Great boyfriend but so inconsiderate....recovering alcholic.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
you don't put someone down by saying that they have low self esteem because of what I feel is great, is not what you think is great.
I thought this was supposed to be a positive place
but starting to think differently with negative comments
I thought this was supposed to be a positive place
but starting to think differently with negative comments
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
This quote sums up my relationship with an alcoholic.
"The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"
Think about it girl. Are you taking time to educate yourself about addiction? We are here to support you, and we are always willing to share our life experience. Sorry that responses may not always be pleasant, and that is because there is absolutely nothing pleasant about living with addiction.
peace.
"The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"
Think about it girl. Are you taking time to educate yourself about addiction? We are here to support you, and we are always willing to share our life experience. Sorry that responses may not always be pleasant, and that is because there is absolutely nothing pleasant about living with addiction.
peace.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
jakesgirl, I was going to say the same thing as Tuffgirl, that is, take whatever you read here, or whatever ANYONE tells you, with a grain of salt. If it disagrees with your thinking or it hurts you, ignore it. NO ONE can tell you whether or not you have low self-esteem, or any other personal characteristic. That is called "taking someone else's inventory." NO ONE has the right to take your inventory for you. Your feelings are important here. Please do not be discouraged by ONE post that is bothering you. You can block a person if you do not like what they post. (((hugs))) We are here to listen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
I have read books about addition. I have even read the big book. When he went away to rehab I visited two times even tho it was over a 6.5 hour drive. I have attended meetings that were important to him...the first time he spoke, his first meeting home, and several others. Sometimes he did not even know I went until after.
I refuse to be ignorant to something that effects my life and my families life.
I will be supportive in what ever way possible to whomever is in my life
Sometimes people need to realize that everyday is a gift
Being healthy alive and having your family are great
It may seem small & not great to some
but I know more then one person that wished they had my version of great!
I refuse to be ignorant to something that effects my life and my families life.
I will be supportive in what ever way possible to whomever is in my life
Sometimes people need to realize that everyday is a gift
Being healthy alive and having your family are great
It may seem small & not great to some
but I know more then one person that wished they had my version of great!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
So can I ask again - what brought you here for ES&H?
It sounds as if you are in fact happy with this relationship and making sure you understand the addictions lifestyle (even in sobriety, I believe this is a lifestyle that requires knowledge before one jumps into it)
What exactly is it that is concerning you enough to bring it here? We are all generalizing at the moment, and it doesn't seem to be helping you at all.
It sounds as if you are in fact happy with this relationship and making sure you understand the addictions lifestyle (even in sobriety, I believe this is a lifestyle that requires knowledge before one jumps into it)
What exactly is it that is concerning you enough to bring it here? We are all generalizing at the moment, and it doesn't seem to be helping you at all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by jakesgirl1120 
He has always been respectful of what I do in my life.
He has never questioned my reasoning for my marriage, divorce or having a child and has always stood by me even tho at times I myself know things were wrong.
He has never questioned my reasoning for my marriage, divorce or having a child and has always stood by me even tho at times I myself know things were wrong.
Well, at the risk of sounding blunt, it's no one's business but your own why you chose to marry, divorce, or have a child. I don't look for anyone's approval with regard to these issues in my life. It is a given that someone you're dating accepts your decisions in these regard, because it's your life, not their's.
Be careful of thinking that "givens" in a relationship are actually "good points". They are not. They are not the icing on the cake, they are the cake itself. Givens are: being treated really well, with kindness and sensitivity. Being a big priority in your partner's life. Being listened to and having your needs met pretty consistently. Mutual respect and interdependence.
Icing on the cake might be: he's rich! He's a superstar lover! But the icing has nothing to hold it up without the reliable cake.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My AXBF used to be so considerate of me it was ridiculous. Then, when he relapsed, he became a selfish a$$hole. When he was sober, he was the greatest BF in the world. But once he started using again, well, that great guy was GONE.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
What brought me here is to learn more,
and try to understand some things better.
I am trying to generalize without getting too specific, partly in fear of being torn apart on here.
I would like him to be considerate of feelings, however just like him becoming sober I can not make him so truely he doesn't have to
Now do I like that he doesn't have to no....but it is something I except for now
I am here to make life better and try to understand more
like i said I have my health, family and friends and I woke up today that is great
I am not saying I do not have problems, but in the scheme of the big picture this are small compared to others.
I guess I count my blessings.
and try to understand some things better.
I am trying to generalize without getting too specific, partly in fear of being torn apart on here.
I would like him to be considerate of feelings, however just like him becoming sober I can not make him so truely he doesn't have to
Now do I like that he doesn't have to no....but it is something I except for now
I am here to make life better and try to understand more
like i said I have my health, family and friends and I woke up today that is great
I am not saying I do not have problems, but in the scheme of the big picture this are small compared to others.
I guess I count my blessings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
It may be my life, however he always was the one there when it fell apart.
He would be there in a moments notice if I needed him.
