Great boyfriend but so inconsiderate....recovering alcholic.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
Great boyfriend but so inconsiderate....recovering alcholic.....
Currently I am dating my best friend of ten years....we have been a couple now for almost 2 years. He was sober for 7 months prior to us dating. He is a wonderful man. Now that we are a couple, things are obviously different.
He is so inconsiderate of my feelings, and has no idea how a family does for each other. I am trying to be patient, as he said he has to learn how to do these things......he drank from a very young age.
Is there any thing I can do to help him learn?
When he doesn't even consider my feelings over certain things that others would blow up at, I think what did I get myself into......
I have been to al-anon, & just can't get into it
I read all the books I can about recovery, so I can see what he may be up against.
Needed to hear from someone who has been in my shoes........
Thanks
He is so inconsiderate of my feelings, and has no idea how a family does for each other. I am trying to be patient, as he said he has to learn how to do these things......he drank from a very young age.
Is there any thing I can do to help him learn?
When he doesn't even consider my feelings over certain things that others would blow up at, I think what did I get myself into......
I have been to al-anon, & just can't get into it
I read all the books I can about recovery, so I can see what he may be up against.
Needed to hear from someone who has been in my shoes........
Thanks
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hey there, the other, smarter folks will be along soon to welcome and help you.
Me, personally, these are red flags:
Nothing changed for me until I put my focus onto myself.
You can't help this man. It's up to him. He's an adult, isn't he?
And if you're reading books about recovery, are they for him or yourself?
I had a hard time with al-anon too, for many reasons, but seriously if I hadn't found this place and been able to start worrying about MYSELF I'd probably be dead right now.
Good luck!
Me, personally, these are red flags:
Is there any thing I can do to help him learn?
I have been to al-anon, & just can't get into it
I read all the books I can about recovery, so I can see what he may be up against.
I have been to al-anon, & just can't get into it
I read all the books I can about recovery, so I can see what he may be up against.
You can't help this man. It's up to him. He's an adult, isn't he?
And if you're reading books about recovery, are they for him or yourself?
I had a hard time with al-anon too, for many reasons, but seriously if I hadn't found this place and been able to start worrying about MYSELF I'd probably be dead right now.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi and welcome to SR. Please keep reading this forum - don't get discouraged by what you'll come across - but do keep reading.
Your thread title caught my eye because of the contradictory nature of it. He's a great boyfriend but so inconsiderate? How can a person be great if they are inconsiderate of you as a person? I don't understand your logic on that one.
And from what little you wrote here, it doesn't sound like he is ready, mature, nor capable enough to be in a relationship the way you want it to be. You may simply be looking at a man who can't give you what you need. Or he may just need some more time and recovery tools in his toolbox before he can be "considerate" of another person.
Alcoholism is a very self centered disease. If he has never had to learn consideration, he simply doesn't know how to be considerate. Can you accept that? Accept who he is today? You aren't gonna be the one to "teach" him to be considerate or you wouldn't be here posting this.
So the choice becomes yours to make.
Take good care, and keep coming back!
~T
Your thread title caught my eye because of the contradictory nature of it. He's a great boyfriend but so inconsiderate? How can a person be great if they are inconsiderate of you as a person? I don't understand your logic on that one.
And from what little you wrote here, it doesn't sound like he is ready, mature, nor capable enough to be in a relationship the way you want it to be. You may simply be looking at a man who can't give you what you need. Or he may just need some more time and recovery tools in his toolbox before he can be "considerate" of another person.
Alcoholism is a very self centered disease. If he has never had to learn consideration, he simply doesn't know how to be considerate. Can you accept that? Accept who he is today? You aren't gonna be the one to "teach" him to be considerate or you wouldn't be here posting this.
So the choice becomes yours to make.
Take good care, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
I know he is an adult, and he has done and is still doing his steps.
He is committed to his recovery, and for that I am thankful.
I read his books, to try to learn what he is going through.
