Life has gotten so much better, and suddenly I'm depressed.
So the restraining order has worked, and I have had no contact with EX since the day he was arrested for violating it by sending me the texts telling me how stupid it was to get it. It has been eerily quiet since then. Initially I was enjoying the peace.
AND
I'm settling into my new home. Finally out of my parents home, and I have been spending time decorating, painting, hanging curtains. I've had guests over twice, my daughter is so happy with her new room. This is exactly where we should be.
BUT
Today I have burst into tears too many times to count. I feel so ungrateful seeing how blessed I am and tonight, my daughter is spending the night at my parents house because her cousins are there. I came home early from work because I almost had a meltdown over a stupid song on my coworker's Pandora Radio. I have felt depression in my life before, and I have been working hard to not go down that path again.
Yesterday an ex that I really cared about (not exabf) who I dated 10 years ago stopped by my work to visit. He is in town and wanted to say hello. He was very flirty, listened intently, and left me with the total feeling that the reason he did so is that he wanted to "hook up" while he was in town. Really? When I need a friend so badly? I told him I had plans this weekend, because I'm fairly sure a one night stand would make me feel worse and not better.
Exabf's mother texted me. Nice conversation, not at all about exabf, and I'm glad she is doing well following her recent surgery.
And here I am in my fabulous new home, in my fuzzy robe and socks crying my eyes out because I just feel so damn lonely. Am I not grateful for all that I have, and how much better my life is without the chaos and drama?
In my parents house, I had to hold myself together, and There was always activity. Will I ever get used to the quiet? Is it wrong that I long so much for a real partner and a healthy relationship?