Engaged...he lies constantly about his drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
Engaged...he lies constantly about his drinking.
I've been with him three years. Living together 6 months. He has three kids, I have three, four live with us full time. I knew he drank, I knew it was a bit. I just didn't know HOW it controls his life until he and I became we. Moved in together in May started seeing problems in June. I paid for everything in June, everything. The first talk was in July.
His beverage of choice? Just beer. A LOT OF BEER. He doesn't ever show he's been drinking. He doesn't get loud, he doesn't get goofy, he doesn't get mean. He has more of a temper, less patience and sexual side affects when he is drinking though.
I am buying a house, I talked to him the end of September telling him I wasn't going to support him so he could support his drinking. He will buy beer before paying truck payment, cell phone, groceries, helping with rent etc. He said he was going to try, that his goal was to get to 12 a week by the end of October. That came and went. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I kept a drawer filled with candy and for the first few weeks he really was showing progress. Then it went the other direction. His drinking has increased greatly again. Whereas it started at maybe 9-10 a night (starting at 5 until 10). Weekends were A LOT more, easily a couple 24 packs in a weekend. He got down to about 3 a night, progress.
Early November I asked him why? and what I could do. He said he was doing great!!! Receipts show differently. He is buying about a six pack a day and that doesn't count any purchases paid with cash.
He lies to me constantly, hides it. I'm tired of it. I'm angry. When I've asked if he had to choose between me and drinking, although he just proposed he would leave to keep drinking.
Tonight, I asked him if he would consider trying the non-alcoholic for the month, he said sure. He bought a six-pack this morning (of course I wasn't supposed to know). Then when I was with him bought a 6-pack non alcoholic. Then just now, he came home and hid a case. I just don;t know what to do. I am supposed to close on the house next week. It's just before the holidays and I just don't know what to do.
His beverage of choice? Just beer. A LOT OF BEER. He doesn't ever show he's been drinking. He doesn't get loud, he doesn't get goofy, he doesn't get mean. He has more of a temper, less patience and sexual side affects when he is drinking though.
I am buying a house, I talked to him the end of September telling him I wasn't going to support him so he could support his drinking. He will buy beer before paying truck payment, cell phone, groceries, helping with rent etc. He said he was going to try, that his goal was to get to 12 a week by the end of October. That came and went. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I kept a drawer filled with candy and for the first few weeks he really was showing progress. Then it went the other direction. His drinking has increased greatly again. Whereas it started at maybe 9-10 a night (starting at 5 until 10). Weekends were A LOT more, easily a couple 24 packs in a weekend. He got down to about 3 a night, progress.
Early November I asked him why? and what I could do. He said he was doing great!!! Receipts show differently. He is buying about a six pack a day and that doesn't count any purchases paid with cash.
He lies to me constantly, hides it. I'm tired of it. I'm angry. When I've asked if he had to choose between me and drinking, although he just proposed he would leave to keep drinking.
Tonight, I asked him if he would consider trying the non-alcoholic for the month, he said sure. He bought a six-pack this morning (of course I wasn't supposed to know). Then when I was with him bought a 6-pack non alcoholic. Then just now, he came home and hid a case. I just don;t know what to do. I am supposed to close on the house next week. It's just before the holidays and I just don't know what to do.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
I don/t know. You have to do what is best for you.
QUOTE=seejay3;3697584]I've been with him three years. Living together 6 months. He has three kids, I have three, four live with us full time. I knew he drank, I knew it was a bit. I just didn't know HOW it controls his life until he and I became we. Moved in together in May started seeing problems in June. I paid for everything in June, everything. The first talk was in July.
His beverage of choice? Just beer. A LOT OF BEER. He doesn't ever show he's been drinking. He doesn't get loud, he doesn't get goofy, he doesn't get mean. He has more of a temper, less patience and sexual side affects when he is drinking though.
