fluffyflea

[

DoubleBarrel is right, please take his suggestion.


QUOTE=DoubleBarrel;3697987]Please read as much as you can about the emotional problems that are caused by children with an active addict. It is vitally important to know how badly just being around him will hurt your kids.
Please do this before you go further. It is real.[/QUOTE]

BoxinRotz

Whatever you decide to do, PLEASE!!! don't run down the isle to the alter! He is with you now n you are with him... you don't need a piece of paper with dried ink keeping you from a clean break down the road if you so choose. He has made it apparent that his life is just ducky (quack quack) with you picking up his slack. Don't add to your misery.

I called 1-888-4alanon. I gave them my city n state n they told me where they meet. I wish you well!

redatlanta

Please go to al anon.

When I foudn out my AH was drinking again after 10 years sober I did everything I thought I could to make him stop. It didn't work. It doesn't work for anybody.

And while doing so I lost focus on MY life. I have a pretty successful side business that is young and I love I just STOPPED because I didn't have the energy to focus. All my energy was spent searching for THE answer, trying to control things in my house, trying to be prepared blah blah blah. I was also unpleasant at my regular job, short with people, uninterested in their problems - listening to their problems is part of my Job - I found myself being sarcastic all too often thinking to myself "you got problems give me a break". My company is preparing to lay off people and I got news that I was one as well. Couldn't help but wonder if it was because my performance and overall attitude sucked. Now I think I am in the clear and might stay but either way I am prepared.

Now I am back to loving my side business, normal at work and I am not sitting around wringing my hands wasting my precious energy and creativity on AH and his problem. When they call it a disease of the family they aren't kidding. You and your children and every aspect of your life are being affected.

So sorry this is happening to you sending prayers and hugs I understand how you feel.

seejay3

The children don't know he has a problem. Like I said he hides it all and doesn't ever act intoxicated. Unless I really pay attention to his behavior and attitude, you can't see it. I once was talking to my oldest and I brought up him trying to cut back, she said she didn't know he drank every day, that "he doesn't ever seem like he is drinking". I honestly do not think (and I'm not being blind here) that the children have any idea how bad it is. He has never had a DUI and he's been pulled over, never even had to take a test, you CAN NOT tell, at all.

I am not getting married yet, I will not until things are in the right place. I went through one marriage for 14 years where he went through periodic times where he just didn't want to work, he was "burnt out". So I did, as much as I needed to to keep a roof and food for my kids.

We have separate accounts, I wouldn't combine. We have a joint that we put money into that is supposed to pay for combined expenses, rent, utilities, food. The problem is, I don't pay for his bills, I put money into our account, what is my part. BUT, I will pay them because it affects keeping heat and food for my children. This is where I have a problem, because even when I bring it up I know and he knows that I will take care of my kids and therefore pay what is necessary. He now has a CC that he is using, great. So this last month he's been great at getting the money in the account, but it is also because he doesn't have to wait for payday to buy his beer, he can charge it. A thought that really bothers me, although I may not pay for it now, later in life I could end up there and I refuse to do that, although in a sense at times I am by paying for the bills as I have.

He has been drinking since high school, only ever just beer. He's never been violent, hardly ever raises his voice, doesn't even get in your face to intimidate. When we do talk, he listens and is very "open" to how I feel, but in the end I know he doesn't care.

So far, everyone that has been the family member tells me to leave, that it will never get better. Are there any other recovering alcoholics that can tell me what you are thinking at this point? From your point of view is me leaving the only thing that will change or help things?

If I did say that was it, how do I do that just before Christmas? How do I tell him I am moving into my house and he can't. The other part that sucks is he has his son (16) that lives with us full time, I wouldn't want to leave him out, he is also so excited about the new house. They may not by my children but I love all three of them, I don't want to lose them either.

seejay3

I checked, the closest al-anon is an hour and twenty minutes away. I work full time and have my kids full time, I can't fit that in.

I will continue with my therapy and do research and reading here.

Live

There's a famous word in alcoholism. It is called YET.
The kids don't know it/see it YET.
He doesn't get beligerent YET.
He is already a mooch.

I really doubt his own family members are telling you to give up on him out of meanness.
I would bet it came really, really hard to them to come to that place.

I hung in there to see ALL the yets, I think. Certainly far more than I could bear, I became a crazy woman over it.

I am just sitting here looking at your question of what to do that will help him or change things (him).

You can't. Because you did not Cause this, you CANNOT control this & you CANNOT change this.

You aren't that powerful and it isn't your right to determine how he should live, it is his right to screw up every single thing he does if he wants to.

