i need advice. i posted on another thread but really need advice
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Bellee))
Welcome to our SR family ~
maybe you should post here about your situation - starting your own thread is usually the best way to get suggestions and experience on how other members have handled similar situations. . .
From my experience, the disease of alcoholism and addiction becomes the main focus of the addict ~ therefore the person is emotionally unable to give any support, time, effort and feelings to any other person, thing, child, spouse, partner or so on ~ the drug of choice becomes their life ~ It's nothing personal - it's just the nature of the disease ~
Doesn't mean that you have to accept that behavior - for me it was just a step to understanding the disease to help me to know what was the next healthiest step for me and my life.
Pink hugs,
Welcome to our SR family ~
maybe you should post here about your situation - starting your own thread is usually the best way to get suggestions and experience on how other members have handled similar situations. . .
From my experience, the disease of alcoholism and addiction becomes the main focus of the addict ~ therefore the person is emotionally unable to give any support, time, effort and feelings to any other person, thing, child, spouse, partner or so on ~ the drug of choice becomes their life ~ It's nothing personal - it's just the nature of the disease ~
Doesn't mean that you have to accept that behavior - for me it was just a step to understanding the disease to help me to know what was the next healthiest step for me and my life.
Pink hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi bellee,
Thank you for posting. I can just tell you about my own experience. My XABF would go in and out of being emotionally available. One minute he loved me more than life itself, was extremely attentive and thoughtful, the next minute he ignored me for days, sometimes weeks. He would go from saying 'I love you' and being lovey dovey to not saying a word to me. There were many times where I would cry and he would literally stare at the ground. He wouldn't lift a finger to hug or even touch me. It made me more sad. What was wrong with my that he couldn't even comfort me?
I had to really educate myself on alcoholism. I went to AA with him very often then started going to a few Al-Anon meetings and found SR. I spent many days and nights waiting and dying for a word, a hug, a text, a call, anything, and we lived together mind you. He even slept on the couch voluntarily at times and it became such a drag to argue, to blow up, because he would NOT respond even if I threatened to leave. He would just sit there and stare at the wall.
I would say, for me, that was the hardest thing. Sure, the lying was bad, but him not even acknowledging my existence, acknowledging my pain, and not appearing that he cared one ounce about our relationship or me is what hurt the MOST. I felt like I was in a battle that was already lost. I was fighting for this relationship, but he wasn't. And so...I left him after 3 years. I decided, this is not what I want for the rest of my life. It's been two weeks since I left him and the pain is excruciating, but I know if he were here, I wouldn't feel any better. He'd still be ignoring me.
Thank you for posting. I can just tell you about my own experience. My XABF would go in and out of being emotionally available. One minute he loved me more than life itself, was extremely attentive and thoughtful, the next minute he ignored me for days, sometimes weeks. He would go from saying 'I love you' and being lovey dovey to not saying a word to me. There were many times where I would cry and he would literally stare at the ground. He wouldn't lift a finger to hug or even touch me. It made me more sad. What was wrong with my that he couldn't even comfort me?
I had to really educate myself on alcoholism. I went to AA with him very often then started going to a few Al-Anon meetings and found SR. I spent many days and nights waiting and dying for a word, a hug, a text, a call, anything, and we lived together mind you. He even slept on the couch voluntarily at times and it became such a drag to argue, to blow up, because he would NOT respond even if I threatened to leave. He would just sit there and stare at the wall.
