BlueSkies1

So your bf is going to become a lawyer. Hmmm.

Lawyers work long long hours. Lawyers hold hundreds of meetings, thousands of phone calls, and thousands of tidbits of info that they never share with their spouse, or SO, and for starters, it would take all night to go over the day's details to a non-lawyer...exhausting.
Food for thought--How are you going to handle when he is gone until 11 p.m. because he is working on a big case, and when he gets home after such a long day doesn't want to go over it again for your benefit?
AA meetings are going to seem like NOTHING compared to the things happening in his life in the near future that he won't be sharing with you. Just something to think about in comparison.

One other tidbit--since he is going to become a lawyer, I sure hope that he can't be so easily manipulated that he has joined a "cult" of AA...because if nothing else, lawyers sure need to be quick thinkers, and recognize manipulation as soon as they see it, or he's not going to become much of a lawyer. So you had best be in his camp on this one...it's either his own free will without manipulation, or he's doomed to be pushing papers for other lawyers in the back room.

SadHeart

If your relationship fell apart because he's no longer drinking and going to AA, then it sort of sounds like your relationship was based on drinking. If this is the only thing that changed, and that change ruined your relationship, then it follows alcohol had a bigger part in your relationship than you thought.

How could that be? Well, he could have been relying on alcohol more than you know. Plenty of us here can attest to partners who have drunk secretly for years--and we never knew. Maybe that's why he doesn't want you to go with him; he's confessed there what he hasn't confessed to you.

Or maybe he's felt that perhaps you rely too much on alcohol and are in denial, and AA has given voice to his private reservations about your drinking and is now slowly getting the courage from AA to voice his concerns and disapproval.

The only way to know is to talk to him without being judgmental and upset.

That you've known him 10 years does not mean you know his drinking habits or his opinion of yours (if he has any). Really, it's very easy for drinkers to hide alcohol abuse from a live in partner or from him/herself for a decade. It's not unusual.

Someone could force me into AA. I suppose that in the last 30 years I've been intoxicated twice. I can think of once in college and once in 1995. They didn't have legal consequences, but they happened. However, I don't have a drinking problem at all.

So I could go to AA and nothing would change in my life. I'd attend as required, sit politely and listen, make friends, do my time, fulfill my requirement and my current drinking habits wouldn't change one bit, nor would I look at my partner's habits differently. Because there's no drinking issues. Our relationship doesn't depend on either of us drinking or not drinking. It would be weird, but if either of us asked the other for whatever reason to stop drinking for 90 days, the other would say, that's a weird request but okay. There is no part of our life in which the quality of our lives depends on drinking.

So there's something more going on that you aren't aware of: it's not AA, it's either an opening awareness of your boyfriend of his drinking or yours. Or maybe both. He maybe right or wrong about you, but he cannot be wrong about himself.

If one partner stops drinking and it hurts the relationship, drinking was being misused in the relationship. The only way to find out what's going on is to talk to him.

DoubleBarrel

I understand how you feel, and that you know him so well, but I am sorry to tell you that it is entirely possible that you have no clue whatsoever what he was going through.
My wife never knew that I was a full blown drug addict. Slept with me every night, never missed a meal, never went to rehab.
She never knew it.
She also never knew and hopefully will never comprehend the obsession, the internal struggle and constant craving for alcohol. The nights I drank alone for hours after she went to sleep.
It's not an insut to you.
He is an intelligent man, and this is an insidious disease. i don't know either of you, but there IS a chance that there were things going on right in front of your nose, that you didn't see, were covered up, that you couldn't know.

allforcnm

I understand where you are coming from on this. Your boyfriend was forced to attend in order to pursue his career, even though I agree it sounds like he has no issues with alcohol or drugs. But once he got there, he got swept in most likely by the sad stories, all the emotional aspects of it. And when you are forced to go for 90/90 depending on your personality type there can be for lack of a better word: some brainwashing that occurs. You get to know these people, and they all have strong beliefs, and then you start to look at aspects of your life and you become insecure and thinking they are right. That happens because he is insecure just as you said.

I dont think you are crazy, and I dont think that you are jealous of AA, but you are just angry that he got put into this type of situation, and you can sense odd changes in him like calling his sponsor during the day, etc. when he doesnt need to for drinking.

