Does Alcoholics Anonymous ban relationship? Need help....
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You aren't an innocent victim, you aren't a victim at all if you choose not to be.
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14 
Hi thanks for all your posts....Very helpful... My confusion is why cant he tell me directly tat his sponsor told to break up with me for time being.. Why is he hesitant to say that. He even said that he is living a normal life only now so he needs time. Well I couldnt get him at that time I was confused. Now it was clear what he was trying to explain me. But why should he behave rudely with me. We were like mad about each other and all of a sudden as he gets sugestions from someone(sponsor) he behaves the exact opposite. I am the innocent victim... It pains!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Some A's go to A.A for the rest of their lives. The steps aren't "completed" they are there to be work through again and again, recovery is a lifetime process. We never graduate, thank god.
Possibly what he is telling you is real and he needs to focus on his sobriety?
Possibly what he is telling you is real and he needs to focus on his sobriety?
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
My bf who was very crazy about me broke up with me for no reason.We had a perfect chemistry and not even a mnth we strtd dating.. He is into alcoholics anonymous for about ten months i believe. He suggested me to join Al-anon. It was just a suggestion and I told him I will support him so not to worry. The problem is he used to skip AA meetings to go out with me. I didnt know AA is very imprtnt and didnt care about that. He used to say that he has to attend daily. I remember him saying once that he should not be in a relationship within one yr of recovery as per AA. I dont know what happened all of a sudden he started avoding me and said that 'we can be friends' and this wont work'..'Give me some time'..'This is not u,this is me'..It was like wat is happening! its not beleivable... I didnt accept..I got frustrated and finally he was very harsh with me and we broke up.... All this happened as he met a special person which he doesnt say who it is. but I believe it is his sponsor...He cut off all the contacts with me. He even doesnt attend my calls...... I am so depressed.. Any suggestions... How to find whthr a person has completed the 12step program? How often they must go to meeting in AA aftr completion?
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
It is distressing that your X and his entourage are not acting the way you expect.
Going to Al-Anon will help you. One of the things we learn is that we are powerless over other people. We don't control them. So, when we have expectations about how they should or will act, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. In living or dealing with the chaos and unpredictability of an A, we learn that it is better for us to focus on ourselves - what we can change (our actions and attitudes) - rather than on others and to accept the things we cannot change.
Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings (at least six; try different groups).
Peace.
Going to Al-Anon will help you. One of the things we learn is that we are powerless over other people. We don't control them. So, when we have expectations about how they should or will act, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. In living or dealing with the chaos and unpredictability of an A, we learn that it is better for us to focus on ourselves - what we can change (our actions and attitudes) - rather than on others and to accept the things we cannot change.
Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings (at least six; try different groups).
Peace.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
Hi thanks for all your posts....Very helpful... My confusion is why cant he tell me directly tat his sponsor told to break up with me for time being.. Why is he hesitant to say that. He even said that he is living a normal life only now so he needs time. Well I couldnt get him at that time I was confused. Now it was clear what he was trying to explain me. But why should he behave rudely with me. We were like mad about each other and all of a sudden as he gets sugestions from someone(sponsor) he behaves the exact opposite. I am the innocent victim... It pains!
Bottom line .... AA has nothing to do with this and neither does the fact that he's an alcoholic.
It doesn't sound like he's what you need in your life. Sounds like a good relationship not to be in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 23
Thanks for all replies! I have seen many posts that their bf/gf brke up with them in their first year of recovery. They broke up even they didnt wish that. There was no chance of him breaking up with me as we were like made for each other. Anyways I am really not sure what is happening.. I think he might have completed one year by now He is not going to meetings daily now-a-days... So how long the AA person has to wait before getting into relationship again..? Even when I tried to talk he is not happy to speak to me. This confuses me whether he hates me or he acts like that?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Confusedgirl, what exactly is so confusing? He broke up with you and now doesn't want to talk to you. You can tie yourself up in knots trying to find the reasons but the outcome doesn't change. Take all that energy and focus it back on you and figure out why you are so dead-set on being with someone who has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you.
I'm sorry if this feels harsh. It sounds like you want to blame AA for your ex's behavior, but surely the one thing you learn by reading the posts here is that each one of us is solely responsible for the choices we make. If he wanted to be with you, there is no power on earth that could stop him.
