Engaged...he lies constantly about his drinking.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by seejay3 
I don't want it to affect my children and now I wonder, will it? Even if they don't know or see? It's not like we fight about it with them here either.
I too was a kid who didn't know & didn't see. You wouldn't believe the things I "DID NOT" see or know. My mother spun her wheels 24/7 to put out the fires of my father's addictions & it rendered them both fairly useless to my sister & I. Even in the best scenarios, the addiction takes so much management that the time & energy & money spent are the some of the biggest sacrifices made by the rest of the family.
For years I considered myself undamaged because there was no outright abuse in our family but now that I am facing alcoholism as a wife & not a child I see it very, very differently. I'm most definitely damaged, and have spent the last few months really digging deep inside back to those years to see things for what they really were, call things what they really were & acknowledge the events as they happened without all the sugary coating called denial. I'm successful on the surface, but underneath I see how this disease has roots inside of me that affected the way I manage things in my life, the attachments I make to people & things, the way I have allowed my boundaries to be constantly redrawn & crossed, the way I approach my education & professional life, the entangled dynamic between my sister & me, the standards I hold myself too & the horrid judgement I place on myself when I perceive that I have failed. Things I previously thought of as strengths I can now sometimes see as forced survival skills. Sometimes I just have to stop reading & walk away from the information because it's overwhelming to see these correlations between what I read & my own life/actions. Like DoubleBarrel wrote:
Even if the kids don't know he's drinking, don't see it, whatever, that can actually be worse, because mood swings, hangovers, arguments, all that are even more scary, because as kids, they don't know what causes it. Please read up.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by seejay3
Yes. He hides the cans too.
Yes the oldest I'm sure knows. And yes I'm sure based on comments he has made he doesn't see how it's wrong or that there is even a problem. Yes. I see how he is setting up to follow the same path.
His daughter (12) has made comments; July 4 company get together, heard 'that's a lot of beer' her response? 'Don't worry, my dad will drink it'.
To them this is normal. This is what they grew up with. They also grew up with him addicted to meth for 5 years. Yes, I know this will affect them.
My oldest (15) I know I aware of it, because I have talked to her about it. Same 4th get together she wanted to make sure he wasn't the one driving us back to camp.
My boy, 14, I don't think cares to notice anythig beyond the tv, videos games, his phone or girls playing volleyball. My youngest, 10, I don't believe sees anything. She absolutely adores him. He doesn't drink in the house much at all. Like I said its all done in hiding or before coming home or when he runs errands.
Yes, I can see how this will affect my children.
Yes, it scares me.
And yes, as you all say, being here, staying, does make me a bad parent because yes, I am supposed to keep them safe and teach them better. Even knowing this (and some of you have to relate at least a little since I'm sure not everyone on here has had kids in the same home) it's harder than just knowing its wrong.
Yes the oldest I'm sure knows. And yes I'm sure based on comments he has made he doesn't see how it's wrong or that there is even a problem. Yes. I see how he is setting up to follow the same path.
His daughter (12) has made comments; July 4 company get together, heard 'that's a lot of beer' her response? 'Don't worry, my dad will drink it'.
To them this is normal. This is what they grew up with. They also grew up with him addicted to meth for 5 years. Yes, I know this will affect them.
My oldest (15) I know I aware of it, because I have talked to her about it. Same 4th get together she wanted to make sure he wasn't the one driving us back to camp.
My boy, 14, I don't think cares to notice anythig beyond the tv, videos games, his phone or girls playing volleyball. My youngest, 10, I don't believe sees anything. She absolutely adores him. He doesn't drink in the house much at all. Like I said its all done in hiding or before coming home or when he runs errands.
Yes, I can see how this will affect my children.
Yes, it scares me.