You DO get to decide when you have seen and lived with enough yets.

catlovermi

Keep in mind, if you marry this man, his debt becomes yours, you own half of it, legally, in a marriage. His credit card debt - however much he accumulates - his unpaid bills, are now yours.

And if, God forbid, he drives drunk and gets a DUI or is in an accident and is sued, it's YOUR kids' future college fund or your future retirement nest egg that will be decimated as YOUR assets are his, in a lawsuit if you are married.

Alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE, which means it gets worse over time. He has no intentions of changing, so you take responsibility for this, knowing this, preparing for this, if you marry him. You are already paying his bills. It will progress to paying everything, and possibly to bankruptcy, etc., down the line.

It's a lot more than just "I love this man."

It's also, what are you truly going to GET if you marry this man.

Keep your thinking in reality, not in your heart, because your kids' future is on the line, here.

CLMI

Pelican

That statement doesn't agree with your first post statement:


More of a temper? less patient? I think your children see, hear and feel more than you are willing to admit. I wanted to believe I was protecting my children from the effects of my husband's addiction, but I was wrong.

My children could feel my tension, my frustration, my resentments, and my anger because of how I was reacting to his addiction.

The lack of money because he blew all our funds on beer and lottery: they noticed when we shopped thrift stores, and they noticed when we bought canned veggies and fruit instead of fresh.
The need to have everything in order and remove any of our feelings from the home so HE could relax and unwind after work.
The way HE would snap at them for being kids and making mistakes.
The way we walked on egg shells because we didn't want to trigger a negative reaction from HIM.

I will have to agree with Live's post about the YETs of addiction. Your ABF has sexual disfunction from when he drinks to excess. I am familiar with that side effect of drinking beer (my AXH's drug of choice). I am also familiar with the progression of alcoholism~ loss of body function that includes waking up to a wet bed (pissed by a 30-40 year old man), loss of bowel control, vomitting, etc. Guess who usually ends up cleaning up those messes (it is the responsible person in the relationship that cover's all the messes)

You have a chance to give your children (and the 16 year old can have extended visits) a safe, healthy environment that is free from the drama of addiction. Your ABF will have the opportunity to work on his addiction and maybe prove that he can be the responsible adult partner you wish him to be.

As far as Christmas arriving later this month, why do you need to protect him from the consequences of his actions? Why are you inclined to rescue him from himself? Who will rescue your children?

CAPTAINZING2000

Speaking for myself, as an alcoholic and AL Anon, if, I didn't have the money to live on my own, I'd save some money back if, you aren't able to be on your own. Next, I'd ask him to leave. Trust is one of the main ingredients to a relationship. Your relationship with him will ruin your sanity and peace of mind.

Don't settle for less then you deserve in a relationship. Being a couple is hard enough when, people don't lie to each other.

suki44883

I too, am an alcoholic. I have been in recovery for about 4 1/2 years. This is NOT a man you should legally tie yourself to. I promise you will be miserable if you do. That said, all we can do is urge you to do the right thing for yourself and your children. Living with an active alcoholic is torture and your children know more than you think. They may not know exactly what they know, but they know something is definitely wrong.

You said that if you gave him an ultimatum, he would show you the door. That should tell you something. The fact that you are afraid to make him choose is what he is betting on. Is being married so important that you would risk the livelihood of yourself and your children? Marriage can be difficult under the best of circumstances, but when one partner is an active alcoholic, everyone is miserable.

redatlanta

In your first post you said when he is drinking - which seems to be most of the time - he has less patience, has more of a temper and sexual side effects.

In your last post you said when he drinks you can't even tell. So which is it?

Hasn't has a DUI? neither has mine raging drunk for 20 years before he got sober.

Alcoholism doesn't have to be violent or loud to be a problem. He is lying, you can't trust him. Seems he has made it clear between you and the booze the booze wins. You choose to end it and his kids lose - that's what I mean by a disease of the family but sometimes that is just the way it has to be.

kudos to you for keeping finances separate. You are looking at your future and seeing that even so it could end up costing you if you marry him.

I would suggest if you want to ask other RA the question of what's going on in your situation that you post your question in the alcoholism forum you will get more responses from the people you want.

