dollydo

"Anyway, he is now over 90 days sober and has been going to AA meetings every day for over 120 days."

Alcoholism is an addiction, he is addicted to alcohol,and will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not...that is it. There is no cure for this disease...none.

Hollyanne

Just a small observation.
The very first response to this young lady's first post, was telling her she sounds selfish.
That is kind of mean.
Also, the OP has stated that she does not believe he is an alcoholic but a few posters insist on him being one.
She will figure it all out, as many do.
Sometimes it seems we take a sledgehammer to a tack around SR.

Seren

Hello LookingForHelp9, Welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry to hear about how alienated you are feeling from your boyfriend. None of us here can tell you if he is an alcoholic or not. It does sound like something about the meetings he is attending appeals to him.

One thing I do agree with is that you need to talk to him. It might, perhaps, be best if you did so at a time when you are not so angry about this whole experience.

If he is really getting something out of AA, then that's great--and it's his decision to continue to attend as an adult with free will. Also, whether he is an alcoholic or not, your decision to enjoy a glass of wine with your meals is something he will have to learn to accept as well.

I am sorry you are so unhappy about all of this and do hope you will find a moment and have an honest talk with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. I wish you every success!

HG

Hopeworks

Lookingfor,

There are two fellowships in AA... the meetings and the program. It sounds like your bf has actually connected with a sponsor who is taking him through the spiritual program of recovery through the 12 steps. It is life changing and a yes... a person can change as they go through this program.

While you may think that you know your bf better than he knows himself it is quite possible that you do not know his innermost fears, thoughts, childhood traumas, possible obsessions with substances etc. They may or may not exist... but you are not all knowing and can only assume that you know his deepest most secret thoughts and feelings.

You miss going to "your bar" together and having a wine without guilt. What does he miss? Obviously it is not that experience at this time and maybe he is growing out of bars... some people do leave that scene behind as they mature.

I am only speculating and throwing stuff out there. Do you have other things you like to do together that do not involve drinking? Bike riding, bowling, hiking, volunteering for charities.... anything?

Honestly... in a really healthy relationship the removal of alcohol shouldn't make either party uncomfortable. It's kind of an odd sign...that it is so important that it is a glue that seemed to be a big part of your lifestyle.

Retread59

It just sounds to me like you don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. If he's embracing the program, he must have found something in it that he relates to.

My husband and I had a similar relationship, but I am the alcoholic in the equation. He still drinks, I don't like it, but I can't change what he does. I wish I could go back to that old life and pretend I don't have the problems I have, but I can't do that. I'm sure he misses that, too, but for our relationship to survive we are going to have to get used to this "new normal."

I'm not sure what you want your boyfriend to do. Do you want him to stop going to AA? Do you want him to drink again? It sounds like you just don't want to believe that this man actually is the alcoholic he is now apparently claiming to be. But I'm afraid that's not up to you to determine. I know my husband would rather me not have this problem, but it is what it is. You have to decide whether or not you're willing to be in a relationship with an alcoholic or not. Maybe the answer is no.

LookingforHelp9

I had a few long talks with my boyfriend since this posting first happened. In reponse to everyone insisting he is an addict or alcoholic, I will continue to say that he is not. He has also admitted and rezlied that he is not. What he is is someone with low self-esteem searching for a purpose in life. AA has apparently been a place where he has found some sort of new-found purpose in life. His adoration for his sponsor has supported his "obsession" with AA. My boyfriend cannot afford to go to a psychologist to figure out these issues, so for now, AA is providing a place for him to go to feel better about himself.

I still struggle with these issues and the issues that Ive mentioned in the past, but I have a better understanding of why he has taken to it so fully.

In response to those who insist that "we don't have a connection, we only had booze, blah blah blah"... I will say that of course we do things that have nothing to do with drinking. Everyday. Me saying that I miss going to "our bar" was because it was a nice little tradition we had of going to the bar where we had our first date once a month to try a different beer on their "mug list". If going to a bar once a month to have a beer or two constitutes a problem, well, then, ****. I must be an alcoholic.

