Trying to be supportive while AA is ruining my relationship
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Trying to be supportive while AA is ruining my relationship
Hello everyone! I know my problems and issues are way less important than most people are here who are going through recovery and relapse issues. But, Im hoping to at least find some feedback or answers because I have NO ONE to talk to about this.
My boyfriend was forced into AA by the Bar Association (he applied for his Atty license after passing the state bar exam) because of two instances he had while drinking in college. One was a DUI when he was 19 and another was peeing in public a few years ago.
I have known my boyfriend since high school and we started dating in December of 2011. We were dating for 7 months before the major douche at the bar association decided to force him to go into AA instead of actually looking at his case. In those 7 months, not one time did I EVER think that my boyfriend had a drinking problem. We would go to the bar (our bar) and have a beer or two then call it a night and that was that. Any trouble he got in with drinking happened during college years.. (while I know thats where it starts with most people... this is where it ended with my boyfriend.)
Anyway, he is now over 90 days sober and has been going to AA meetings every day for over 120 days. He started going to meetings because he had to, but now he is fully embracing AA and I feel like he has a whole life outside of my relationship. I enjoy wine, champagne, etc... I am a foodie, 100% When I go out to dinner or go out to see friends, I want to enjoy a glass of wine or a special kind of beer.
My drinking is besides the point, or at least it is in my opinion. My boyfriend doesnt vocalize his distaste for my drinking. (Although I know it bothers him because he calls his sponsor all the time)
My issue is that this is driving a huge wedge in between him and I and our relationship.
I have serious anger towards the jack-butt at the Bar Association for forcing him into this, and I also am starting to be bitter and angry at AA for taking my boyfriend away. Not physically, because he only goes to meetings for an hour a day, but emotionally. We have little to do to connect to one another. I never feel at ease with him anymore, and I feel like he is constantly judging.
I know this may be a very unique situation, but I figured its worth a shot to throw my story out there.
None of my friends or family know about this. I am not going to a therapist because of this, so you guys are my only hope.
Ive always wanted a healthy, normal relationship and I thought I had it when we started dating and then my world was flipped upside down.
Anything that I have read about people in relationships with their partner in AA spells doom for me/us. Most people are dealing with people with actual problems. I feel like he is just sucked into a world he doesnt really belong just because everyone else's situations make him feel better? I dont know.
Thinking out loud at this point and can really use some help... What have other people's situations been with a partner in recovery/AA??
My boyfriend was forced into AA by the Bar Association (he applied for his Atty license after passing the state bar exam) because of two instances he had while drinking in college. One was a DUI when he was 19 and another was peeing in public a few years ago.
I have known my boyfriend since high school and we started dating in December of 2011. We were dating for 7 months before the major douche at the bar association decided to force him to go into AA instead of actually looking at his case. In those 7 months, not one time did I EVER think that my boyfriend had a drinking problem. We would go to the bar (our bar) and have a beer or two then call it a night and that was that. Any trouble he got in with drinking happened during college years.. (while I know thats where it starts with most people... this is where it ended with my boyfriend.)
Anyway, he is now over 90 days sober and has been going to AA meetings every day for over 120 days. He started going to meetings because he had to, but now he is fully embracing AA and I feel like he has a whole life outside of my relationship. I enjoy wine, champagne, etc... I am a foodie, 100% When I go out to dinner or go out to see friends, I want to enjoy a glass of wine or a special kind of beer.
My drinking is besides the point, or at least it is in my opinion. My boyfriend doesnt vocalize his distaste for my drinking. (Although I know it bothers him because he calls his sponsor all the time)
My issue is that this is driving a huge wedge in between him and I and our relationship.
I have serious anger towards the jack-butt at the Bar Association for forcing him into this, and I also am starting to be bitter and angry at AA for taking my boyfriend away. Not physically, because he only goes to meetings for an hour a day, but emotionally. We have little to do to connect to one another. I never feel at ease with him anymore, and I feel like he is constantly judging.
