Florence

No.

The answers to all of your questions are already here.

PaperDolls

I want to add that my relationship didn't work not only because of my AA involvement. It was a 10 year long relationship and we had many problems. Many of which, were caused by my drinking.

In my opinion, the way to make it work is to let it go. Try to find some acceptance on his decision of being involved in AA. That's the only way I see it happening.


As a side note -- it doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not. He had made a decision that you don't like. The issue here is acceptance.

PohsFriend

Perhaps when you divided the population up as those who are moral ad upstanding and those who have problems and do programs while including yourself in the former in front of those in the latter? That could come across as somewhat superior though I am sure no offense was intended. Nobody questioned your intent, just trying to gently point out that the impact of your words and the intent of your words don't always align very well. That may or may not happen in your personal relationships but is food for thought.

Sometimes we don't hear how we come across. Sorry if I offended you and if I was entirely off base then I am glad to hear it.

I do wish you well

MamaKit

Here's the deal --


Quote:
I DONT WANT HIM TO BE IN AA. I dont want to think of him in AA. Less to do with others and others' opinions than my own. I don't want the AA lifestyle.

These are all 'I' statements.....what does HE want? It sounds to me like HE wants to be a part of AA and is benefiting from it.

It sounds to me like you're trying to change what HE wants so that it aligns with what YOU want. Understandable .... I've been there ..... but, what if you look at it from a different perspective?


This thread has certainly gotten a rise out of me. I am feeling as though someone is poking their finger really hard at my wound. It has reminded me of that feeling of disrespect that became so prevalent in my marriage to an A. My previous posts may be too influenced by that feeling to be productive and helpful - which is usually my intention when I post on this board.

I shall step back a bit and say one thing that I know unequivocally to be true.

We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Without sincere respect for a partner, a relationship will fail to be satisfying and real. We can either agree with the choices our partners make or not. But we must respect that they are their choices to make. And then, we make our own. If one finds they just simply can not treat someone with respect - the kindest thing to do is walk away.
MamaKit

bamboo10

This thread has gotten way under my skin as well. I agree-I dont really care if your bf is an alcoholic or not. He has found help in AA and enjoys it...it is what it is. Deal with his choices or move on

LookingforHelp9

To everyone thinking that I talk to my boyfriend like this, I don't. I am on here to get out my questions, frustrations, etc. and when I joined and even now, was/am looking for help.

Im sorry if I have offended anyone with some of my past statements. Going through these feelings is riding a roller coaster, and to be honest, most days I end up crying myself to sleep. Some days I'm way more ok with it than others.

I commend anyone on here who is in AA and getting better or trying. I commend anyone on here who is a SO of someone going through AA.

I never thought in a million years this would be a place I would be visiting online. I have never, ever, thought my boyfriend had a drinking problem. I still believe he doesn't. He has said that he was sometimes a "problem drinker" but the reasons for him being in AA are more to do with his self-esteem, etc. and feeling better about himself. I believe that. I know people have bigger issues, some people are in phsyically abusive relationships (I was previously in one for 5 years- my boyfriend then was also a borderline alcoholic, who dealt with his anxiety with beer instead of medication for the first few years of us dating). Im not oblivious to the signs of alcoholism, nor do I think my boyfriend is hiding anything from me. The reason I am still with him is because I love him, tremendously. He is a good man with a good heart who treats me very well. My issues are not with him, they are with the situation and whether or not its something that I can get over. As I said before, I am here for myself. Not to see if he is going to "snap out of it".

Thank you to everyone who has been kind and understanding of insensitive and sometimes harsh rants. I did not come on here to offend or make light of anyone's own situations. It seems that I am going to have to do some intense soul-searching to see if this is something I can end up supporting, or if its something I can't.

m1k3

I don't know if you will find anyone here with that experience. The majority of us are here because of someone who is an alcoholic and has had a major impact on our lives in a not so good way, usually a devastating way.

You are talking to people would love or would have loved to have their qualifier act exactly the same way your BF is acting.