And yes, as you all say, being here, staying, does make me a bad parent because yes, I am supposed to keep them safe and teach them better. Even knowing this (and some of you have to relate at least a little since I'm sure not everyone on here has had kids in the same home) it's harder than just knowing its wrong.
i can still see how in denial you are about your fiance and even though you have taken this big step by reaching out. you still have a road ahead of yourself.
I learned in waves....it was like i was standing in the water i could see everything....the water the beach, the people but i couldnt grasp what i was in....its depth, its unknowing bellow and then i would get hit with a wave and then another and finally i would get hit with so many waves that i accepted the severity of what i was surrounded by, what i was smack dab in the middle and what i was isolated by.
i was in danger of drowning, i was wet cold, alone and unaware of what was behind infront and underneath me. its addiction....plain and simple. alcoholism is a family disease plain and simple.
you have taken the first step in recovery and realization by coming to sr. weve all been in denial, we have all downplayed the severity of addiction and we have all ignored it and continued in our lives. you will make your decision no matter what we say here or maybe you wont but you are fully welcome to talk here ask and read up on everything...maybe the second wave will hit you but you are doing the best thing by informing yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
I talked to him. He once again listened. He said he isn't willing to change right now and if I choose to not accept that then I should have figured that out a long time ago before there were six kids involved. He said if I choose to say no I won't do this anymore he will just have to love me without being with me.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by seejay3
I talked to him. He once again listened. He said he isn't willing to change right now and if I choose to not accept that then I should have figured that out a long time ago before there were six kids involved. He said if I choose to say no I won't do this anymore he will just have to love me without being with me.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.
he is sick ....he will stay sick and he will make you and everyone around him sick until he gets help. its disgusting but they are blinded by addiction and no matter how many talks you give him ...they wont make a difference. what does work are boundaries, are NOT picking him up when he falls because of addiction and by educating yourself. i wish you the best. my heart breaks for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
No point being hurt angry and rejected by a sick person because thats what he is. I read your post and saw how he twisted everything and turned it all on you and accepted absolutely no responsibility.
You didn,t cause
You can,t control it
You can,t cure it.
He is a selfish a@@ plain and simple.
QUOTE=seejay3;3700474]I talked to him. He once again listened. He said he isn't willing to change right now and if I choose to not accept that then I should have figured that out a long time ago before there were six kids involved. He said if I choose to say no I won't do this anymore he will just have to love me without being with me.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.[/QUOTE]
No point being hurt angry and rejected by a sick person because thats what he is. I read your post and saw how he twisted everything and turned it all on you and accepted absolutely no responsibility.
You didn,t cause
You can,t control it
You can,t cure it.
He is a selfish a@@ plain and simple.
QUOTE=seejay3;3700474]I talked to him. He once again listened. He said he isn't willing to change right now and if I choose to not accept that then I should have figured that out a long time ago before there were six kids involved. He said if I choose to say no I won't do this anymore he will just have to love me without being with me.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
We all know too well the hurt and pain you are feeling/living.
He is the selfish asshat here. His manipulative spin on this is so very typical. Blaming you for his choices and unacceptable behavior...... Don't buy into that CRAP!
No matter what, it's better to live/ know the truth, than live a meaningless life of LIES!!!
Sending you tons of support, and (((((hugs)))))
He is the selfish asshat here. His manipulative spin on this is so very typical. Blaming you for his choices and unacceptable behavior...... Don't buy into that CRAP!
No matter what, it's better to live/ know the truth, than live a meaningless life of LIES!!!
Sending you tons of support, and (((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by seejay3
Yes. He hides the cans too.
Yes the oldest I'm sure knows. And yes I'm sure based on comments he has made he doesn't see how it's wrong or that there is even a problem. Yes. I see how he is setting up to follow the same path.
His daughter (12) has made comments; July 4 company get together, heard 'that's a lot of beer' her response? 'Don't worry, my dad will drink it'.
To them this is normal. This is what they grew up with. They also grew up with him addicted to meth for 5 years. Yes, I know this will affect them.
