brokenwife2012

Actually, I was given that advise already and took it. I have it all in writing, that is, everything that we have agreed on. It also states in there that certain things have not been spoken about or agreed on and that will happen at a later date. Most bases have been covered that matter. All of that other stuff is insignificant though. I am only interested in protecting my children. They have always been my world.

My shoulders are starting to feel lighter, today anyway. I get the wonderful pleasure (said sarcastically) of having him here the whole weekend again. Not only is it Mothers Day on Sunday, but today is my b-day. And since we still haven't told the kids anything, they expect him here for the weekend. I sure as hell am going to enjoy my weekend. I will not let him bring me down. I have people that I need around me. My kids alone will make it the best weekend ever. They truly make me the happiest person in the world.

EnglishGarden

Have a lovely birthday, BW. You are making a new you, so this birthday is very special. Have a lovely Mother's Day, too! Hold your head high, be proud of who you are. Do not listen to anything negative thrown your way. You are grace and light. Hold your head high!

Joseph Campbell, the famous teacher of myth, recites something from the, I think, American Indian, about the pollen path:

Beauty in front of me, Beauty behind me,
Beauty above me, Beauty below me,
Beauty to the right of me, Beauty to the left of me,
I'm on the pollen path.

I don't know what that pollen path is exactly, BW, but I think every one of us here wants to be on it. So have a beautiful birthday today and stay on the pollen path! XOXOXO

brokenwife2012

Thank you englishgarden. I will have the best one ever. This is my start of a new, exciting and happy life.

LaTeeDa

Thanks for this EG. Even though I am a huge Joseph Campbell fan, I had never heard this before. So, of course I had to Google it, lol. The explanation I found said this:

In addition to that, a friend emailed me this video yesterday entitled "The beauty of pollination." I just love synchronicity!

The beauty of pollination - YouTube

Sorry for the hijack--carry on. And have a great Birthday BW!

L

dollydo

"I can't wait until I meet a real man. I also can't wait to meet a person that my kids can look up to. And I probably will be grateful. He keeps insisting that there's nothing going on but the phone records prove otherwise. I think he is so used to lying that he can't even spit the truth out."

Good grief, meeting another man should be the last thing on your mind.

You are still not in Alanon...why? What are you waiting for?

brokenwife2012

That is a statement for later in my life. Yes, right now it is the furthest thing from my mind, but there will come a day when I will be doing that. I have gone to alanon and will be continuing again with a friend of mine. I had my reasons why i didnt go back but i rethought those reasons. I will be doing it for my lids as well.

brokenwife2012

He wants to start taking the kids every other weekend now but to tell you the truth, that scares the hell out of me. I don't trust him. I know how much he drinks. I don't think the safety of my kids is even a thought in his mind. How do I go about not letting him have them until he is 100% sober and seeking help? My kids lives are the most important thing. Even though he might stop drinking at midnight, I'm sure with the amount of alcohol he consumes, that he is still drunk wen he wakes up. What do I do and how do I do it?

Looking4ward

One of the funniest things happened when I chose to tell people who we were clostest to what was going on. I had gone around thinking that I was keeping this niec quiet polite front (and he did, too).
When I told everyone - THEY ALREADY KNEW!!!
People are not dumb. They can see the writing on the wall and they can see exactly what's going on here. They only thing they're asking themselves is: "What's a nice gril like that doing with him?!?"

brokenwife2012

I love the support that I have from everyone. Some I didn't even expect. I really do want him to be a part of the kids lives, it's so important. Hoever, with that said, I have to make sure they are safe. Although this keeps happening, we had a very nice long talk today. This is where my confusion comes flying in. Last night, his bday card was heartfelt and was a "wife" card. WHY ? Today as we were talking, I swear I saw some of my old guy coming out. I know that manipulation is a big part of the alcoholic, but I can't help want to believe he is in there. I am no fool, I can't be. I won't be. I am no longer hopeful for US, but I am hopeful for him in so many ways. With every mean thing I have said (rightfully so), I still can't help but want him to be a better person. I will if I have to, but I don't want him out of my kids lives. To them, because of the help from me, he means so much to them.