I am buying a house, I talked to him the end of September telling him I wasn't going to support him so he could support his drinking. He will buy beer before paying truck payment, cell phone, groceries, helping with rent etc. He said he was going to try, that his goal was to get to 12 a week by the end of October. That came and went. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I kept a drawer filled with candy and for the first few weeks he really was showing progress. Then it went the other direction. His drinking has increased greatly again. Whereas it started at maybe 9-10 a night (starting at 5 until 10). Weekends were A LOT more, easily a couple 24 packs in a weekend. He got down to about 3 a night, progress.
Early November I asked him why? and what I could do. He said he was doing great!!! Receipts show differently. He is buying about a six pack a day and that doesn't count any purchases paid with cash.
He lies to me constantly, hides it. I'm tired of it. I'm angry. When I've asked if he had to choose between me and drinking, although he just proposed he would leave to keep drinking.
Tonight, I asked him if he would consider trying the non-alcoholic for the month, he said sure. He bought a six-pack this morning (of course I wasn't supposed to know). Then when I was with him bought a 6-pack non alcoholic. Then just now, he came home and hid a case. I just don;t know what to do. I am supposed to close on the house next week. It's just before the holidays and I just don't know what to do.[/QUOTE]
I don/t know. You have to do what is best for you.
QUOTE=seejay3;3697584]I've been with him three years. Living together 6 months. He has three kids, I have three, four live with us full time. I knew he drank, I knew it was a bit. I just didn't know HOW it controls his life until he and I became we. Moved in together in May started seeing problems in June. I paid for everything in June, everything. The first talk was in July.
His beverage of choice? Just beer. A LOT OF BEER. He doesn't ever show he's been drinking. He doesn't get loud, he doesn't get goofy, he doesn't get mean. He has more of a temper, less patience and sexual side affects when he is drinking though.
I am buying a house, I talked to him the end of September telling him I wasn't going to support him so he could support his drinking. He will buy beer before paying truck payment, cell phone, groceries, helping with rent etc. He said he was going to try, that his goal was to get to 12 a week by the end of October. That came and went. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I kept a drawer filled with candy and for the first few weeks he really was showing progress. Then it went the other direction. His drinking has increased greatly again. Whereas it started at maybe 9-10 a night (starting at 5 until 10). Weekends were A LOT more, easily a couple 24 packs in a weekend. He got down to about 3 a night, progress.
Early November I asked him why? and what I could do. He said he was doing great!!! Receipts show differently. He is buying about a six pack a day and that doesn't count any purchases paid with cash.
He lies to me constantly, hides it. I'm tired of it. I'm angry. When I've asked if he had to choose between me and drinking, although he just proposed he would leave to keep drinking.
Tonight, I asked him if he would consider trying the non-alcoholic for the month, he said sure. He bought a six-pack this morning (of course I wasn't supposed to know). Then when I was with him bought a 6-pack non alcoholic. Then just now, he came home and hid a case. I just don;t know what to do. I am supposed to close on the house next week. It's just before the holidays and I just don't know what to do.
[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Hello,
So sorry you’re going through this. I think my ex-abf and my story is so like yours. He would drink and I knew it before we lived together but then after three months into living together the truth came out. He didn’t just drink but he drank 24 – 36 beers a night. Only beer and now that we are broken up I cannot stand the smell or the sound of a can being open. On top of he would buy beer but never pay his bills. That sounds so similar of what you said about yours. Without getting into my story I can relate to what you’re going through and feel for you.
All I can say is brace yourself and read all you can here on SR and get to Alanon when you can. It will help you and right now that can give you answers for yourself. I am still working through my break up but getting on this forum has saved me with my feelings and seeing I’m not alone.
Keep posting and I hope your taking care of you.
So sorry you’re going through this. I think my ex-abf and my story is so like yours. He would drink and I knew it before we lived together but then after three months into living together the truth came out. He didn’t just drink but he drank 24 – 36 beers a night. Only beer and now that we are broken up I cannot stand the smell or the sound of a can being open. On top of he would buy beer but never pay his bills. That sounds so similar of what you said about yours. Without getting into my story I can relate to what you’re going through and feel for you.