My oldest (15) I know I aware of it, because I have talked to her about it. Same 4th get together she wanted to make sure he wasn't the one driving us back to camp. She's learning that life sucks, and you just have to put up with it. That she doesn't really have a right to feel secure and safe, that she just has to endure what life gives her. That she doesn't get choices.
My boy, 14, I don't think cares to notice anythig beyond the tv, videos games, his phone or girls playing volleyball. Perhaps this is his version of learning to check out from reality, to deal with reality by avoidance and diversion, to dig into a place where he doesn't have to live life. That is the SAME THING an alcoholic does, when they drink. They check out from reality, avoid, and divert themself. My youngest, 10, I don't believe sees anything. She absolutely adores him. Perhaps this is her version of desperately seeking validation, she chases a role model who is emotionally unavailable, desperately seeking a response, looking for any crumb of being there for her. He doesn't drink in the house much at all. Like I said its all done in hiding or before coming home or when he runs errands.
Yes, I can see how this will affect my children.
Yes, it scares me.
And yes, as you all say, being here, staying, does make me a bad parent because yes, I am supposed to keep them safe and teach them better. Even knowing this (and some of you have to relate at least a little since I'm sure not everyone on here has had kids in the same home) it's harder than just knowing its wrong.
Yes the oldest I'm sure knows. And yes I'm sure based on comments he has made he doesn't see how it's wrong or that there is even a problem. Yes. I see how he is setting up to follow the same path.
His daughter (12) has made comments; July 4 company get together, heard 'that's a lot of beer' her response? 'Don't worry, my dad will drink it'.
To them this is normal. This is what they grew up with. They also grew up with him addicted to meth for 5 years. Yes, I know this will affect them.
My oldest (15) I know I aware of it, because I have talked to her about it. Same 4th get together she wanted to make sure he wasn't the one driving us back to camp. She's learning that life sucks, and you just have to put up with it. That she doesn't really have a right to feel secure and safe, that she just has to endure what life gives her. That she doesn't get choices.
My boy, 14, I don't think cares to notice anythig beyond the tv, videos games, his phone or girls playing volleyball. Perhaps this is his version of learning to check out from reality, to deal with reality by avoidance and diversion, to dig into a place where he doesn't have to live life. That is the SAME THING an alcoholic does, when they drink. They check out from reality, avoid, and divert themself. My youngest, 10, I don't believe sees anything. She absolutely adores him. Perhaps this is her version of desperately seeking validation, she chases a role model who is emotionally unavailable, desperately seeking a response, looking for any crumb of being there for her. He doesn't drink in the house much at all. Like I said its all done in hiding or before coming home or when he runs errands.
Yes, I can see how this will affect my children.
Yes, it scares me.
And yes, as you all say, being here, staying, does make me a bad parent because yes, I am supposed to keep them safe and teach them better. Even knowing this (and some of you have to relate at least a little since I'm sure not everyone on here has had kids in the same home) it's harder than just knowing its wrong.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is an addict, his priorities are that of an addict. His first love is his DOC. When in the throws of active addiction, there are no exceptions.
Believe him, he is telling you who he really is.
I am sorry that you are in pain...however, he is not relationship or parent material.
The rest of his verbage is pure BS, it is not your fault that he is an addict, it is his.
Believe him, he is telling you who he really is.
I am sorry that you are in pain...however, he is not relationship or parent material.
The rest of his verbage is pure BS, it is not your fault that he is an addict, it is his.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He is counting on you to "give in" and back off. He is using fear, obligation and guilt to get it. Is it working? It's a tried and true tactic.
Adding the 6 kids was a nice touch of manipulation. Where is/was his love and devotion to his kids when he started smoking meth and drinking?
You have the right to change your mind ANYTIME, especially to protect your kids and yourself. He is showing you who he is....believe him before you have more emotions, time and money invested.
Adding the 6 kids was a nice touch of manipulation. Where is/was his love and devotion to his kids when he started smoking meth and drinking?