If I were you, when he is able to afford some private counseling, I would suggest that he do that. He needs to figure out why he would be so suseptible to this type of situation, and really look at his own personal issues. I have no complaints on AA either; for those that need it. My husband is 8 months clean from opiates, but he did not use AA/NA method because it was just not right for him, and Alanon was just not right for me as a family member. But to be honest, a lot of people get forced into it for various reasons who dont want, or sometimes need to be there. You also have to remember, that the sponsors in AA / NA / ALANON are just people who share their own personal views based on their life experience. And obviously people that attend willingly, have their own sets of issues or they would not be there. So he needs to really look at the advice he is getting, and make sure confusion is not running supreme in his mind leading him off track.

Hopefully when he starts working, he will be able to develop other interest and some of this will fade....if he needs it, he will seek professional counseling for his insecurities, and you will get your boyfriend back.

Best of luck !

kwe118

Your BF is insecure? I would have to say in this case, maybe you should take a good look @ you, and why YOU feel this way. Alcoholics often feel shame at their drinking, we have hid from those we love. The only one, that can say whether your BF is an alcoholic is your BF. We hide behind the bottle for various reasons Could you feel you have lost a drinking buddy, I have no idea. You minimize him to being insecure, depression, and low self esteem. Maybe you should turn this around, counselling, and take a look at you, you are the one with the issue with all this, not meaning to be harsh, it all comes back to him, when you have the issue with his new found sobriety. There is more to come as a lawyer, as in a previous post, long hours, and stress. Thankfully he addressing this earlier. He is a grown man, who is capable of making his own decisions based on what he has learned about himself. Manipulation is coming from? he is likely seeing things more clearly. Putting blame, or because someone wrote something you didn't like, making you feel badly. Not everyone is going to see it your way, and that is okay, like i said I am no AA, but I do not think it is in any way, out to brainwash him, he is a man.....Deflecting, circular reasoning, pointing fingers....clearly there is some insecurity. If this is truly meant to be, it will.

redatlanta

Hi Looking - It sounds like you have much resentment at the bar association for mandating that he do this.

I worked in that field for 12 years. It is riddled and saturated with alcoholism and drug addiction. Nature of the beast - long, long hours and a camraderie that is generally inclusive of a lot of drinking to blow off steam. Your bf will be an "officer of the court" therefore expected to uphold laws and to be a more "exemplary" citizen than the average.

It sounds like your BF is not an alcoholic - at least that is what you say so I will go with it. But he did make some poor choices at one time (and yes we all do) - a poor choice after obtaining his JD could result in loss of his license. In my state a DUI is grounds to revoke that license. Can you imagine spending all that time and money to become an attorney then losing the ability to practice over a "stupid" mistake? It really does happen. I think you should try not to be angry that he was forced to do this. The intent is not to punish him, rather to equip him for success in his chosen field and to reinforce him not to make another "stupid" decision.

Perhaps you should attend an open meeting with him. I have been to a couple with my AH and have gone to support other friends. I am not an alcoholic yet to me the 12 step program can be applicable to everyone (except step 1 if you aren't alcoholic) - my view is that the program offers many things aside from overcoming addiction. What's wrong with becoming a better person? What's wrong with inspiration? What's wrong with finding your higher power?

Sounds as if BF went in with an open mind and found something that was meaningful to him. You were angry about it, maybe he was I don't know you haven't said (I don't think) what his opinion was about going.

These kinds of changes in relationships are difficult, very difficult. As you get older you will change too. If a relationship is going to survive you either grow together or you grow apart. That doesn't mean that you have to become sober and go to AA - but you will have to support his lifestyle changes.

Its been a real struggle for you - wishing you the best.

ShootingStar1

I believe it was Carl Rogers, the renowned psychologist, who wrote that a long term marriage is actually a series of marriages negotiated by change then commitment again as each person grows.

ShootingStar1

glasseskeyboard

Hi, LookingforHelp9, are you still there? PM if you are.

mdkathy62

Good afternoon LookingforHelp9,

Thank you for sharing. Your question is a unique one and interesting as well. I would suggest going with him, after asking him if you can and if you want to, to an AA meeting. My ex and I are no longer together and he was an alcoholic, but I attended many, many AA meetings with him. It helped me to see that AA is not super secretive, they, or at least this group, truly embraced anyone who walked through the door. I reached a point where people greeted me by name and encouraged me to keep coming back and support him. AA to me, is less about the physical act of drinking and more about character defects, which they speak about a lot in the meetings, e.g., self-centeredness, procrastination, pride, shame, control, etc. I felt a huge change going to AA despite not being an alcoholic either. I still have my occasional drink, but what changed me most in AA was all the conversations about character defects because while I was not an alcoholic, I share a lot of the same character defects as any other alcoholic, I just cope with it differently. I am yes, controlling, self-centered, have a big ego, and so forth.