All I can say is brace yourself and read all you can here on SR and get to Alanon when you can. It will help you and right now that can give you answers for yourself. I am still working through my break up but getting on this forum has saved me with my feelings and seeing I’m not alone.
Keep posting and I hope your taking care of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Page 31, Alcoholics Anonymous:
"Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum."
Hope this helps a bit. If he truly is alcoholic he's not going to stop on his own. And changing flavor, style, quantity, etc., etc., etc., doesn't work.
Focus on your serenity, because you are not going to change his.
Best of wishes to you both,
Zube
"Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum."
Hope this helps a bit. If he truly is alcoholic he's not going to stop on his own. And changing flavor, style, quantity, etc., etc., etc., doesn't work.
Focus on your serenity, because you are not going to change his.
Best of wishes to you both,
Zube
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
Everyone tells me to get out, get out now! I don't want to!!! I love him, and I don't want to upset the kids. I want to be with him.
He used to drink first thing in the morning when he would shower (5:00 am). I don't think he has been doing that lately on the week days. Weekends? That's a different story. He will hide the empty can in his pocket and throw it away outside or take them to different trash cans throughout town.
He admits he's an alcoholic. He says he just likes the taste and he will quit when he is ready.
Is there anything I can do? Everything said I need an ultimatum, quit or leave type thing. However, I know, without a doubt that if I said that he would show me the door and walk away.
I just don't know what to do
I want to confront him and tell his he an @ssh0le and a pr1ck for lying and thinking he can hide it and then tell me he is doing so good.
He used to drink first thing in the morning when he would shower (5:00 am). I don't think he has been doing that lately on the week days. Weekends? That's a different story. He will hide the empty can in his pocket and throw it away outside or take them to different trash cans throughout town.
He admits he's an alcoholic. He says he just likes the taste and he will quit when he is ready.
Is there anything I can do? Everything said I need an ultimatum, quit or leave type thing. However, I know, without a doubt that if I said that he would show me the door and walk away.
I just don't know what to do
I want to confront him and tell his he an @ssh0le and a pr1ck for lying and thinking he can hide it and then tell me he is doing so good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Al-anon?
Maybe if he sees you finding serenity in Al-anon, and he already admits he's an alcoholic, maybe he'll hit an AA meeting? Could be a pride thing. Most likely an alcoholic thing, though. Hate to say it, but he might have to hit bottom before he is willing to change.
Zube
Maybe if he sees you finding serenity in Al-anon, and he already admits he's an alcoholic, maybe he'll hit an AA meeting? Could be a pride thing. Most likely an alcoholic thing, though. Hate to say it, but he might have to hit bottom before he is willing to change.
Zube
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
How do I sit back and wait for him to hit bottom? That would mean I would be paying for everything and how would he ever hit bottom? I choose to have a roof over my head and to support my children.
I don't think he'd ever even entertain the idea of AA and I don't think there is an Alanon in this podunk town I live in.
Bottom line is, he doesn't want to quit, he doesn't see the harm in it and he only hides and lies about it because I am here.
I don't think he'd ever even entertain the idea of AA and I don't think there is an Alanon in this podunk town I live in.
Bottom line is, he doesn't want to quit, he doesn't see the harm in it and he only hides and lies about it because I am here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by seejay3 
He admits he's an alcoholic. He says he just likes the taste and he will quit when he is ready.
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home. We understand. We have been there, and we are here to share our experience, strength and hope.
Some of our stories are posted in the sticky posts at the top of this forum page. The stickies are older, permanent posts that have been preserved for their wisdom and shares. I am always finding encouragement when I read the sticky posts.
