brokenwife2012

So, today is the first time in a very long time that my AH has the kids alone for the day. Well, I shouldnt say alone, he is with his side of the family since he doeant know how to be alone with the kids. Im ok with this. This way, he wont drink. His family wont allow it. I cant remember the last time I spent this much rime without my kids. I think it was almost 2 1/2 years ago but it was knly for 24 hours. Its so strange.

Hes still been drinking. Its a shame. He been very nasty. Wont pay the bills that he said he would. He is really a deadbeat. What a pitty.

laurie6781

I have to ask:

If he is not paying his share of the bills. why is he still living there?

For a long time now, any roommate I have, (and that is what he is at this
point, a roommate) alcoholic, recovering A, or just a 'normie' pays their
fair share, on time, or they are evicted. That is my boundary, whether I
am emotionally involved with them or not.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

brokenwife2012

He is no longer paying any bills. He decided to get a brand new cell phone and his own accout or maybe put under a friends account. He jasnt paid a bill in almost 2 months. He doesnt live here. He is living with my cousins. I do t care about that cause they too are crap people.

brokenwife2012

We had an agreement about the bills and of course, he went back on it.

Learn2Live

They're very selfish people.

brokenwife2012

My son was aaking me about things and now he is asking his dad why he isn't paying bills. The fathers day card that he made for him must have been hard for him to read. I watched as he read it and shame was all over his face. Do I think it will be enough for him to wale up? Nope! Sadly, i think him hitting rock bottom will be the only thong that can help. To me, having your small kids asking questions amd crying to you would be rock bottom enough but not for him.

gerryP

You would think so, wouldn't you BW...

I'm sorry for you and your Son. Sending you good wishes.

SadHeart

So why not take him at his word and just divorce him as quickly as you can. If he really doesn't want a divorce, this will wake him up. If he ever wakes up, gets his priorities straight and his life in order and stops drinking, and makes amends to you and the kids, then you can remarry.

Why be in this hellish limbo of a non-marriage that is really no life for you?

Give him what he wants. If you're right and he doesn't want it, it will clear his mind. If you are wrong and he really does want it because the marriage is dead, you will be the one organizing the divorce at a time when he is confused and guilty and will have the ability to arrange it to your advantage. The debt, property, support and visitation division you want.

Sometimes when you wait too long, divorcing an alcoholic can turn ugly. Right now you are in a sweet spot where he is heady with his freedom and feeling guilty. After a while, what happens is they get used to the freedom and realize it's not all it's cracked up to be, they don't want the marriage, just the benefits of it, and they've been away from you long enough to spin it in their minds (with help from new girlfriends and bar buddies) that it was all your fault, and the guilty disappears. Then they get real entitled and unreasonable in the divorce and fight for everything and feel all self pitying and aggrieved and want rediculous things that drag out the divorce and raise expenses.

Besides, as you said, this is no life for you: stuck in limbo, married without a husband or a marriage.

SadHeart

The other thing happens when you hide it from family (and I did that too with my XAH and for the same reasons), when you DO tell them, they rightfully so have a reason to think you are exaggerating and making it up because you are mad about the divorce and being vindictive.

Them: If it was so bad all those years, why didn't you say anything? It didn't look so bad? You are over reacting, etc....

So I ended up depriving myself of support that I could have had because my credibility was shot.

It's not a mark of strength to hide the reality; it's a mark of your own sickness. (and I'm not speaking of the OP's situation: revealing at her son's communion would have been the wrong timing: this is about the general idea of making nice-nice smiley face performances in front of family).

Trilogy

My alcoholic husband of 29 years has been threatening me with divorce for 3 years. Actions speak louder than words. If you are not ready for a divorce right now, tell him so. Challenge him to find a lawyer and file the papers if that's what he wants. You have the right to not sign them. Keep true to yourself and what you want right now and don't be pressured into reacting to something before you're ready. Focus on detaching and taking care of yourself right now. There is no rush.

brokenwife2012

I am actually going to find a lawyer this week and get it rolling. At this point, even if he does realize i is wrong, I don't want him back. 've been thinking so much about it and it just isn't a life I want to live anymore. I am better off without him. He's proven it over and over again. Me and my kids deserve a chance at a better life without an anchor pulling us down.

SadHeart

You are doing so well. Your kids are so lucky to have you.

One thing also about getting the divorce finalized as soon as possible is that you get a support order in place, and even if he doesn't pay, the arrearages start adding up.

Arrearages are important later on as a bargaining chip. They aren't supposed to be used in determining visitation, but they are. A judge is going to give less credence to a guy with $10K in arrearages than one who's paid up. It also makes them less likely to go back to court and fight you on everything. And if you have arrearages, it's easier to move for work or other opportunities outside the state if you want to.

