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Remind me why I should let this go

Old 12-12-2012, 08:38 AM
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Remind me why I should let this go

I am pretty overwhelmed with all the drama my family of origin has created in my life in the past month. Threatening my kids well being and my mothering is too much-- anyway, all my siblings took the time to send me messages telling me how hateful I am and how awful I have been to my abusive mother (I'm abusive because I set a boundary and told her I would no longer see her at her home because I do not feel safe there after being barricaded from leaving and my children locked out of her home). So, my siblings sent me a collective message that was ended with "we don't want you to think we are alienating you but we are all choosing to take a break from facebook but please don't think we are blocking you". Obviously it doesn't take a genius to realize that's exactly what they are doing. I confirmed it with a mutual friend and it is gnawing at me to want to call them all out on lying to me.

I don't care that they unfriend or block me one bit but I DO care that they went out of their way to lie and say they were not doing that. I guess that makes them feel better to lie?

My gut reaction is that calling any of them out on their lies and actions is just going to cause more trouble. It is really eating at me though that they all lied to me and actually seem to think that I am stupid enough to not see what they are doing.

Why does this matter so much to me?
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:45 AM
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Your family sounds like enablers and no offense unhealthy for you.
0erhapse seperation even though it was their idea is best.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Why does this matter so much to me?
Ah, the million dollar question. Unfortunately, only you can answer it. Just guessing, but maybe there is a part of you that fears they are right and wants to prove otherwise. (Not saying they are right, specifically saying you have a *fear* they are, that's all.)

Do you have a therapist to help sort these things out? I found an insightful third party invaluable in digging through my insecurities and fears.

L
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:52 AM
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I'm so sorry WTTBH you're going through this, you've been through enough. Maybe treat them like we say about the alcoholic "don't go to the hardware store looking for bread" treat this situation the same way. Find people who will come along side and be a help to you and a comfort.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:00 AM
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Yes I have a therapist and I know objectively that just as arguing about xAH's lying did no good, it will never serve me well to confront my family.

Growing up and even as an adult I was painted as the bad one-- didn't matter that I was a great student, good kid, good athlete-- my mother hated me. She's BPD and painted me as the "black" kid and my sister as the saint and my siblings grew up being told and therefore believing that I was the cause of all problems in the family. I caused my father to cheat, to leave my mom, etc...

I rekindled a relationship with her as an adult thinking she was able to be sane. When I did not accept her offer to "destroy" xAH in court by lying and doing whatever it took to in her words "destroy" him, she turned on me and within days, so too did my siblings.

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that grown adults (my mom and siblings) can all live in such dysfunctional/dishonest ways.

I am trying to maintain some relationship with them bc they all claim to care about my D's and don't want me to "punish" the girls by keeping them from my family. But more and more, having any contact at all with my family is just toxic and my D's don't particularly seem to miss any connection with my family...

Just so tired of the dysfunction and drama. It is time for me to move far away from my state.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:12 AM
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People are entitled to their own reality, no matter how f'ed up and wrong it may be! We are entitled to say we don't share that same reality and can no longer be a part of it.

My family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. I have to maintain a certain distance from it or it sucks me back in, and I hate that place. My Mom is bi-polar with psychotic tendencies...I have to draw a hard line at being a part of her madness.

Hang in there, wtbh. Spend your time and energy on people who truly care about you.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:16 AM
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Unhealthy people always resent and/or dislike healthy people. Healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick.

I am sure this is painful to feel so ganged up on. It might even put some self doubt in you or trigger feelings of rejection. However, given what you described as your family dynamics, I would take it as a sign of my healthiness is shining too bright for their sickness.

Keep shining bright and focus on your healthy relationships.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:17 AM
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To WTBH

Yes, it is so hard to face that we cannot have that idyllic relationship with family, and I do relate to you feeling so responsible/wrong/the bad one, etc. If you can focus on your health and sobriety, and good times with your daughters, you will build a worthwhile new life.

Go easy on yourself most of all, and let the holidays pass with some deep breathing and self-love.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:23 AM
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Remind me why I should let this go

Well, how about because just because toxic people happen to be related to you is no reason why you owe them any more consideration you would give a stranger who is toxic. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our family members, but we sure as heck can choose to leave them to their own toxicity and not allow them to treat us like crap.

I am VERY choosy about who I allow to see my facebook page. No one, even family, automatically has access to ways to upset me or mine.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:43 AM
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I have recently worked on some 4th step work with my sponsor & it reveal some still lingering desires for my exah to admit that he lied to himself & many people about me & my actions during our divorce ~ these are things that happened over 4 yrs ago ~

For me, I discovered that it was a part of my nature wanting people to "know" the truth ~ my sponsor reminded me that I KNOW the truth, my HP knows the truth and that's really all that matters ~

when those feelings of doubt and need of validation & justification arise to remind myself ~ I answer to no one other than my own self-worth & my HP ~

Everyone is going to believe what they want anyway ~

More will be reveal as time continues ~ Life has a funny way of revealing the truth to many things as the story is played out ~

But even if it never does ~ again YOU & YOUR HP are truly aware of your serenity, sanity and that your side of the street is safe & clean ~

Try to stay calm in those reassurances ~ it has helped me from trying to beat a "dead horse"

Peace & pink hugs to you ~
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:03 AM
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I just can't wrap my head around the fact that grown adults (my mom and siblings) can all live in such dysfunctional/dishonest ways.
WTBH, ((((hugs))))

Actually I can. All I have to do is look at my own behavior when I still lived with my AW. It was totally dysfunctional and dishonest. I covered and lied for her to protect her and was drowning in the deep end of the codie pool.

To be honest, the current me wouldn't have anything to do with the old me. I was way too toxic.

Your friend,
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:26 AM
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Also to answer your original question on why you should let it go.

For me it is simply to have my own piece of mind. As they say in the rooms holding on to a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

Sending you strength and compassion and love.

Your friend,
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:28 AM
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I go back and forth between feeling distanced from their craziness and feeling the need to tell them all where to go. When I'm getting ratcheted up into the craziness, I cut contact as much as possible.

Maybe instead of seeing this as a rejection, you can reframe this as them doing you the favor of not having to invest the time and energy into going no contact with them.

Thanks, fam, for saving WTBH the trouble!
(*grumble grumble* ***holes *grumble grumble*)
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:32 AM
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I think sitting down with her is a great idea...may I add that though I do not know yall exact situation if she agrees and wants help ...dont wait if possible. Get her into a program as quick as possible and if she doesnt agree ask her if she will go to a meeting with you?
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:34 AM
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Oops wrong post. Sorry guys. Out here shaking from the cold.
Hehe.im a dumb dumb
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