While I was living with active alcoholism in my home, I was a hot mess. I tried everything and anything to make sense of the chaos that had become our home life. I found an article here at SR that helped me get my sanity back. I will post a link to the article that helped:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Wyoming Al-Anon/Alteen - Home
That'll get you a meeting close to you, at least.
I wish I had an answer for you seejay. I'm an alcoholic, so what he is doing makes total sense to me. I was right there doing the same thing once.
If he does not want to quit, nobody can make him. He already hides it (CLASSIC alcoholic move) I use to slam a 6 pack before going ANYWHERE so that when I reached my destination I could get another 6 pack and drink "normally"
You never know with AA. Most drunks end up loving it. I have a great time, and so do all of my friends.
Al-anon is not for him, it's for you. They will share their experience, strength, and hope with you, and give you the tools needed to live with your own sanity and serenity. It also shows him that regardless of what he does, you are taking an active role in recovery.
I hope this helps. Again, I wish I had more. There are some Alanon's in these rooms that are far wiser than I.
Zube
That'll get you a meeting close to you, at least.
I wish I had an answer for you seejay. I'm an alcoholic, so what he is doing makes total sense to me. I was right there doing the same thing once.
If he does not want to quit, nobody can make him. He already hides it (CLASSIC alcoholic move) I use to slam a 6 pack before going ANYWHERE so that when I reached my destination I could get another 6 pack and drink "normally"
You never know with AA. Most drunks end up loving it. I have a great time, and so do all of my friends.
Al-anon is not for him, it's for you. They will share their experience, strength, and hope with you, and give you the tools needed to live with your own sanity and serenity. It also shows him that regardless of what he does, you are taking an active role in recovery.
I hope this helps. Again, I wish I had more. There are some Alanon's in these rooms that are far wiser than I.
Zube
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
I haven't attended any alanon meetings, I do go to therapy though. He has agreed to go with me to couples therapy too. Our first appt will be in two weeks. He wants this to work, that's what he has said. But, honestly, he doesn't want to quit, he isn't really trying to quit, he is just getting better at "hiding" it.
He does the same thing, downs as many as he can before coming home so if he only has a couple it will seem like he is doing great. Problem is, I can tell that's not true.
Thank you Pelican, I have been reading through the stickys, they make me sad and scared that this will never get better. That I will always be an enabler because I choose to pay my bills and he, when he needs, gets to freeload when he doesn't have the money.
He does the same thing, downs as many as he can before coming home so if he only has a couple it will seem like he is doing great. Problem is, I can tell that's not true.
Thank you Pelican, I have been reading through the stickys, they make me sad and scared that this will never get better. That I will always be an enabler because I choose to pay my bills and he, when he needs, gets to freeload when he doesn't have the money.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Please tell him to stay away until he is completely sober.
Wyoming Al-Anon/Alteen - Home
If you love him, set him free.....
Save your self, your children, and your bank account and more.
With love,
Wyoming Al-Anon/Alteen - Home
If you love him, set him free.....
Save your self, your children, and your bank account and more.
With love,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
with gentleness I say........ What you see is what you get. If this is as good as it gets, are you willing to live like this???? He is showing you who he is, ......... believe him!!
Is this the life you choose for you and your children?
Good God, please continue educate yourself about addiction, living with an addict is just raw......... It's going to cut you hard and deep, And it going to hurt.
As an adult you can choose that for yourself, but your children do not deserve to live in hell!!!
Is this the life you choose for you and your children?
Good God, please continue educate yourself about addiction, living with an addict is just raw......... It's going to cut you hard and deep, And it going to hurt.