And arrearages never go away. You can garnish social security checks if they have arrearages. Many alcoholics end up on SSDI (disability, you don't get it for alcoholism, but they manufacture other illnesses and fake it)--and you can get up to 65% of their checks. You can get tax refunds and if they have a settlement (and they have more 'accidents' than other people and are more likely to sue and get settlements), you have your hand out. Also you can get it out of their inheritances. The only thing you can't get CS arrearages out of that I've found is military pensions. You get a tiny apportionment, but can't garnish much. But if they mingle military pension money with other money, you can garnish the bank account the pension goes into.

If he's going to be a deadbeat, the sooner you start counting the arrearages the better.

And I want to say again, you are doing very well. I know it's painful and doesn't help to hear it, but you are really doing well. I think a lot of people have benefitted from your candor on this thread.

brokenwife2012

There are a lot of mOments where I think I am doing well but then I have my other moments where I feel like I'm a big 'ol mess. Luckily for me, I have my kids and a couple of amazing friends to help guide me. They just give me the best advise and sometimes it takes a while for it to sink in. We do have a signed & notarized agreement which includes custody. That is truly where my concern was and still is. i cant say it enough.....I do NOT want my kids without their father in their lives and same for him. But he needs to be sober. Weekends are not something I am comfortable with yet since he is still drinking. Plus, he needs adequate living space and he doesnt have that. I refuse to do anything out of spite. Its not who I am. He said to me a while back that I have the power to destroy him. Maybe I do, but if I did do that, what would I teach my children? My kids safety is what comes first. They are My reason for everything.

He was very nice when he did bring the kids back home after he spent the day with them. I wonder why. Then later he asked me for a small favor. Nothing major at all. Bit I sit here and think "why the hell should i make even the smallest thing easier for him"? We are sitting down in a couple of days to go over a whole lot of crap. Maybe he will finally pay the damn bills. Ha. Like that'll happen. We shall see.

I wish I could've been a fly on the wall when my son was askingbhim questions. I usually give my kid a day or 2 and then he will tell me everything. He needs to sort it all out first.

brokenwife2012

Well, tonight should be a freakin' blast. I get the joy of having to sit down and have a conversation with the AH. We need to discuss matters. I would just like to sign divorce papers and have it done. I would like for him to pay bills like he should have been doing. I would like a lot of things but oh well.

brokenwife2012

Well, he decided he didnt want to talk. This was supposed to be an adult conversation amd he acted like a child. Should I even be shocked? Nope, and Im not. Guess we will just go the tougher route. What a shame.

lizatola

Hugs and sending you support!

brokenwife2012

Yesterday was a great day. The 3 of us spent the day with great family and had a blast. Their father didnt call or text to say goodnight and they disnt even notice it. So, this morning he calls to say good mornIng amd the conversation was about a minute long. I sent him a text to see if he was goung to come amd spend the day woth them at the pool like we discussed and then buy our daugjter a new bed. He chose to not come. After I informed my son, he just looked up and said ok. He was slightly disappointed and then said "let him do what he wants". I think I was more sad in that moment than my son was. I let my STBXAH know what he said. He immediately called me. He was upset at me. For what? I do not know. Too bad. He wants me to sit down with him amd a lawyer and discuss everything like adults. Well, this is what I have been trying to do for some time now. He agreed that he will do certain things that I have been asking. Why now? Why the sudden change? My guess is that te lawyer advised him that everything he has been doing is absolutely wrong. Its because hes been listening to his "friends" advise. I wonder to what degree I could destroy him. I wont play like that, bit I think he is scared. Hea proven himself to be a deadbeat, a deadbeat dad and a very selfish alcoholic. I told him that once all the bills are brought up to date is when I will sit down. He teied apologizing to me for everything. I just dont believe the sincerity of it all. He also said that he hasnt had a drink but wont say how long for. So, i dont believe him on that either. I laid into him pretty good. About all of his failures and lack of being a man and so on. When he is sober is when we can talk. Am I asking for too much? Am I being irrational? My kids deserve sooooooo much better than him. He has a great time with gis "friends" kids and my son has been witness to it. He talks with them more and actually plays with them. He has NEVER done that with his own.

Butterfly

Thanks I needed to read that

suzyontour

This is what I'm doing. My sponsor siggested to keep it businesslike. That works for me right now, avoids opening up old wounds or the going round in circles conversations. No contact and business like when I have to have contact. Xx

2Frazzled

Thanks for bumping this thread Suzyontour..

Keeping things business like seems the best way to go for you. No contact is the ideal way towards healing xx ... sucks big time but necessary.

Keep your head up xx

How about EnglishGardens reply in this thread...

OMGosh what an incredibly powerful and wise post!