I have never had a problem with drinking, so I don't know what it is like.
I am a big I can't know what he deals with on a daily basis, because i have never walked in his shoes.
He is committed to his recovery, and for that I am thankful.
I read his books, to try to learn what he is going through.
I have never had a problem with drinking, so I don't know what it is like.
I am a big I can't know what he deals with on a daily basis, because i have never walked in his shoes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
He is telling you the truth. He actually does have to learn how to do "those things." He has to learn how to think about the other person, to sacrifice at times for the other person, and to work things through with the other person instead of running away.
If he is sober and is working a program and you want to remain with him, it will be best if you accept that he will disappoint you at times--perhaps many times--as he learns to live life sober as well as be an equal partner in a relationship.
Doing the math, it sounds as if he has been sober about two and a half years. The first year was a fog. The second year he was getting to know himself sober and adjusting to feeling his feelings. And now he is challenged by relating equally and responsibly with a woman.
The issue is not so much that he will stumble or disappoint in this relating--both are to be expected.
What is really vital is how he handles himself when you express your basic needs or when you need to discuss with him any problem.
We all have problems relating. Codependents in recovery can be at times as frustrating as addicts in recovery, when building a relationship and communicating. And there are also basic differences between men and women in relating.
What matters is how we handle these challenges. Do we listen. Do we examine our part. Are we open to seeing the other's point of view. Are we willing to change our old reactions and assumptions.
Or do we just blame. Blow up. And run.
I hope both you and your partner will be able to step up and both be willing to learn how to be a healthy couple. If both are willing to grow and willing to communicate, then you might make it. It will take real commitment from both of you and patience and time.
If he is sober and is working a program and you want to remain with him, it will be best if you accept that he will disappoint you at times--perhaps many times--as he learns to live life sober as well as be an equal partner in a relationship.
Doing the math, it sounds as if he has been sober about two and a half years. The first year was a fog. The second year he was getting to know himself sober and adjusting to feeling his feelings. And now he is challenged by relating equally and responsibly with a woman.
The issue is not so much that he will stumble or disappoint in this relating--both are to be expected.
What is really vital is how he handles himself when you express your basic needs or when you need to discuss with him any problem.
We all have problems relating. Codependents in recovery can be at times as frustrating as addicts in recovery, when building a relationship and communicating. And there are also basic differences between men and women in relating.
What matters is how we handle these challenges. Do we listen. Do we examine our part. Are we open to seeing the other's point of view. Are we willing to change our old reactions and assumptions.
Or do we just blame. Blow up. And run.
I hope both you and your partner will be able to step up and both be willing to learn how to be a healthy couple. If both are willing to grow and willing to communicate, then you might make it. It will take real commitment from both of you and patience and time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Jakesgirl
It sounds a bit like you are focusing on his recovery, and his recovery alone - reading his books, etc. Maybe you attended Al Anon with his recovery in mind also, which really is not what Al Anon is about. If you continue to read here, you will start to see that the only recovery you can help with is your own. His recovery is just that, his recovery. He has to do it at his pace and nothing you can do can help him with this. Yes, it is a good idea to educate yourself about alcoholism - I have found this to be a big help in truly appreciating that I cannot do anything for my AH other than support him if he decides to help himself, which he never has.
Turn the focus on yourself for a while - you might like it ;-) Think about what you want and what you are willing to accept for you.
Hope some of this helps
Adventure
It sounds a bit like you are focusing on his recovery, and his recovery alone - reading his books, etc. Maybe you attended Al Anon with his recovery in mind also, which really is not what Al Anon is about. If you continue to read here, you will start to see that the only recovery you can help with is your own. His recovery is just that, his recovery. He has to do it at his pace and nothing you can do can help him with this. Yes, it is a good idea to educate yourself about alcoholism - I have found this to be a big help in truly appreciating that I cannot do anything for my AH other than support him if he decides to help himself, which he never has.
