Learn2Live

Dream forward.

"Invest your time, attention, and emotional energy where you have power: Your power to act." -George Simon

Learn2Live

Thank God you did not marry or have children with him!

mdkathy62

My ex is finally all moved out...not without guilt tripping me of course. I come home from work, about to round the corner to my apt and I get a call from my leasing office that he was there returning his key and parking pass. He was just simply a tenant, not a leaseholder, and my roommate was home. Why didn't he give the key to her? He knows her, he even said hey to her, but he had to make a big dramatic exit. I come into the apt and the tennis racket he already packed and took home last Friday (because he bought it for me to play with him), he brought it back today and left it by my bed. REALLY? He came back yesterday to get things, but couldn't bring it back then but chooses today, the last day he has to move out to bring it back when it's been sitting in his house for days and days? Gosh...I felt horrible and why? Because he WANTED me to. I started crying uncontrollably.

I wish he'd understand that I DO love him. I love him so much I stood by him through so many things and I'm not leaving him because I don't love him. I'm not leaving because I didn't believe in him. I'm leaving because I got tired of being the only one who believed he could recover when he didn't even want to!! I HATE that he's making me feel so guilty when all he had to do was say, yes, I relapsed, but I'm willing to start over, I admit I have a problem. Why, why is that so hard? But now I'm pinned as the bad guy for leaving him?

I cried for a bit, let it all out, and now I rebuild myself. He left a lot of things here, which I know he will find an excuse to come back for. Contemplating throwing them out or dropping them off at his parents house. Sigh...all this manipulation for what? To feed your ego, to feed your addiction, so you don't have to face reality?? I'm so tired of it...I'm exhausted from having to decode all his mind games.

Learn2Live

No one can "make" you feel anything. You're just reacting to him. You can choose to refuse the guilt. There is no one to blame. It is what it is. Don't look to point your finger, because that is what the alcoholism WANTS you to do. there must always be someone to blame. refuse to play the alcoholic game. Accept him for who he is. Don't blame yourself either. Let go.

mdkathy62

Good morning everyone,

Thank you all for your encouraging and supportive words. It feels great not to feel alone. I'm slowly starting to open up to my close friends about what happened and it feels really nice. Up until this point, I was confiding to two or three friends and to everyone else asking me about what happened, I found myself sugar coating and covering things for him once again until my friend pointed it out to me. She told me it's ok to be honest to close friends. Part of me wanted to sugar coat things as to not make him look bad, part of me is still trying to get over my shame and embarrassment from letting it go on for so long, but now that I started opening up to my close friends, it feels really nice. They are understanding as much as they can without knowing the full effects, but it feels nice to not feel alone, which is something I felt very often when I was with him.

Today I start my martial arts class, the one I had been wanting to do for months but put on hold because I wanted to be around and available to him all the time. I'm really excited. Mornings are still hard as I find myself waking up at 5am everyday, laying there and thinking about things, but after I push myself to take a shower, things start to fall into place. I know it will get easier with time. One hour at a time, one day at a time.

Hope everyone has a good day, and as always, I'll be in and out of SR reading and sharing my story. Thank you all for being here.

bamboo10

his sister and mom wont speak to me. I protected myself from someone they know will ruin me and now they wont speak to me. He blocked me from facebook as soon as we broke up. I know his mom and ESPECIALLY his sister would not have put up with 1 fourth of the crap he put me through...He was denying his relapse as well...i finally sent him mom an email laying it all out-i posted it under my thread- Life...it sucks if you want to read it. Im tired of this crap

Learn2Live

bamboo, try not to be too angry about them not speaking to you now. First, it really is the best for you to detach from him completely, and that means letting go of his family. And second, they are enablers too. Were you not protective of him also? Addicts and alcoholics do this thing called Divide and Conquer. They will purposely tell their parents and siblings bad things about you to pit them against you. They also will tell you the bad about their parents and siblings to pit you against them. This prevents the parties from speaking to one another and getting smart to the game. Allowing yourself to fume over it is senseless. Don't waste your emotional energy on a ruse created by an alcoholic. Invest it where you have the power to act.

KKE

Rainee: "My AH & I had never broke up before so this is a bit different for me than you... sort of? He used to do disappearing acts every month (picking a drunken fight with me & then storming out) that would last for 1-7 days.......
Anyhow, I am like you & don't have any clear plan on what I'm doing/feeling & my biggest downfall is... I'm lonely! I have lived alone many times for many years & it was always fine. Now the empty rooms seem to taunt me. These moments are when I feel weak & feel like I need to keep waiting on him to love me or reach out or... what ever unhealthy choice I make because I'm not used to feeling this lonely & alone. However with each day he stays missing from my life or each day that goes by with out a response I realize more & more that what he's done is unspeakable & if I took him back I'd stay "sick". Nothing would change if he was here. I'd still be lonely, he'd still be a drunk, I'd still be treated like crap at least once a month... Good times."

Thank you for sharing the above rainee. I seriously thought I was the only person in the works who's partner ran out on them every month. I also thought there must be something wrong with me to keep wanting him to come back and love me.

