lovesunandsnow

Rainiee,
I was left homeless. He walked away after we moved everything out of our apartment we defaulted. He did help me move it to storage and we were in the process of looking for temp living while I was looking for work. I had many interview, and sent out so many resumes that when I look at my sent it shows over a 1000 and that was just in a few months’ time not even counting the online applications I filled out and temporary agencies I went to for work. Nothing but I was going to get nothing because I spent all my time consumed with his issues and thinking I was helping but all I really did was drive me nuts and lose everything I had and spent every dime I had in savings do so. When I left I spent two months on friend’s sofas in Oregon until I could get back to my home. I am lucky I own a home it was rented out but the renters defaulted and left. So I’m home with no way of paying my mortgage that is due tomorrow and looking for roommates to help offset my bills and actually it would pay my mortgage if I rented the rooms out but living here I feel sick. I’m not sure now I was supposed to come back. I was up almost all night with my head racing again. It’s not even all about him anymore it’s about what am I going to do and trying to sooth myself into not freaking out. So I’m happy to read you’re not wearing rose colored glasses and I do understand that there was good but the bad outweighed the good. Same with my ex-a he had some great parts about him but those moments because few and far between. I waited for those moments and it became harder to wait. So I’m not happy but yet I’m not sad I just am right now. Looking for a door to open for an opportunity. Not looking for the hand out I’m looking of the hand up to save me now. Best of luck to you today and your job search.

mdkathy62

Good morning from the East coast,

I still have power thankfully. Fourth straight day without work (including the weekend) and I must say: one day at a time, one day at a time. Within the day, I think about him less and less. It's just that early morning hour around 5am that I wake up and am all alone in the apartment that it hits me. The storm to the East coast yesterday makes me want to contact him or his mom and ask if they're ok, but I know that I won't get the response that I want. It will be a cold response if there is a response at all, so I know I won't contact either.

I kind of wish he would text me so I can do the cold response back and I know that sounds pathetic. Part of me wonders, does he think about me from time to time like I think about him? Does he know leaving him is the hardest thing I had to do? It has nothing to do with me not believing in him or not loving him, it simply was because I finally realized I had to put my happiness, my well-being first. I wish there was a way to be able to keep in touch without being affected, but there isn't. I wish there was a way we could be 'friends' but I don't believe there is a way to be friends, not anytime in the near future. I have to put me first.

lovesunandsnow

Mdkathy62

I understand how you feel. This am I woke up early at 5am just in a panic. I miss him so much my ex-a he is nothing but cold and nasty to me down to blocking my calls since I ruined his life. How I’m not sure when I spent my entire life savings on us for a year in a half, and all I to wish I could just see if he was okay, which in turn makes me sick with myself for wanting that. I know he is not but that again is not up to me anymore.

Mornings are the hardest for me to. It was the only time he was sober enough to talk with, cuddle prior to him having to go smoke or run off to work so he could get the day over so he could drink on his way home or to whatever bar he landed at. Not that he paid for anything but his life during his drinking.

So I should be mad but I’m still just hurt.

Will it get better? It has to, like you said it’s not that you don’t love him but do you really want to spend the rest of your life on a rollercoaster? I don’t – I want off the rollercoaster, and I am for the most part but I haven’t gotten off board in my head & heart.

I think once I get employment it will help. I will take anything at this point due to I’m so broke I cannot pay my bills plus it will help me start feeling like a human again.

Fight the urge to call because you know deep down it will only suck you back in. I’m fighting the urge to call, show up to see him, so instead I just sit with my feelings of sadness and wait for them to wash over me by reading other stories of encouragement that this to will pass.

Just breathe, so the path we take now is to regain our life, get off the rollercoaster and know deep down you can love him from a far. Have a good day

TakingCharge999

mdkathy,

I started boxing and kickboxing, I was so angry about the whole thing that the teachers congratulated me for my enthusiasm LOL. Very empowering, I plan to go back soon.

You sound way better than how I was feeling after I broke up with someone similar to your ex. It will get much better, life will go on for you and bring good things and more adventures to live and to learn from.

I feel for everyone mourning an ex boyfriend, it is very painful.


Hugs,
Tc999


PS

Facebook sucks and I have a long list of blocked people. Nowadays I have not logged in and I feel great. Too much gossip.

mdkathy62

Thanks TakingCharge999,

I sound like I'm doing ok? lol...I would like to believe so. I haven't had a full blown cry yet, which makes me kind of nervous. I still miss him, but I also don't. During the storm that hit the east coast, being home alone made me miss him, but then I just remind myself that even if he were here, he'd be playing video games and ignoring me. I credit a lot of my strength to SR. I basically live on here throughout the day, writing post after post, reading post after post. He still needs to come pack the rest of his things tomorrow and I'm dreading it as well as secretly hoping that if I get to run into him when he does that he'll sincerely apologize (but lets face it, that's just a dream).