You have the right to change your mind ANYTIME, especially to protect your kids and yourself. He is showing you who he is....believe him before you have more emotions, time and money invested.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
WOW. It took 80 posts, and now you inform us that he is a former METH ADDICT.
I have to say, you are minimizing the damage already here.
There is no way that a former meth user who drinks that heavily doesn't have some MAJOR issues.
Given the way he hides booze, you really have NO IDEA what else he might be up to.
This is a ticking time bomb.
I'm really sorry.
Please consider, that you have received almost a HUNDRED different responses to your issue, from people on all sides of the coin, addicts, those of us recovering, people who are sober, people who have lived with addicts, been married to them, are still married to them.
What are the chances, given that we are literally scattered all over the globe, that we are all wrong in our assessment.
Im not a praying man, but I am desperately hoping for your kids sake that you run the other way.
I have to say, you are minimizing the damage already here.
There is no way that a former meth user who drinks that heavily doesn't have some MAJOR issues.
Given the way he hides booze, you really have NO IDEA what else he might be up to.
This is a ticking time bomb.
I'm really sorry.
Please consider, that you have received almost a HUNDRED different responses to your issue, from people on all sides of the coin, addicts, those of us recovering, people who are sober, people who have lived with addicts, been married to them, are still married to them.
What are the chances, given that we are literally scattered all over the globe, that we are all wrong in our assessment.
Im not a praying man, but I am desperately hoping for your kids sake that you run the other way.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by seejay3
I talked to him. He once again listened. He said he isn't willing to change right now and if I choose to not accept that then I should have figured that out a long time ago before there were six kids involved. He said if I choose to say no I won't do this anymore he will just have to love me without being with me.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.
Why do we think we will be enough?!?! How could I actually think He would want me more? I asked, even if it meant you'd lose everything? He said he wouldn't. So therefore I guess I am nothing. He said he puts up and accepts me as I am with all if my problems I should also accept him as he has always been.
I can't believe how bad I hurt right now. How sad and angry and just rejected.
He has told you that he doesnt give a **** about you.
He has told you that he isnt willing to change
He has told you that he will carry on with or without you.
Sounds like the ball is in your court. LISTEN TO HIM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 19
I want to say, but you guys don't know him, that he's an amazing person to me and the kids, that I've never felt so loved when he looks at me, that at times I do feel special and worthy enough that he would pick me over his drinking. But as I say these things even I know I'm wrong. Why? I guess I will be asking myself that for a long time.
Thank you for all of your insight and thoughts, I do appreciate it. It's basically the same things my therapist has been warning me about that I have chosen to justify in some way. Which just makes me as bad as he is in hiding and ignoring and most of all denying.
Thank you for all of your insight and thoughts, I do appreciate it. It's basically the same things my therapist has been warning me about that I have chosen to justify in some way. Which just makes me as bad as he is in hiding and ignoring and most of all denying.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
Seejay, I know it hurts to realize that we don't mean as much to them as a six pack of beer. I have been on both sides of that issue and I lost a couple of wonderful relationships with a couple of wonderful guys because I chose alcohol over them. Of course at the time, I didn't realize I was choosing a six pack of beer over them, but I was and I remember one of them saying those exact words to me at the end.
No one expects you to jump up today and leave the relationship. Of course it is going to take a little time to figure out where you're going to go, schools for the kids, etc. But as much as it hurts, it truly is better that you find this out now rather than after you have become legally bound to him. You will be okay and your kids will be fine. They deserve better and so do you.
No one expects you to jump up today and leave the relationship. Of course it is going to take a little time to figure out where you're going to go, schools for the kids, etc. But as much as it hurts, it truly is better that you find this out now rather than after you have become legally bound to him. You will be okay and your kids will be fine. They deserve better and so do you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry you are going through this, it is a horrible disease.
