SoloMio

Yes!! Good for you. Follow that peace you feel.

ZiggyB

He may very well be hurting now, but you are not the person to help him with that pain. I felt sympathy for mine lately and when I got into contact I got blasted with anger and harsh criticism. You relationship with him was not meant to be, now it's best you don't try to take on his issues anymore because they were never yours to deal with.

Off I go to practice what I preach....

keepingmyjoy1

I think he knows what he's done & I think somewhere inside he feels sick about it but I don't think it matters to him right now as he's wrapped up in his own lost soul. I also think that he's enjoying the misery & self hate for what he has done based on what I know of him & his past.
Always the role of the Martyr...

Sure, I do wish he would own up to what he has done & own up to how incredibly CRUEL he's been to someone who's fault was... they fell in love with him.--thanks Rainiee.

Nothing wrong with you and the feelings you are having. I have to work at not getting "hooked" by the sympathy and remember the hurtful times so that I keep my thinking clear. Hang in there. You are not alone.

mdkathy62

The early mornings are hard. I find myself waking up without an alarm at 6/7am laying in bed thinking 'what if his mom lets him live by himself?' Before living with me, he lived near the university (even though he goes to school at the community college 40 minutes from this area, Idk why). He always had an excuse to live near the university--near his 'job' but he purposely looked for restaurant jobs near there, near his apt but he purposely chose an apt there. It's also near the college bars and his friend who always drinks with him even when he was trying to be sober. I've told his mom everything, but he always manages to charm her into letting him go back to do whatever he wants. I guess I can't blame her as I was the same way for 3 years and this is her son. Now he doesn't have a job so hopefully she'll make him live at home. He needs to see that 'living on his own', having his mom pay for rent and everything else is not a typical adult life. Maybe, just maybe living at home with his parents at 25 will help? No? lol probably not. He'll find ways around it unfortunately, no matter how strict they are...

A part of me is wondering, wow several days now and he has not tried to hook me back in yet. No calls, texts, weird fb posts, hasn't defriended me, nothing. I'm kind of...surprised. I know this is pathetic on my part but I will admit that I was still checking his fb and his ***** and saw that he just changed his password to both. For some reason, it really hurt me...like a part of me wanted to cry. He had never done that in the past. He never changed his passwords the other times we broke up. A part of me wonders, is he really hurt by me leaving? What does he have to hide? Idk...it really stings and hurts and I wish it didn't. I'm glad, but surprised too. I have to keep telling myself that whatever heartfelt apology, I love you's, and I really want to change that I want to hear will just be to hook me back and won't be true at all. It still baffles me that our mutual friend was saying he was completely caught off guard as to why I left him. It's like really?? How did you not think hurting me family, relapsing and lying about it, and still lying and ignoring me while we live together would not lead me to leave you? Their thinking is so irrational.

Sigh, mornings suck. I have to push myself out of bed, push myself to not think about it. Anyone out there who knows this feeling all too well, I'm praying for all of us so that each day gets progressively easier. I know we can do it. No contact. We have to do this. Despite how much we may want contact from time to time, it's never going to end well. It will always be the same as the last time and the time before that. It will only be temporary and superficial happiness, like the sensation they get when they pick up a drink. Hang in there everyone and I shall do the same.

SparkleKitty

Hey mdk, just want you to know I am up too (can't sleep in ever anymore, not on weekends, not even on vacation). Just so you know you are not alone!

He and his mom are going to do whatever they're gong to do. What are you going to do today?

mdkathy62

Thanks SparkleKitty,

There's a big storm hitting the east coast today so my only plans was to walk in the storm and try to cleanse myself a bit. Get some clarity and wash these feelings away. The mornings are hard...Maybe he is changing his email and fb passwords to hurt and confuse me, because clearly it did hurt and confuse me. Sometimes when I try to think and apply all that I have learned about alcoholics, that they do things to hook us in, it really hurts. Really? It seems they go to such great lengths to hurt us even when we've left and are trying so very hard to move on.

SparkleKitty

I miss the East Coast. I have never wanted to go out in the rain since I moved away from there.

Maybe you can look his changing those passwords not as a hurtful and confusing action but as giving you your freedom from being enmeshed with him. His email and his FB are not on your side of the street anymore anyway.