Thank you to all those who were considerate enough to be thoughtful in their words... I still firmly believe in AA helping those who cannot help themselves, I felt stuck in a spot where I became helpless in fighting for my boyfriends attention that was in my opinion, forced and stolen, by AA.

AA is not for everyone. Some people ARE forced to go there, even if they don't have a problem. My struggle was that I know my boyfriend is not an alcoholic so I didn't know why he took to the program. Now that I know it is because of depression and low self-esteem, I know why he now clings to it. I just, unfortunately, wish he would do it with a psychologist instead of an AA group. But, whatever works... As long as he "feels better about himself" after meetings, that is all that I care about, for now. Hopefully over time, I can make him feel loved and special enough that he won't need to get validation and positive mantras from his sponsor and meetings everyday.

Thanks again to all...

kwe118

Lookingfor, I have read, and read. I am a blunt one. It is your boyfriend's choice to attend AA after his mandated time in the rooms. His professional life depends on his sobriety right now, only he knows if he's an alcoholic. If he wants or needs to attend, so be it. I am an alcoholic, not in AA, not a stepper BUT I would never irregardless of my issue with alcohol, want my partner to leave if they felt the need to be in AA. This is your issue, with him. You cannot blame AA for your relationship possibly going sour, or not. You can't control , let nature take it's course. The only one stoppng you from having a glass of wine is you. He is not stopping you either, from what I read. I am sorry, but I would be running out the door, if someone was having issues with my getting sober, or me being an alcoholic and going to meetings. The only one cramping your style is you...wow, if he was mandated into AA, the Bar just doesn't magically pull out of a hat, a name of a social drinker, that can put down. They (Bar Assoc) obviously has had some contact with your BF, and issues around possibilities of alcoholism. Now that yout BF possibly reailzes it's a problem for HIM, he has found a possible solution...I am stunned......to those who have remained neutral, I commend you

Florence

I've known my AH since we were kids. We were foodies, lived in restaurants and kitchens, drank like fish, it seemed like it was all fun. He has no legal troubles from his drinking. Zero.

We lived together for three years before I figured out he had a drinking problem. It turns out he basically had a secret life, one where drinking was the primary purpose of his life. When the chips fell, I and my life with him were secondary to his relationship with booze.

I get being sad about giving up a big part of the foodie lifestyle. I get that. But you need to decide whether making this sacrifice is worth it, or if you're married to the foodie lifestyle and you and your boyfriend just aren't compatible anymore.

I think you're being naive about a couple of things: 1) That you know him to his core. We know what we see. The rest is conjecture. I'm reading a lot of conjecture here. 2a) He's being deluded and 2b) you know how to fix it. Why? 2a) He's a grown man and can do whatever he wants, up to and including joining a cult if that rings his bell. So can you. Can you live with him as he is today on this path in his life? If not, cut your losses. 2b) This is mega-controlling, and perhaps it's worthwhile to recognize that you can't run his life for him.

You're aiming your aggression and feelings of suffering an unfair lot at outside forces, but frankly, it sounds like your boyfriend suffered some really negative consequences around his behavior, he's reckoning with them, and the problem here is actually your feelings of negativity, your withholding of emotional support, and your need to control him. I'd stop looking at what everyone else is doing wrong and turn that lens inward. That's what we do here.

Florence

Also, you can't "make [anyone] feel" anything. That's also something we explore here.

lillamy

I've seen people here whose spouses are alcoholics feel threatened by AA. So I think I get that. My AXH never went to AA, but I felt like he was cheating on me with the booze. I guess on some level, whenever something else is more important to the person we love than we are, it does feel like a threat to the relationship.

I think it's human to want to be enough for the person we love. I know, for me, I felt like I was lacking or failing when my AXH needed something that I couldn't provide. (In his case, drinking.)