You are also put in a hard spot with bills because sure you could refuse to pay more than is your half but then the heat gets turned off and the electricity and that just isn't possible with children in the house. As others have said, look at how things are now and think about whether you could live with him if this was as good as it gets. Sadly, it will more than likely get much worse.
Honestly, I would say move into your house and don't allow him in. He needs consequences. How did he support himself before you two were living together? You could always tell him that until he decides to choose recovery then you can not live with him. It doesn't mean that the relationship has to be over, it means that you are setting up boundaries for yourself and your children. As for feeling bad leaving his 16 year old out, well he is 16 and a young adult and I would explain to him why you are not going to live with his father anymore. At 16 he is old enough to understand the situation. It isn't like you are telling the 16 he can never come over, you are just telling him that you are setting healthy boundaries. If you live seperately then you don't have to pay his bills anymore and you don't have to deal with the constant lies.
Whatever you decide, just remember to keep putting yourself and your children first. He needs to come last. He puts beer before you and the children. Beer is his first love.
Keep posting and reading here,
Maylie
You are also put in a hard spot with bills because sure you could refuse to pay more than is your half but then the heat gets turned off and the electricity and that just isn't possible with children in the house. As others have said, look at how things are now and think about whether you could live with him if this was as good as it gets. Sadly, it will more than likely get much worse.
Honestly, I would say move into your house and don't allow him in. He needs consequences. How did he support himself before you two were living together? You could always tell him that until he decides to choose recovery then you can not live with him. It doesn't mean that the relationship has to be over, it means that you are setting up boundaries for yourself and your children. As for feeling bad leaving his 16 year old out, well he is 16 and a young adult and I would explain to him why you are not going to live with his father anymore. At 16 he is old enough to understand the situation. It isn't like you are telling the 16 he can never come over, you are just telling him that you are setting healthy boundaries. If you live seperately then you don't have to pay his bills anymore and you don't have to deal with the constant lies.
Whatever you decide, just remember to keep putting yourself and your children first. He needs to come last. He puts beer before you and the children. Beer is his first love.
Keep posting and reading here,
Maylie
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by seejay3
I want to say, but you guys don't know him, that he's an amazing person to me and the kids, that I've never felt so loved when he looks at me, that at times I do feel special and worthy enough that he would pick me over his drinking. But as I say these things even I know I'm wrong. Why? I guess I will be asking myself that for a long time.
Thank you for all of your insight and thoughts, I do appreciate it. It's basically the same things my therapist has been warning me about that I have chosen to justify in some way. Which just makes me as bad as he is in hiding and ignoring and most of all denying.
Thank you for all of your insight and thoughts, I do appreciate it. It's basically the same things my therapist has been warning me about that I have chosen to justify in some way. Which just makes me as bad as he is in hiding and ignoring and most of all denying.
Its because he's an addict.
You grew up with addiction.
Something deep inside you feels like this is normal, this is right, this is HOME.
But it really is perpetuating a cycle. Thats what we are trying to tell you, why it feels so right when it is so obviously messed up.
Im sorry.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by seejay3
I want to say, but you guys don't know him, that he's an amazing person to me and the kids, that I've never felt so loved when he looks at me, that at times I do feel special and worthy enough that he would pick me over his drinking. But as I say these things even I know I'm wrong. Why? I guess I will be asking myself that for a long time.
Thank you for all of your insight and thoughts, I do appreciate it. It's basically the same things my therapist has been warning me about that I have chosen to justify in some way. Which just makes me as bad as he is in hiding and ignoring and most of all denying.
Thank you for all of your insight and thoughts, I do appreciate it. It's basically the same things my therapist has been warning me about that I have chosen to justify in some way. Which just makes me as bad as he is in hiding and ignoring and most of all denying.
If love could fix our addicts, none of us would be here. Also, as my friends therapist told her "always be leary of someone who makes you feel too good about yourself."
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by seejay3
Why? I guess I will be asking myself that for a long time.
So sorry, seejay.
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