As an adult you can choose that for yourself, but your children do not deserve to live in hell!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
SeeJay
you cant control it, you didnt cause it, and you cant cure it. once you full understand that statement then you can just let him own his alcoholism and you can accept that he is an alcoholic. you will not have any money. he will constantly let you down. he will constantly lie to you and put his alcohol needs ahead of you and the children. he will not be there for you when he needs you most. he loves his alcohol more than he loves you and his children. NOTHING WILL COME IN BETWEEN HIM AND HIS DESIRE TO DRINK. if you are ok with that and can accept that about him, then stay. if you think dont want the drama and chaos of having an alcoholic in the house, and the much higher risk of your children becoming involved in the world of addiction, actually dont want to be dragged into his hellish world of addiction, then maybe the best thing for you to do is leave and hope that he finds his rock bottom soon and gets the help he needs. for there is honestly nothing you can do or say that will get him to stop until he acknowledges his problem and seeks help for himself. i hope you stay and read and see how may people have tried to love their partner into recovery and very few have come out the other side unscarred, and have a completely broken family. i hope you get the answers you need here and in therapy.
you cant control it, you didnt cause it, and you cant cure it. once you full understand that statement then you can just let him own his alcoholism and you can accept that he is an alcoholic. you will not have any money. he will constantly let you down. he will constantly lie to you and put his alcohol needs ahead of you and the children. he will not be there for you when he needs you most. he loves his alcohol more than he loves you and his children. NOTHING WILL COME IN BETWEEN HIM AND HIS DESIRE TO DRINK. if you are ok with that and can accept that about him, then stay. if you think dont want the drama and chaos of having an alcoholic in the house, and the much higher risk of your children becoming involved in the world of addiction, actually dont want to be dragged into his hellish world of addiction, then maybe the best thing for you to do is leave and hope that he finds his rock bottom soon and gets the help he needs. for there is honestly nothing you can do or say that will get him to stop until he acknowledges his problem and seeks help for himself. i hope you stay and read and see how may people have tried to love their partner into recovery and very few have come out the other side unscarred, and have a completely broken family. i hope you get the answers you need here and in therapy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
In my experience, there is nothing you can do to get someone to quit drinking or even cut back on their drinking.
They will drink however much they want to, lie about it, over it up, blah blah.
He is who he is... you can't change him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with an alcoholic?
They will drink however much they want to, lie about it, over it up, blah blah.
He is who he is... you can't change him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Please read as much as you can about the emotional problems that are caused by children with an active addict. It is vitally important to know how badly just being around him will hurt your kids.
Please do this before you go further. It is real.
Please do this before you go further. It is real.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Ooooomph.
Seejay, it made me so sad to read this.
About a year ago I was much like you and like you did not understand my wife's illness. If you read about the stages of alcoholism he is probably stage 3 or 4.
I have been amazed by what I have learned in a year. Amazed, terrified, paralyzed, overwhelmed. I learned here that my story is not unique, just another exams the same as most others.
I doubt that many alcoholics could stay sober without AA. It is awesome - a family that took us in.
Alcoholism is unlike some other addictions. My wife nearly died from trying to quit cold turkey - seizure and heart failure is not common for a fit person in mid thirties. In AA they say that the disease is cunning and baffling and powerful. What an understatement.
My wife snuck drinks while pregnant. I know about what I caught her at. Does that shock and repulse you? That's the normal reaction - who would do that? It makes it hard to believe me when I say that I have never seen anyone love anything like my wife adores our new baby. He seems to be fine but she risked his life after months of sobriety and AA and counseling.
This is a disease - a bad one. I am glad that my fight was less serious, I only had cancer and that's a breeze. Either me or it would win and the battle would be over in 6 months. Seein as I'm typing this we all know cancer is my bitch now and I won. Alcoholism is not so easy. You don't recover from it though you can be in recovery for years.
You need al-anon and you need to understand that his behavior fits a pattern that has us all nodding sadly. I won't say to give up but I will say that you are unwittingly making it worse. You are paying the bills and handling a gaggle of kids do he can relax and drink. The alcoholic voice looks for that - it's enabling. It will delay his eventual bottoming out.
I am not quitting on my wife or advising you to quit. I would advise not entangling further. Marriage should wait. Finances should be seperate. He had to pull his own weight and be accountable when he doesn't. Shielding an alcoholic from consequences seems kind but it makes it worse.