I know this may be a very unique situation, but I figured its worth a shot to throw my story out there.
None of my friends or family know about this. I am not going to a therapist because of this, so you guys are my only hope.
Ive always wanted a healthy, normal relationship and I thought I had it when we started dating and then my world was flipped upside down.
Anything that I have read about people in relationships with their partner in AA spells doom for me/us. Most people are dealing with people with actual problems. I feel like he is just sucked into a world he doesnt really belong just because everyone else's situations make him feel better? I dont know.
Thinking out loud at this point and can really use some help... What have other people's situations been with a partner in recovery/AA??
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
Huh-that's strange, being angry at AA for "taking your boyfriend away"
I would be thrilled that he is putting forth such a good effort for recovery.
Don't worry, usually when someone is "forced" to attend AA, it doesn't last, so I guess that's something to look forward to.....
You sound quite selfish to me, but that's just my opinion.
I would be thrilled that he is putting forth such a good effort for recovery.
Don't worry, usually when someone is "forced" to attend AA, it doesn't last, so I guess that's something to look forward to.....
You sound quite selfish to me, but that's just my opinion.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I hear how much of a major upset this has been to your life. Your partner isn't doing what he did before, isn't thinking the same as he did before, somehow the "terms of engagement" appear to have shifted without your participation.
I'm wondering how your boyfriend feels about all of this. Does he identify himself as an alcoholic? While he may have been forced to go to AA for his professional career, from what you write, he sounds like he is embracing AA. Can you give us more information about that?
In the meantime, I hear how difficult it is to feel that the rug has pulled out from under your feet, and I am very sorry for your pain.
ShootingStar1
I'm wondering how your boyfriend feels about all of this. Does he identify himself as an alcoholic? While he may have been forced to go to AA for his professional career, from what you write, he sounds like he is embracing AA. Can you give us more information about that?
In the meantime, I hear how difficult it is to feel that the rug has pulled out from under your feet, and I am very sorry for your pain.
ShootingStar1
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I hear you
I know that I will appear and sound selfish. I am willing to take the heat for that. My posting is one that is selfish.
I hear that you say "You should be proud of his recovery" but my rebuttal to that is that he is not needing recovery.
If I, in any way, thought that he needed to go to AA, had a problem, etc., I would be supportive. But its hard for me to be when I know he is not.
Thank you for the input. I guess I am trying to find out ways to be supportive instead of bitter. This hasn't changed just his life, it has changed mine. I didnt want or need my life to change (hence, the selfishness part).
I just don't know how I am supposed to be supportive when I don't believe in what he is doing and that almost every single thing I read is that AA is a cult.
Try to make me see differently. Thats why I am on here.
I hear that you say "You should be proud of his recovery" but my rebuttal to that is that he is not needing recovery.
If I, in any way, thought that he needed to go to AA, had a problem, etc., I would be supportive. But its hard for me to be when I know he is not.
Thank you for the input. I guess I am trying to find out ways to be supportive instead of bitter. This hasn't changed just his life, it has changed mine. I didnt want or need my life to change (hence, the selfishness part).
I just don't know how I am supposed to be supportive when I don't believe in what he is doing and that almost every single thing I read is that AA is a cult.
Try to make me see differently. Thats why I am on here.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm not here to make you see differently. I think you are going to see whatever you want to see.
His problem isn't about you or your perceptions. If he thinks he has a problem, then he has a problem. You can either support him or not. That's your choice. You might ask yourself, why do you stay with him, if you can't support him in this major life change. Maybe you need to set a boundary for yourself - I will NOT date people who self-identify as recovering alcoholics. I will move on. That's entirely up to you.
(Personally my boundary would be "I will not date people who pee in public" but that's just me
.)
Why don't you try going to al-anon? Maybe that will help you understand him better and be more supportive of him - if that's what you want.