Turn the focus on yourself for a while - you might like it ;-) Think about what you want and what you are willing to accept for you.
Hope some of this helps
Adventure
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Hi Jakesgirl,
Be careful of falling in love with what you want him to be, instead of what he actually is. Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable to fulfill our needs. Expectations are premeditated resentments when it comes to alcoholics. My alcoholic husband is only considerate of his own need for alcohol. Being an alcoholic, he is also in denial that anything he does has an effect on anyone else. Anything I say about him being inconsiderate only makes him resentful as he sees it as an interference with him happily drinking. The older he gets, the more thoughtless he is, in part to the alcoholic brain fog. My husband is a closet alcoholic. No one ever sees him drink. I didn't know he drank until I had been married to him 8 years and living him with him for 12 years, and I dated him for 4 years before that. His life revolves around sneaking to drink. He too was "a wonderful man" for a while, but alcohol makes him inconsiderate, and over this...he has no control. No one here will tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I myself wouldn't put myself through this ever again. Life is too short to volunteer for this misery.
Be careful of falling in love with what you want him to be, instead of what he actually is. Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable to fulfill our needs. Expectations are premeditated resentments when it comes to alcoholics. My alcoholic husband is only considerate of his own need for alcohol. Being an alcoholic, he is also in denial that anything he does has an effect on anyone else. Anything I say about him being inconsiderate only makes him resentful as he sees it as an interference with him happily drinking. The older he gets, the more thoughtless he is, in part to the alcoholic brain fog. My husband is a closet alcoholic. No one ever sees him drink. I didn't know he drank until I had been married to him 8 years and living him with him for 12 years, and I dated him for 4 years before that. His life revolves around sneaking to drink. He too was "a wonderful man" for a while, but alcohol makes him inconsiderate, and over this...he has no control. No one here will tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I myself wouldn't put myself through this ever again. Life is too short to volunteer for this misery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"Be careful of falling in love with what you want him to be, instead of what he actually is. Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable to fulfill our needs. "
Very well said, Itsachoice.
Jakesgirl, I am be sensitive in my post, but this guy doesn't sound wonderful at all. If he needs more time to work on his recovery, perhaps you should take a step back and allow him to do just that.
What you see is what you get. There is no guarantee that he is going to wake up and EVER be considerate. This maybe actually who he is. How much of you are you willing to invest?
Please take the time to read the stickies, you will find a wealth of information at your fingertips.
Recovery is a life long commitment, and honestly the success rate is not something I would be willing to invest the rest of my life on.
Keep posting and reading, my friend.
Very well said, Itsachoice.
Jakesgirl, I am be sensitive in my post, but this guy doesn't sound wonderful at all. If he needs more time to work on his recovery, perhaps you should take a step back and allow him to do just that.
What you see is what you get. There is no guarantee that he is going to wake up and EVER be considerate. This maybe actually who he is. How much of you are you willing to invest?
Please take the time to read the stickies, you will find a wealth of information at your fingertips.
Recovery is a life long commitment, and honestly the success rate is not something I would be willing to invest the rest of my life on.
Keep posting and reading, my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
I appreciate all of what you have said.
It is true I read the books to gain knowledge on a subject I knew nothing about.
When I began reading them we were only friends....I had tried to get him to go into a program for years. I always got "when I am ready" when he made the choice to become sober I was his biggest supporter.
I have seen him in other relationships, all of which when he was drinking.
He was good to them, however he lacked respect of his partner.
That is one thing I have always had, his respect.
He has been in love with me for years & I with him, I would not take the next step with him because of his drinking.
That is something I knew I could not handle.
He is a caring loving and respectful person.
All relationships are work
It's true he is learning what a family is all about.
I was looking for things that may have helped people with their recovery
I thankfully can say that I make time for me, and do things for me.
He understand that he will never be first in my "peeking order", heck he understands he is not even 2nd or 3rd.
It is true I read the books to gain knowledge on a subject I knew nothing about.