Am I flip-flopping again? I don't think I can keep up with what's in my head these days when it comes to him. We have great days and then in a hot minute, when on the phone especially, we have horrible moments. Urgh, I just hate all of this.

Spes

I write this with empathy and compassion. I think what is most important is that you keep up with whats in your head these days when it comes to you.

I wish you well.

choublak

Doing what? Meeting a "real man"?

EnglishGarden

Your confusion and vulnerability to his dual personalities is perfectly normal and expected, bw.

You know the rollercoaster so I don't have to tell you what's coming next. So prepare yourself. He is going to flip on you. He is going to stop being nice. He is going to to disappoint you. He is going to reel you in and then he is going to hurt you.

This is the pattern of the wife and the alcoholic husband.

We are right here, and we will walk with you while the days ahead unfold. A lot more will be revealed and you need support. Alone, you are no match for an alcoholic. He will manipulate you to the moon.

brokenwife2012

Thank you EnglishGarden.. I wish it weren't true but I do know it is. Yesterday and today have been such great days with him, but like I said, I am not hopeful of US. Of course, I wish things to be different. The way he's been looking at me has me looking back in the past, remembering all the great times we had together. And then quickly, I bring myself to the present. It sucks. It really does. I dont like this feeling. I hate being hurt. I hate that he has this horrible disease amd I absolutely hate what his addiction has done to him, what it has done to all of us.

brokenwife2012

I spoke to a lawyer. It seems even more real now than it has. A lawyer? Jeez. I cant even. She gave me advise which was wonderful. Luckily, since he really doesnt want anything, and its already in writing, we can move along quickly with everything. Yes, I know, things can change but I cant dwell on that. Although it will be in my mind. No need to worry. She asked the same question that I have been asking, "whats the rush?". I wish I knew. A lot has to be done. I kind of know where to start bit need to talk with him about it. I'm afraid this wont go well, but I will do what is needed. Wish me luck !!

brokenwife2012

He chose to not come to a baseball game for my son. Lame excuse, of course. As I am NOT shocked over this, my son is hurt. He chose to stay where he is so he is able to hang with his buddies to watch a hockey game (of course, drinking is involved). How do I explain this to my son wothout hurting him. He knows only disappointment from his "daddy". I put that in quotes because he doeant act like a daddy. He is a father but has yet to prove he is worthy to be called daddy. I dont want to tell him too much but I cannot cover/lie for him anymore. It is not fair.

Kateausten83

I learned, while my husband was in rehab and I attended some family members classes at the hospital, that people in the throws of withdrawal have severe anxiety for many days, as well as impaired critical thinking skills and problem solving. Perhaps those factors have some bearing on his behavior. Best of luck to you.

EnglishGarden

The rush is that your children are often at the mercy of an adult who has lost control of his drinking, bw.

This means that he cannot keep any promises he makes. Not just the smaller promises, like showing up for a ballgame.

But the life-threatening promises: He cannot keep a promise never to drive drunk with the children in the car. He cannot keep a promise never to drink when he is supervising the children on his own. He cannot keep ANY promise he makes about not getting flat out, dangerously, lethally DRUNK out of his mind any time or any place. He has LOST CONTROL OF HIS DRINKING.

That is the reason for the rush. Boundaries, legal boundaries, and now.

If your lawyer does not get this, find another lawyer.

brokenwife2012

EnglishGarden, i do so much look forward to your responses. I do everyone elses but there is something in the way you write. Its almost soothing to me. I cannot explain it. I re-read that one post on page 3 that you wrote everyday. It helps me.

The lawyer actually gave me sound advise of what to do legally about his drinking. She just meant the whole divorce in general. I am taking her advise. I was already going to do what she said, but I wanted to know exactly what it all meant. He is aware that he will NOT drive or be alone with them. At first he was so mad, but I explained it to him amd he seemed to understand. Not really sure if he atill doea, but oh well.