It took time for people to get me to understand that mr fixit can't fix my wife. She can.
She will stay in recovery and make it the number one priority or she will lose the husband, baby and home she loves dearly. ...I qfigure our odds at 50:50. Not because she is weak but because alcoholism is that strong. Go to a meeting and start reading.
One other note and this is key: absent some event that makes an alcoholic decide that they need to quit the disease is progressive. It does not subside, they can't cut back, the only real question is how long they will circle the drain and who they take down with them.
That sounds awful - I don't mean it to. I am hanging in and giving everything I have in me to supporting my wife as she fights through her recovery and I am not good at giving up. I'm also coming to accept that our odds are not good and that I can do a lot to hurt her recovery and damned little to help.
Alanon will teach you three things on day one - you did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Lol - some of us take a lonnnng time to accept that. I can attest to all three - did my best to try the control and cure part and it kicked me ass.
If you are willing to accept the status quo and worse that's one thing, if not then the time will come when you have to give him a choice. You have kids - that changes it and they learn from what they see. I made the choice that I won't live with a wet alcoholic and won't quit while mine is fighting to get well.
Praying for you. Keep asking questions, keep reading and dont increase the entanglements between you until you have a good understanding of this. He's on best behavior now.
Seejay, it made me so sad to read this.
About a year ago I was much like you and like you did not understand my wife's illness. If you read about the stages of alcoholism he is probably stage 3 or 4.
I have been amazed by what I have learned in a year. Amazed, terrified, paralyzed, overwhelmed. I learned here that my story is not unique, just another exams the same as most others.
I doubt that many alcoholics could stay sober without AA. It is awesome - a family that took us in.
Alcoholism is unlike some other addictions. My wife nearly died from trying to quit cold turkey - seizure and heart failure is not common for a fit person in mid thirties. In AA they say that the disease is cunning and baffling and powerful. What an understatement.
My wife snuck drinks while pregnant. I know about what I caught her at. Does that shock and repulse you? That's the normal reaction - who would do that? It makes it hard to believe me when I say that I have never seen anyone love anything like my wife adores our new baby. He seems to be fine but she risked his life after months of sobriety and AA and counseling.
This is a disease - a bad one. I am glad that my fight was less serious, I only had cancer and that's a breeze. Either me or it would win and the battle would be over in 6 months. Seein as I'm typing this we all know cancer is my bitch now and I won. Alcoholism is not so easy. You don't recover from it though you can be in recovery for years.
You need al-anon and you need to understand that his behavior fits a pattern that has us all nodding sadly. I won't say to give up but I will say that you are unwittingly making it worse. You are paying the bills and handling a gaggle of kids do he can relax and drink. The alcoholic voice looks for that - it's enabling. It will delay his eventual bottoming out.
I am not quitting on my wife or advising you to quit. I would advise not entangling further. Marriage should wait. Finances should be seperate. He had to pull his own weight and be accountable when he doesn't. Shielding an alcoholic from consequences seems kind but it makes it worse.
It took time for people to get me to understand that mr fixit can't fix my wife. She can.
She will stay in recovery and make it the number one priority or she will lose the husband, baby and home she loves dearly. ...I qfigure our odds at 50:50. Not because she is weak but because alcoholism is that strong. Go to a meeting and start reading.
One other note and this is key: absent some event that makes an alcoholic decide that they need to quit the disease is progressive. It does not subside, they can't cut back, the only real question is how long they will circle the drain and who they take down with them.
That sounds awful - I don't mean it to. I am hanging in and giving everything I have in me to supporting my wife as she fights through her recovery and I am not good at giving up. I'm also coming to accept that our odds are not good and that I can do a lot to hurt her recovery and damned little to help.
Alanon will teach you three things on day one - you did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Lol - some of us take a lonnnng time to accept that. I can attest to all three - did my best to try the control and cure part and it kicked me ass.