I quoted those two passages because they reminded me of how I viewed my AXH while we were married. I felt like he was weak and lacking insight, and that's why he was drinking. I felt like I knew better than he did what he needed. And that, I've realized in retrospect, made me controlling. I didn't trust him to make his own decision, didn't trust him to be an adult. I thought I knew better, and I really wanted to make the decisions for him.

AA didn't take my husband away from me; drinking did. But in the process, I learned a different way of having a relationship. A way where it is OK for the person I love to want and need things I can't give them, as long as I am still a priority in their life. It's OK for the person I love to need to commit a lot of time to something other than me (whether it be AA, or a work project, or physical rehab after a motorcycle accident) if that is important to them.

I don't know if any of this helps at all, but those are the thoughts I had when I was reading your posts.

Tuffgirl

Looking, I can see from your side of this that you may be right...you two are now traveling down different paths. But not because he is attending secret meetings. But because he is choosing to address some things in his life, that may or may not be related to alcohol, has a sponsor and is working the AA steps, and is changing.

I can assure you working the steps of AA (or Al-Anon, as our side does) is a life changing experience for someone who embraces it. It is a good thing, for the person making the introspection and personal changes. But it can also significantly change relationships. Many do not make it through early "recovery", and I say this because you are assured he is not an alcoholic. But he is in "recovery" nonetheless, by continuing AA and taking the program seriously.

My marriage didn't. But I was married to a true alcoholic and no, I didn't see that side of him until we were well into a relationship (and married already). Yes, alcoholics are masters at hiding stuff from others. I thought I knew my ex husband well. Turns out, I knew the man he wanted me to know. And that man wasn't who he truly was.

So, looks to me as if you have two options. Walk away from this guy and call it "incompatible", or wait, as others have said, to see what happens. Stop forcing your ideal of a relationship on him. Allow him the freedom to explore himself for a while. Go find your own hobbies/friends/activities and focus on those. Spend time with him when you can, but don't put a bunch of expectations on him. Just be patient. More will be revealed, and the joy in that is you don't even have to do anything except be patient and quiet and watch.

It really is your choice. He has already made his.

Good luck! And P.S., if you really are curious about AA, go to some open meetings. I went to a lot. It was amazingly helpful to understand it all firsthand.
~T

bjames

We're not going to be able to give you the answers you want/need. You need to talk to him. Have you asked HIM why he is still going? And why he has a sponsor if he is not an alcoholic? Also (and this is an ongoing debate among doctors, psychiatrists, etc) I think that alcohol affects alcoholics differently than others. Perhaps his going to AA has made him see that he maybe liked drinking a little TOO much... or needed it too much... just a thought. Maybe he has heard things that make him think he could be predisposed to becoming an alcoholic.

BadCompany

People early in recovery are hyper sensitive to any drinking around them. It is a phase. It will pass. If you want to see what goes on, find an AA meeting classifies as an "open" meeting and go and check it out. Worse that will happen is they will steal your brain and make you into a zombie. How bad can that be?

soberlicious

I don't think this is about AA. I think this is about him making a change on his own and you feel excluded. He could have quit like I did without a program or group, and you would still be having the same feelings. You probably feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, but life is about change and growth. Change is inevitable. Couples decide whether they will grow together or grow apart. Your focus on alcohol seems rather intense. I remember a time when I absolutely would have chosen alcohol over my spouse, but I was addicted. What's your deal?

kudzujean

"I just have read too many things that say AA ruins relationships because of the secretiveness of AA and all of the relationships, lingo, etc. that the partners arent aware of.
"

Where in the sam hill did you read such a thing?

edited for spelling

mfanch

Whenever I read "I have heard....", I stop reading. It's just more analysis paralysis.

A thought: instead of your current stance, maybe you can learn about things by considering Al-Anon? Maybe if you can't have it your way, maybe an open-minded attitude about "his new way"? It's not a secret club.

If not, and he is serious about changing his life via AA (and you are against it), then moving on is the alternative, in my experience.

miamifella

I am still trying to understand what the wedge is that is being driven between your bf and you. I am not part of AA, and disagree with a lot of the program, but I do not understand what your problem is with your bf going to meetings.

