dollydo

If you think that your children are not being affected by the enviornment you are exposing them to, there is only one person you are fooling.... you.

I am the product of an alcoholic mother, I heard and saw everything, yet as a child I internalized my fears, I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I carried my childhood into adulthood, I am not an addict, yet I married two alcoholics (both deceased). I just didn't know any better, I lived what I learned.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, which can be viewed at the top of this page. Knowledge is power.

fluffyflea

Also take the time to read about adult children of alcoholics. By your background yoou are one and i you stay in this relationship your kids willbe too. It/s a family disease but we can break the cycle.

inpieces314

Maybe he doesn't know how serious this is. Just because he admits he is an alcoholic does not mean he gets the enormity of the situation.

But his problem is his problem. I love the whole "it's only beer so it doesn't count" thing. My ABF used to do that all the time. Until I informed him that 12 oz of beer has the same amount of liquor as a shot of vodka. And he used to drink those 24 oz Natural Ice things. Eww.

thislonelygirl

ah got quiet some days too when mentioning his drinking....then some days he blew up. both were/are frustrating. in my opinion i dont know if it is thinking like wow i might really lose her ....i think its wow i might lose my enabler.
Like i said this comes from years of living and loving an alcoholic and believing he actually heard my words and denying that he was just an alcoholic instead of some special alcoholic like i wanted to believe......like my story was different and he would give alcohol if he felt i would leave if he knew i were serious.
That doesnt work unless you are serious by setting boundaries and following through with it.
My ah too would get "the paper" and actually be drinking ....thats one of his tell tell signs of him going to drink.....that and he has to run to the store (and its for something that can wait or at odd times/hours) and of course has to go out to the car for something but really he is drinking.
Eventually you will be so accustumed to what his signs are and how his drinking really is youll be able to catch his lies , his drinking, everything .....what you choose to do with it is up to you.
so to answer your question What do I do if I don't want to admit it won't change? What do I do if I want to be with him but I know it won't change?
you are mom, you are an adult and you know that being those things sometimes you have to make hard hard decisions for everyone....aside from that you can continue to talk on here we are all listening and try out a al anon meeting.
You may love his kids and your kids may love him.....but you dont marry someone because of those reasons and you cant ignore the bad because of the good.
stay in touch here, read up, set boundaries and if finances allow see if he will go to a program...there are low cost programs also if he wont revert to the boundaries you have set but they only work if you stick to your guns.

seejay3

Wow. Everything everyone says on here sounds like him. Needing to go to lock up the truck. Drinking. Need to run for dog food. Drinking.
It's so obvious and yet I'm terrified. I don't want this to be what it is. I want him not the alcohol. Yet everything I read says its not going to change or get better.

LoveMeNow

None of us did. I used to lay in my bed and cry and pray I was just having a really bad nightmare. I begged to wake up and everything would be different again.

It's different, not what I wanted but when I learned more about me.....things got much better.

marie1960

"Everyone keeps saying alcoholism is progressive. He's been drinking for almost 25 years shouldn't the "progressive" have gotten there? If he is this stable behaving after that long, how does it get worse? What could it progress to after this long?"

The human body is not meant to absorb large amounts of alcohol on a daily basis. Sooner or later mental and physical side effects will present themselves, AND it's not going to be pretty. The booze will affect the brain, all rational thought will be out the window.

The physical damage ...... stomach problems, kidney problems, liver problems, pancreatitis, bowel problems, incontinence, diabetes, heart problems, overdose, etc..... and DEATH ...... Abusing alcohol for years on end will eventually take its toll on the human body.

Living with an addict will eventually take its toll on your health and wellbeing also. The disease will consume YOU.

Be prepared to endure financial hardship, addicts are not known for their responsible money management skills. It's just a matter of time before he gets in trouble with the law, be prepared for hefty fines, increases in car insurance premiums, explaining to the kids why dad is in jail...... I forgot to mention the medical bills, lots of trips to the ER for stitches, broken bones etc..... Countless arguments about NOTHING. Listening to the rantings and raving of an angry drunk..... Good times..... NOT!!!

But what really did me in, was the shame and embarrassment I allowed myself to live in. I could not look at myself in the mirror. Everything about my life was a big fat lie. The wonderful guy no longer existed, I was in DENIAL, and made excuses, swept unacceptable behavior under the rug. Soon, I stopped accepting invitatations to family gatherings. I stopped seeing friends. I isolated myself. It was easier to stay locked behind closed doors, than to go out in public, taking the chance that he would get hammered and create a scene. I could not admit to my family that I was in over my head, and my life was a big unmanagable mess.

You CANNOT help him. You can make excuses to the moon and back and it will not change one damn thing. YOU are choosing to allow an out of control addict power/control over you and your kids life. IT WILL NEVER WORK. PERIOD.