I'm sorry if this feels harsh. It sounds like you want to blame AA for your ex's behavior, but surely the one thing you learn by reading the posts here is that each one of us is solely responsible for the choices we make. If he wanted to be with you, there is no power on earth that could stop him.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
"No relationships in the first year" is more of a treatment saying and not in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I often tell people that if I shouldn't get into a relationship, then I shouldn't get a job either the first year.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Justfor1 remember that the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book of A.A. states at page 119:
A.A. has many single alcoholics who wish to marry and are in a position to do so. Some marry fellow A.A.'s. How do they come out? On the whole these marriages are very good ones. Their common suffering as drinkers, their common interest in A.A. and spiritual things, often enhance such unions. It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus [or even worse at rehab]," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.'s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them. The considerations are equally true and important for the A.A.'s who marry "outside" A.A. With clear understanding and right, grown-up attitudes, very happy results do follow.
The common A.A. experience and studies show, and the accepted wisdom is that it takes AT LEAST one year for alcoholics to become "solid A.A.'s." Hence, the no new relationships for at least a year recommendation. And that doesn't even factor in all of the other considerations emphasized in that quote. To me, it's insanity for an alcoholic to get involved in that first year or two of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
Thanks for all replies! I have seen many posts that their bf/gf brke up with them in their first year of recovery. They broke up even they didnt wish that. There was no chance of him breaking up with me as we were like made for each other. Anyways I am really not sure what is happening.. I think he might have completed one year by now He is not going to meetings daily now-a-days... So how long the AA person has to wait before getting into relationship again..? Even when I tried to talk he is not happy to speak to me. This confuses me whether he hates me or he acts like that?
Lots of great posts and not much to add but I do have this thought.
More than 50% of marriages fail. The vast majority of relationships without a ring fail.
Now lets add alcoholism to the mix... I can't even begin to consider what the odds of a successful lifelong relationship might have been with this person.
In dating, in life, most relationships fail! This isn't complicated. If he was still "crazy" about you and it was just a matter of time he surely would have communicated something like that to you!
I hate to say this but it sounds like the movie... he's just not that into you anymore. It happens... a lot... all the time all over the planet.
Time to move on and if it is your destiny you will see him someday... or not!
It's a big world out there and he is not the only man on the planet... find one that is not in AA... trust me it is in your best interest!
You can find happiness without the guy!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Hopeworks, I think the l ine from the movie that you speak of: "He is just not that into you", is often applicable in instances of crumbling relationships. Sometimes, this is just a reality of life. Sure, it sucks bigtime for the one who feels left behind. But, reality, nontheless.
Sometimes, when I watch Discovery/Animal planet, and I see the mating rituals of other mammals, I think about how harsh reality can be. For instance, when the moose are hitting their heads together until one is broken and defeated---how harsh is that!!!!
Do you suppose there is a website for moose with broken horns?
dandylion
Sometimes, when I watch Discovery/Animal planet, and I see the mating rituals of other mammals, I think about how harsh reality can be. For instance, when the moose are hitting their heads together until one is broken and defeated---how harsh is that!!!!
Do you suppose there is a website for moose with broken horns?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Let me make sure I understand.
He never had a problem with alcohol. Then he suddenly had 2 months of heavy drinking and entered AA and had to go every day. Eight months after entering AA, he meets you and you have the perfect relationship. Then two months later (10 months of AA), he tells you he has to break up with you because there's a rule about no relationships in the first year of AA. You sort of suspect he's having a relationship with the sponsor who told him this. Now he's been in AA for a year but he's not taking your calls or willing to discuss your relationship with him. It seems like he hates you, but you are willing to wait for him to complete his year.
Is that correct?
If so, you dated someone for two months, who decided he was not interested in continuing. It doesn't matter why. He's not interested in dating you, no matter how perfect the relationship seemed to you. It was not perfect for him, or else he'd have continued dating you.
After two months of dating, he broke up with you, and you are still calling him and bugging him about why and telling you the truth and waiting for him and what's 'really' going on. If this is the case, you are likely coming off as desperate, needy, clingy and perhaps, stalkerish.
It does not matter why he broke up with you. If you check any dating website forum, you will see lots of posts about someone ending a 'perfect' we-were-meant-for-each-other, we-had-perfect-chemistry relationship after just a couple of months. And the other person being devastated. The truth is, you cannot know if it's love or infatuation for at least two years of steady dating. Helen Fisher's book, The Anatomy of Love, explains the chemical reactions of love and infatuation etc... very well.
So this likely does not have anything to do with alcohol and addiction (although it could, addicts are very unstable).