I didn't look to anyone when I made my choices except me.
I understand icing on the cake.
As you said the other givens.....some he has and some he is learning
He drank for over 25 years, he doesn't know what certain things are
he is learning with his recovery.
I don't feel like I am giving in, rather putting the effort into our relationship
If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out
but he will know what it is to have had a family who loves cares and is supportive of him
He would be there in a moments notice if I needed him.
I didn't look to anyone when I made my choices except me.
I understand icing on the cake.
As you said the other givens.....some he has and some he is learning
He drank for over 25 years, he doesn't know what certain things are
he is learning with his recovery.
I don't feel like I am giving in, rather putting the effort into our relationship
If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out
but he will know what it is to have had a family who loves cares and is supportive of him
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Maybe this is the right place for you, maybe not. I hope so. Please take some time to read the stickies at the top. I understand you are afraid to be "torn up," certainly some of the posters can hammer hard on folks, when that's not what we're suppose to do here.
Hopefully a mod will come by and help. We're suppose to post what worked for US. This is from one of the stickies up top.
In the meantime, we're hear, we're listening and we really do have tons of experience in this arena. Hope you stay and read more and find the answers you're looking for.
This stuff is hard!
Attention FFA Members - Please Read
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
Hopefully a mod will come by and help. We're suppose to post what worked for US. This is from one of the stickies up top.
In the meantime, we're hear, we're listening and we really do have tons of experience in this arena. Hope you stay and read more and find the answers you're looking for.
This stuff is hard!
Attention FFA Members - Please Read
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I'm still not clear on what you need from us.
Here we learn how to take care of ourselves. We learn boundaries. We learn self value and importance. We learn to detach from the A in our lives and to be okay with being who we are.
Is that what you wish to learn here? Are you here to learn how to take care of *you* or *him*???
And we are definitely *not* here to bash or judge. With *my* horrible track record when it comes to love, I wouldn't dare. Just really want to know how we can help you.
Love and Light,
Lily
Here we learn how to take care of ourselves. We learn boundaries. We learn self value and importance. We learn to detach from the A in our lives and to be okay with being who we are.
Is that what you wish to learn here? Are you here to learn how to take care of *you* or *him*???
And we are definitely *not* here to bash or judge. With *my* horrible track record when it comes to love, I wouldn't dare. Just really want to know how we can help you.
Love and Light,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
I am here to learn if certain things like consideration do ever come to a person in recovery
because if not I need to do what is best for me.
In the one post I did see I have to be bluntly honest with him tell him I want it and then be ok for dissapointments, that is both learning for him and I
I am here for me.
because if not I need to do what is best for me.
In the one post I did see I have to be bluntly honest with him tell him I want it and then be ok for dissapointments, that is both learning for him and I
I am here for me.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I am glad to hear that you are here for you.
Dating a recovering alcoholic or addict is extremely hard. There is really no telling whether or not he will become more considerate. He has a lot going on. I forgot how long you mentioned he was clean.
The best thing you can do is know your boundaries and deal breakers and stick to them. At least that is what *I* do. I'm currently single and not interested in dating right now, but when I do date again I will apply these principles:
1. I will pay attention to actions in addition to words. I will not excuse away actions that hurt or trouble me.
2. I will not let him excuse away actions that hurt or trouble me. It is okay if he truly fails to understand what hurt me, but once I explain myself that is it. And evening he doesn't understand, my feelings are not to be dismissed as if they are unimportant.
3. I will date someone who matches me. I'm a responsible, well put together person. I deserve someone who brings that to the table. I'm tired of dating people who don't make sense. For example, the last young man who tried to date me had 2 daughters and no job. Not to judge him or put him down, but having 2 kids and no job seems irresponsible to me. I have no kids and I work my butt off. I want to be with someone who has my work ethic.
That is just for starters and I think it's relevant to the topic. I'm still working on it. I have a long way to go, but I promise myself to not enter ther dating rink until I figure out who I am and what I really want out of a relationship.
Maybe it will be helpful for you to revisit that topic. Who are you and what do you really want out of a relationship. Relationships do require work, but in my humble opinion the level of work required in dealing with someone new to recovery is chaotic. It is very hard and demanding.
I sincerely wish you the best and I hope I helped you somehow.
Love,
Lily
Dating a recovering alcoholic or addict is extremely hard. There is really no telling whether or not he will become more considerate. He has a lot going on. I forgot how long you mentioned he was clean.
The best thing you can do is know your boundaries and deal breakers and stick to them. At least that is what *I* do. I'm currently single and not interested in dating right now, but when I do date again I will apply these principles:
1. I will pay attention to actions in addition to words. I will not excuse away actions that hurt or trouble me.
2. I will not let him excuse away actions that hurt or trouble me. It is okay if he truly fails to understand what hurt me, but once I explain myself that is it. And evening he doesn't understand, my feelings are not to be dismissed as if they are unimportant.