Please keep posting. We are hear to share our life experience with you. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the wonderful people here who helped understand/accept the TRUTH.



I

seejay3

His argument: I fell in love with him and this is who he has always been.

I want so bad to be with him, for it all to work out I just don't know if I can. A lot of things that have been said now scare me even more.

I don't want it to affect my children and now I wonder, will it? Even if they don't know or see? It's not like we fight about it with them here either.

I want to cry. This sucks.

Freedom1990

I can guarantee you 100% your children have been and are affected. You've been with the man 3 years now.

I wasn't the only alcoholic/addict in the home. When my oldest daughter was three, I met my 2nd husband, an alcoholic/addict too.

I sincerely hope you begin to understand that not fighting in front of the kids does not mean they aren't affected.

All the ugly emotions an alcoholic medicates...fear, anger, guilt, not to mention low-self esteem and no respect for self, are always thrown back at the codependent so the alcoholic doesn't have to "feel" them.

You are affected, and in turn your children are affected. You are not 100% present for them because you are emotionally focused on him.

I came from a dysfunctional environment too, and until I put the brakes on, and made a commitment to my own recovery from codependency, I kept getting involved in toxic relationships. I'd reason that he didn't physically abuse me, or another one had never been in trouble with the law, or that one didn't do drugs. I sold myself short.

Recovery from codependency has been scary, tough, beautiful, and rewarding. I wouldn't trade my life and my recovery today for anything in the world.

I also recommend the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It was a painful read but also a very freeing experience. I started to understand why I did what I did in regard to relationships.

Keep posting and reading, hon. Hug your kids for me, okay? Lots of hugs for you too!

thislonelygirl

My ah too has said that....that i knew what i was getting into....that this is who he is and who i fell in love with. no it wasnt...when we got together i thought it was a faze or he just liked to drink/party and i didnt understand truly what alcoholism was ....denial is a dangerous thing for us and our alcoholic loved one. it can do damage to our lives. i will say this with kids its a roll of the dice....you will never know until it happens how it will affect them but eventually they will see and know of it ...like others have said on here progression doesnt have to be jail etc but it can be and more than likely will be mental and physical which both are obvious to everyone around. my ah is skinny compared to what he would be without alcohol ....its crazy because alcohol comes first before sleep and before eating...it makes him look ill and mentally.....alcohol gives the illusion of mental disease....alcohoolics can and do start mirroring mental disorders and that is frightening to see it first hand. i understand wanting so bad to be with HIM and not the alcohol. to be with him underneath the addiction. we all want and wanted so badly for that person but no matter how much WE want them....they have to want themselves. keep yourself educated, prepare yourself for the worst, dont jump into marriage until he has proven himself in sbreity and that will be year to years in it and set boundaries for yourself and your home.
doing these things now are more important than ever.....you dont want to turn a blind eye to something and see yourself 5 -10 years down the road angry, sad,lonely and just plain fed up.
take care of yourself

fluffyflea

Seejay3,

You say you don,t want this to affect your kids,his kids are already affected because surely he was drinking like this before he met you.

You are in for a life of hell if you stay,guaranteed.

dollydo

Love wears blinders, codependency creates denial. Your children are being adversely affected, you knowlingly brought an alcoholic into your childrens lives and that is not the hallmark of a responsible parent.

fluffyflea

Seejay3'

Check into Alateen in your area. That would be good for your kids and his kids.

TakingCharge999

Alcoholism is like that, people around an active addict walk on eggshells, because things look "quiet" or "normal" (for the alcoholic) and then disaster strikes. It can be tomorrow or it can be in 20 years. No one can know. Not even the alcoholic knows sometimes. But there is cause & effect. Alcoholism is also chronic -he will always be one. Whether he seeks treatment (and follows it) - we don't know if it will ever happen.


What are you teaching your sons?
That it is ok to drink. That it is ok to lie. That it is ok to break promises. Don't be surprised when they turn into alcoholics. Or into enablers and end up having addicts as friends/partners. Or both.

What are you teaching your daughters?
That it is ok to be lied to by their romantic partners, supposedly their best friends. That it is ok to walk on eggshells. That their home is not a place of peace & comfort but a place of fear. Don't be surprised when they grow up and have "relationships" with abusive types/addict types. And/or become addicts themselves.


They are already learning this every day they live in that house.

I am glad you are going to therapy. Your gut tells you he wants to go to couples therapy just so he can say he is trying. Therapy does not work when people are not ready to be honest. Follow your gut & your intuition.

Here in SR we all talk due to our own experiences & past hurts. Alcoholics will break their promises. "Wanting to change" - is that enough for you? He is lying to you-alcohol or no alcohol- is that good enough for you.. ?