It's always good to remember you didn't cause his problem (imaginary or real). You can cure his problem (imaginary or real). And you can't change his problems.
His problem isn't about you or your perceptions. If he thinks he has a problem, then he has a problem. You can either support him or not. That's your choice. You might ask yourself, why do you stay with him, if you can't support him in this major life change. Maybe you need to set a boundary for yourself - I will NOT date people who self-identify as recovering alcoholics. I will move on. That's entirely up to you.
(Personally my boundary would be "I will not date people who pee in public" but that's just me
.)Why don't you try going to al-anon? Maybe that will help you understand him better and be more supportive of him - if that's what you want.
It's always good to remember you didn't cause his problem (imaginary or real). You can cure his problem (imaginary or real). And you can't change his problems.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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His situation
He was forced into AA by a counselor that was meant to see his case and give him a "pass" or "fail" into the bar association. Everyone that my boyfriend spoke to in the Association before this meeting said it should be a clear pass-through and no problem at all, as the occurences were years ago and he clearly didn't have any issues (after doing evaluations with a few bar association employees, they recognized it was youth and stupidity).
He at first was very upset with the outcome, as it came out of nowhere. Then, he decided to embrace it and go through the motions as best as possible. Then, he slowly became more and more obsessed with the idea of it. He still does not say or admit that he is an alcoholic (because he isnt.). Yet, he is becoming more and more intense with the meetings, attendance, etc.
Though I would (of course) be proud of anyone for quitting something that they determined wasn't a good thing in their life, I'm struggling with this.
I just have read too many things that say AA ruins relationships because of the secretiveness of AA and all of the relationships, lingo, etc. that the partners arent aware of.
I am not looking for answers of whether or not to stay in the relationship, but just some advice or experience of others and their experiences. How am I supposed to compete with something that has "enlightened" my boyfriend and changed his life? And changed it to something that doesnt include me?
He at first was very upset with the outcome, as it came out of nowhere. Then, he decided to embrace it and go through the motions as best as possible. Then, he slowly became more and more obsessed with the idea of it. He still does not say or admit that he is an alcoholic (because he isnt.). Yet, he is becoming more and more intense with the meetings, attendance, etc.
Though I would (of course) be proud of anyone for quitting something that they determined wasn't a good thing in their life, I'm struggling with this.
I just have read too many things that say AA ruins relationships because of the secretiveness of AA and all of the relationships, lingo, etc. that the partners arent aware of.
I am not looking for answers of whether or not to stay in the relationship, but just some advice or experience of others and their experiences. How am I supposed to compete with something that has "enlightened" my boyfriend and changed his life? And changed it to something that doesnt include me?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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LookingforHelp9, I don't think people here want to try to make you see different. We just try to understand your questions as fully as we can, and share our experiences in a way that we hope will be helpful to you, take what you want, leave the rest.
I think what is missing here is what your boyfriend thinks. What does he say to you when you tell him that you don't think he needs AA? There seems to be a disconnect between the actions he is taking, and your perception of who he really is. Can you shed some light on his perspective?
ShootingStar1
I think what is missing here is what your boyfriend thinks. What does he say to you when you tell him that you don't think he needs AA? There seems to be a disconnect between the actions he is taking, and your perception of who he really is. Can you shed some light on his perspective?
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
I just shot off around the webiverse and found the answer to your question!
OK, not really, but, I did find a LAP (lawyer advocacy program newsletter.
I have a feeling that maybe you are not completely aware of the full extent of the problem. The Bar association has to keep the standard up for lawyers. For that reason, someone with 2 drink related offenses would raise red flags all over the shop.
Secondly, he may have downplayed the extent of his history.
Thirdly, I wouldn't hang around AA if I was not feeling at home. I think 90 mtgs in 90 days is very serious about arresting a problem that maybe your BF was downplaying to himself and others.
I think resenting AA here and especially the douchebag in The Bar Association is way naive.