If you are willing to accept the status quo and worse that's one thing, if not then the time will come when you have to give him a choice. You have kids - that changes it and they learn from what they see. I made the choice that I won't live with a wet alcoholic and won't quit while mine is fighting to get well.
Praying for you. Keep asking questions, keep reading and dont increase the entanglements between you until you have a good understanding of this. He's on best behavior now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I had the exact same feelings and doubts you are expressing before I married my exah. I saw the same red flags. I married him anyway because I loved him, because i was uneducated about the DISEASE of alocholim, and I thought I could fix the problem.
It never got better. It only got worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's not a lifestyle choice. My exah is in the final stages now...he suffers from audibile hallucinations and paranoia. He's in jail likely headed for prison. And I've been raising my son on my own for a long time now.
We did the same types of things you're talking about...the 'talks', the promises, the threates, the ultimatums, AA, rehab (four times)...then things progressed to bankruptcy court and four trips to the psych ward for him and a damn-near nervous breakdown for me.
When I had suffered as much as I could bear to suffer, I went to al anon and I learned how to seperate myself from my exah's addiction. I've been going to meetings for about 18 months now and it has literally changed my life.
I wish I had gone to meeting sooner.
I wish I hadn't spent years of my life thinking my exah was 'different' and I could fix things.
I wish I had put my needs ahead of his once in a while.
Mostly, I wish I had educated myself about the reality of addiciton...the disease aspect of addiction...before I jumped into marriage with him.
I wish you well. I'm glad you're here and I hope you read around alot. Your story isn't unique. You're among people who have been where you are.
It never got better. It only got worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's not a lifestyle choice. My exah is in the final stages now...he suffers from audibile hallucinations and paranoia. He's in jail likely headed for prison. And I've been raising my son on my own for a long time now.
We did the same types of things you're talking about...the 'talks', the promises, the threates, the ultimatums, AA, rehab (four times)...then things progressed to bankruptcy court and four trips to the psych ward for him and a damn-near nervous breakdown for me.
When I had suffered as much as I could bear to suffer, I went to al anon and I learned how to seperate myself from my exah's addiction. I've been going to meetings for about 18 months now and it has literally changed my life.
I wish I had gone to meeting sooner.
I wish I hadn't spent years of my life thinking my exah was 'different' and I could fix things.
I wish I had put my needs ahead of his once in a while.
Mostly, I wish I had educated myself about the reality of addiciton...the disease aspect of addiction...before I jumped into marriage with him.
I wish you well. I'm glad you're here and I hope you read around alot. Your story isn't unique. You're among people who have been where you are.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
seejay- i would think about what you can do now for yourself for him and your children. He is NOT going to stop drinking without some sort of help and that you are NOT it.
you cannot treat someone with alcoholism anymore than you can treat someone with cancer.
He CAN have seizures from quitting, He CAN develop Liver disease, He CAN get into an auto accident killing himself or someone else.
it is extremely serious the problems that will come from his drinking, to you, to him, to your children and to yalls lives.
That does not mean that i am telling you to leave him....not at all but that this is the TRUTH about addiction and its a hard hard long road and that perhapse detaching will be the best thing for everyone. There are many options leave,dont leave, outpatient which is more affordable, inpatient which is a more solid recovery, intervention, aa, al anon BUT what they all have in common is help. HE must help himself and YOU must help yourself and if someone doesnt want help they wont seek it but you cannot help him to do so you can only help him by loving him but love as we have all seen it....can be from afar.
wish you luck
you cannot treat someone with alcoholism anymore than you can treat someone with cancer.
He CAN have seizures from quitting, He CAN develop Liver disease, He CAN get into an auto accident killing himself or someone else.
it is extremely serious the problems that will come from his drinking, to you, to him, to your children and to yalls lives.
