Adives on how to have a conversation

Old 07-05-2012, 09:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
enodm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Adives on how to have a conversation

I need to have the conversation we all have probably had over and over with my AH.
I have NO desire to be around him if he is drinking. I find that when he is drinking, I have this over whelming feeling of disgust, hate and cant stand him.
Any time we have any conversation about drinking, he always gets defensive, its the same conversation over and over and Im so over having the conversations. I typically ignorwe the drunk him the best I can, but am finding that I am starting to have anxiety attacks while trying to ignore him. So I go inside and remove myself from the situation. TEMPORARILY, or until the next time.
I married him as a drinker, which is what he says and that's a fair statement, but I want nothing to do with him when he's drinking. He will aslo say, what it's ok for you to have a beer, but not me? I have one beer, he has an 18 pack. Anyways, any adice on how to have this conversation in a constructive way would be helpful!!
enodm is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:34 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by enodm View Post
I need to have the conversation we all have probably had over and over with my AH.
I have NO desire to be around him if he is drinking. I find that when he is drinking, I have this over whelming feeling of disgust, hate and cant stand him. Any time we have any conversation about drinking, he always gets defensive, its the same conversation over and over and Im so over having the conversations. I typically ignorwe the drunk him the best I can, but am finding that I am starting to have anxiety attacks while trying to ignore him. So I go inside and remove myself from the situation. TEMPORARILY, or until the next time.
I married him as a drinker, which is what he says and that's a fair statement, but I want nothing to do with him when he's drinking. He will aslo say, what it's ok for you to have a beer, but not me? I have one beer, he has an 18 pack. Anyways, any adice on how to have this conversation in a constructive way would be helpful!!

The information highlighted is something I am very familiar with. So sorry you are dealing with this.

My suggestions to you are read upon anything you can get your hands on about this disease, so you will feel more informed when it is time for you to make decisions. Unfortunately,alcoholism is a family disease, and I was being impacted in many more ways than I realized. In my experience, it has never been helpful to have serious conversations with an active alcoholic. the end result always hurt me or confused me more. I found that living with active alcoholism is often very similar to living in a war zone. and I personally would not go to a war zone exposed and without my protective gear. Attend support groups if you can and get educated. Most importantly, never ignore your gut feelings.
baileyboop is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Your boundary is not being around him when he is drinking. Sounds good.

Another conversation with him about it will not get you anywhere. He is not going to do anything different. IME it is simply not possible to have a constructive conversation with an alcoholic about their drinking. It just won't happen and having it a thousand times with slightly different angles doesn't change that. Stop talking, start doing. What can you do to protect that boundary? There are quite a few ways to address that but talking to him or depending on him to follow through on some course of action himself are not among them.
Thumper is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 09:57 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
LuvsTaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OK
Posts: 26
I too need to have that conversation. I am truly in the same boat as you. My AH has an 18 pack per day, every day, and has for the past 17 years that I know of. Part of me now wants to know "why isn't he deathly ill?". But it is starting to take a toll on him, he's becoming more and more paranoid, big belly, hands shake, etc...

I have known I need to have "the conversation" for about a year now, but when my MOM brought it up to me yesterday, I could have died right there!!

I do know one thing after talking with my Mom, today is the day I start preparation work that will lead up to that conversation. I am guessing that the convo will not go well and I will need to be prepared to either leaving or him leaving. I am interested in other's thoughts as well.

