Does Alcoholics Anonymous ban relationship? Need help....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
So you met a guy who was in AA and trying to recover. He admits he was a heavy drinker but says he's living 'normally' now (whatever that means).
You dated a couple months, and he went from telling you every day that he loved you to breaking up with you without giving you an adequate explanation. You've been trying to get an adequate explanation from him for the last two or so months, but he won't talk to you and seems to hate you.
So you're grasping for explanations, and one you came up with is that AA might be telling him he shouldn't have a relationship. And you came here for confirmation of your theory. If he's 'got a problem', you will wait for him and be patient and understanding because you love him. If he just doesn't like you any more, you'll move on.
Move on. He's got a problem, although whether it's alcoholism, emotional immaturity, childhood issues, impulsivity, mental illness, whatever, doesn't matter. The real problem is only this: he doesn't want to date you any more. He's not in love with you any more. It's over.
Waiting for someone who doesn't want you to wait, and 'being there' for someone who isn't interested in your support is a waste of your life and efforts. Most relationships whether alcohol is involved or everyone is completely healthy, don't pass the 6 month mark. This is no different.
Rejection hurts terribly, it's hard to move away from, but it has happened to all of us and you just have to let go and move on. Stop contacting him, and stop expecting him to give you answers that will make you feel better. He doesn't have any. And there's no hope for the relationship, however alcohol factors in or not. If it hurts this bad after a couple months of dating, it just isn't meant to be.
Many hugs to you.
You dated a couple months, and he went from telling you every day that he loved you to breaking up with you without giving you an adequate explanation. You've been trying to get an adequate explanation from him for the last two or so months, but he won't talk to you and seems to hate you.
So you're grasping for explanations, and one you came up with is that AA might be telling him he shouldn't have a relationship. And you came here for confirmation of your theory. If he's 'got a problem', you will wait for him and be patient and understanding because you love him. If he just doesn't like you any more, you'll move on.
Move on. He's got a problem, although whether it's alcoholism, emotional immaturity, childhood issues, impulsivity, mental illness, whatever, doesn't matter. The real problem is only this: he doesn't want to date you any more. He's not in love with you any more. It's over.
Waiting for someone who doesn't want you to wait, and 'being there' for someone who isn't interested in your support is a waste of your life and efforts. Most relationships whether alcohol is involved or everyone is completely healthy, don't pass the 6 month mark. This is no different.
Rejection hurts terribly, it's hard to move away from, but it has happened to all of us and you just have to let go and move on. Stop contacting him, and stop expecting him to give you answers that will make you feel better. He doesn't have any. And there's no hope for the relationship, however alcohol factors in or not. If it hurts this bad after a couple months of dating, it just isn't meant to be.
Many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Confusedgirl, what exactly is so confusing? He broke up with you and now doesn't want to talk to you. You can tie yourself up in knots trying to find the reasons but the outcome doesn't change. Take all that energy and focus it back on you and figure out why you are so dead-set on being with someone who has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you.
I'm sorry if this feels harsh. It sounds like you want to blame AA for your ex's behavior, but surely the one thing you learn by reading the posts here is that each one of us is solely responsible for the choices we make. If he wanted to be with you, there is no power on earth that could stop him.
I'm sorry if this feels harsh. It sounds like you want to blame AA for your ex's behavior, but surely the one thing you learn by reading the posts here is that each one of us is solely responsible for the choices we make. If he wanted to be with you, there is no power on earth that could stop him.
No one at AA told him directly to dump you, I guarantee that. I suspect my ex had never even mentioned my existence in his meetings before he decided to dump me. And we were together 5 years, to give you some perspective...
Your A's lack of a "reason" and otherwise terrible and inconsiderate behaviour are more likely the result of his underlying character flaws, (or even persistent symptoms of his disease), rather than anything he learned in AA. Ideally, it should actually be the opposite -- he'd have more integrity, more clarity, better communication. Not less!
So save yourself some trouble and go find a man who doesn't drink.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You know one thing I've learnt is it takes more than a couple of months with someone to decide if it's forever. I've also learnt for me that the best way to do a relationship is One Day At A Time and to take your time.
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
Thanks for your post....... But it really pains if someone whom you thought will be forever with you is not even considering......
But I hope it is for the best!
But I hope it is for the best!Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Recovery is a long, hard process and in early recovery (first six months) we're emotionally volatile. Avoiding relationships in the first year is advice given by some sponsors. The reason is the emotions attached to relationships can result in us drinking again. It's a very good idea to let him go, let him focus on his recovery -- respect his wishes for no contact. Remember, alcoholism is a life/death disease. There is no completion, it's not a course you take. Recovery lasts a lifetime. In early sobriety it's recommend that folks go once per day. I'm sober 21 years and attend at least three meetings per week.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i think you might have to consider that he may have been using AA advice as an excuse to break it off with you...men are fickle sometimes.