All that being said, have you talked to your BF about your feelings?
How well do you know your BF?
Do you know his friends and family well?
What age is he?
Read around here a bit more. See what you dig up.
Be patient. More will be revealed.
You are perfectly entitled to move on if he has become a fuddy-duddy and you are no longer compatible.
That is why people date for a while, to see if they are a good fit for one another.
OK, not really, but, I did find a LAP (lawyer advocacy program newsletter.
I have a feeling that maybe you are not completely aware of the full extent of the problem. The Bar association has to keep the standard up for lawyers. For that reason, someone with 2 drink related offenses would raise red flags all over the shop.
Secondly, he may have downplayed the extent of his history.
Thirdly, I wouldn't hang around AA if I was not feeling at home. I think 90 mtgs in 90 days is very serious about arresting a problem that maybe your BF was downplaying to himself and others.
I think resenting AA here and especially the douchebag in The Bar Association is way naive.
All that being said, have you talked to your BF about your feelings?
How well do you know your BF?
Do you know his friends and family well?
What age is he?
Read around here a bit more. See what you dig up.
Be patient. More will be revealed.
You are perfectly entitled to move on if he has become a fuddy-duddy and you are no longer compatible.
That is why people date for a while, to see if they are a good fit for one another.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Obviously its bringing him something...But I fear its making him insecure and bringing up issues that he normally wouldnt have or wouldnt have even thought of before going to these intensely emotional meetings...
We did a retreat in high school (over 10 years ago) called Kairos. Its main objective is to put people in intensely emotional situations and have people who ahve had intense stories share with the rest of the group. Even if kids or participants didn't have anything serious or sad happen in their lives, everyone was crying within an hour... This is how I feel these meetings are. So, I feel like it would suck in anyone with a heart...
We did a retreat in high school (over 10 years ago) called Kairos. Its main objective is to put people in intensely emotional situations and have people who ahve had intense stories share with the rest of the group. Even if kids or participants didn't have anything serious or sad happen in their lives, everyone was crying within an hour... This is how I feel these meetings are. So, I feel like it would suck in anyone with a heart...
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I have known my boyfriend for over 10 years, so I know him very well. He knows my feeling on the situation and thats why he keeps the entire topic of AA to himself. His family is like my own family, and they are shocked about what the Bar has put him through, but are supportive-- they aren't a family of drinkers. He is 27. He is over his "kid-phase" and college drinking phase. He has grown up a lot since college...
Like I said, if this was an issue that I thought he needed support with or that he could really use the help, then I would be 100% all for it. I may even decide to go to a meeting or two with him. But, Ive just been so negatively impacted by all of this and have read sooo many negative things that I am just put off...
I just dont know what to do. This is my first day ever talking about this with anyone, so I appreciate everyone's feedback tremendously (even if its calling me selfish, etc.) :-)
Like I said, if this was an issue that I thought he needed support with or that he could really use the help, then I would be 100% all for it. I may even decide to go to a meeting or two with him. But, Ive just been so negatively impacted by all of this and have read sooo many negative things that I am just put off...
I just dont know what to do. This is my first day ever talking about this with anyone, so I appreciate everyone's feedback tremendously (even if its calling me selfish, etc.) :-)
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He has stated that he doesnt want me to go to a meeting because meetings are personal... So, I don't want to force myself into something that #1, he doesnt want me to be apart of and #2, that I don't agree with. (Not AA, just him going to AA)
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Lookingfor,
I think you need to quit reading "The Orange Papers".
Really? Most of what you read about AA is that negative?
I am in AA, It ain't a cult, I can assure you.
If he were drinking and attending AA just to get signed off, I would leave you off.
But, why would he be that desperate for friends and company?
You say you know him for ten years.
That is not what I asked.
I asked, do you know his friends and family?
Do you have a full picture of who he is?
Is it possible that he was ACTING normal for the 7 months you dated?