So sorry about all this SeeJay - it sucks for everybody.

thislonelygirl

first of all saying that his problem isnt a big problem and isnt noticable or the children have not noticed is incorrect ....correct for now but incorrect in general. the children willl know and it will get worse....untreated alcoholism does which is what makes it so deadly.
children catch on to things and perceive things even at times better than adults. i know this because i was young and i noticed things and remember things....even a fight between my parents. i was about 2 or 3. my mom still cant believe i remembered that. you make the best decision for YOUR life...if you think your fiance should move into the house with you then thats your decision but if anything boundaries are a great alternative. this being if you do not seek treatment you are no longer welcome here.....etc

Tuffgirl

I wish I had found Al-Anon and this site BEFORE I married my A. I wish someone would have said this to me. I knew, two months before the wedding, that something was bad wrong here. But, like you, I had an arsenal of justifications to make it into something it wasn't. He was stressed. This was a big change. Work was busy. His family aggravates him. So and and so forth. It was all BS! The man was an alcoholic, and acting as such. And I ignored the glaring red flags and my inner voice and went ahead with it all.

One of the reasons was the sense of obligation I felt, having gotten myself and my daughters into this to begin with. I felt I had to carry it through. Don't ask me why - looking back on it I see it was my own denial at its finest. But I felt compelled to honor my word, as if that would somehow magically change the situation.

Don't be me, or the many of us here who have walked in your shoes. You know something is way wrong or you wouldn't be here looking for validation. Your inner voice is screaming at you - LISTEN TO IT!

Take some time here and step way back from it all. The only way to really think clearly is to put some space between yourself and this situation. Don't allow yourself to excuse yourself out of seeking help. Having a full-time job and children is not an excuse to not go to Al-Anon meetings. Ask a friend or neighbor for help with the kids. Rely on friends. Tell people this is happening and you need help. The weight of carrying this dirty little secret around will be lifted as soon as you start addressing it and talking about it. I imagine - even though we are a bunch of strangers and you are anonymous here - it feels good to let it all out, right?

Keep reading, keep educating yourself, know you are not stuck in this situation, and keep coming back!
~T

DoubleBarrel

Like I said, do as much reading as you can.
Even if the kids don't know he's drinking, don't see it, whatever, that can actually be worse, because mood swings, hangovers, arguments, all that are even more scary, because as kids, they don't know what causes it. Please read up.

BlueSkies1

I myself, would not let A SINGLE DIME that should go to raising my children be spent on somebody else's beer.
Think about it.
That's not to make you feel guilty. That's to ask you--what would your response be if a friend came to you with the same story? What would you tell them? It might help to see your own story as if it were somebody else's, more objectively.
Three children...buying a new house for you and them right at Christmastime...all that sounds great! The man in your life? Not so great.

LoveMeNow

Perhaps you may want to look at YOU more then him before making this move. Are you seeing any similarities in your past and current relationships?? Where you a child of an alcoholic/addict parent? Are you always trying to change, rescue or fix your partners??

Until you fix you, you will keep making the same mistakes over and over. I would highly suggest reading Codependent No More as soon as possible. There are many books about Alcoholism/addiction to read too but starting with YOU is most important.

Sadly, alcoholics/addicts know us better then we know ourselves. The combination of an addict and a codependent person is very common and it is the perfect storm waiting to happen.

P.S. (Already, I see one big similarity...your ex and current BF both want you to support them, JMO)

seejay3

I am NOT marrying him right now. I WILL not until there is a commitment with actions that prove he is wanting to quit.

Contradictory? You can't tell, but his mood changes? Let me clarify. No one would ever see him and say he's been drinking. Me? I can see it in his eyes, in the subtle things he does because I know when he is and when he isn't, I know what causes the changes. Kids? He may snap at them now and then when they push buttons but not overly more than I would at times when tired, cranky or had a bad day.

He has been drinking since early high school, he is now 38 years old.

seejay3

I just downloaded the book codependent no more.

I have never been a drinker, very very seldom. I hated it. My dad (although I never knew him) died an alcoholic, drank until his esophagus burst and bled to death. My mom, bi-polar and alcohol always led to so many problems. My older sister, recovering addict/alcoholic (5 years now, 6 in Jan). My younger sister, current alcoholic.

Did I really do this to myself?

BlueSkies1

Before any marriage, we call that the honeymoon phase, right? Any problems within any relationship, with be amplified if not addressed and corrected.

You didn't pick your family. You are so far, choosing him. That you are doing to yourself, the others came with being born into that family.
You choose where the cycle ends.

NYCDoglvr

No, nothing. At Alanon we learn we are powerless over other people. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so it will get worse. Like alcoholics we codependents also suffer from denial. Understand the importance of alcohol to an active alcoholic: higher power, God, great love of his life, best friend, savior. That's simply how their distorted thinking works. Everything they say and do is filtered by alcohol. I'm something of an authority on this disease since I'm sober 21 years.

My heart goes out to you.