired of his BS and now he is contacting YOU, really???? as a friend???? He's reeling you in, hook, line and sinker. He is using you for his own selfish needs. Oh, let me guess he dumped her this time????

I know you are an adult capable of making your own choices, but slow down a bit and really THINK about this situation. We both know this is not healthy for you. You cannot save him, fix him, mold him, or change him....... let him figure it out for himself .

You and your kids do not need a guy with gang connections in your life. Go easy, my friend