Knowing where boundaries are is priceless and is fundamental to start healing.

TakingCharge999

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

marie1960

"His argument: I fell in love with him and this is who he has always been. " (Seejay)


^^^^^NO,NO,NO,^^^^^

The above statement tells me two things. The first, he is saying he is not ready/going to quit drinking. The second, he is expecting you to accept him, just the way he is.

Active alkies are SELFISH, they are not able to have any empathy for another's feelings. Normal, healthy relationships are built on trust and respect. He does not respect you. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care if he hurts you. Words are MEANINGLESS, his actions are the reality/truth.

I do not know how old your 3 kids are, but I can assure you that his 16 year old child that is living with you, KNOWS. For starters, everyone one of those kids can SMELL the booze on his breath, and coming out of his pores. Have you had any age appropriate conversations with kids regarding this subject? I bet if you ask a few questions, you will be SHOCKED to find out how very much they do know.

As an adult, you are struggling living in an addicted household. Can you imagine what the kids are feeling? They are not mature enough to process this. Kids are innocent, they place all their trust in their parents. Think about what you are exposing them to. Is he really worth it??? Time to get proactive in YOUR own life. It is our duty as parents to protect and keep our children safe. As mom's we must meet our kids physical needs daily. Of equal importance, is ensuring their mental/ emotional needs, we only have a small window of opportunity to get it right. A child living in an addicted household will have life long consequences.......

Would you want your kids to grow up and get involved with an addict ?

LoveMeNow

Trust me, the kids know something is very wrong. What happens to all empty beer cans? Does he hide those too? If not, I bet even the neighbors and garbage men know too. Outsiders see things far more objectively.

I know this is a lot for you to take in. Sounds like you are taking the first steps out of denial. I remember how hard and painful that was for me, still is at times.

Any decisions you make from the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that you have been living in - are usually very unhealthy ones. Go back and look at your decisions and see what motivated them.

seejay3

Yes. He hides the cans too.
Yes the oldest I'm sure knows. And yes I'm sure based on comments he has made he doesn't see how it's wrong or that there is even a problem. Yes. I see how he is setting up to follow the same path.
His daughter (12) has made comments; July 4 company get together, heard 'that's a lot of beer' her response? 'Don't worry, my dad will drink it'.
To them this is normal. This is what they grew up with. They also grew up with him addicted to meth for 5 years. Yes, I know this will affect them.
My oldest (15) I know I aware of it, because I have talked to her about it. Same 4th get together she wanted to make sure he wasn't the one driving us back to camp.
My boy, 14, I don't think cares to notice anythig beyond the tv, videos games, his phone or girls playing volleyball. My youngest, 10, I don't believe sees anything. She absolutely adores him. He doesn't drink in the house much at all. Like I said its all done in hiding or before coming home or when he runs errands.
Yes, I can see how this will affect my children.
Yes, it scares me.
And yes, as you all say, being here, staying, does make me a bad parent because yes, I am supposed to keep them safe and teach them better. Even knowing this (and some of you have to relate at least a little since I'm sure not everyone on here has had kids in the same home) it's harder than just knowing its wrong.

LoveMeNow

He hides his empties too? Your bf is good at leading a double life. Sounds like he just switched his addiction from meth to alcohol...for now. Often times, alcohol is a stepping stone right back to their DOC. (drug of choice).

How long has it been since he smoked meth??

I know you think "he is different," that your relationship is "different" We all did. They weren't.

Addiction is cunning and baffling - we are no match for it. He has to want it, need it and work it! You do too!

Look at how much time is spent on an addicts problems, many of us are like a hamster on a wheel. Round and round we go. The addict dominates the family and sadly becomes number one, until we stop the cycle.

marie1960

Seejay, Doing the right thing is never easy, if it was, none of us would be here......

Remember, our words and experience we share WITHOUT judgement. Only you can decide what is best for you.

So let's talk about you for a minute.

Have you asked yourself why you consider him a worthy partner? Does he truly possess the qualities that will fulfill you for a lifetime? Is this the guy that gives you the kind of respect you deserve? I can't remember the author, but her words were as follows. " I feel so very lucky and blessed to be able to walk into any situation and know for certain that I am the most loved and respected woman in the room." And "how do I know that?" Because "My husbands shows me everyday."

Is he the guy that can provide, protect, love and nurture you and the kids? Is he the one that can teach/lead your children to be loving, respectful, productive, secure adults?

Just because we like something, doesn't mean it's right or healthy for us.......

My weakness in life has got to be potato chips, I would love to eat chips around the clock. BUT I DON'T. It's simply not the right choice. I am choosing better for myself. As adults we get to choose......