When I began reading them we were only friends....I had tried to get him to go into a program for years. I always got "when I am ready" when he made the choice to become sober I was his biggest supporter.
I have seen him in other relationships, all of which when he was drinking.
He was good to them, however he lacked respect of his partner.
That is one thing I have always had, his respect.
He has been in love with me for years & I with him, I would not take the next step with him because of his drinking.
That is something I knew I could not handle.
He is a caring loving and respectful person.
All relationships are work
It's true he is learning what a family is all about.
I was looking for things that may have helped people with their recovery
I thankfully can say that I make time for me, and do things for me.
He understand that he will never be first in my "peeking order", heck he understands he is not even 2nd or 3rd.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
He might not know but is he willing to learn? Tell him out right what you want/need/feel and watch what he does about it.
It is one thing to react poorly to your needs if he really doesn't know what they are because he never learned anything about interpersonal relationships/family. It is another to be told and ignore it. It is also another thing if he makes no attempts at learning.
I guess what I mean is that if he is making no gains or attempts at becoming more considerate or thoughtful - then he is all talk and no action. Listen to the actions, and not the words. That is in the top three things I've learned in my recovery. If the world went silent and you just watched and felt people - you'd know who they really are.
As a very very basic example lets say you wanted him to open your car door. You tell him you feel xyz when he fails to get your door for you. He says sorry. The next time he remembers after the fact and apologizes to you. The next time he remembers! That is someone that is being attentive and wants to learn. If 2 months later he still fails to open the door and looks at you and says "Oh, that is just me. I didn't learn that stuff as a kid." Well that is bs. He's just yammering to get himself off the hook and your thoughts and feelings are not really entering into his equation.
It is one thing to react poorly to your needs if he really doesn't know what they are because he never learned anything about interpersonal relationships/family. It is another to be told and ignore it. It is also another thing if he makes no attempts at learning.
I guess what I mean is that if he is making no gains or attempts at becoming more considerate or thoughtful - then he is all talk and no action. Listen to the actions, and not the words. That is in the top three things I've learned in my recovery. If the world went silent and you just watched and felt people - you'd know who they really are.
As a very very basic example lets say you wanted him to open your car door. You tell him you feel xyz when he fails to get your door for you. He says sorry. The next time he remembers after the fact and apologizes to you. The next time he remembers! That is someone that is being attentive and wants to learn. If 2 months later he still fails to open the door and looks at you and says "Oh, that is just me. I didn't learn that stuff as a kid." Well that is bs. He's just yammering to get himself off the hook and your thoughts and feelings are not really entering into his equation.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi Jakesgirl,
In you first post you write, "He is inconsiderate of my feelings" and in your last post you write, "That is one thing I have always had, his respect."
Not really sure I would agree that someone can be respectful when he is inconsiderate of your feelings. I don't think this is what you want to hear. And you mention that while he was good to past girlfriends, he didn't respect them. It seems to be a recurring theme. I don't know how someone can learn respect, since it is the result of many other emotions and thinking that proceed it.
In you first post you write, "He is inconsiderate of my feelings" and in your last post you write, "That is one thing I have always had, his respect."
Not really sure I would agree that someone can be respectful when he is inconsiderate of your feelings. I don't think this is what you want to hear. And you mention that while he was good to past girlfriends, he didn't respect them. It seems to be a recurring theme. I don't know how someone can learn respect, since it is the result of many other emotions and thinking that proceed it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
He has always been respectful of what I do in my life.
He has never questioned my reasoning for my marriage, divorce or having a child and has always stood by me even tho at times I myself know things were wrong.
He is inconsiderate of my feelings about certain issues.
There is a huge difference for me, as he has always respect my decisions.
You don't have to be considerate of feelings
He has never questioned my reasoning for my marriage, divorce or having a child and has always stood by me even tho at times I myself know things were wrong.
He is inconsiderate of my feelings about certain issues.
There is a huge difference for me, as he has always respect my decisions.