What's more is that it's highly unlikely that he went his whole life with not alcohol problem, then binged for two months and suddenly started an intensive AA recovery program. That's just not a very credible story. Alcoholism usually develops over time and people fight the knowledge that it's a problem in their life. Although it could happen, I've never heard of alcoholism developing in 8 weeks and the alcoholic acknowledging the problem so quickly and getting himself into a program.
Either he lied to you or you misunderstood or both. In any case, let this one go. His drinking problem is likely much worse than you understand and he doesn't want to be with you. Two excellent reasons to move on.
I understand that the two or so months you were together were wonderful for you and you miss them and their implied promise of a wonderful future and this all hurts very badly, but it seems you are focusing on the wrong thing in trying to make yourself feel better.
It's not about AA's rules about relationships, nor about what he told you when he broke up with you, or the depth of his alcohol problem.
This is about you; and why you gave your whole heart and soul away so easily and quickly and why you are so reluctant to face the truth that it it HIM who doesn't want a relationship, not AA, not the drinking, not the sponsor. And that if someone who knew only a couple of months doesn't want a relationship with you, it does not speak to your worth, value, or loveability. Nobody can possibly know in a few weeks whether you are a wonderful person or not. Just as it's not possible for you to know someone else.
You sound very young, and I hope you get some professional help to work through this.
He never had a problem with alcohol. Then he suddenly had 2 months of heavy drinking and entered AA and had to go every day. Eight months after entering AA, he meets you and you have the perfect relationship. Then two months later (10 months of AA), he tells you he has to break up with you because there's a rule about no relationships in the first year of AA. You sort of suspect he's having a relationship with the sponsor who told him this. Now he's been in AA for a year but he's not taking your calls or willing to discuss your relationship with him. It seems like he hates you, but you are willing to wait for him to complete his year.
Is that correct?
If so, you dated someone for two months, who decided he was not interested in continuing. It doesn't matter why. He's not interested in dating you, no matter how perfect the relationship seemed to you. It was not perfect for him, or else he'd have continued dating you.
After two months of dating, he broke up with you, and you are still calling him and bugging him about why and telling you the truth and waiting for him and what's 'really' going on. If this is the case, you are likely coming off as desperate, needy, clingy and perhaps, stalkerish.
It does not matter why he broke up with you. If you check any dating website forum, you will see lots of posts about someone ending a 'perfect' we-were-meant-for-each-other, we-had-perfect-chemistry relationship after just a couple of months. And the other person being devastated. The truth is, you cannot know if it's love or infatuation for at least two years of steady dating. Helen Fisher's book, The Anatomy of Love, explains the chemical reactions of love and infatuation etc... very well.
So this likely does not have anything to do with alcohol and addiction (although it could, addicts are very unstable).
What's more is that it's highly unlikely that he went his whole life with not alcohol problem, then binged for two months and suddenly started an intensive AA recovery program. That's just not a very credible story. Alcoholism usually develops over time and people fight the knowledge that it's a problem in their life. Although it could happen, I've never heard of alcoholism developing in 8 weeks and the alcoholic acknowledging the problem so quickly and getting himself into a program.
Either he lied to you or you misunderstood or both. In any case, let this one go. His drinking problem is likely much worse than you understand and he doesn't want to be with you. Two excellent reasons to move on.
I understand that the two or so months you were together were wonderful for you and you miss them and their implied promise of a wonderful future and this all hurts very badly, but it seems you are focusing on the wrong thing in trying to make yourself feel better.
It's not about AA's rules about relationships, nor about what he told you when he broke up with you, or the depth of his alcohol problem.
This is about you; and why you gave your whole heart and soul away so easily and quickly and why you are so reluctant to face the truth that it it HIM who doesn't want a relationship, not AA, not the drinking, not the sponsor. And that if someone who knew only a couple of months doesn't want a relationship with you, it does not speak to your worth, value, or loveability. Nobody can possibly know in a few weeks whether you are a wonderful person or not. Just as it's not possible for you to know someone else.
You sound very young, and I hope you get some professional help to work through this.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
AA does not dictate the number of meetings to attend nor does it ban relationships. This stuff arose from rehab centers in the 1970's.
AA and Al Anon have no issue on major changes during the first year of sobriety, this also came from rehab centers in the 1970's and seems to be what AA or Al Anon suggests as there are many members who came from rehabs since that time.
Stopping drinking, attending meetings, and working the steps ARE major changes!
Working the steps thoroughly and daily is what the program of recovery is along with establishing and maintaining a personal relationship with a power greater than oneself.