Good luck to you!
Jen
LuvsTaz is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 10:00 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
lilyrosemary's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
i can tell you, as an alcoholic woman, who is married to a "normie", about conversations we had along these lines. when we got married (we were both in our 40s) i asked him if my drinking bothered him, if he had any problems with it, to which he replied "not unless it interferes with our relationship." what he determined to be interfering didn't always coincide what i thought. anyway, the guilt that i experienced when he was so obviously turned off by my drinking perpetuated the already low self esteem i have had all my life. also, his rejection of me, my drinking, just plain made me feel rejected in my entirety. He was rejecting me as a person, all of me. made me feel like a bad person...again, hello, low self esteem, enter, 8-pack of beer. now, so much for defending my drinking, which isn't what i am trying to do here...i am just giving you a window to how i felt. what my husband could have done for me was to tell me how much he loved me, all the good things he thought i was, and how he wanted for us to have the best life we could, and maybe i could think about getting help. this is a just one woman's personal experience and by no means think that this is the answer for everyone or anyone else. i am sober now 2.5 years and we are married still, and very happy. just a few months ago i had to tell him how his behavior and rejection of me during those times made me feel because i still held resentments towards him because of it. he said he knows now he handled it poorly, but he never looked to anyone or asked for advice. male, female, whatever the case, we are all humans and the basic need for love and acceptance is inherent. all in all, i am thankful God brought a normie into my life and moved my heart, i am thankful for the turn of events that brought me to sobriety, whatever they were and are. God bless you, hug a drunk today.
lilyrosemary is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 10:55 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: US and Canada
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by lilyrosemary View Post
i can tell you, as an alcoholic woman, who is married to a "normie", about conversations we had along these lines. when we got married (we were both in our 40s) i asked him if my drinking bothered him, if he had any problems with it, to which he replied "not unless it interferes with our relationship." what he determined to be interfering didn't always coincide what i thought. anyway, the guilt that i experienced when he was so obviously turned off by my drinking perpetuated the already low self esteem i have had all my life. also, his rejection of me, my drinking, just plain made me feel rejected in my entirety. He was rejecting me as a person, all of me. made me feel like a bad person...again, hello, low self esteem, enter, 8-pack of beer. now, so much for defending my drinking, which isn't what i am trying to do here...i am just giving you a window to how i felt. what my husband could have done for me was to tell me how much he loved me, all the good things he thought i was, and how he wanted for us to have the best life we could, and maybe i could think about getting help. this is a just one woman's personal experience and by no means think that this is the answer for everyone or anyone else. i am sober now 2.5 years and we are married still, and very happy. just a few months ago i had to tell him how his behavior and rejection of me during those times made me feel because i still held resentments towards him because of it. he said he knows now he handled it poorly, but he never looked to anyone or asked for advice. male, female, whatever the case, we are all humans and the basic need for love and acceptance is inherent. all in all, i am thankful God brought a normie into my life and moved my heart, i am thankful for the turn of events that brought me to sobriety, whatever they were and are. God bless you, hug a drunk today.
I am so glad that approach would have worked for you, in your estimation, lil - and, it never hurts to try I am sure. I tried that - the I love you's, the reminders that it was not him that I didn't love but the drinking, the gentle and less gentle but honest 'get your butt in gear, get help, I will help you get help if you make that first move yourself' approach -with my husband however. It didn't work with him. He always knew I loved him, but, he is dead now - never found sobriety or peace in this life. He was always loved ... and accepted. The booze however, and the actions of the person he became under the influence ... not so much. He unfortunately did not love himself - and just as I could not control, cure and did not cause his alcoholism - I could never have (and knew it) fixed that for him either. He had to love himself first for my love to have had any supportive effect.

In your case ... I thank your HP (as I am sure your husband does) for bringing you back to your real self and giving you the strength to love yourself enough to go into recovery. I wish you a long, happy, sober life and marriage.
Lifewithouthim is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 11:11 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
CeciliaV's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I hate to say it and be a Debbie downer, but conversations don't do much. Whenever I have had what I think is a meaningful conversation with my AH, we always come back around to the same conversation over & over. I feel like the teachers in Peanuts - "mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah" may as well be what's coming out of my mouth!

I also however know that it's hard to NOT want to have these conversations, to be heard, for things to be different. I've had two of these supposedly meaningful conversations this week alone.

If you want to talk to him to make yourself feel better so you can get some things off your chest and to establish boundaries clearly, that sounds like it may be helpful for you.

Hugs and strength to you.
CeciliaV is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 11:13 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Don't have the conversation; write a letter and mail it to him Certified.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Set your boundaries and stick to them. For me that meant telling my AH that I would not be around him when he was drinking. That drinking was a deal killer for our marriage. We separated.