Personally, I think they go to those great lengths not with the primary intent of hurting those closest to them but to protect themselves from the reality of their own lives. It's a sick Catch-22. The deeper in denial they go, the more they have to feel ashamed about, the more there is to deny...bah. It's very sad, yes, but also kind of impersonal.

I hope you have a good cleansing day.

mdkathy62

This view makes sense too. I guess it doesn't matter what I think he did it for, but that ultimately, no matter what, he's doing whatever it takes for him to 'move on' i.e. avoid. I pushed myself out of bed and took a shower and had some breakfast. I'm feeling a bit better now. Every hour in the day feels like a battle. They say one day at a time, but sometimes it feels like one hour at a time, one minute at a time. I hope the days go by fast. I just want to be out at the other end where I don't feel these things anymore. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down. I feel like everything I kept saying he was. One minute I'm telling my friends, don't worry, I'm great and the next I'm down at the ground.

mdkathy62

I finally let a cry out...it feels horrible. I was on my own fb and saw that his sister defriended me. That hurt. I have no idea why it has to come to something so small like that and why she found it necessary to do it so fast. She never looks at my fb and I don't look at hers, so what is this about? It's so hard to feel like I've done so much and yet I'm the bad guy for wanting to move on. It feels so wrong to not want to be treated badly anymore. It makes me wonder what he was telling his sister and what his mom was telling his sister. He and his mom know the truth. Why do I have to feel like the bad guy so he can continue to look like he's recovering instead of relapsed, why do I have to be the bad guy even though he's been lying and is still lying all this time?? It hurts so much...

SparkleKitty

I have read on here many times, "What other people think of me is none of my business." It's his family's job to put him first, right or wrong, realistic or deluded. Just as it's your family's job to put you first.

I'm sorry you are hurting. All I can say is that it gets better, it really really does.

rainiee

I totally relate to you mdkathy62. Mornings are hard, one minute I feel up & strong, the next at square one.
My husband too changed all his passwords & he's never done that. I'm glad he did, I don't want to see.
I removed him off my friend list on FB, I knew seeing his posts would be unhealthy for me. I did in a moment of weakness though look at his account while me best friend was here. Pretty boring stuff posted & nothing about us. Until the day he got fired... then he was posting some pretty dismal music & saying things like "Everything...ends". Made me feel bad he was falling deeper in to the rabbit hole but I didn't let it affect me. Then... he deleted anyone who was my friend or family... that was hard to see. But again, he's lost & I can't worry about what he's doing otherwise it all breaks my heart & I try to contact him...which I refuse to do!!
Even last night when I was so angry at what he told his sister. Refusing to talk about me & when she told him I loved him him responding with "If she wants a divorce I will give it to her". His sister said I didn't want a divorce & he changed the subject.
Once again it feels like everything is left up to me & he's trying to do everything to get me to throw him away so he can wallow in his pain. I don't know what I want right now & I am not taking control for him. So, the best bet was to not react or respond. I am just going to do everything I can to not think of him & think of me. What will be will be. Do I want a divorce? NO. But I also don't want my husband back the way he is now. And that's why I will do nothing about it until I can clearly think, am on my two feet & am no longer feeling pain.

I can't even tell you how hard it's been to have NC...of course, we all know how hard it is.

Stupid mornings...

soexhausted

If you have read my thread Facebook has been a disaster for me. Even though I am not friends with her, the earthquake has passed but I am still left with the tremors.
I had become very close to my girlfriends family. They so appreciated everything that I had done for her. They all live out of state and counted on me greatly to keep them informed throughout the whole rehab process.
Her mother told me that I was a godsend to her family and daughter.
I would hear from them on a regular basis.
Well since we broke up guess how many times i have heard from any of them?
Yes you guessed it, zero.
Now I do understand that calling me would make them feel uncomfortable.
But I did so much for them as well as my girlfriend that maybe just a note of appreciation would be nice. But none so far.
I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree.
And to top it off the sister who I always had a great relationship with thinks that I lied to her about something because my XAGF told her so.
MY XAGF was very clear to me that she does not want me talking to her family.
"I know too much."
So her family will i'm sure listen to her lies about me, and might very well believe them.
But as the saying goes "that is none of my business."
Hang in there!

mdkathy62

Thank you soexhausted. It's crazy how we strain and strain and do so much and in the end we are left with nothing. My XABF owes me $2500, he knows it and his mom knows it and has anyone contacted me on payment? No. The last time he mentioned it as he moved out he said "I'll pay you back everything eventually" which I know means never. After all that is said and done, you're right, maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They're never going to know what I did for him because I never bragged to them about it. I never made a list. A mutual friend who has known him and his family for over ten years told me that I might as well kiss that money goodbye. That she's interacted with him and his family enough to know there's no way I'm going to see it.