Attending meetings for a life time is a personal choice although most people do work with other suffering alcoholics as it helps them to give back freely what was once freely given to them and it helps us to remember where we came from and what we were like. It basically gives us another daily reprieve from our alcoholism.
A sponsor can give suggestions, but unless they are sharing their personal experience as to what they've been through and what the outcome was, it is just another opinion.
Only your bf can answer the question as to what he is doing and why.
AA and Al Anon have no issue on major changes during the first year of sobriety, this also came from rehab centers in the 1970's and seems to be what AA or Al Anon suggests as there are many members who came from rehabs since that time.
Stopping drinking, attending meetings, and working the steps ARE major changes!
Working the steps thoroughly and daily is what the program of recovery is along with establishing and maintaining a personal relationship with a power greater than oneself.
Attending meetings for a life time is a personal choice although most people do work with other suffering alcoholics as it helps them to give back freely what was once freely given to them and it helps us to remember where we came from and what we were like. It basically gives us another daily reprieve from our alcoholism.
A sponsor can give suggestions, but unless they are sharing their personal experience as to what they've been through and what the outcome was, it is just another opinion.
Only your bf can answer the question as to what he is doing and why.
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
Originally Posted by Titanic
I get the rest of your response Rob, but not this part. The OP, Confusedgirl14, was NOT in a relationship with the bf when he joined AA: "Hi titanic thanks for your post.... I cant leave him like that.. Ya he met me while he was in recovery(i think 8th mnth)."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by RobC420
No. I think you misunderstand. If you're married when entering recovery the "no relationship in the first year" SUGGESTION does NOT apply. The SUGGESTION is for people who are SINGLE when they enter recovery. Even then it is a SUGGESTION. NOT a RULE. The person in recovery doesn't even have to listen to it if they don't want..
Oftentimes a sponsor is more messed up and from a rougher background than their sponsee. I've had sponsors that were way more messed up than I was with years of AA sobriety under their belts. (yes, I'm taking their inventory)
Then they are told that AA is the only true way to succeed and it works if you work it, sucks if you don't over and over ad infinitum.
Not really encouraging of an ala carte program. And my first AA meeting was in 1995, so I know the program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 23
Thanks for all replies.....
I am not sure about his drinking period..It might be a year too..Accrdng to him since he was a heavy drinker for some months he went into AA. I dont suspect him having relationship with his sponsor. His sponsor is also a guy.. He didnt even say that he is breaking up because of AA's rule. I came across many posts which was similar to his behavior saying that there is a rule in AA not to get into relationship for an year. The thing I cant accept he was mad about the other day and the very next day(probably after getting advice from sponsor) he broke up with me. I didnt even have a hint that he is going to do this..But if he doesnt like me anymore then I will not even care about him.. or if he is struggling with something I cant leave him like that..
Originally Posted by SadHeart
Let me make sure I understand.
He never had a problem with alcohol. Then he suddenly had 2 months of heavy drinking and entered AA and had to go every day. Eight months after entering AA, he meets you and you have the perfect relationship. Then two months later (10 months of AA), he tells you he has to break up with you because there's a rule about no relationships in the first year of AA. You sort of suspect he's having a relationship with the sponsor who told him this. Now he's been in AA for a year but he's not taking your calls or willing to discuss your relationship with him. It seems like he hates you, but you are willing to wait for him to complete his year.
He never had a problem with alcohol. Then he suddenly had 2 months of heavy drinking and entered AA and had to go every day. Eight months after entering AA, he meets you and you have the perfect relationship. Then two months later (10 months of AA), he tells you he has to break up with you because there's a rule about no relationships in the first year of AA. You sort of suspect he's having a relationship with the sponsor who told him this. Now he's been in AA for a year but he's not taking your calls or willing to discuss your relationship with him. It seems like he hates you, but you are willing to wait for him to complete his year.
I am not sure about his drinking period..It might be a year too..Accrdng to him since he was a heavy drinker for some months he went into AA. I dont suspect him having relationship with his sponsor. His sponsor is also a guy.. He didnt even say that he is breaking up because of AA's rule. I came across many posts which was similar to his behavior saying that there is a rule in AA not to get into relationship for an year. The thing I cant accept he was mad about the other day and the very next day(probably after getting advice from sponsor) he broke up with me. I didnt even have a hint that he is going to do this..But if he doesnt like me anymore then I will not even care about him.. or if he is struggling with something I cant leave him like that..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
But if he doesnt like me anymore then I will not even care about him.. or if he is struggling with something I cant leave him like that..
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