Does Alcoholics Anonymous ban relationship? Need help....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
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Relationhips are an outside issue about which AA as a whole has no opinion. Many members believe you should not enter into any new relationships in early sobriety. There is no rule about this though. Anyone who tells you otherwise is mis-informed.
Let me stress again, AA members all have opinions. Many share common ones. But that's all they are. Opinions, not rules. If it is an outside issue, which relationships are, AA has NO opinion.
Let me stress again, AA members all have opinions. Many share common ones. But that's all they are. Opinions, not rules. If it is an outside issue, which relationships are, AA has NO opinion.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
The 12+12, on page 119, talks about relationships. It talks about them in STEP 12 for a good reason. So, having had a spiritual awakening, the AA, if he/she is in fit spiritual condition, is ready.
Working the steps is the AA's priority, not scoring booty/new relationship.
There are many things that the fellowship of AA is right about. They are suggestions that have stood the test of time. Suggestions, yes, but so are the steps, right? And we know what that means...
Working the steps is the AA's priority, not scoring booty/new relationship.
There are many things that the fellowship of AA is right about. They are suggestions that have stood the test of time. Suggestions, yes, but so are the steps, right? And we know what that means...
Iceberg Ahead!
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Originally Posted by bbthumper 
Relationhips are an outside issue about which AA as a whole has no opinion. Many members believe you should not enter into any new relationships in early sobriety. There is no rule about this though. Anyone who tells you otherwise is mis-informed.
Let me stress again, AA members all have opinions. Many share common ones. But that's all they are. Opinions, not rules. If it is an outside issue, which relationships are, AA has NO opinion.
Let me stress again, AA members all have opinions. Many share common ones. But that's all they are. Opinions, not rules. If it is an outside issue, which relationships are, AA has NO opinion.
" Compatibility, of course, can be so impossibly damaged that a separation may be necessary. But those cases are the unusual ones. The alcoholic, realizing what his wife has endured, and now fully understanding how much he himself did to damage her and his children, nearly always takes up his marriage responsibilities with a willingness to repair what he can and to accept what he can't. He persistently tries all of A.A.'s Twelve Steps in his home, often with fine results. At this point he firmly but lovingly commences to behave like a partner instead of like a bad boy. And above all he is finally convinced that reckless romancing is not a way of life for him.
A.A. has many single alcoholics who wish to marry and are in a position to do so. Some marry fellow A.A.'s. How do they come out? On the whole these marriages are very good ones. Their common suffering as drinkers, their common interest in A.A. and spiritual things, often enhance such unions. It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus [or even worse at rehab]," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.'s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them. The considerations are equally true and important for the A.A.'s who marry "outside" A.A. With clear understanding and right, grown-up attitudes, very happy results do follow.
And what can be said of many A.A. members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life? At first many of these feel lonely, hurt, and left out as they witness so much domestic happiness about them. If they cannot have this kind of happiness, can A.A. offer them satisfactions of similar worth and durability? Yes--whenever they try hard to seek them out. Surrounded by so many A.A. friends, these so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone. In partnership with others--women and men--they can devote themselves to any number of ideas, people, and constructive projects. Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women. We daily see such members render prodigies of service, and receive great joys in return."
That's COMMONLY known as the "No 13th stepping (AA to AA) - no new relationships (AA to non-A) - in the first year of recovery" recommendation. NOT an opinion. NOT an "outside issue" as per Tradition Ten. Right there in one of the two oldest, basic AA texts, mate.A.A. has many single alcoholics who wish to marry and are in a position to do so. Some marry fellow A.A.'s. How do they come out? On the whole these marriages are very good ones. Their common suffering as drinkers, their common interest in A.A. and spiritual things, often enhance such unions. It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus [or even worse at rehab]," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.'s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them. The considerations are equally true and important for the A.A.'s who marry "outside" A.A. With clear understanding and right, grown-up attitudes, very happy results do follow.
And what can be said of many A.A. members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life? At first many of these feel lonely, hurt, and left out as they witness so much domestic happiness about them. If they cannot have this kind of happiness, can A.A. offer them satisfactions of similar worth and durability? Yes--whenever they try hard to seek them out. Surrounded by so many A.A. friends, these so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone. In partnership with others--women and men--they can devote themselves to any number of ideas, people, and constructive projects. Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women. We daily see such members render prodigies of service, and receive great joys in return."
I'd say the OP feels crippled a bit, wouldn't you?
That's why mfanch is right on - these recommendations or suggestions have stood the test of time!
Step 10? Sorry, that's your inventory bbthumper, not mine.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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The original poster's X was and still is playing a game of hangman.