You say you feel he is judging you. What does he say when you bring this up?

A lot of the questions you are asking here might be better asked of your bf. Is there a reason you are not asking him?

You do not need to do anything in particular to be supportive. You can still have a glass of wine with dinner and still live your life as you did.

You say that you are troubled by something he is doing, yet you are not actually coming out and telling us what your fella is saying and doing that bothers you---instead you are talking about stuff you read on the internet or complaining about the people on the bar.

Is there any actual problem you are having with your bf? If you were more explicit, you might get better help here.

Shadydeal

Thank you for your post! I don't think you are being selfish and I understand. You have to remember moat of us would love love for your loved ones to attend AA because they have a real problem. A very serious problem and we want anything that will help them. I have a very close friend that started going/getting involved in AA years ago bc she felt she had a problem. I remembering being so shocked bc she was. My college roommate and years down the road lived with me during this phase of her life. I was supportive but did not think she had a problem! She may have at that time but i would be surprised since she was again roommate at that time. Anyway, it lasted awhile and passed. Now 20 years later....no issues in that department. Without trying to be disrespectful to her she does/did like attention. So I hope if he needs to be there he stays....you will hope so too! Trust us but if not then it may likely pass. Then I had my XABF that truly has a problem & did spend sometime in AA after rehab. Wish he'd stuck with it because life was hell. However, I was a little resentful bc I felt like such an outsider not to mention the reason he was going was for the WRONG reasons. I was unaware at that time but that is either here nor there.....I can certainly understand why/how you feel that way. I think it's odd that he identifies so easily so maybe just maybe he needs to be there. Trust me, if he does your one of he lucky ones! Time will tell but I think there is little you can do but try not to be resentful but supportive! Hang in there!

dandylion

Dear LookingForHelp, this discussion brings an aspect to mind that has not been mentioned---but, might be at least one (maybe not ALL) dynamic that n o one has thought of.

I had this touched on in some of my psychology courses and a couple of times in professional writings. It appears that men have a need to be in interaction with other male groups. This can pose a problem if they are never given the opportunity to do so.

After learning (and believing) this surprising fact--I became much more generous with my husband. As a matter of fact, I talked to him about this at length---and he agreed that this is a need that he also felt, as a man. Sooo, I decided that I would never gripe again about him watching the sunday football games with the "boys", and, I became more tolerant of his meetings at a fraternal organization (as long as it didn't overtake all his time). His profession was one that was dominated by women and he worked in an estrogen-laden environment all day---LOL.

Just thought that I would mention this subject. I would also be interested in other's comments on this.

It seems clear that your boyfriend is getting something out of the meetings that mean a lot to him. Youall have already done some good talking together about this since you first began this post. Keep up the talking and you will eventually work it out---for better or worse. This sounds like it is a work (relationship work) in progress.

Sincerely, dandylion

seekingcalm

It has been a long while since I have visited this site. Three years ago, SR saved my life and freed me actually from the prison of living with an active alcoholic.
The love of my life has almost 3 years of sobriety, and a strong program of recovery in AA. He has a great sponsor and wonderful friends. It has only been in the last couple of months, that I will have a glass of wine in his company. I like to drink a glass when I cook. In the beginning, I just didn't because I didn't want it on my breath when I was with him. But little by little, as he continues on his own path of recovery, I sometimes do. It's no big deal, he is fine with it, and I don't feel that I am making his sobriety difficult or anything. Even though I know that I have no control whatsoever on his sobriety, I am sensitive to his efforts. We have been out with other couples, sometimes I have a glass of wine with dinner, sometimes not. If it was an issue for him, I wouldn't do it. His journey, and the man he has become mean more to me than anything. AA and the program of recovery it offers, has given me a wonderful partner, self-aware, and thoughtful, and grateful to be where he is in his relationships, and his career. None of it would be possibe without AA, for him and for us.