That does not mean that i am telling you to leave him....not at all but that this is the TRUTH about addiction and its a hard hard long road and that perhapse detaching will be the best thing for everyone. There are many options leave,dont leave, outpatient which is more affordable, inpatient which is a more solid recovery, intervention, aa, al anon BUT what they all have in common is help. HE must help himself and YOU must help yourself and if someone doesnt want help they wont seek it but you cannot help him to do so you can only help him by loving him but love as we have all seen it....can be from afar.
wish you luck
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Unfortunately the kids are probably upset now. Look I understand not wanting to upset them but this can be so stressful for them too. Can you go to an Alanon meeting?
Originally Posted by seejay3
Everyone tells me to get out, get out now! I don't want to!!! I love him, and I don't want to upset the kids. I want to be with him.
He used to drink first thing in the morning when he would shower (5:00 am). I don't think he has been doing that lately on the week days. Weekends? That's a different story. He will hide the empty can in his pocket and throw it away outside or take them to different trash cans throughout town.
He admits he's an alcoholic. He says he just likes the taste and he will quit when he is ready.
Is there anything I can do? Everything said I need an ultimatum, quit or leave type thing. However, I know, without a doubt that if I said that he would show me the door and walk away.
I just don't know what to do
I want to confront him and tell his he an @ssh0le and a pr1ck for lying and thinking he can hide it and then tell me he is doing so good.
He used to drink first thing in the morning when he would shower (5:00 am). I don't think he has been doing that lately on the week days. Weekends? That's a different story. He will hide the empty can in his pocket and throw it away outside or take them to different trash cans throughout town.
He admits he's an alcoholic. He says he just likes the taste and he will quit when he is ready.
Is there anything I can do? Everything said I need an ultimatum, quit or leave type thing. However, I know, without a doubt that if I said that he would show me the door and walk away.
I just don't know what to do
I want to confront him and tell his he an @ssh0le and a pr1ck for lying and thinking he can hide it and then tell me he is doing so good.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by seejay3
How do I sit back and wait for him to hit bottom? That would mean I would be paying for everything and how would he ever hit bottom? I choose to have a roof over my head and to support my children.
I don't think he'd ever even entertain the idea of AA and I don't think there is an Alanon in this podunk town I live in.
Bottom line is, he doesn't want to quit, he doesn't see the harm in it and he only hides and lies about it because I am here.
I don't think he'd ever even entertain the idea of AA and I don't think there is an Alanon in this podunk town I live in.
Bottom line is, he doesn't want to quit, he doesn't see the harm in it and he only hides and lies about it because I am here.
these are things to think about before you walk down an aisle where the man you plan to share your life with unintentionally could knock it down. HE HAS TO WANT IT FOR HIM otherwise you are looking at tears, anger, pain and a whole lot of problems. sorry if that was blunt. my ah is a loving giving kind respectful intelligent hard working amazing person sober but his otherside is hateful, lying, deceitful, selfish, cruel and annoying and he has yet to hit bottom and he has had 2 duis, a number of public intoxication arrests and has done a number of things to me personally with my emotions.
The first thing i saw when i came to this forum was on the home page a blog i guess that said adultry and alcoholism go hand in hand like bread and butter.
You know that hit me...because i had caught him with a woman (our neighbor) it was not a pretty scene an you know what he didnt even know what was going on.....thats alcoholism with the mind. he was confused,angry becuase he was confused and didnt believe me when i told him what happened. i didnt believe it either.....I trusted him 100% this is the man of all men in my life i believed would neeeevvverrr hurt me at all. not a doubt came in my head and everyone else could see how loving he was how inlove we were and how trusting i felt with him. who he is when hes sober (who you love) is not the same person he is when hes drinking.
the drinking side of him WILL lie to you, he WILL hurt you even if its unintentional and he WILL do things that will completely baffle and suprise you.
you dont wait for him to hit bottom....not when bottom could impact your life and your childrens....because it very much could
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