Your friend,

PaperDolls

If this thread has gotten under your skin or is making you angry, while I understand the emotions and passion this type of thing can bring, please move on. Find a thread that doesn't anger you and offer some help to a newcomer. It's better for everyone. It's quite difficult for most of us to remember how we felt in the beginning.

PohsFriend

Looking - well done.

There's a lot of 'thanks' at the bottom of your last post because most of us HATED coming here and NEVER thought we'd be dealing with these questions.

Anger, rage - very normal.

I tore a few folks a new orifice when I first got here and some people infuriated me because they hit a nerve. If you suggest something I know to be completely off base I would shrug. When people suggested maybe I was part of my wife's problem I was furious! How effing dare you!

When I chilled out I started looking hard at those posts and some of the folks I felt like punching have become those I listen too. Tuffgirl and Cyranoak come to mind and these days I count on folks like them to give me a much needed kick in the pants when I am wallowing in self pity.

When you posted just now that you are scared and angry and confused and don't know what the hell to think - not normal emotions for you - you became very relatable.

I hope you will hang around and take what helps you and leave the rest. Talking it out and thinking it over helps me a great deal. It's the posters who we see ourselves in that we occasionally want to smack some sense into ;-)

I promise that there is not a single poster here who wants anything but the best for you and your bf, myself included. Sincerely, I hope you will accept that as an apology if I hurt your feelings

PohsFriend

Omg - thanks for nailing me mike, I missed it. Most of us are or have spent more time and energy seeking help for a loved one than that loved one spent and the idea of someone totally embracing recovery is hard not to be a little jealous of.

Tuffgirl

Alcoholism ruined my marriage before it even had a chance to begin. My now ex loved to point fingers elsewhere - it was me, our "differences in values", my being "inappropriate with other men" (whatever the F that meant!), because I had moved out, and so on and so forth, blah blah blah. But I don't believe any of that. I know my reality, and this relationship was ruined by alcoholism.

But if I could go back and do it all over again, I'd do the same things, in the same ways, because it brought me to where I am today. Because I am a different person now. I have a new perspective on it all. New coping "tools" in my life toolbox. More compassion and tolerance. I used this opportunity, albeit a very freakin painful one, to make some personal changes.

I stay here at SR to pay it forward - to let folks know they are not alone, they are not crazy, and they do not have to stay in a bad place. That we all have choices, and I have made mine to the best of my ability, and can look back and feel proud of the person I am. It is possible to get through this, but you've got to be willing to do some personal introspection along the way. Who knows, maybe this experience will draw you two closer? Maybe bring you some humility that will serve you well as you get older?

Or maybe its not the right time to be trying to have an intimate relationship. Maybe this is not your path. Maybe it would better serve you to wait and see what happens with this guy. See if he changes. See if he even continues attending AA long-term (he may not) instead of trying to make all these decisions at once.

You see - we really don't know what the future holds for us. I choose nowadays to have faith that no matter what, I can deal with it. And then I don't think about it anymore. I focus on today, right now. Today - this is my life, and I accept it, warts and all. Today, I choose to be a kind, compassionate person. What happens tomorrow - well - I will deal with tomorrow!

I do wish you happiness and peace. Life is not fun when we are in the midst of a crisis, but you do have a choice to not make it a crisis to begin with.
~T

m1k3

Thank you and I have to say it is nice to be on the other side of these conversations now at least some of the time.

Seren

Good evening, everyone!

Lookingforhelp, I wish you and your boyfriend every happiness. I hope that you two will be able to work something out by honestly communicating to each other your needs in the relationship. When people arrive at SR, they are usually in a crisis situation. So...you don't really get the happily ever after folks because they are busy leading their lives and not posting here.

Some comments that have crossed the line have been removed according to SoberRecovery Rule 4. Since I see no point in continuing the arguing, and everyone has been able to make their opinions perfectly clear, this thread is closed.

Peace in the valley,
HG