Fast forward a year. I have not seen my AH drink alcohol in 14 months, but of course he's still drinking. Yesterday I went to his house to have July 4th dinner with him and the kids. I arrived and there was a beer open on the counter. I nearly fell over. I decided to just say nothing as I wasn't up to a confrontation, and part of me was thinking about the whole "I can't control him" thing I've learned in Al Anon (but what I forgot is that I CAN control myself!). The evening was fine and we had a good time. But the open beer really bugged me.

When I got home and sat quietly and thought about it, what I should have done is stuck to my boundary. I should have quietly said "It's great to see you, but if you plan to drink around me I am going to take the kids and go home."

I have found that setting and really keeping those boundaries (and it's hard) is key to my sanity.
SoaringSpirits is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
MrLofg0029's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
I'm just another garden variety alcoholic weighing in.

I do vaguely recall my former fiance and current girlfriend suggesting that I cut back, significantly. She may have even suggested I look into going to an AA meeting. I recall feeling offended, especially because, at that time, my life was still very much in order, or so I felt. I'd felt that if anything, the problems in my life, to include a somewhat tattered status of our relationship, and serious depression where my reasons for drinking. I felt almost as if she was calling me weak and a bad partner.

She didn't want me to quit, per se, but just cut back. She also enjoys a drink, glass of wine, or pint of beer, and it seamed that alcohol was such a focal point of our lives, I felt that giving up drinking or cutting back meant a poorer quality of life.

Fast forward 3 or so months, and my drinking had rapidly escalated to the point of daily withdrawals, severe anxiety, and secretly drinking much more than she'd realized. After a particularly pathetic weekend binge, I called in sick on a Monday and ended up visiting my doctor and coming clean about my alcoholism. My NA fiance was absolutely shocked when I called her from the doctor's office with the prospect of going into rehab.

Long story short, I didn't go to rehab, struggled to stay sober in early sobriety, but then started working a good AA program and pieced together 7 months of sobriety before a thankfully short and minor relapse. I'm thankful for the relapse because it's been instructive regarding my continued recovery.

Here's my point: there wasn't a conversation she and I could have had that would've compelled me to seek recovery. I had to get that desperation on my own. If I had stopped for her, I'd have just been resentful. I was a fearful person during my drinking (I still am, but I'm getting better), but I wasn't afraid of the consequences of my drinking (i.e. death, DUIs, damaged relationships, work termination). About every addict/alcoholic I know, and I now know MANY, feel exactly the same.

What she should have done is identified boundaries, and stuck to them. She thought of her behaviors as being kind and loving, but most of her behaviors were just enabling my alcoholism.

Stop enabling your AH, stop defending his behaviors to yourself and anyone, and terminate your involvement in any and all things that relate to his drinking. Addicts cannot sustain active addiction without enablers. If he's like most of us, his progression towards a bottom that's sufficient to motivate recovery/treatment will rapidly accelerate. If he's ever to recover or survive his disease, then he has to walk that road alone.

Just so I'm not all doom and gloom, I'm in recovery and my girlfriend and hopefully one day fiance and then wife goes to Al-Anon (because she sees it working in her life). I work as good of an AA program as I can and my recovery ALWAYS takes priority in my life. We no longer live together, but that gives us a chance to focus on our individual recoveries. I think she would agree with me that at no point in the approx. 5 years we've been together have we been more optimistic about our individual futures and our future as a HEALTHY couple.

Best of luck.
MrLofg0029 is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:33 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
CeciliaV's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
MrLofg0029, thank you sharing. It's interesting to hear the other side of the story, and encouraging to hear you're doing so well. Best of luck to you on your continued sobriety.
CeciliaV is offline  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:38 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Don't have the conversation; write a letter and mail it to him Certified.
As an alcoholic, not a good idea, we won't get the idea of the letter any better than a face to face conversation, especially if we are active in our addiction.

As a man, not a good idea. Men (as a rule) do not respond as well to the written word as women. There is a reason women buy 65% of all books and periodicals in the USA today, and that's because we men do not rely on written words for communication the way women do.

Regardless what you do, letter or face to face, have ZERO expectations, this way you won't be disappointed.
Taking5 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:01 PM.