And it looks like he's in the process of spelling R-E-L-A-P-S-E with already crippling consequences to the OP, and then likely that new "special person," and surely the X himself - for starters.
And it looks like he's in the process of spelling R-E-L-A-P-S-E with already crippling consequences to the OP, and then likely that new "special person," and surely the X himself - for starters.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
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My intention here was to make clear that, no, AA does not ban relationships. I am taking a shot in the dark here, but if I were to call AA headquarters and ask for the official AA recommendation regaring relationships they would not have one. I don't know where it says wait a year in any of our literature. Certainly not in our basic text as far as I know.
The recommendation is a great. Of course we want folks to be healthy before entering relationships. But to say that it is a rule of AA or that AA bans 1st year relationships is not true.
The recommendation is a great. Of course we want folks to be healthy before entering relationships. But to say that it is a rule of AA or that AA bans 1st year relationships is not true.
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Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
My bf who was very crazy about me broke up with me for no reason.We had a perfect chemistry and not even a mnth we strtd dating.. He is into alcoholics anonymous for about ten months i believe. He suggested me to join Al-anon. It was just a suggestion and I told him I will support him so not to worry. The problem is he used to skip AA meetings to go out with me. I didnt know AA is very imprtnt and didnt care about that. He used to say that he has to attend daily. I remember him saying once that he should not be in a relationship within one yr of recovery as per AA. I dont know what happened all of a sudden he started avoding me and said that 'we can be friends' and this wont work'..'Give me some time'..'This is not u,this is me'..It was like wat is happening! its not beleivable... I didnt accept..I got frustrated and finally he was very harsh with me and we broke up.... All this happened as he met a special person which he doesnt say who it is. but I believe it is his sponsor...He cut off all the contacts with me. He even doesnt attend my calls...... I am so depressed.. Any suggestions... How to find whthr a person has completed the 12step program? How often they must go to meeting in AA aftr completion?
Secondly, you don't accept this, that is obvious. Now I have to ask you why? It is because it is not what you want? And in looking at that alone, don't you think that's a bit selfish on your part for insisting things be your way?
Regardless of what he is or isn't doing and why, he ended the relationship. So leave with your dignity intact. Be the one who got away, not the one he is glad to see go. Allow him the respect of self-determination.
I am sorry this happened; I know it hurts. But it will hurt less down the road if you allow it to be as it is, not try to make it something it isn;t (AA's fault). You met a guy, he liked you, he tried a relationship, it didn't fit where he is in life right now, and now its over. Maybe look at it as another opportunity to go find someone who is interested and ready for a relationship with you.
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Confused, oh honey I feel for you. I've also met guys that seemed to be crazy about me then suddenly dumped me for no apparent reason.... When pressed for a reason (did I really need a reason?), I've gotten "I'm not over my divorce yet." "I just don't want to be in a relationship." "I think we're better off as friends" etc. when the real reason was probably: "well, I really liked you and was attracted to you when I first met you, but after getting to know you and spending some times with you, I just don't feel that initial rush of infatuation and lust that I first felt, and I don't really picture us together long term, so I think id like to end this.". Their decision, sometimes not handled well, but the bottom line is they didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and nothing I said or did was going to change that. I would've saved a lot of time and tears if I had just accepted that fact and stopped trying to figure out what all the deep reasons for them not wanting to be with me were, and then feeling bad about myself because I didn't feel good enough, attractive enough, etc.
So whatever AA says or doesn't say about relationships, it just seems like this guy don't want to have a relationship with you right now, which totally sucks i know, but that's how it is. Forget him, I know it's hard. But from experience I can tell you that this can drag out for months or years, where you may get back together, then break up again, or he relapses, or who knows. Make a clean break and find someone who wants to be with you.
So whatever AA says or doesn't say about relationships, it just seems like this guy don't want to have a relationship with you right now, which totally sucks i know, but that's how it is. Forget him, I know it's hard. But from experience I can tell you that this can drag out for months or years, where you may get back together, then break up again, or he relapses, or who knows. Make a clean break and find someone who wants to be with you.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
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Thirteenth stepping to me in AA, is where someone has predatory/ (not noble) intentions.
In other words, CREEPS!
Creeps are everywhere, especially clubs and bars.
Half the members could be accused of it if not. Most of us were a bit lala and pink clouds were overhead!
The OP mentioned "someone special"
He might mean his sponsor or even God.
Who knows?
He, like many probably felt ready for a relationship, but wasn't.
I think it is better to let it go.
I am sorry for anyone, anywhere who has their heart hurt.
In other words, CREEPS!
Creeps are everywhere, especially clubs and bars.
Half the members could be accused of it if not. Most of us were a bit lala and pink clouds were overhead!