Unfortunately, there are many, many unfortunate partners of people who did that on here. The guy/girl on his best behaviour and the next thing they have you all in love and Bam! Oh Sh^t!
I think you need to quit reading "The Orange Papers".
Really? Most of what you read about AA is that negative?
I am in AA, It ain't a cult, I can assure you.
If he were drinking and attending AA just to get signed off, I would leave you off.
But, why would he be that desperate for friends and company?
You say you know him for ten years.
That is not what I asked.
I asked, do you know his friends and family?
Do you have a full picture of who he is?
Is it possible that he was ACTING normal for the 7 months you dated?
Unfortunately, there are many, many unfortunate partners of people who did that on here. The guy/girl on his best behaviour and the next thing they have you all in love and Bam! Oh Sh^t!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I dated him in high school. We were each other's first loves. We have kept in touch and know each other better than most people know their significant others. We are very close with each others' families. I know his insecurities, his likes, dislikes, what makes him angry, etc. He is my best friend. And since he has been put into the program, I have started to lose him the longer he has been in there..
It is not that I don't know him. I know him as best as anyone can know another human being. It is that I don't know AA and I don't know who he is turning into since going to meetings.
I don't think AA is a bad thing. It helps way too many people to be a bad thing. But it is not right for everyone. And people who are sensitive and compassionate (like my boyfriend) may fall into the whole shpeel that is AA and start to believe they have problems too. People with soft hearts are always the ones to let people in who may not belong and always be swayed into believing things. I feel that this is a big part of what has happened...
It is not that I don't know him. I know him as best as anyone can know another human being. It is that I don't know AA and I don't know who he is turning into since going to meetings.
I don't think AA is a bad thing. It helps way too many people to be a bad thing. But it is not right for everyone. And people who are sensitive and compassionate (like my boyfriend) may fall into the whole shpeel that is AA and start to believe they have problems too. People with soft hearts are always the ones to let people in who may not belong and always be swayed into believing things. I feel that this is a big part of what has happened...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sounds like a frustrating mess. So ideally, what would you want to happen? Him to quit going to AA? Him to go back to who he was before he started attending AA?
Because you are responsible for your own happiness. AA, No AA, Alcoholic, Not an alcoholic - you can't change him. You can only change yourself.
Maybe AA is not the problem. Maybe it's just one of the symptoms of a deeper problem...
Because you are responsible for your own happiness. AA, No AA, Alcoholic, Not an alcoholic - you can't change him. You can only change yourself.
Maybe AA is not the problem. Maybe it's just one of the symptoms of a deeper problem...
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
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"Contempt before investigation"
That's an AA saying.
EWWWWWWW!
AA closed meetings are for people with a desire to stop drinking.
Yes, they are private. For a reason. If every Tom, Dick and Harry were waltzing in and out of the meetings, how many alcoholics would seek their help?
If you want to see what a meeting is like, go to an "open" meeting.
This is where more than one speaker, who is ok with being "out" as an alcoholic tell their stories.
That's an AA saying.
EWWWWWWW!
AA closed meetings are for people with a desire to stop drinking.
Yes, they are private. For a reason. If every Tom, Dick and Harry were waltzing in and out of the meetings, how many alcoholics would seek their help?
If you want to see what a meeting is like, go to an "open" meeting.
This is where more than one speaker, who is ok with being "out" as an alcoholic tell their stories.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Just my opinion the alcoholic in my life goes to AA, and does not discuss it with me at all- and we have been married for 25 years! It is his right not to discuss it with me ( I on the otherhand want him to go)
I understand that you are worried and feeling neglected by his involvement with AA- what I don't understand is why you want to control him so much- and that is saying something coming from one so codependent as me. Just another question to ponder on.
I understand that you are worried and feeling neglected by his involvement with AA- what I don't understand is why you want to control him so much- and that is saying something coming from one so codependent as me. Just another question to ponder on.
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