This post has helped me a lot. Thank you.

mdkathy62

Good morning everyone,

Hi bamboo10, I agree with Learn2Live about Divide and Conquer. For the first year and a half of dating my ex, I was convinced his friends and family were treating him horribly. He would tell me such awful things and I would wonder, why do you associate with these friends?? Then he would tell me how controlling and unhelpful his family was and I wondered, goodness your family is awful for just throwing you in the street like this. Then come to find out, his friends didn't in fact want him to drink all the time, his mom didn't make him stop going to school to help her pay the mortgage...What?? It turned out he stopped going to school and decided he didn't want help from her, not that she wouldn't help him. It turned out his friends thought he had a problem too. After the year and a half mark when things started to get odd, I started talking to his friends and family and we all found out the truth. I can tell after the break up this time, he's most likely been telling his only friend left bad things about me since this one before the break up gave me a long lecture about things that made no sense. It's unfortunately true that they do the Divide and Conquer--anything to protect the addiction, to cover up their lies.

Hi KKE, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting him to come back and love you. I know this time I HAVE to let my XABF go for good. After all that I have learned in AA, Al-Anon, and SR, it will ruin me if I take him back, but deep deep down, I do still miss him dearly. I want the best for him and I wish the best for him could include me. As much as I try to put on a brave face to my friends and family, I still miss him every so often. It's frustrating because sometimes when I try to confide this deep deep hope slightly to one friend, even though I know it's not realistic and I'm not actually going to pursue it, I am instantly met with 'don't you dare, you know you need to stop thinking that' and it becomes so difficult to even say how I feel without feeling like it's the worst thing in the world. I have to then explain myself and find myself feeling guilty for even expressing hope. People who have not LIVED this experience don't understand. I wish they did and I wish they could, but they don't, so please don't feel bad that you feel this way. Keep coming back to SR and sharing.

Stay strong everyone. We can be happy without them! I took my first martial arts class yesterday and it felt amazing. After having talked about it for months, I finally did it. It felt good to relieve so much tension and stress, to interact with people who were encouraging, and overall, it just felt great. He does still pop into my head and I know it will be sometime before this fades, but I have to do this, I have to move forward. I don't know what's going to happen, I might not do it perfectly, but I just have to keep moving and learn as I go.

bamboo10

Im trying to stay strong-im trying so hard. Today is a tough day. I miss him. I just want to be with him, I want him to hold me. I just miss him.

KKE

It's so hard isn't it? I've spoken to him three times today. All trivial things that did need an answer but I could've lived without one today. I know it was just an excuse to hear his voice and find some reassurance in hearing him say "I love you too".

Bamboo, I feel like I can't give you any advice because if I had any I would take it myself. All I can say is, is that the empty hollow feeling I think you're feeling, I'm feeling it now too. Some how that makes me feel a bit better knowing I am not the only person affected so strongly by someone else's drinking.

MDK, you are so right. No one gets it unless they have given a significant part of their life to trying to help and protect an alcoholic. It's horrible. After giving so much and you feel it has all amounted to nothing.

mdkathy62

KKE,

It is very hard. It's unbelievable how after everything, the smallest things make us feel better (like a phone call, a few words are better than none) even though we wish they could give more. Today at work, we were doing a Help the Homeless walk for an elementary school, which happened to be near my ex's parents house. After the walk was over, instead of going straight back to my apartment, I drove by his parents house. I knew I shouldn't have. It has nothing to do with me anymore. I didn't go inside or even stand out front and reminisce. I simply drove by because I wanted to see his car. I wanted to confirm that he was 'ok'. I had an idea that he would move back home, but part of me wanted to know. I just wanted to see "him" even though all I saw was his car.

I wish I could see and hear from him. I wish I could talk to him to see how he's doing, but I can't because I'm part of his problem. I'm an enabler and the dynamic we have is one that does not help him recover even though I kept thinking it did. I felt crazy for driving by just to see his car. I didn't cry, which I was glad and I know if I told anyone else they would say I was crazy. I want the best for him and the best for him means letting him live life on his own terms, away from me because I can't make him recover, I can't make him take a shower, I can't make him be honest. I wish he knew how much I cared about him. I really wish he did without the disease tainting his mind.

It did put me at ease somewhat to see that he did move back with his parents because at least it means he's not back in college town area where he can drink every night. Does living with his parents mean he won't drink? No. I know this. But I guess...at least I know he's somewhere safe and has food to eat, a nice place to sleep and not wandering around from friend to friend bunking on their couches.

I know I will always care about him. While the feelings may fade with time, in the back of my head, I really truly want the best for him, and now, the best for myself as well.