The OP mentioned "someone special"
He might mean his sponsor or even God.
Who knows?
He, like many probably felt ready for a relationship, but wasn't.
I think it is better to let it go.
I am sorry for anyone, anywhere who has their heart hurt.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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So frankly said lillamy, and sweetly said Hollyanne! 
And many a 13th stepper additionally has participated in causing the breakup, or in preventing the repair of an existing marriage or relationship the A had at the time the A met the other 13th stepper.
And many a 13th stepper additionally has participated in causing the breakup, or in preventing the repair of an existing marriage or relationship the A had at the time the A met the other 13th stepper.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Titanic
To hopefully clear up the confusion, please read the general recommendation again allforcnm: "No big changes [decisions] and no new romantic/sexual relationships in the first year." Excluding cases of domestic violence or abuse, of course, as always.
That means that if you ALREADY are in a relationship before rehab/recovery begins, you DO NOT make any big changes or decisions as to THAT relationship. No separation or divorce. You work the AA program instead.
Pretty much all alcoholics are told to put sober recovery first, #1 priority, because the alternative is not at all good for the A or the loved ones. So, yes, the spouse or partner must take a step back in priority BUT NOT OUT of the existing relationship! And yes, they MAY have to be physically apart for a while (per most inpatient rehabs and halfway houses' rules etc., not AA's; it's a medical-detox-segregated treatment-insurance-administrative-beds thing). (P.S. I wasn't on SR back then when you posted.)
AA and Al-Anon both support ALL family members working their own recoveries simultaneously and what could be more equal than that?!
The couple in Intervention already were a couple before rehab so that was AOK as I said before.
The OP, however, GOT INVOLVED while the A was IN the first year of recovery so clearly the A was not following the recommendation. Who suffers? Her, innocently bamboozled by this "dry alcoholic." The A knew well what he was SUPPOSED to do. In addition, read his other lines ... they just go to show you what he's all about still ... just sayin' what I see (like we Al-Anoners are supposed to) and not talking to him about his inventory or his side of the street.
Hope that helps!
That means that if you ALREADY are in a relationship before rehab/recovery begins, you DO NOT make any big changes or decisions as to THAT relationship. No separation or divorce. You work the AA program instead.
Pretty much all alcoholics are told to put sober recovery first, #1 priority, because the alternative is not at all good for the A or the loved ones. So, yes, the spouse or partner must take a step back in priority BUT NOT OUT of the existing relationship! And yes, they MAY have to be physically apart for a while (per most inpatient rehabs and halfway houses' rules etc., not AA's; it's a medical-detox-segregated treatment-insurance-administrative-beds thing). (P.S. I wasn't on SR back then when you posted.)
AA and Al-Anon both support ALL family members working their own recoveries simultaneously and what could be more equal than that?!
The couple in Intervention already were a couple before rehab so that was AOK as I said before.
The OP, however, GOT INVOLVED while the A was IN the first year of recovery so clearly the A was not following the recommendation. Who suffers? Her, innocently bamboozled by this "dry alcoholic." The A knew well what he was SUPPOSED to do. In addition, read his other lines ... they just go to show you what he's all about still ... just sayin' what I see (like we Al-Anoners are supposed to) and not talking to him about his inventory or his side of the street.
Hope that helps!
I still have mixed feelings on the subject. I know what I have read here for the past six months; I've hit I'd say 2 dozen posts on the F&F forums from men and women who had been in a relationship for several months before the recovery started. And in these people were told either AA/NA says They should not be in a relationship for a year, or the sponsor says They shouldn't be in a relationship.
And on top of that I know I've read at least a 100 posts where people here have told a wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé they have to step back for a year, best to separate and each work alone and then reunite because if it's true love the time won't matter. Just about every other post on F&F substance Abuse tells someone this regardless of why they com here to post.
And I know what I was told here regarding my husband, by many including some of the veterans, (most from the F&F substance as that is where I posted originally).
So what I think must be; if it's truly not an AA rule; is that relationships are at the mercy of the sponsor ( who is highly influential) and others in the group. And based on what I've viewed many think the A should be in no relationship of any kind.
And I say this out of concern because a person in recovery looks to these people for advice and counsel, and may accept their opinions over their own because they feel like they are doing what is necessary/required. They may be vulnerable and get swayed.
And then there are the people who date after the person gets in recovery; things are fine for months & then they are hit with my sponsor thinks I shouldn't be dating, my sponsor says I'm slacking off and it's because I'm dating so I need to end things and just focus on me. So to me, it's a question of is this undue influence, or truly from the persons (the A's heart). Is the slacking so severe they couldn't be advised to find balance? Don't they balance work? Or if that gets in the way are they advised to quit their jobs? Real life requires balance in all areas.