I would say, for me, that was the hardest thing. Sure, the lying was bad, but him not even acknowledging my existence, acknowledging my pain, and not appearing that he cared one ounce about our relationship or me is what hurt the MOST. I felt like I was in a battle that was already lost. I was fighting for this relationship, but he wasn't. And so...I left him after 3 years. I decided, this is not what I want for the rest of my life. It's been two weeks since I left him and the pain is excruciating, but I know if he were here, I wouldn't feel any better. He'd still be ignoring me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I posted on newcomers but should have posted on here... I am laying in bed crying and crying... I am a new addition to al anon and acoa. Both of my parents are recovering for 25 years.i joined this to better understand someone I began dating, even though i have been fearful to open up. When he told me he was recovering, 5 1/2 years, and he felt it would be good to examine the root of my dating anxiety and possible link to my childhood, I thought I actually had someone patient enough to support me in my journey. Instead, he kept taking my inventory, suggesting/mandating steps I needed to take then ignoring when I was anxious or felt like a low priority in his time. I was. Last night, after a weekend of no return of texts, missed calls when I told him I was unavailable, an extremely anxious and emotional week at work, and just plain feeling like I have been trying to get to know someone who thinks he is my counselor, he called and broke it off. Telling me hecan't handle/process and respond to texts. He said I need to work harder on my sickness... I lost it. How does someone lead you into this journey of self help, tell you he wants to be there for you, keep talking about wanting to get to know you, you tell him you are dealing with a lot and please be patient, plus he knows you are affected by someone else's alcoholism and you are trying so hard to understand him and his confusing behavior.... I am devastated. It was not a long relationship but intense. He put everything over making time for me a priority. I figured it was too early to expect more. Then he ignores me asking when will we get together. Well, now I get dumped. What is anyone's advice? I will continue acoa but this sours my view of using AA to judge someone. He used it through out the dumping process saying I don't realuze I am "sick". Or I don't know what I am talking about. I should mention my parents fully nvolved me in their recovery and we talk about it all the time. n here. I am an emotional mess.
I copied over your post from the other thread. I'm a little confused so I want to make sure that I understand.
He is sober 5.5 yrs & in the process of developing a relationship with you he suggested that you start examining your ACoA issues as they relate to your anxiety about dating/relationships. You have not been dating for very long, but figured that someone in recovery might be receptive to your issues & perceived this relationship/person as a "Safe place" to open up a Pandora's box of repressed emotions & memories... only to have him back off when you reached out & then break off the relationship after you exposed your vulnerabilities, which is leaving you feeling twice as exposed (I assume) especially since it was HIS idea to dive deeply into YOUR issues.
If I am correct in my summary, it sounds bad to me from the get-go. It doesn't sound as though you were really ready to begin this journey, but more pushed into it. When you say "How can someone lead you into this journey of self-help & then...." it sounds very unhealthy to me.... no one can dictate our therapy or recovery except for ourselves. By definition it is SELF-help.
I don't know what his reasons would be for pushing you to go through all of this, but it IS reasonable to think that somewhere along the line something in the process triggered him & made him feel that his own sobriety was at risk. Could it be that he 'bit off more than he could chew' and retreated to preserve himself before he became more enmeshed in your issues?
I can tell you're hurting, but hopefully you'll find comfort and advice here & in your meetings & this pain is just temporary. ((((HUGS))))
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
He doesn't sound like a great example of AA to me .... but then, none of us are perfect.
My thought when I read this was, are you dating or is he your shrink?
I know I sure wouldn't want to attempt to sponsor someone who I'm dating or even a close friend or family member. Not to mention, he works the program of AA, not Alanon or ACOA. If I had to guess, he probably genuinely wanted to be helpful. When he realized he had bit off more than he could chew, he ran.
He doesn't sound like much a catch to me.....but i am sorry you're hurting. It will get better.
When he told me he was recovering, 5 1/2 years, and he felt it would be good to examine the root of my dating anxiety and possible link to my childhood...
I know I sure wouldn't want to attempt to sponsor someone who I'm dating or even a close friend or family member. Not to mention, he works the program of AA, not Alanon or ACOA. If I had to guess, he probably genuinely wanted to be helpful. When he realized he had bit off more than he could chew, he ran.
He doesn't sound like much a catch to me.....but i am sorry you're hurting. It will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Interesting - for someone in AA that long, he totally took your inventory and planted himself on your side of the street (recovery terminology).
But, as PaperDolls says above, no one is perfect.
So be hurt, feel angry, but let this one go. And take some time to work on yourself, so next time around, you find someone healthy and reasonable, and will know what it looks like when it happens.
But, as PaperDolls says above, no one is perfect.
So be hurt, feel angry, but let this one go. And take some time to work on yourself, so next time around, you find someone healthy and reasonable, and will know what it looks like when it happens.
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