It sounds like you feel very frustrated with a change that took place without your consent. I would be frustrated too. I think the question isn't so much whether or not he is an alcoholic, but whether or not you can accept him now that this is part of his life. Would it be different had he joined a church group and started asking these same questions about himself, character defects, and such? I was told before that I cling onto a past image of my ex (when we were together and I was trying to hold onto the relationship). I kept wanting him to be the way he used to be, but I was not accepting him for who he is now. The past is irrelevant because he wasn't that same person anymore. Similarly, I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, a few weeks ago, or even yesterday. Maybe something else to consider is, are you willing to be with him for the rest of your life if he chooses to stay on this path? This is not to say that you're a bad person, but his goals for the kind of person HE wants to be has changed-now he wants to abstain from alcohol and be active in AA-and it sounds like what YOU want him to be differs from what he wants.

Just some thoughts. Perhaps also ask yourself if the tables were turned and you decided to be active in AA, would he support you? Would you want him to support you? I don't think you should feel bad about continuing to drink. When my ex was in AA, I continued to live my life and learned (through AA as well) that when I feel like other people are judging me, that is not their problem, but that is MY problem. That is my own insecurity and it's not a reflection of them, but of me. And even if he did judge you, then his judgment is HIS problem, not yours.

susiedancer

I agree, I think going to Al-Anon meetings would help you understand the bonding that happens in AA and your role in this.
And, yes, you may lose him because you may not be what he needs any longer. Life does go on and perhaps you'll meet someone that is better suited for you too.

fluffyflea

Why don,t you try an open A.A meeting and sit and listen and then go to an Alanon meeting. You sound like you are taking this really personally.

firebolt

If the only thing it has changed about your relationship so far is that it makes you uncomfortable to drink around him, and you lose an hour a day for 90 days with him, then it doesn't sound like too bad of a deal.

On the separate lives away from eachother - thats OK and actually very healthy. I realize it makes you uncomfortable that you don't know what's going on at his meetings. This is 1 thing he has that you aren't involved in, and thats OK! You can do your own thing while he's at meetings, and you might learn to value the time one your own.

I would worry about if YOU are going to drive a wedge into your relationship over it. You can't help it if the AA does - what will happen will happen, and I would hope a good relationship could survive his meetings for 3 months.

You and he could make some extra effort to do non drinking things together - go to shows, hike, camp, anything!

You can deal with the situation in 2 ways - don't support it and see what happens, or support him and see what happens. if it's a good relationship, then only 1 of those seems like a healthy option. Good luck to you!

hamabi

You didn't mention if he was sworn in or not. Is it still up in the air pending further decision by the Bar members given the responsibility for this kind of oversight?

This is a hoop he apparently must jump through for a while to satisfy those with an interest, and then he can stop if he cares to, and then if he wants to he can keep you happy by drinking with you and going out together to your old bars.

I don't see AA portrayed here by members or loved ones in the way that you describe you are perceiving it. You may instead choose to rely on the commonly good experience regarding AA of people here, which might help to allay any baseless fears.

bamboo10

My opinion is that aa saves lives. It saved my grandfathers and I hope it will save my boyfriends. I don't think aa ruins relationships-I honk alcohol does, and I think that when an a gets sober but his actions don't change in the way he treats his significant other ruins relationships.

tomsteve

looking, here is another suggestion( and i hope ya come back and let us know how yer doin):
if he's in AA, he should have the big book. pick it up and read the chapters "the family afterwards" and "to wives." what you express is nothing new. it is addressed in them chapters and some good solutions given.

susiedancer

Hey, sounds like your relationship has changed. You either go with his new way of life and try to fit in or get ready to let it go. Sad but people do change.

thislonelygirl

In my opinion you need to go to al anon or see someone. This anger you are feeling is unhealthy for you and for your recovering boyfriend.
Be thankful he is getting help and not in jail in the hospital dead or sitting around drinkimg blowing every cent to alcohol and talking -raging etc in a alcoholic mental state.
You brought up your drinking.. you can drink if you like . Thats your business
But if your drinking impacts his sobreity .....I would suggest backing off. Saying it In the nicest way here but honestly think about that anger.....and think about it 10xs worse if he were drinking.
Sobreity is precious and it should be protected and cherished. To do so one must climb mountains and run trails. He cant do that without a program. Try to support him and help yourself by artending one as well.

thislonelygirl

^ yup!