And I won't get into the at least half dozen post I've seen where the addict breaks up, and then is dating the sponsor. One or two cases the sponsor even stalked the couple....
So I'm skeptical to say the least about the rule, and it's application.
Having said that, in general whenever someone goes through a trauma they are told to wait a year before making major changes. Like if someone dies, if you get divorced, recovering from a major illness. It's just in these cases you don't have the divorce attorney saying there is a rule, or your doctor playing advocate in your love life.
And with all that said, the OP still will just have to accept the boyfriends decision because regardless of how he got there; it's now his to own.
Iceberg Ahead!
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Very thoughtfully and well-written! Also, you've shed new light on something I hoped I would never hear of [sponsor misbehavior]. I think your post is an excellent cautionary tale.
Your "balance" idea is something to think about too, and I will!
Thanks and all the best to you!
Your "balance" idea is something to think about too, and I will!
Thanks and all the best to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
I had posted this already on my own thread. But it is so apropos to this thread that I had to repost. (Hope that is OK)
My constantly changing status XAGF called me today to let me know her sponsor thinks we we need time apart. Call it quits for at least the time being.
She was even reading off notes given to her by her sponsor.
Now I know that us not seeing each other is probably for the best. I understand that her sponsor's only concern is her sobriety, but it still ticks me off.
I have been with this girl for over 8 years. Seen her through every up and down scenario. Including diving into the water after her when she was trying to drown herself.
I literally carried her into detox.
And now a woman she barely knows who only has 2 years sobriety and took her on as her first sponsee is directing every aspect of our relationship.
Am I feeling just a little bitter? I think so.
My constantly changing status XAGF called me today to let me know her sponsor thinks we we need time apart. Call it quits for at least the time being.
She was even reading off notes given to her by her sponsor.
Now I know that us not seeing each other is probably for the best. I understand that her sponsor's only concern is her sobriety, but it still ticks me off.
I have been with this girl for over 8 years. Seen her through every up and down scenario. Including diving into the water after her when she was trying to drown herself.
I literally carried her into detox.
And now a woman she barely knows who only has 2 years sobriety and took her on as her first sponsee is directing every aspect of our relationship.
Am I feeling just a little bitter? I think so.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
If he is ready to come find you when he is ready, then he will. And you have to accept that, because he is realizing right now that a relationship is just added stress that he doesn't need. Not that he doesn't care about you, but he needs to focus on himself. And it is true, because if he doesn't, he will relapse.
It's not about you, it's about him.
It's not about you, it's about him.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
I dont know what happened all of a sudden he started avoding me and said that 'we can be friends' and this wont work'..'Give me some time'..'This is not u,this is me'..It was like wat is happening! its not beleivable... I didnt accept.
How to find whthr a person has completed the 12step program? How often they must go to meeting in AA aftr completion?
How to find whthr a person has completed the 12step program? How often they must go to meeting in AA aftr completion?
AA has nothing to do with this.
You're questions about AA ... AA doesn't have any rules at all. It is often suggested in many 12-step programs not to get into a new relationship in the first year of recovery. That suggestion is based on many peoples experience. Relationships are tough .... and even more tough if you're trying to truly work on yourself.
There is no completion of any 12-Step program. Just to simplify it, It's a life-long process of working on being a better person .... or the best person you can be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 23
Hi thanks for all your posts....Very helpful... My confusion is why cant he tell me directly tat his sponsor told to break up with me for time being.. Why is he hesitant to say that. He even said that he is living a normal life only now so he needs time. Well I couldnt get him at that time I was confused. Now it was clear what he was trying to explain me. But why should he behave rudely with me. We were like mad about each other and all of a sudden as he gets sugestions from someone(sponsor) he behaves the exact opposite. I am the innocent victim... It pains!
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It's not a "rule" in A.A it is a "suggestion" to not be in a relationship for the first year.
I'm not referring to people who are already married or have been in committed long-term relationships BEFORE A.A. I'm referring to people starting A.A and getting into a relationship. From PERSONAL experience NOT a good idea for the first one or two years. Too stressful and confusing and as A's having trouble finding balance there is a danger of the relationship turning into another addiction and when it doesn't work out having a relapse.
I'm not referring to people who are already married or have been in committed long-term relationships BEFORE A.A. I'm referring to people starting A.A and getting into a relationship. From PERSONAL experience NOT a good idea for the first one or two years. Too stressful and confusing and as A's having trouble finding balance there is a danger of the relationship turning into another addiction and when it doesn't work out having a relapse.
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