I managed to keep my answers simple and easy. My son and I chatted for a bit as I tucked him in to bed. He looks at me with sad eyes but then as he is looking at me, knowing how much I love him, his sadness turns to happiness. He always tells me how much I mean to him, how amazing of a mommy I am and he is fully aware that I will do anything and everything I can for him and his lil' sister. He is a very wise boy. Smart as a whip. He talks quickly of his father but he tends to stop when he feels upset. I just hold him and reassure him that he is loved. It helps.

EnglishGarden

The image of you tucking in your little boy made me smile. I remember that time of my son's life, how fragile they are, how words can hurt them so much. My son's father abandoned him and my son carried so much pain around that. I never realized how much until he was older, and suffered severe depression. Then he revealed to me, one day, what his father had said to him to cut him down, just before his father left him for good. I had no idea. The children don't tell us. They think it's their fault.

My son is happy today. He has had 6 years of therapy to get there. A therapist has given my son for 6 years what my son needed: consistent, caring attention from a responsible, compassionate male role model. They worked through the father stuff together. (And I'm sure there was enough mother stuff to keep them entertained).

So just do what you're doing, loving your children and talking to them, giving them a chance to open up about any troubles, if they need to. Not in a pushy way...I know you know how to do it. I wish so much I had done more of that. More of "How did you feel about...." "How do you feel about going to....." "How does it feel for you if....." Not like an analyst. Just matter of fact. Just good back and forth. I needed to do that. But my family is southern and god forbid we talk about elephants or giraffes or baboons in the room.

It takes incredible courage to stand your ground against an alcoholic. I'm glad your lawyer is truly on your side.

Eddiebuckle

BW,
I am sorry for the pain that your husband’s actions have caused you and your children. English Garden’s earlier post about the nature of alcoholism is very accurate. I know, because I was in your husband’s shoes six years ago. I pushed away a 15 year relationship because it was easier than giving up drinking. At the time, I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that my actions were because our relationship was dead. I felt that we had grown irreparably apart, that our trajectories were simply too different to justify the effort it would take to stay together. I knew I drank too much, but saw it as a choice and in fact I refused counseling that she wanted as a last ditch attempt to save us. I refused because I was certain that my drinking would become an unwelcome center of attention, a red herring if you will. I did not share that with her at the time, because it seemed unnecessary. So we agreed to go our separate ways, split the equity in the house we shared, etc. etc. It was all very civil, and we now have come to maintain a long distance friendship. In the 3 years that followed, my “choosing to drink” lifestyle became less and less a choice, and I honestly did not know it. I would drink four or more 1.75 litre bottles of vodka a week, plus a few bottles of wine or 12 packs of beer. But I was not an alcoholic, I truly believed that I drank that way by choice. My world became smaller and smaller, until I was essentially a hermit; I went to work, swung by the liquor and/or grocery store, and went home to drink. That was my routine, every day. The progression was gradual enough that I never noticed a significant change in my appearance, my mental health, or my ability to reason. But I assure you that in almost every way imaginable I was a wreck – and had no clue. I suspect that is where your husband is right now – utterly oblivious. He is aware that his actions are causing discomfort, but unwilling and unable to acknowledge the truth of his actions or what he has become because to do so would threaten the most important thing to him – his drinking. And he probably doesn’t even know that, even though it is the one thing that drives his thoughts, his emotions, his life. My nightmare began to end when I realized I was more fearful of living another day as all the ones that preceded it, than I was of death. This is what AA refers to as “the jumping off place.” That probably makes no sense to a “normie” – but it bears repeating: alcoholism will progress to the point that death is preferable to another day drunk. The sad truth is, many people get to that place; quit for awhile, but are never able to honestly face life. Most of them die drunk. The numbers are not terribly encouraging – a small fraction of alcoholics get and stay sober. And until your husband gets to his own personal jumping off place, it is all but guaranteed that his life will continue to spiral out of control.

BW, I share this not to elicit sympathy for your husband. It’s because in your responses, it sounds like you believe he is deliberately doing these things. I want you to know that it’s not personal. He will lie to your face, leave his children, and throw away everything he values if it threatens his ability to drink. And he will convince himself all the while that he is in control, that his decisions are rational choices, or tough decisions precipitated by misfortune. That is what it means to be an alcoholic.

My advice is to say a prayer for him and move on for your own and your children’s sake.