LookingforHelp9

Thanks everyone for all the posts...

I've realized my drinking doesn't bother him, and I don't drink around him as much. Like I've said in all of my previous posts, neither one of us are alcoholics, so drinking/not drinking is really not the issue at hand. The issue at hand has always been his going to meetings and working the steps.

I've read about the steps and read out of the Big Book and I can't help but think it is for people with major weaknesses and character flaws who are forced to admit they are powerless over their issues. I just haven't grown up that way. I think its important to be honest and own your issues and deal with them head-on.

If we are all being honest here I just have to say (and I'm not trying to insult anyone, by any means), but I see attending AA as weak. I don't want to be in a relationship or married to someone in AA. I keep stressing the importance of him seeing a professional in order to deal with his emotional issues, but he doesn't have the money to do that.

To address the one question about whether or not I'd be supportive if he joined a church group instead... YES, I WOULD BE. Because church groups don't have a negative stigma on them and I won't have to worry about people in the community or co-workers, etc. seeing my boyfriend in AA meetings. If he is not an addict, but needs psychiatric help with life issues and his past, then AA is not the place to be to properly treat these issues.

I have a strong personality and have been through a lot in my life. My mother passed away from cancer when I was young and my father has cancer now. I am a rock, emotionally, and have a hard time when the person who is supposed to be MY rock ends up being an incredibly weak-mided and low self-esteem person.

So, to sum it all up, I guess I'm mad at the Bar for forcing him in this. But I guess I'm mad at AA for all of a sudden getting him feeling insecure and hating himself, and to be honest, maybe for just existing and turning my life upside down.

I know I have come off pretty harsh, but I'm just trying to work out all of these feelings. I feel like AA should stress the importance of going to see a licensed professional for people with other issues besides addiction. I feel like most addiction starts with personal issues anyway...

As for the state of our relationship, I am slowly bowing out. I didn't sign up for this in the first place. When we started dating, we had a happy life, normal social life, and enjoyed the finer things. We can't really do that anymore and who he is now compared to who is was is very different. He stil loves me and I love him, but I just can't continue on a path that I don't want for my future.

For everyone with loved ones who ARE addicts, I commend you. I am not married nor engaged, and it is much easier for me to make the decision that this is not something I want in my life. I couldn't imagine going through this as a newlywed or even a 20-year married couple... I have had many people disappoint me, hurt me ,leave me throughout my life so I have learned to be selfish. I can't continue in a relationship that I'm no longer happy in just because I have high hopes that things will change. What if he ends up continuing going to AA for the rest of our lives? I couldn't deal with that. Im 27, with a great job, great family, great life. I don't need a husband who goes to AA everyday and has confidence issues and needs to be praised and talk to a sponsor everyday.

Many of you will call that harsh, I call it harsh myself... but unfortunately, I just don't have years to waste in a relationship that could potentially end anyway (if he kept going to meetings). I want to get married, take a trip to Napa, have kids, and have my husband going to PTA meetings, not AA meetings.

Thanks again to everyone for listening to my often insensitive and always selfish rants. Your words HAVE helped and they have made me realize its not fair for my boyfriend to be in a relationship with someone as selfish as I when he has needs that are apparently much more than mine.

God bless.

Tuffgirl

LOL - some here will definitely find your response "harsh", and even insulting, but I, for one, find it refreshingly honest and forthright, and I respect you for knowing exactly what you want and insisting on not settling for anything less.

However, I completely disagree with people in AA being weak. I've met a lot of courageous and humble people in those rooms. I think remaining an addict is weak. Not solving your own problems is weak. Blaming others for your lot in life is weak. But going to AA? That's a sure sign of serious strength.

Good luck to you on your journey. With your tenacious attitude, I have no doubt you will go far!

Peace,
~T