I hope you meet someone who appreciates your compassion and don't waste YOUR time waiting for him "feel ready"....it sounds like a fabrication to give him an easy out.
I hope you meet someone who appreciates your compassion and don't waste YOUR time waiting for him "feel ready"....it sounds like a fabrication to give him an easy out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Confusedgirl14
Thanks for your post....... But it really pains if someone whom you thought will be forever with you is not even considering...... But I hope it is for the best!
But I hope it is for the best!And YES. It is for the best! If you're hurting now, imagine what hell you'd be in if he carried on treating you like this, for years on end...
If you're in a good relationship, then you shouldn't have to ask the SoberRecovery forums about it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by soexhausted
If you go down a few posts I just recently posted a thread titled Totally Confused.
You are doing exactly what I have been doing, trying to make sense of a totally irrational mind.
There thoughts and emotions are all over the place. They are trying to fix a broken brain.
That leaves little space and time for us.
We cannot even predict what their next move might be, they have no idea.
All we can do is take care of ourselves.
We can not change their behavior, we can only change our own.
Al Anon has done wonders for me. It took the focus off of her and put it on me.
Where it belongs!
You are doing exactly what I have been doing, trying to make sense of a totally irrational mind.
There thoughts and emotions are all over the place. They are trying to fix a broken brain.
That leaves little space and time for us.
We cannot even predict what their next move might be, they have no idea.
All we can do is take care of ourselves.
We can not change their behavior, we can only change our own.
Al Anon has done wonders for me. It took the focus off of her and put it on me.
Where it belongs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by soexhausted
If you go down a few posts I just recently posted a thread titled Totally Confused.
You are doing exactly what I have been doing, trying to make sense of a totally irrational mind.
There thoughts and emotions are all over the place. They are trying to fix a broken brain.
That leaves little space and time for us.
We cannot even predict what their next move might be, they have no idea.
All we can do is take care of ourselves.
We can not change their behavior, we can only change our own.
Al Anon has done wonders for me. It took the focus off of her and put it on me.
Where it belongs!
You are doing exactly what I have been doing, trying to make sense of a totally irrational mind.
There thoughts and emotions are all over the place. They are trying to fix a broken brain.
That leaves little space and time for us.
We cannot even predict what their next move might be, they have no idea.
All we can do is take care of ourselves.
We can not change their behavior, we can only change our own.
Al Anon has done wonders for me. It took the focus off of her and put it on me.
Where it belongs!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
If I understand your question correctly, the 12th Step is about service (e.g., working with a newcomer, setting meeting chairs or literature out, visiting the sick, etc.), carrying the message of AA to others (sponsees, other members and new alcoholics), and practicing the AA principles in all aspects of an alcoholic's life.
You can go to the Alcoholism Information forum here on SR and there's a sub-forum at the bottom of it called Step Study. Check it for AA 12th Step info. You may want to start a thread there as it may get lost here (OT) and you'll get answers direct from their mouths there.
You can go to the Alcoholism Information forum here on SR and there's a sub-forum at the bottom of it called Step Study. Check it for AA 12th Step info. You may want to start a thread there as it may get lost here (OT) and you'll get answers direct from their mouths there.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
you posted I cant leave him like that
thats the whole point...its not about you...this is HIS RECOVERY...
get over it and move on...be so lucky he did not take you as one of his many HOSTAGES...
READ: Melody Beatties "Codependent no more" and yes...he suggested it...AL ANON...
*taking out the trash again...so much around*
thats the whole point...its not about you...this is HIS RECOVERY...
get over it and move on...be so lucky he did not take you as one of his many HOSTAGES...
READ: Melody Beatties "Codependent no more" and yes...he suggested it...AL ANON...
*taking out the trash again...so much around*
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Frankly, what I've experienced is that the alcoholic in recovery/rehab can lie to whomever and get away with it.
My AH filed for divorce after 3 weeks in rehab, and he obviously hasn't been honest with his mental health professionals. I suspect that he has done one of the following:
1) never told them that he filed.
2) told them that he filed months earlier and the divorce was already long in process and couldn't be stopped/delayed.
3) told them that I filed so he has no choice.
4) some other similar lie that his healthcare professionals have accepted.
According to my AH, he's "following" the Big Book's advice about weeding out the bad things in his life. And, since he blames me for EVERYTHING, I'm the #1 "bad thing." lol...what a joke.
My AH also suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder which (in my opinion) will be the main reason why he'll never truly be in recovery. He's just been too dishonest.