I've heard success stories and I wish that could have been us. I watched a documentary on Netflix about Chris Herren, an NBA player who was battling addiction for many years, and his wife stayed with him the entire time. Now he's completely sober after trying just about every drug on the face of the earth. She said that you wouldn't leave someone if they had cancer, so why would you if they have an addiction? That statement made me almost think twice, but no, I can't. Cancer and addiction are VERY different.

rainiee

I am so disappointed in myself. Yesterday for the first day in a long time I felt happy. Yes, I heard that he was seen & looks terrible but I already knew that & I didn't let it get me down.

Why am I disappointed then? Because this morning (I HATE MORNINGS!!!) I broke down again. I am miserable without him even though right now it's the best thing in the world to be, I hate hearing it confirmed that he's not okay & I broke down & emailed him.

UGH!! NO CONTACT!

I just couldn't help it, misery won again. No, I didn't ask him to come back or ask him why he's hurting someone he loves (and loves him)... I did tell him the things I've been doing to bring myself joy again, I did tell him I love him still, I did tell him I understand for what ever reason this is the journey his life needs to take right now & I do hope once it's completed, if it's completed that he knows I am still here if he reaches out.

No, I don't want him to come back right now. I also need to complete this journey I am on & if he came back I know I would not stay on target nor would we work out as all the same issues are still here. But the fact is, I am still weak, I am still on my journey, I do love my husband & I did chose to hit send.

I know, bad idea but I don't regret it. I am more than aware I will continue to not get a response, I know that will hurt but still... no regrets. If I'm hard on myself for giving in to a moment of weakness I will stop focusing on forward movement & I just have to accept I am still making mistakes. I'm not perfect, the situation is miserable & I am still in a learning process.

I have a feeling today is going to be one of the hard days in my journey & I've got to make sure I do my very best to not let it consume my thoughts.

mdkathy62

Good afternoon rainiee,

I wish I could take away the pain for you. Reading your post almost brought me to tears because I know that feeling all too well...That feeling to reach out and not get a response, that feeling of emptiness...Please don't be too hard on yourself. Just like them, we are recovering as well. We are bound to have our 'relapses' and similar to how we want them to pick themselves back up instead of drowning more and more into the alcoholism, I know you can pick yourself back up. Keep posting, keep reading. You are reaching out for help, for feedback and that is not an easy thing to do. You are being honest, also not an easy thing to do. All of us here are struggling, but it is OK.

Take care of yourself. Take a walk and keep posting. I'll be here all day posting in and out.

mdkathy62

Was doing great today. I went to the mall, did some grocery shopping, and came home as my ex was moving some of his things out. I did good. No emotion. I went to throw something in the trash and saw the birthday card I gave him for his 25th birthday two weeks ago in the trash. In the card, I wrote that I was pulling for him because at that point, I was thinking that I might still stay with him through all of this, but as the two weeks went on, I couldn't. I know he put it in the trash on purpose...I just KNOW. It didn't make me cry surprisingly. More so, it made me feel bad for him that he's still in complete denial that he relapsed. He simply will NOT admit he relapsed. It made me feel bad for him that he's still doing the emotional appeals. When I saw him, he looked really depressed, but WHY? YOU did this. You chose to lie and even when I gave him a chance to tell the truth and I would support him no matter what, he chose to ignore me and still be in denial. He relapsed and even after he hurt my family, I stood by him for another week and a half just wanting him to admit it and go back to AA. He's not ready to recover. He has NO right to play this depressed, guilt trip on me. NO right.

Learn2Live

He HAS TO act this way, in order to continue placing the blame on YOU, so that he does not have to look at himself, his behavior, his choices. That is what they have people in their lives for. Period. You are either there to "support" (enable), be "friends" (drink or drug with them), or to use as scapegoat. That's it. The older they get and the longer they drink, the more severe this becomes.

rainiee

So glad to hear you did fine with the run in with him.

mdkathy62

Thank you rainiee. I know I could've done better. He did mumble 'hey' as I walked through the door, but my mouth didn't say anything back. I felt kind of bad about that, but I was so focused on not showing emotion, not getting sucked in, that the words couldn't come out. I also knew that if one word came out of my mouth, it would be really hard not to hold back a sleuth of other words which would have showed a lot of emotion =/

A small, tiny bit of me still hopes that he'll call or text and realize he messed up, but I know all is futile as any communication anytime soon will be to suck me back in, not out of sincerity. Idk if this small, tiny bit of hope ever goes away, but I know I can learn to control it so that I don't get sucked back in. It's a challenge everyday.

