Engaged...he lies constantly about his drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
I know there are a lot of my issues that factor in why I want it to work, why I don't want to accept that he is choosing to walk away from me. Just one more person in my life that would rather leave than be a part of my life.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Seejay...sending big hugs.
Your fiance i telling you who he is. I wish my exah had given me the same courtesy. My exah always told me what I wanted to hear...that he would quit...that he would change...that he knew he could do it...but his actions always said something different. The only thing I can really suggest is that you educate yourself as much as possible about the DISEASE of addiction. you're fiance is an alcoholic/addict. he's doing what addicts and alcoholics do. you could be the greatest, most beautiful, most loving, kind, generous, sexy, intelligent and bravest woman on this planet and he would still choose alcohol or drugs. It's NOT a reflection on you. It's a symptom of his disease.
You can't fix him...or save him...
You can only fix yourself.
Said with love and understanding...
Your fiance i telling you who he is. I wish my exah had given me the same courtesy. My exah always told me what I wanted to hear...that he would quit...that he would change...that he knew he could do it...but his actions always said something different. The only thing I can really suggest is that you educate yourself as much as possible about the DISEASE of addiction. you're fiance is an alcoholic/addict. he's doing what addicts and alcoholics do. you could be the greatest, most beautiful, most loving, kind, generous, sexy, intelligent and bravest woman on this planet and he would still choose alcohol or drugs. It's NOT a reflection on you. It's a symptom of his disease.
You can't fix him...or save him...
You can only fix yourself.
Said with love and understanding...
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Earthworm 
It's addiction and alcoholism Seejay3 it really has nothing to do with us. We aren,t any less people because they choose a drug or a bottle over us.
your A will keep you HOSTAGE until things change...the alcoholism will not change until HE changes....you get what you get..PERIOD...
whats your gut telling YOU?
your feelings have been validated....and i was wondering about ur boundaries...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Seejay - You are in effect asking a cat to be a fish, or a dog to be an airplane. An active addict will not change themselves to be anyone other than what they are.
Its not that he would rather leave, sounds like he would rather stay. It is you who is saying I can't live like this.
Hugs to you SeeJay you sound like a really sweet, loving person and you deserve more. Much more.
Its not that he would rather leave, sounds like he would rather stay. It is you who is saying I can't live like this.
Hugs to you SeeJay you sound like a really sweet, loving person and you deserve more. Much more.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
My point is as we get stronger in ourselves and realize their choices have nothing to do with us even though they want us to believe that we won,t internalize it as badly and personalize it.
Originally Posted by seejay3
Knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Seejay...
Its very difficult to wake up to the reality of addiction, and that yes indeed, alcohol comes first. Or more like-alcohol is the only thing that matters. Its baffling & confusing. Its not personal yet it feels so very personal. Whoever challenges his addiction, he will consider an enemy.
I also wanted to go "above and beyond" and be the superwoman who was able to do it all and put major efforts... I could surely save my XABF! HAH! of course not, no one is that powerful. It was very obvious with XABF. Whoever enabled his drinking was welcome, any one else was out of his life.
I also saw the human being beyond it all and started thinking that person would "come back". He didn't. He was less and less, who he was when we met. "Why?" - well, now with some distance (4 years out) - I see the reason - I needed to hit my own rock bottom and realize my depression/codependency are real issues. His sickness was just a mirror, how he abandoned himself and abandoned his family.. I was doing the same thing, only in different ways, only it was not as obvious. I looked and felt like a ghost.
In therapy I learned I was just trying to get crumbs of love. I got crumbs of love when I grew up. I know my parents did their best, but for me it felt like crumbs. I have been trying to compensate or keep "working hard" for that love & affection I needed and did not have for years.
If he is not able to provide love for you or for the kids its because he has no love for himself. We can't give what we don't have. It has nothing to do with YOU. Time to focus on how you (and the kids) can heal. You deserve it, you deserve so much more than this.
Its very difficult to wake up to the reality of addiction, and that yes indeed, alcohol comes first. Or more like-alcohol is the only thing that matters. Its baffling & confusing. Its not personal yet it feels so very personal. Whoever challenges his addiction, he will consider an enemy.
I also wanted to go "above and beyond" and be the superwoman who was able to do it all and put major efforts... I could surely save my XABF! HAH! of course not, no one is that powerful. It was very obvious with XABF. Whoever enabled his drinking was welcome, any one else was out of his life.
I also saw the human being beyond it all and started thinking that person would "come back". He didn't. He was less and less, who he was when we met. "Why?" - well, now with some distance (4 years out) - I see the reason - I needed to hit my own rock bottom and realize my depression/codependency are real issues. His sickness was just a mirror, how he abandoned himself and abandoned his family.. I was doing the same thing, only in different ways, only it was not as obvious. I looked and felt like a ghost.
In therapy I learned I was just trying to get crumbs of love. I got crumbs of love when I grew up. I know my parents did their best, but for me it felt like crumbs. I have been trying to compensate or keep "working hard" for that love & affection I needed and did not have for years.
If he is not able to provide love for you or for the kids its because he has no love for himself. We can't give what we don't have. It has nothing to do with YOU. Time to focus on how you (and the kids) can heal. You deserve it, you deserve so much more than this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
I talked to a friend's mom, she stayed with her AH. He has been sober 15ish years. I asked her, if she had to do it over, knowing that in the end she'd have the relationship they did now, would she go through it all again? She said she wished she'd been strong enough to leave and she would NEVER go through it again and stay, she would NOT risk the health of her children again.
Tomorrow I will be talking to my AF and tell him I will be moving into my house alone with my children. I'm kinda scared. He has never been violent towards me but this will be my idea, my initiating the end, I can't see how this will go good. I guarantee there will be yelling and screaming from him I just hope I can handle it right and stay in control without breaking down too much.
It sucks how much you can love someone and knowing they will never be able to see through the alcoholic haze they stay engulfed in to really love and cherish me.
For my children. I will remember this. And really, for me too.
Tomorrow I will be talking to my AF and tell him I will be moving into my house alone with my children. I'm kinda scared. He has never been violent towards me but this will be my idea, my initiating the end, I can't see how this will go good. I guarantee there will be yelling and screaming from him I just hope I can handle it right and stay in control without breaking down too much.
It sucks how much you can love someone and knowing they will never be able to see through the alcoholic haze they stay engulfed in to really love and cherish me.
For my children. I will remember this. And really, for me too.
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