It's sad. I know I shouldn't have to want their approval, but a thank you for taking care of him, looking out for him, encouraging him, supporting him through sobriety, something! Not a single person has reached out to me. Naturally, they're all running to his rescue, but maybe my family is different. My mom still says I hope he recovers, I'll pray for him. And I know that if I had done what he did, my family would pay the $2500 debt first because I was always taught not to owe anyone anything. My family tells me when I'm wrong, which is exactly what led me to start thinking if it was the right thing to be with him.

rainiee

I have read your posts & facebook is toxic. It was the first thing I removed from my reality. His family has also told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to them & thankfully I know they do actually think that as they are staying in contact with me as they are so worried being 3000 miles away. His sister did tell me that despite the comment she did get from him about if she wants a divorce... he did also tell her he was still in love with me. I already know this which makes it all the more difficult.

She also told me he was very drunk when she talked to him. This I already knew too. He's been drinking non-stop large amounts since the moment he disappeared. I sure hope he wakes up before this takes over his life always. It makes me so sad to have all these facts but I am doing a pretty good job not letting it consume my thoughts. I can only change me, not him. Sigh...
What a mess we're all in.

On a bright note... today I am thankful & appreciate the fact I got to wake up & am in good health.

soexhausted

I do not want to even think of the amount of money that I have either given or loaned to my XAGF. It would just make me sick.
The last time that she borrowed a substantial amount she told me that this time she really wanted to pay me back. Would I write up a contract. So I had her sign a contract.
One day when she was over at my house she told me that part of her sobriety consisted of her one day paying me back.
I went into my file and took out her contract that she had signed. I ripped it up in front of her and said "consider it a gift. Don't worry about paying it back."
She was very thankful, and responded that one day she was going to have to give me financial amends.
I did not rip up that contract for her.
I did it for me.
Because as she was sitting there talking about it I knew that I was never getting that money back.
I learned a long time ago that any expectations that I had of her would only leave me hurt and disappointed.
My part was not to worry about her paying me back.
My part was to not lend her anymore money!

mdkathy62

Thank you soexhausted. You're right. I really don't expect anything from me ex. Honestly, the only thing I expect is resentment, blame, and hurtful acts. He went as far as to change the netflix account which he logged into on my tv so now I can't log out because it has trouble logging in since it's not the right password, so the screen tries to log in, then sits there and says error. I mean...how petty can you get?

I need to work on this not needing justice and approval thing. On one hand, I want to tell the world everything he's done, all the lies he's told to each and every person, but on the other hand, I guess justice comes from me bettering myself and moving on because while I move on, he'll still be cycling through his usual denial, shame, etc. It's so sad that we were with these people, gave up a lot for them and to them, and even when we try to break things off nicely (I haven't defriended him, anyone, changed anything, just been sitting here quiet), it's like they never cared about us. Suddenly, we are nothing to them.

No contact, no contact, no contact. That's what I keep telling myself each time I find out he did something else or his family member did something else. No matter what, I just gotta sit here and calm myself down and have no contact whatsoever.

rainiee

This is my mantra too.
No matter what I hear, how weak I feel... NO CONTACT!!! So far so good & I will do everything I can not to. All it does is hurt me as not only do I not get a response- he can't HEAR what I'm trying to say.

no contact, no contact, no contact...

I did find out my suspicions were true, he did get fired... I have his resume on my computer & he doesn't have it. So, I emailed it to his sister. However, just one look at him & all you see is a train wreck & he'd actually have to stay sober for a job interview. I do not think he can do it right now- his journey to rock bottom has a choke hold on him. Regardless- the right thing to do was make sure he had his resume & that it didn't come from me!

mdkathy62

Another morning here on the east coast except the big storm is here and there's no work today. Stuck at home alone for another day. When I first decided to leave him, I was scared to be alone again, but the past three days I've been home alone and it's felt ok. I'm on SR a lot, watching movies, talking to friends, etc. Part of me wants to call one of our mutual friends (the only friend my ex talks to) and see if there are any updates, if he's sorry mainly...part of me wants to call his sponsor and see if he's been going to AA, but I know that will lead to no good.

