Life has gotten so much better, and suddenly I'm depressed.

Old 06-18-2012, 05:52 PM
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Life has gotten so much better, and suddenly I'm depressed.

So the restraining order has worked, and I have had no contact with EX since the day he was arrested for violating it by sending me the texts telling me how stupid it was to get it. It has been eerily quiet since then. Initially I was enjoying the peace.


I'm settling into my new home. Finally out of my parents home, and I have been spending time decorating, painting, hanging curtains. I've had guests over twice, my daughter is so happy with her new room. This is exactly where we should be.


Today I have burst into tears too many times to count. I feel so ungrateful seeing how blessed I am and tonight, my daughter is spending the night at my parents house because her cousins are there. I came home early from work because I almost had a meltdown over a stupid song on my coworker's Pandora Radio. I have felt depression in my life before, and I have been working hard to not go down that path again.

Yesterday an ex that I really cared about (not exabf) who I dated 10 years ago stopped by my work to visit. He is in town and wanted to say hello. He was very flirty, listened intently, and left me with the total feeling that the reason he did so is that he wanted to "hook up" while he was in town. Really? When I need a friend so badly? I told him I had plans this weekend, because I'm fairly sure a one night stand would make me feel worse and not better.

Exabf's mother texted me. Nice conversation, not at all about exabf, and I'm glad she is doing well following her recent surgery.

And here I am in my fabulous new home, in my fuzzy robe and socks crying my eyes out because I just feel so damn lonely. Am I not grateful for all that I have, and how much better my life is without the chaos and drama?
In my parents house, I had to hold myself together, and There was always activity. Will I ever get used to the quiet? Is it wrong that I long so much for a real partner and a healthy relationship?
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:00 PM
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I don't know what to say at the moment except here is a gentle and heartfelt (((hug)))
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:01 PM
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I started to really feel my emotions when it got quiet enough for me to listen.

My therapist (who I adore) told me I had a lot of tears, anger and other emotions bottled up for so long that it was probably going to come out at unexpected times. I have proved her right.

I do better when I think of this as cleansing. Instead of beating myself up about being emotional.
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:04 PM
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hi xxxxxxxx.

i was just talking to my xabf's mom, 2nd time we spoke in like a month. we used to call each other 6x a day when i was still with her son...when we dont know his whereabouts. after we broke up, (he went with a girl who is a recovering coke addict but an alcoholic) xabf's mom started theraphy. she shared me this, "if you really love my son, stay away from him, ignore his phone calls and dont contact him either. do it for me". so i did. today whe i was talking to her she asked me this "isnt it a lot better now, that you are no longer taking care of him, that you dont need to know his whereabouts, that you can do what you want and not worry about him?" this is my reply "to tell you honestly NO, its not better, because now, i dont know where he is, i dont know what he is doing and who is doing it with". so its not better.

i know you are starting a new beginning, and people think that things should be better. but now you have this fabulous home, your wonderful daughter and yet your by chaos no drama...things will get better, one day at a time.

hang in there.
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:05 PM
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I have my ups and downs too. Today was a really good day; in fact, I haven't had a really good day in the two months since I ended it with AX. I felt so content today, it almost felt WEIRD, lol! I haven't felt content in a long time.

And I know that I will probably feel bad again, that I will continue to have ups and downs. That's normal. We don't grieve the loss of a relationship in one straight line. However, if you don't consistently feel mostly better as the weeks go on, definitely see your doctor. There's no shame in taking an antidepressant if you need it. And you can take them short term, you don't have to take them forever.

I get lonely sometimes too. I am a relationship person; I like having a partner. That is who I am so I don't beat myself up over feeling lonely at times and wishing for a partner. It will happen in the right time.

Maybe you feel particularly sad because your ex came by to see you and you know he was only looking for one thing. That type of thing can really make your self esteem plummet. Don't dwell on it, and avoid him!! No one wants to feel used and unvalued as a human being. You will meet a good guy, you really will.
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:10 PM
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I'm no angel!
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To be 100% honest, I do not understand loneliness. I basically was an only child for 11 years, raised in an alcholic home and alone most of the time. As an adult I travelled a minumum of 3 days a week by myself, today, I live alone, yet am not and have not been lonely. I don't need anyone to amuse or entertain me, I can amuse myself and quiet seems to become me...we are at opposite ends of the spectrum...I don't for a minute miss my exabf's nonsense.

I realize that I am of zero help...I do agree, it is not wrong for you to want a real will happen, be patient.
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:12 PM
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RIP Sweet Suki
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Anvil nailed it. I was going to say the same thing. You are finally at a place where you CAN feel the emotions you have been too busy or for whatever reason unable to let out. Let them out. Sit in your fuzzy robe and socks and eat a tub of rocky road ice cream and watch a tear-jerker movie. Cry and cry some more. You have been so brave for so long, these emotions were bound to rise to the surface at some point. (((HUGS)))
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Old 06-18-2012, 07:29 PM
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This sounds very healthy to me. I could use 3 to 6 months of this. The freedom from chaos, which allows the emotions to come out.

It reminds me of when the wicked witch is dead and all the munchkins come out of hiding, singing.

It's normal to feel this. I need to feel this. I have not been able to, and with LC and NC taking a firm foothold, I am actually making plans with friends and starting to talk about things, not about HIM, not about HIm HIm HIm. About me, my life, my child and me.

It makes me want to cry too. This is a crucial time, I always feel like its when you have come out of the shower on a cold day, and you dont want to put on ypur OLD CLOTHES again, but have not yet found a new outfit.

You may look over at those old clothes...and be tempted. I am buck naked, wet in the cold morning right now. BUt, for me, it is still just better than the old clothes.

Sorry I am a little metaphor heavy tonight, LOL.
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Old 06-18-2012, 07:45 PM
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You have finally gotten to a place in YOUR life and YOUR recovery from the EX to let go of the emotions you have bottled up for so long. Let the emotions come. Crying is cleansing, healing and release. You're ok and we're here for you. ((HUGS)))
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Old 06-18-2012, 08:32 PM
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How I envy you. there is nothing like a cup of tea and a good cry. I'd love to be able to bring tears up. Keep in mind: feelings change. Right now you're down but you will come up again. Sadness is just part of life, so is loneliness. Have you been going to Al-anon?
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:08 PM
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You are right where you need to be at this moment! Take a moment to be thankful for the space to feel your feelings in your safe and comfortable environment!!! That is huge....

That said everything you are going to feel (particularly in the beginning) is not going to be pleasant; in fact a lot of it is going to be very uncomfortable. I found that living a life not dancing to someone else's drams to be difficult in the beginning...even though I knew it should be joyful; I didn't trust myself or the emotional peace in my environment. I had a silly little thing I would do when I crashed to the negative and most uncomfortable places....I set a timer for 15 minutes and just went for it....all the pain, self pity, wallowing, anger, sadness, self deprecation ... all of it just let it out there - and experience it. When the timer went off...Done...until I needed to do it again. I gave myself permission for a certain period of time and then spent my energy focusing on self care; positive self talk, hot baths, candles, music, funny movies, warm pjs, lots of sleep, fuzzy socks, cuddling kitties, comfort food, talking to friends...posting here.

It takes time to create a safe place for yourself after not having one for years. Please be patient with yourself and reward yourself for finding things that make you feel safe and secure.

It gets better very quickly from this point if we are kind to ourselves.....
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