My AH asked our adult son to give him a list of 10 serious flaws that he exhibited as a father. AH told son to email him the list and then they would discuss the list over the phone....and my AH promised not to interupt my son (which would be a MAJOR achievement on my AH's part.) My son complied and wrote out 10 major flaws and each flaw had "bullets" listing real examples. The list was detailed and devastating, but written in a civil fashion. My AH has not responded. He likely read the first couple of lines and flipped out...since he's always been in huge denial about his rages, his immature behavior, etc.
I'm sure when he got to the line of: "My brother and I could never count on you. We really only had one adult parent in the family. We had to rely on mom for responsible mature behavior for stability," my AH probably deleted the email.
Anyway....one problem I have with HIPAA laws is that it allows people like my H to be very dishonest with their healthcare professionals. I understand that a person has a right to keep their diagnoses private, but hospitals and healthcare professionals should be allowed to contact "next of kin" to ask if there's anything they should know that the patient isn't likely telling them. This can be done without revealing diagnoses or telling anything about the patient. It would just be "info gathering." For one thing, my adult children and I could provide insight (and hard proof) that he's been lying to them.
I know for a fact that my H is getting various meds at various pharmacies...likely to prevent "one hand from knowing what's going on with the other hand." Before he went into rehab he "doctor shopped" so that he could get the amount of meds he wanted...Adderall from one, depression meds from another, Rx pain meds from another, sleeping pills from another....none of the doctors knew what the others were prescribing.
I realize that this is "his recovery" and others can't do this for him, but this rehab (with full pay) is VERY expensive and his company is only going to pay for it ONE time...after that, if he's not sober, he'll be dismissed and likely never be able to be employed again (because of his age, health issues, etc). Therefore, there is a LOT on the line right now.
To "pussyfoot" and allow him to lie, blame, etc, while they're collecting large amounts of money (for long-term rehab) is tantamount to malpractice in my eyes. I realize that they are constrained by laws, but the laws need tweaking. And, frankly, employers who are paying for all of this should REQUIRE that their employees include family in treatment so that THEIR money isn't wasted. This is costing my H's company over $100k PLUS his full salary!
My AH filed for divorce after 3 weeks in rehab, and he obviously hasn't been honest with his mental health professionals. I suspect that he has done one of the following:
1) never told them that he filed.
2) told them that he filed months earlier and the divorce was already long in process and couldn't be stopped/delayed.
3) told them that I filed so he has no choice.
4) some other similar lie that his healthcare professionals have accepted.
According to my AH, he's "following" the Big Book's advice about weeding out the bad things in his life. And, since he blames me for EVERYTHING, I'm the #1 "bad thing." lol...what a joke.
My AH also suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder which (in my opinion) will be the main reason why he'll never truly be in recovery. He's just been too dishonest.
My AH asked our adult son to give him a list of 10 serious flaws that he exhibited as a father. AH told son to email him the list and then they would discuss the list over the phone....and my AH promised not to interupt my son (which would be a MAJOR achievement on my AH's part.) My son complied and wrote out 10 major flaws and each flaw had "bullets" listing real examples. The list was detailed and devastating, but written in a civil fashion. My AH has not responded. He likely read the first couple of lines and flipped out...since he's always been in huge denial about his rages, his immature behavior, etc.
I'm sure when he got to the line of: "My brother and I could never count on you. We really only had one adult parent in the family. We had to rely on mom for responsible mature behavior for stability," my AH probably deleted the email.
Anyway....one problem I have with HIPAA laws is that it allows people like my H to be very dishonest with their healthcare professionals. I understand that a person has a right to keep their diagnoses private, but hospitals and healthcare professionals should be allowed to contact "next of kin" to ask if there's anything they should know that the patient isn't likely telling them. This can be done without revealing diagnoses or telling anything about the patient. It would just be "info gathering." For one thing, my adult children and I could provide insight (and hard proof) that he's been lying to them.
I know for a fact that my H is getting various meds at various pharmacies...likely to prevent "one hand from knowing what's going on with the other hand." Before he went into rehab he "doctor shopped" so that he could get the amount of meds he wanted...Adderall from one, depression meds from another, Rx pain meds from another, sleeping pills from another....none of the doctors knew what the others were prescribing.
I realize that this is "his recovery" and others can't do this for him, but this rehab (with full pay) is VERY expensive and his company is only going to pay for it ONE time...after that, if he's not sober, he'll be dismissed and likely never be able to be employed again (because of his age, health issues, etc). Therefore, there is a LOT on the line right now.
To "pussyfoot" and allow him to lie, blame, etc, while they're collecting large amounts of money (for long-term rehab) is tantamount to malpractice in my eyes. I realize that they are constrained by laws, but the laws need tweaking. And, frankly, employers who are paying for all of this should REQUIRE that their employees include family in treatment so that THEIR money isn't wasted. This is costing my H's company over $100k PLUS his full salary!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So how long the AA person has to wait before getting into relationship again..? Even when I tried to talk he is not happy to speak to me.
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