Someone on here told me that yes, I am like dirt to his family now because they're enablers as much as I was and now to them, I have given up on their son so of course they're not going to like me very much. It makes sense...similar to how I used to not like all his friends who didn't try to help him. I used to get so angry if I asked a friend of his to help him, reach out, etc and he didn't. It's all the same.

This morning wasn't so bad. I woke up and was didn't lay in bed sulking for more than a minute or two, got up and got some breakfast. On Netflix, there is a movie about an NBA player who battled addiction. It's a documentary and I highly recommend it. It's called Unguarded. The movie is very powerful. Although the wife stayed by the husband the entire time, it took him almost 20 years to kick his habit, which shows me that I made the right decision. He relapsed many many times and each time was worse and worse and worse. It seems very hard to kick addiction and in the process the movie details his journey with himself and his family. He got to a point where he was in the street with two homeless guys and contemplated never going home to his wife again, that even after the birth of his 3rd child and he had been sober for 45 days, he relapsed. It's an unbelievable story and that was with A LOT of people trying to help him. That seems to be the trend...that it gets worse until it ever gets better. My ex has it pretty easy and before I left, he was already slowly starting to get into smoking marijuana. I can only imagine where things will go.

lovesunandsnow

Stay strong and it does help to watch movies, talk to friends and be on here. My friends are tired of me in a way of being so sad. I had to stop talking about my ex-a because I felt like that is all I did during this break up. I've also wanted to have a mutual friend of ours talk to my ex-a as well but I've decided not to. The posts on here are correct; it only hurts worse to know. I'm staying strong with no contact; he wants nothing to do with me anyway now that I ruined his life... Sure that is a stretch but up until the end of last week I was trying to call him. I really don't know what I thought he'd say, but in my heart I wanted him to say Sorry and that he really loves me. I know now that will never happen and it's been a week of grieving very hard. I'm looking for work and today I have a second interview with a major company, I want this for me it might help me sleep again. My mind races ever night of what am I going to do since the bills are not going to stop and he left me with a 3000.00 debt. So stay strong and I hope you have a good day with no work from the storm

rainiee

I too was left with debt. The part that has me very concerned is rent. Yeah, that's great you have no bills now & are given free rent but um, I'm looking at being homeless now. Nice. All I do is job hunt these days. Never ending cover letters & hour long online applications. Very frustrating with as many as I've applied to vs how many calls I get. When he told me he wouldn't be helping with November's rent like he volunteered previously as he got fired I kicked my butt in to high gear & figured it out. I am in control of my own reality & am not dependent on him.
I have talked to a few of my friends about what is going on & they are very supportive however only my best friend gets a daily dose of me needing to talk. She has made it clear that she is there for me every minute. She has told me after phone calls "If any thing happens after we get off the phone don't you hesitate to call me immediately". lol, and I do.
Thankfully my AH & I do not have mutual friends so I don't have that urge to deal with. Plus, he's isolated himself & isn't talking to any one. The closest source of information I can get is his sister who I am very close to. I have let her know though that moving forward to not tell me about him & to not tell him about me. I told her if he wants to know about me, he can ask me & to know that I wasn't giving up on him.

Not giving up on him you say?!? No, I am not. Despite what's happened we did actually have more good than bad in the marriage. It's just that the bad got really bad. Right now he is consumed with him, his addiction, his journey to rock bottom. We can't be together right now & even if he begged me to come home today I would have to say no. Right now he is toxic & him being back would mean all of the issues would still be a huge problem & we would end in never again.
As much as he needs for whatever reason to be on this path of self destruction I also need to be on this path of being the best me I can be all by myself.
I am not wearing rose colored glasses thinking for sure everything will work out, I know there is a good chance it wont. So while I am keeping him in my heart, I am not keeping him in my reality. I hope that makes sense? I have no focus on "us" right now, I have focus on me but it doesn't mean I am not in love with my husband. The only time he gets my focus is when I am here sharing my feelings but yet it's more like he's just part of the story that I need to tell in order to heal myself.

So far this morning, no pity party of sadness so today will be a good day.