3. I will date someone who matches me. I'm a responsible, well put together person. I deserve someone who brings that to the table. I'm tired of dating people who don't make sense. For example, the last young man who tried to date me had 2 daughters and no job. Not to judge him or put him down, but having 2 kids and no job seems irresponsible to me. I have no kids and I work my butt off. I want to be with someone who has my work ethic.
That is just for starters and I think it's relevant to the topic. I'm still working on it. I have a long way to go, but I promise myself to not enter ther dating rink until I figure out who I am and what I really want out of a relationship.
Maybe it will be helpful for you to revisit that topic. Who are you and what do you really want out of a relationship. Relationships do require work, but in my humble opinion the level of work required in dealing with someone new to recovery is chaotic. It is very hard and demanding.
I sincerely wish you the best and I hope I helped you somehow.
Love,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 16
Dating a recovering alcoholic or addict is extremely hard.
While I knew dating him would present it's issues, I never realized how many there would be. The consideration has been a major one, and I didn't know if I was being to hard on him because I have standards for me and the person I am with.
I would never settle for someone who did not have goals, and they were in the same direction as mine.
He once asked why did you wait til after I was sober to date me.....this answer may sound mean, but I said because your goal was your next drink when you were not sober
While I knew dating him would present it's issues, I never realized how many there would be. The consideration has been a major one, and I didn't know if I was being to hard on him because I have standards for me and the person I am with.
I would never settle for someone who did not have goals, and they were in the same direction as mine.
He once asked why did you wait til after I was sober to date me.....this answer may sound mean, but I said because your goal was your next drink when you were not sober
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by changeschoices
Be careful of thinking that "givens" in a relationship are actually "good points". They are not. They are not the icing on the cake, they are the cake itself. Givens are: being treated really well, with kindness and sensitivity. Being a big priority in your partner's life. Being listened to and having your needs met pretty consistently. Mutual respect and interdependence.
Icing on the cake might be: he's rich! He's a superstar lover! But the icing has nothing to hold it up without the reliable cake.
Icing on the cake might be: he's rich! He's a superstar lover! But the icing has nothing to hold it up without the reliable cake.
Originally Posted by jakesgirl1120
What brought me here is to learn more,
and try to understand some things better.
and try to understand some things better.
I would like him to be considerate of feelings, however just like him becoming sober I can not make him so truely he doesn't have to
Now do I like that he doesn't have to no....but it is something I except for now. I am here to make life better and try to understand more
Now do I like that he doesn't have to no....but it is something I except for now. I am here to make life better and try to understand more
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by jakesgirl1120
Dating a recovering alcoholic or addict is extremely hard.
While I knew dating him would present it's issues, I never realized how many there would be. The consideration has been a major one, and I didn't know if I was being to hard on him because I have standards for me and the person I am with.
I would never settle for someone who did not have goals, and they were in the same direction as mine.
He once asked why did you wait til after I was sober to date me.....this answer may sound mean, but I said because your goal was your next drink when you were not sober
While I knew dating him would present it's issues, I never realized how many there would be. The consideration has been a major one, and I didn't know if I was being to hard on him because I have standards for me and the person I am with.
I would never settle for someone who did not have goals, and they were in the same direction as mine.
He once asked why did you wait til after I was sober to date me.....this answer may sound mean, but I said because your goal was your next drink when you were not sober
There is nothing wrong or mean about having standards. I expect consideration, respect, and maturity. I didn't get that from my husband, we are divorcing. But it was 5 long years before I finally stood firm on my boundaries, because it took me that long to feel comfortable with saying I have these standards and expectations and can't settle for less. I don't know why it is so hard for some of us to set standards on how we expect to be treated!
He's been a long time drinker. He is having to learn new ways of thinking and coping with life and relearn his entire life's worth of stinkin thinkin. If you want this relationship to be successful, you are going to need a lot of patience and tolerance and detachment. It can be done though, if you are willing to accept this is where he is right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by jakesgirl1120
Dating a recovering alcoholic or addict is extremely hard.
While I knew dating him would present it's issues, I never realized how many there would be. The consideration has been a major one, and I didn't know if I was being to hard on him because I have standards for me and the person I am with.
I would never settle for someone who did not have goals, and they were in the same direction as mine.
He once asked why did you wait til after I was sober to date me.....this answer may sound mean, but I said because your goal was your next drink when you were not sober
While I knew dating him would present it's issues, I never realized how many there would be. The consideration has been a major one, and I didn't know if I was being to hard on him because I have standards for me and the person I am with.
I would never settle for someone who did not have goals, and they were in the same direction as mine.
He once asked why did you wait til after I was sober to date me.....this answer may sound mean, but I said because your goal was your next drink when you were not sober
If I could just go back and change that one thing about myself before I married my ex. My ex was not, and really is not, a bad man. He has good qualities. I married him, not because he was a jerk, but because of those qualities. But I changed my standards to fit the person and it was a slippery slope, it did not end well, and ultimately it it was an extremely unkind and damaging thing to do to both of us.
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