You don't have to be considerate of feelings
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
he was sober 7 months prior to you dating and its been 2 years, so thats telling me hes been sober for over 1 1/2 years and i am gonna assume it is AA that it is the 12 steps of AA you are referring to.
so, with that said, the best suggestion is to not let him treat you like a doormat.
when he starts acting like a dry drunk, tell him to call his sponsor.
recovering alcoholic here who busted his arse off to not be who i was and have been in his shoes.
once again, tell him to call his sponsor when he's an arse and walk away.
so, with that said, the best suggestion is to not let him treat you like a doormat.
when he starts acting like a dry drunk, tell him to call his sponsor.
recovering alcoholic here who busted his arse off to not be who i was and have been in his shoes.
once again, tell him to call his sponsor when he's an arse and walk away.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please read your original post and then reconsider what exactly it is that makes a boyfriend "great." Your definition of "great" is not even remotely related to what "great" actually means.
Consider investigating with a therapist or in Alanon why your standards of "great" are so very, very low.
Cyranoak
Consider investigating with a therapist or in Alanon why your standards of "great" are so very, very low.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Maybe, maybe not...
..."everyone's" definition of "rude" is different.
Great [greyt] Show IPA adjective, great·er, great·est, adverb, noun, plural greats, ( especially collectively ) great, interjection, adjective
1. unusually or comparatively large in size or dimensions: A great fire destroyed nearly half the city.
2. large in number; numerous: Great hordes of tourists descend on Europe each summer.
3. unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity, etc.: great pain.
4. wonderful; first-rate; very good: We had a great time. That's great!
5. being such in an extreme or notable degree: great friends; a great talker.
Rude [rood] adjective, rud·er, rud·est.
1. discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way: a rude reply.
2. without culture, learning, or refinement: rude, illiterate peasants.
3. rough in manners or behavior; unmannerly; uncouth.
4. rough, harsh, or ungentle: rude hands.
5. roughly wrought, built, or formed; of a crude construction or kind: a rude cottage.
Great [greyt] Show IPA adjective, great·er, great·est, adverb, noun, plural greats, ( especially collectively ) great, interjection, adjective
1. unusually or comparatively large in size or dimensions: A great fire destroyed nearly half the city.
2. large in number; numerous: Great hordes of tourists descend on Europe each summer.
3. unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity, etc.: great pain.
4. wonderful; first-rate; very good: We had a great time. That's great!
5. being such in an extreme or notable degree: great friends; a great talker.
Rude [rood] adjective, rud·er, rud·est.
1. discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way: a rude reply.
2. without culture, learning, or refinement: rude, illiterate peasants.
3. rough in manners or behavior; unmannerly; uncouth.
4. rough, harsh, or ungentle: rude hands.
5. roughly wrought, built, or formed; of a crude construction or kind: a rude cottage.
Originally Posted by jakesgirl1120 
Cyranoak you are very rude
everyone's definition of great is different.
everyone's definition of great is different.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
jakesgirl,
I know it is hard to first to have strangers point out the dissonance in our thinking. I struggled with it when I first came to this forum and at the first handful of meetings in Al-Anon. No one means you any harm, so please don't get offended by the responses you receive. Take them with a grain of salt; use what works for you and leave the rest.
If you think this guy is great - than that's great! But something is bothering you or you wouldn't have posted here looking for answers/support. What is it exactly that is the problem? Maybe if we had some clarity, we could be more supportive without coming across as being "rude".
I know it is hard to first to have strangers point out the dissonance in our thinking. I struggled with it when I first came to this forum and at the first handful of meetings in Al-Anon. No one means you any harm, so please don't get offended by the responses you receive. Take them with a grain of salt; use what works for you and leave the rest.
If you think this guy is great - than that's great! But something is bothering you or you wouldn't have posted here looking for answers/support. What is it exactly that is the problem? Maybe if we had some clarity, we could be more supportive without coming across as being "rude".
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