Learn2Live

Sooner or later you will just become indifferent. And then you begin to see the truth more clearly, and wonder what the heck you were doing with this guy in the first place!

mdkathy62

Good morning SR,

I'm starting to freak out a bit. So my ex and I were living with a friend. Now that he's out, great, but last night she said she's moving out too because she lost her job. Talk about horrible timing. Granted, I can pay a two bedroom by myself (I guess that's one positive), but it will get tighter with time. Starting to feel really frustrated with myself, with the situation, and with them. It's too late to for what if's, too late for anything. I'm just frustrated. The money I 'loaned' to my ex would greatly come in handy now, but we all know I'm never seeing that again.

I'll be honest: part of me started thinking dang, I should have just broken up with him but let him live in the other room so he could pay rent. I know, what a horrible thought. Obviously, I won't do that now. I just feel so frustrated =/ I wish he hadn't relapsed, I wish he hadn't lied, I wish he didn't continue to be in denial, because at least if the roommate moved out, he would be helping with rent. Now it's all me.

Sigh...back to work today. I hope the day goes by fast.

Learn2Live

Is the roommate or the ex on the lease? If so, they have legal obligations.
Can you get another roommate? Or move in with your parents?

SparkleKitty

Oh, mdk, I am sorry you have had another knock. Is this one you can turn around into something positive? Maybe you can find a one bedroom and make a fresh start? Find a place that isn't filled with memories of your ex?

mdkathy62

The ex is not on the lease but the roommate is. She lost her job. Idk what I can really do about that. She lost it over a month ago and kept alluding to possibly moving out, but trying to find a job, and last night finalized that she will have to move. I'm trying to look for another roommate now and will have to brave it for awhile until I do. I can pay it on my own and just hate the idea of having to move again. Sigh...So frustrated this morning.

I know I shouldn't be mad at things I can't control. I just can't help but be SO angry at my ex. Seriously, he'd rather protect his denial, his ego, etc than admit he relapsed because I don't even care that he relapsed. All I cared about was how he handled it. Had he relapsed and owned up to it and started over, I would've stayed by his side, but he didn't and now once again, here I am on my own.

It just seems so stupid! Why on earth would someone sacrifice so much and go so far to be in denial??? You give up everything, hurt others in the process just to continue living your lie?

SparkleKitty

This is the nature of alcoholism. The addiction protects itself. Denial is one of its strongest tools. The alcoholic builds the reality to safeguard the disease. Until they don't. But waiting around for that to happen is a risky proposition, and you might miss a lot of life in the process.

Learn2Live

It IS stupid. We try to make sense of it, and we think "No rational person would DO THIS," but they're NOT RATIONAL.

He is NOT in denial. He KNOWS he has a problem, he's said so. They don't care if they hurt others, they just want their alcohol or drugs. And they want people who will enable them.

It is never going to make sense.

mdkathy62

Thank you SparkleKitty and Learn2Live...I'm slowly calming down. This has been a rough morning. I'm trying really hard to focus, to calm down, to focus on what I CAN do. What I can do is look for a roommate, budget my money, and NO contact. I wish I could go back in time and never have taken him back the first time. I wish I had known what I know now back then and it would save me so much time, emotions, pain, money, and the list goes on. I wish I could blame him, blame his family, everyone really. How on earth does his mom, a doctor no less, NOT pay me back when she knows he owes me money? How does his 'prestigious' family shun me out and leave me in the dust with this mess to clean up by myself? Yes...because they are sick too, just like I was. It sucks. It absolutely sucks to face this reality that I have helped contributed to. And now I have to pick myself up every minute of every day and push myself to make MY life better. It's definitely not easy.

lovesunandsnow

I agree with you it's not fair, but think how lucky you are to know this now? It could be 20 years from now and you'd look back and say what did I do?

I'm in the same position, so mad at my x-abf that there are days I cannot see straight, but I'm glad that 2 years or even 1 month from now I do not have to smell the beer anymore, or his smoking or listen to another lie. I hate the lies, or the I'll pay you back can I please have 20.00? That phrase "I'll pay you back" will be on his grave stone, sad but everyone that knows him says that because he will NEVER pay anyone back, he owes me thousands and now I come to understand that is my fault and I'll never see it.

It hurts believe me it hurts but being lied to and taken advantage of just hurts. Just keep pluggin along and soon it will get easier. That is all you can control right now! I'm doing one day at a time and then sometimes it's one moment at a time when the anger, and sadness comes up. My ups and downs are what I think of as a wave that will eventually wash away my sadness so I can move onto something healthy. Try and have a good day.