KKE

Since he left I have driven to his mums house pretty much every day to check his car is there..... It's also my way of seeing him and feeling close to him. It makes me feel better if I know he is indoors. Why do you think you are part of his problem? Talking to people in similar situations to me is all very new and in the few days I have been on here, I have learnt a lot. One thing everyone on here seems to keep saying is that we aren't the problem. Just wondered why you think you are? I blame myself for his problems, feel like I could have done things so differently.

mdkathy62

I think I am part of the problem because I did enable him and by the time I realized it and tried to let him live his life on his own terms (e.g., not check to see if he did go to AA, make sure he took a shower, etc), it was too late to change the dynamic of our relationship (well particularly hard to change the dynamic of a relationship when he wasn't doing his part in terms of applying what he learned in AA and me applying what I learned in Al-Anon). I do acknowledge that he has a choice in the matter whether he wants to be recover or not, whether he wants to let this disease consume him. The disease is his problem, but my enabling him did not help. I believe it's the best thing I can do for both him and I is to leave him and not enable him. He's never going to learn how to do anything, how to take responsibility for his own actions, and that there are consequences because I did everything for him, I rescued him all the time. Sure, he'll go back to his mom who enables him or find more people, but at least, now I can say I'm no longer contributing to the problem.

mdkathy62

Hi everyone,

It's almost the 2 week mark since I left my ex. This weekend was particularly hard as everything is settling down and feeling real. The first week was still tying up loose ends, but this week it hit me, this is the end of us forever. No more getting back together. No more him coming to win me back. It's me now. It's hard getting used to making dinner for one. It's different getting used to not talking to him when he was the first one I turned to for everything. Sometimes I catch myself saying 'gosh I hope he's not off drinking', or 'I hope he's going back to AA', but then I have to remind myself that it's not my problem.

I went to Al-Anon today. Felt nice. Calmed me down. I texted his dad on Wednesday because his dad was converting my VHS tapes to DVD for me and I hadn't seen a response so I assumed I would never see them again. Today after Al-Anon, his dad texted me that he gave them to my ex (which he did deliver before my Al-Anon meeting) and his dad said "I hope everything will be OK!" and for some reason, that statement was enough for me. All this time of wanting some appreciation, some justice, and in that moment, when I read his dad's message, it made me feel that this was indeed the right thing to do. It felt SO nice to hear that someone in his family cared because it seems no one else does, not even him. Ironic how his dad is an alcoholic too...it's such a rough rollercoaster of emotions. Up and down then up and down, but in the pit of my stomach, I know this is the right thing to do. I just keep wishing this rebuilding period will go by faster...I'm so tired of these feelings...

SparkleKitty

Hey mdk -- I know it's little comfort but you are right where you are supposed to be in this process. It just takes time to come into your own, but make no mistake, that's what you're doing. At some point it will start to feel a little less exhausting...and a little more empowering...and then less exhausting...more empowering...then the balance shifts and your whole perspective is changed. You're well on you're way.

Any more martial arts classes??

mdkathy62

Hi SparkleKitty,

Yep, I've taken two Krav Maga classes so far and I do p90x at home. Another week is starting. The plan is Krav Maga Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays then other workouts on the other days. I've been cooking again, although dinner for one, I make enough to bring for lunch to work, doing laundry, etc. One day at a time...It's the early mornings and late nights that are the hardest. At least at night I can go to sleep to silence the pain for a bit. It's those early mornings before work that are a bit uneasy, but I know, like you said, things will get better with time.

Thank you all for your support.

lovesunandsnow

Reading everyone's posts on here today has helped me so much. I miss my ex-abf so much. Today I woke up just wreaked. We haven’t talked in a month or more, which is good I guess, but what I wouldn’t do today talk with him right now, or even see him, those thoughts consume me sometimes and are not healthy I know.

I guess he is my addiction and until I started with my own codependent recovery I didn’t understand this. I didn’t make him drink; I cannot stop him from drinking so why do I still wonder how he is, or if he is okay? I know it’s because I deeply loved him and would have done anything for him but what good did that do?

Nothing – I have figured out we are where we are because that is how life needs to be. Someday I do better with self-soothing then other days. Today reading all your heart felt truths is helpful to know I’m not alone in loving someone that cannot love me back.

Much light and love to you all.

mdkathy62

Thank you for sharing lovesunandsnow,

It's been two weeks since I left my XABF. I think about him everyday. I miss him everyday. Truthfully, I still get those thoughts like maybe we can get back together, maybe he will really be sober this time and not relapse, maybe I should've stayed with him and been more patient, and whenever those thoughts creep up, I remind myself of everything I heard in Al-Anon and everything I've read on SR.

I listen to a lot of songs while I drive, on repeat over and over. Currently it's Bruno Mars "It Will Rain" and Trey Songz "Simply Amazing" and "Fumble". I find myself tearing up from time to time when I sing these songs in my car. And everyday I just have to tell myself, one more day, just one more day. Everyday that I make it, I'm one day closer to happiness...

lovesunandsnow

mdkathy62 - I hear you on the songs. I stoped listen to the radio and now at home with no tv and only internet so I can find work. I have been watching hulu or the news to keep on for noise. I found the songs were to painful.

Have you heard the album from Pink "funhouse" well that is a break up album like no other and after I moved I was listening to it and it wreaked me. I thought Pink was talking directly to me about my ex-abf. Keep stong, I'm trying to.

The would have, should have kill me to. I replay to much in my head to the point of making myself sick. I'm working very hard at night to think of anything else. My past is really truly my past and I cannot change any of it. That has been the hardest part of this awful journey. I wish I could change so much and walk back in time but we cannot! Have a good evening.